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MOHzilla HELP!!!!
I have known my MOH forever, since middle school, and I knew she would be my MOH a very long time ago. However, she is kind of driving me crazy. First, she invited her new bf of 3 months or so to the wedding just assuming she will get at +1 which no one is..the only people who are bring dates are engaged married or living together and like I said, they just started dating. That is the main thing and I dont know how to tell her that he cant come. It really is a money issue...we cant even invite some of our coworkers because our families are so huge!!!!
How do I tell her that she cant bring him?? Please help!!!
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Re: MOHzilla HELP!!!!
[QUOTE]I have known my MOH forever, since middle school, and I knew she would be my MOH a very long time ago. However, she is kind of driving me crazy. First, she invited her new bf of 3 months or so to the wedding just assuming she will get at +1 which no one is..the only people who are bring dates are engaged married or living together and like I said, they just started dating. That is the main thing and I dont know how to tell her that he cant come. It really is a money issue...we cant even invite some of our coworkers because our families are so huge!!!! How do I tell her that she cant bring him?? Please help!!!
Posted by stephmford@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]
Your MOH is correct. She has a bf and he should be invited along with her, by name. Anyone who has a significant other, should be invited together. It is very rude to exclude bf/gf from the invite list. Only truly single people do not need a plus one. Many couples need to make painful cuts from their guest lists.
Having said all that even IF you think people should be married/engaged/etc. this is your MOH, your lifelong friend, probably your closest friend. And you would really risk losing her and hurting her over one more invitation? ONE more person at your wedding? This does not compute to me.
[QUOTE]Your MOH and her BF are a social unit and social units should be invited together. It is not up to you to determine the seriousness of their relationship. I have a friend that was shopping for e-rings within an month and another relative who has simply been dating his GF for 25+ years. Who determines the seriousness of their relationship. While it was wrong of her to assume, it was wrong of you to suggest that this person should be uninvited and potentially risk your friendship.
Posted by cajitasazules[/QUOTE]
<div>All of this. This is why I stand by the SO rule. If she has a bf, then you need to invite him. In my world, if they are serious enough to put a label on it, that's all I need to know to decide whether to invite that person or not. OP is correct in thinking that she doesn't need to give truly single people a plus one. We are not giving single people plus ones, but we are inviting the SOs of friends and family.</div>
May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
I just am not up to commenting on anything more than that.
[QUOTE]I have known my MOH forever, since middle school, and I knew she would be my MOH a very long time ago. However, she is kind of driving me crazy. First, she invited her new bf of 3 months or so to the wedding just assuming she will get at +1 which no one is..the only people who are bring dates are engaged married or living together and like I said, they just started dating. That is the main thing and I dont know how to tell her that he cant come. It really is a money issue...we cant even invite some of our coworkers because our families are so huge!!!! How do I tell her that she cant bring him?? Please help!!!
Posted by stephmford@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]
<div>I think that you need to prepare for the idea that she may decline to be in your wedding if you tell her she cannot bring her BF. You do not get to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship and your arbitrary line of engaged/married/living together will offend your other guests who do not fit your criteria but have a SO.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, if this is the only thing she has done she is not a MOHzilla; you however are toeing the Bridezilla line.</div>
You are supposed to be giving her a position of honor. It is not much of an honor to be forbidden company at an event that you sacraficed time and money to attend. Strict rules or no, I find it offensive when the bridal party doesn't get plus 1s. Being forced to sit alone at a wedding doesn't feel like an honor.
.
I gave all of my bridal party plus ones, and my FSIL (a BM), brought a friend of hers to the wedding. I didn't know the girl, they weren't in a relationship in any way, and our wedding was teeeeeeeny tiny, but I didn't even think twice about extending the +1.
I'm glad I did too, her friend was awesome, and super fun!!! She secretly arranged with my FSIL to have a circle of our family and friends at the end of the night sing to us before we made our grand escape. It made me cry, I was so touched
[QUOTE]The OP asked for a way to let her MOH know that she wasn't allowed a plus 1 on the guest list, so I outlined it for her. Because her question was not whether it was APPROPRIATE for her MOH to bring the BF, but how to say she wasn't allowed to. <strong>As Retread pointed out, the single members of the bridal party are not entitled to a plus 1. You and I [and a few others on this thread] simply think that it would be nice to include the BF because it will make the MOH much more comfortable. </strong>And I [and several others] pointed out that while the OP can tell the MOH the BF is not invited, if they're serious by the time the wedding rolls around, the OP could likely lose her MOH simply because she was too rigid to allow a plus 1. Tone is hard to convey, but it isn't my concern if you can't pick up on the sarcasm in my first response. I explained it to you and stand by what I said. I would not personally tell MY MOH that she cannot bring her SO, but the OP is correct that etiquette allows her to say he is not invited. Whether or not this bride/MOH friendship survives because of her choice to exclude the BF is another matter and none of our business, and the OP isn't asking us to weigh in on that. I chose to, but I'm half expecting the OP to log back in and tell us to take a hike and not concern ourselves with the fallout. ETA: the MOH was out of line to assume she had a plus 1 and invite the BF without the bride and FI's permission. So the OP isn't the only one having issues with etiquette in this situation.
Posted by coopergirl15[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You are really having some trouble communicating here--both in your posts and understanding others' communications, since Retread did NOT say it would be "nice" to invite the MOH's boyfriend. Retread pointed out that it is "nice" to invite wedding party members with a date, but nowhere did she say it's "nice" but not required to invite people with their significant others.</div><div>
</div><div>It is appropriate etiquette to invite people with their significant others. That includes BOYFRIENDS. You do not get to judge the significance or seriousness of their relationship. If she considers him her boyfriend, then you invite him, with her, since he's her boyfriend. If they've been dating 3 months and your wedding isn't until March or April (I can't remember what you wrote) by that time they will have been togeter 6 or 7 months. I can't imagine you would want to be so rude as to not invite your MOH's boyfriend would you?</div><div>
</div><div>EDIT: And I think Retread was stating etiquette in a general sense--it is never required that singles get a date. But it sounds like OP's MOH is not single, so I don't think there should be any confusion by anyone as to whether her significant other should be invited. This isn't really that complicated.
</div>
[QUOTE]Your MOH and her BF are a social unit and social units should be invited together. YOU ARE, FOR PURPOSES OF ETIQUETTE, INCORRECT. THEY HAVE BEEN *DATING* FOR A WEEK. THEY ARE NOT A "SOCIAL UNIT" YET. It is not up to you to determine the seriousness of their relationship. iT IS FOR PURPOSES OF HER WEDDING INVITATIONS. I THINK YOU NEED TO REVIEW ONE OF THE EXCELLENT ETIQUETTE MANUALS ON THIS QUESTION. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND MISS MANNERS, WHO RECOMMENDS THAT A BRIDE ASK, "OH, ARE YOU AND MR. JONES ENGAGED NOW? I HADN'T HEARD." WHEN A FRIEND PUSHES IN THIS MANNER. I have a friend that was shopping for e-rings within an month and another relative who has simply been dating his GF for 25+ years. Who determines the seriousness of their relationship. SEE THE ANSWER ABOVE. THE BRIDE WILL BE THEN BE OBLIGATED TO INVITE HIM WHEN THEY BECOME ENGAGED. SEE MY ANSWER ABOVE. SIMPLY PUT, YOU ARE WRONG HERE, AND NEED TO BACK OFF. While it was wrong of her to assume, it was wrong of you to suggest that this person should be uninvited and potentially risk your friendship. THE BRIDE IS NOT WRONG HERE. YOU ARE. PLEASE LOOK IT UP, AND STOP GIVING BAD ADVICE. THE MOH IS BEING PUSHY AND RUDE HERE, NOT THE BRIDE.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
<div>*sigh* Thank you for yelling by typing in all caps...that's poor netetiquette. </div><div>
</div><div>Never my intention to give bad advice, but I've previously seen much of the same line of thought given by other posters here.</div><div>
</div><div>I simply gave all my guests, in relationships or not a plus one, to my wedding. OP stated they have been dating for 3 months. To some that's long enough to be exclusive. Who are we to judge?</div><div>
</div><div>Never my intention to flame or offend people at all with this post, simply to offer an opinion.</div>
For our wedding, to make sure that we budgeted correctly in the event that every single person invited also had a SO we just went ahead and added a plus one to each invitee. When it was time for the invites to go out we made sure about how was truly single and who was in a relationship (did not matter the length) and invited accordingly. Lucky for us we did not go over our set budget and were able to extend plus ones to all the truly single guests. Of course if we had gone over budget or were trying to cut back we would have invited the single guests alone.
I think that the MOH in this situation overstepped a bit by assuming things, however, if I was in a committed relationship, no matter the length of time, I would probably assume that my BF would be invited as well seeing as we are a social unit.
I believe that the OP is overreacting by calling her MOH a MOHzilla, unless she has done something other then assume that her BF is invited (which I am sure we have all made the same mistake once or twice) then she certainly is far from being a zilla.
OP, yes there are etiquette rules that are written in books and then there is just common sense. Put yourself in your friends shoes. Wouldn't you think that your BF would be invited to a wedding that you were in as well? Especially if you have made it clear that you are in a committed relationship with that person? Wouldn't you feel hurt if your friend decided for herself that your relationship is not worthy enough or important enough in her eyes to invite your SO? OP, and others who think it is ok, you don't have the right to judge other peoples relationships. Some people get together and 3 or so months later are engaged and have set a wedding date others (like myself and H) take years before getting engaged and married and some never get married. None of the relationships are better then the others and no one (unless part of the actual relationship) has the right to say whether it is serious enough or not to deem an invite.
OP, your friend will be mad at you if you do not invite her BF (seeing that they are still together by your wedding). She will most likely still walk in your wedding but you brushing her BF and basically her relationship aside like it is not important will hurt her feelings and will most likely hurt your friendship.
[QUOTE]So Addie, by your rule, if my 15YO second cousin is dating someone "exclusively" they get a plus one?
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
Yes, which is exactly why my 16-yr-old cousin brought his girlfriend.
[QUOTE]The MOH has been dating the guy for at least 3 months. That's long enough not to be casually dating. By the time invitations go out, if they are still together, they will have been together for about 6 months. I cannot believe anyone would think she shouldn't be allowed to invite him after being with him for that long. It's not like she met him the week of the wedding and is springing this on the bride last minute. Etiquette "rules" about who MUST be invited vs. those for whom it is up to the hosts aside, I think that's just a d!ck move not to let her bring him.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
Totally agree.
Anyway, I do not understand why OP is being such a pain about this. It isn't like her invites are going out tomorrow. OP stop worrying about this until your wedding is closer. If your MOH is still in this relationship then he needs to be invited.
[QUOTE]no one (unless part of the actual relationship) has the right to say whether it is serious enough or not to deem an invite. Yes, actually, they do.....since they are the hosts. One does not invite one's own guests to someone else's social functions. Your comparison is invalid, because you and your SO dated for 8 years. It is quite obvious that you were in a relationship. This MOH wants to invite her current flavor of the month. Not the same. If they become engaged, or are still together after six months, by the time the wedding rolls around, then yes - the bride should squeeze him in if she can. Right now, the MOH simply refers to him as her new boyfriend. They are not in a relationship. They are DATING. This is not a difficult concept, and I don't understand why so many people are having problems with it.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
I already said that the moh definitely made a mistake by assuming her bf was invited but I still don't believe it is anyone's place to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship especially after they have made it clear they are in a committed relationship.
And if boyfriend is not the correct term to use to state that you are in a relationship then what is?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOHzilla HELP!!!! :
I already said that the moh definitely made a mistake by assuming her bf was invited but I still don't believe it is anyone's place to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship especially after they have made it clear they are in a committed relationship.
And if boyfriend is not the correct term to use to state that you are in a relationship then what is?
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
This is why I'm getting so miffed about this. I usually agree with everything Retread says, but I'm really confused here. How is this guy a "flavor of the month" if they have been together 3 months already? My husband and I considered ourselves serious by then, and so did our friends and family. Certainly serious enough that we were considered a social unit.
[QUOTE]no one (unless part of the actual relationship) has the right to say whether it is serious enough or not to deem an invite. Yes, actually, they do.....since they are the hosts. One does not invite one's own guests to someone else's social functions. Your comparison is invalid, because you and your SO dated for 8 years. It is quite obvious that you were in a relationship. This MOH wants to invite her current flavor of the month. Not the same. If they become engaged, or are still together after six months, by the time the wedding rolls around, then yes - the bride should squeeze him in if she can. Right now, the MOH simply refers to him as her new boyfriend. They are not in a relationship. They are DATING. This is not a difficult concept, and I don't understand why so many people are having problems with it.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
How on earth is someone she's been dating for 3 months and whom she considers her boyfriend the "current flavor of the month"? Also, is it just me or are you a heck of a lot more prickly and forceful since you became the moderator for this board?
[QUOTE]I cannot believe anyone would think she shouldn't be allowed to invite him after being with him for that long. We've all agreed that if they're still together at that time, then yes, he should be invited. Do any of you have friends who get into "serious, committed" relationships with every guy they date for more than a week? Friends who insist that "this is the one, and I'm so in love. I never knew it was possible to be so much in love...." every single time? The bride will be bound to her invitation if she invites the guy now - even if he isn't dating the MOH. Hopefully he'd have the good taste to decline the invitation, but one never knows. What if HE elopes and gets married? Then Bride must invite the clod PLUS his new wife. E www. Just ewww.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
Who said anything about inviting him before the invitations go out?
[QUOTE]A boyfriend isn't a significant relationships. They're dating. They only just started. They don't live together, they aren't engaged. .
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
So then in your opinion, how many months must a couple be together to be considered no longer just "dating" and have crossed the threshold of being in a "relationship"?
[QUOTE]<strong>A boyfriend isn't a significant relationships. They're dating.</strong> ... <strong>They don't live together, they aren't engaged.</strong>
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
<div>So, then, I suppose that because my H and I made the decision to not live together until we were married, we weren't serious? So, for the 6 years we were dating before we got engaged, when he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend, we weren't serious? You seem to be quoting a lot of antiquated notions about relationships here. That being the case, I would think that a couple who decide to live together prior to marriage would be considered to be "living in sin." That's not something that I believe personally, but it is the <em>traditional</em> view of things. And to my knowledge, there are very few people who still view cohabitation in this way.
These viewpoints change over time, as does etiquette. Etiquette dictates that you do what you can to make your guests comfortable. So yes, perhaps the MOH did overstep her bounds a bit making assumptions, but if she's still with her "flavor of the month" (which is such an unbelievably disrespectful way to refer to her SO that it makes my blood boil) by the time invitations go out, then he should absolutely be invited. There is no debating that. Living together or not. Ring or not. They're serious at that point. Hell, they could be serious now. As numerous other PPs have said, <em>we cannot judge the relationship of someone else because we are not in it.</em> The end.</div>
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