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Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!

I am 42 years old and FINALLY found the man of my dreams and we're getting married in May. My maid of honor has been married twice and is dating someone new and after just 2 months of dating, she wants to get engaged. I am sad because I have been through her 2 failed marriages and 2 children and showered her year after year for those occasions and it is finally MY turn and she wants to suddenly get enagaged to a guy she's been seeing for a very short time. #1 - I don't think this is the best thing for her, she should proceed with caution before getting engaged AGAIN. and #2 - it will upstage my day that I have waited for for 42 years. I told her I realize I sound selfish and I'm ok with that. I've had years of selfless showering her and other friends and this is my turn to have my ONE moment and i don't want to share it with her engagement. What do you think?

Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:ab8b4302-abeb-429b-b826-afd56792c149">Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am 42 years old and FINALLY found the man of my dreams and we're getting married in May. My maid of honor has been married twice and is dating someone new and after just 2 months of dating, she wants to get engaged. I am sad because I have been through her 2 failed marriages and 2 children and showered her year after year for those occasions and it is finally MY turn and she wants to suddenly get enagaged to a guy she's been seeing for a very short time. #1 - I don't think this is the best thing for her, she should proceed with caution before getting engaged AGAIN. and #2 - it will upstage my day that I have waited for for 42 years. I told her I realize I sound selfish and I'm ok with that. I've had years of selfless showering her and other friends and this is my turn to have my ONE moment and i don't want to share it with her engagement. What do you think?
    Posted by ladybbls[/QUOTE]

    I think you get one day and that is it.  I would be mor econcerned that my friend may be heading towards another mistake so I would try to concentrate on discussing that and leaving my wedding completely out of it.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:ab8b4302-abeb-429b-b826-afd56792c149">Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am 42 years old and FINALLY found the man of my dreams and we're getting married in May. My maid of honor has been married twice and is dating someone new and after just 2 months of dating, she wants to get engaged. I am sad because I have been through her 2 failed marriages and 2 children and showered her year after year for those occasions and it is finally MY turn and she wants to suddenly get enagaged to a guy she's been seeing for a very short time. #1 - I don't think this is the best thing for her, she should proceed with caution before getting engaged AGAIN. and #2 - it will upstage my day that I have waited for for 42 years. I told her I realize I sound selfish and I'm ok with that. I've had years of selfless showering her and other friends and this is my turn to have my ONE moment and i don't want to share it with her engagement. What do you think?
    Posted by ladybbls[/QUOTE]

    Unless she's planning to get engaged or married at your wedding, I don't see how she could possibly upstage you.  It's very strange to expect everyone you know to put their lives on hold and focus on you for another seven months.

    From what you've said about her marriage history, it sounds like she has some emotional issues and it's probably not a good idea for her to be thinking about marriage at this time, but it doesn't sound like that's your primary concern and in any case, she gets to make her own decisions for her life.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:ab8b4302-abeb-429b-b826-afd56792c149">Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am 42 years old and FINALLY found the man of my dreams and we're getting married in May. My maid of honor has been married twice and is dating someone new and after just 2 months of dating, she wants to get engaged. I am sad because I have been through her 2 failed marriages and 2 children and showered her year after year for those occasions and it is finally MY turn and she wants to suddenly get enagaged to a guy she's been seeing for a very short time. #1 - I don't think this is the best thing for her, she should proceed with caution before getting engaged AGAIN. and<strong> #2 - it will upstage my day that I have waited for for 42 years. </strong>I told her I realize I sound selfish and I'm ok with that. I've had years of selfless showering her and other friends and this is my turn to have my ONE moment and i don't want to share it with her engagement. What do you think?
    Posted by ladybbls[/QUOTE]

    Did she say she'd get married the same day or same weekend as you? If not, she's not upstaging you at all. Your wedding has nothing to do with her getting engaged. Be a friend and be there for her. Don't get mad at her for making what could be a mistake by wanting to be engaged so soon. Just because she wants it, doesn't mean it is going to happen.

     

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    You're having irrational thoughts; please let it pass. No one is going to upstage you at your own wedding. Your friends and family members will be there to celebrate your marriage, not anyone else's. IF she does get engaged, be as happy for her as you expect her to be for you.

    Congratulations on your engagement.
                       
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    Your comments have been very helpful, thank you. I guess I was just picturing my bridal shower and dress fittings and all those events coming up and everyone oohing and aaahhh over her ring and her engagement and me feeling  like she's stealing my thunder. Her boyfriend is planning to propose on their upcoming vacation in december, she already knows, he's told her. She is the kind of person who doesn't like to be alone, so she keeps getting married and I don't want to see her make another mistake and I also feel like after showering her over the 25 years of our friendship, with baby showers, bridal showers, bachelorettes, all those events, it's FINALLY my turn and she has to go and get engaged, too :( But, it was helpful to read your comments. Maybe I am just feeling sensitive. I've waited my whole life to experience this jourmey to my wedding day. Thank you SO much for your feedback!
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    No, no, I didn't do anything with any expectations. I NEVER thought I would even get married and I just did all those things for all my friends because that's what friends do for friends. I am not worried about her doing anything for me at all, this post wasn't about that. My only concern was her upstaging my wedding events.I am sorry if I gave you the impression that I feel like I am Thor. I was just feeling a little sensitive, I guess. Thank you for listening and sharing your thoughts.
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    So... She's supposed to stop living her life until after your wedding so that you feel properly paid attention to? You've heaped so much of your happiness under her control it's a wonder she's not the person you are marrying. I had a friend who got married close to when I did, and she thought I was 'stealing her thunder' and treated me like utter trash for months. Guess what? Her spevial 'thunder' day is over and she's down a friend who would have previously given a kidney to her.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

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    I am sorry to hear about your friendship that has ended :(

    I don't wish to have harsh words thrown around, I was just looking for some insight and I appreciate the helpful words that were shared. I prefer to keep my comments positive and respectful, so I will suffice to say that no, I don't expect anyone to stop living their life, I merely felt that the timing of her 3rd engagement was a disappointment, as she is in my wedding party and has a history of drawing attention, making things a big deal and all about her, so I feared that every bridal event between now and the wedding, she will likely not downplay it - just the opposite - she will focus on it. But, that is just the cards that are being dealt, so I will deal with them.

    Again, I appreciate everyone's insights, these community input areas always help, for perspective :)
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    Yeah, I just went to FI's cousin's wedding, and it's the first time I've met much of his extended family at all let alone since our engagement. Most people just said it was wonderful to finally meet me, or it was basically laurelrenee's conversation.

    "So you're getting married next, then?"
    "Haha, I guess so."
    "Congrats/we look forward to seeing you in April/etc."

    And then they went back to gushing over the bride, since, you know, it's her wedding.

    Other people are going to get engaged while you're engaged, and after a month or so of everyone wishing you congratulations/looking at the ring, people stop caring so much until a wedding-event. Your engagement is more important to you than anyone else. Excitement drops off pretty quickly from outside people. Don't have unrealistic expectations for your engagement or hers. People won't gush about your engagement the entire time until your wedding. They won't gush about hers either. Your bachelorette party/shower/wedding is about you. People won't be distracted by whatever new shiny thing is around the room. Trust me.
    photo a826c490-726a-4824-af5c-d938878de228_zpseb85bb5a.jpg
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    Don't worry about it and just let those feelings pass. One month after I got engaged a friend of mine got engaged. 2 months after I got engaged my sister told everyone she is having a baby.  Did that upset me? No. Are people more excited about the baby than my wedding right now? Yes, because the baby is here and by the time I have the wedding I will have been engaged for 19 months. My family won't start getting excited until closer to the wedding. I know on our day my family will be excited and focused on our day and that is good enough for me.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:1873304e-828d-4d4c-b73b-2cbb3c93cbdc">Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, I just went to FI's cousin's wedding, and it's the first time I've met much of his extended family at all let alone since our engagement. Most people just said it was wonderful to finally meet me, or it was basically laurelrenee's conversation. "So you're getting married next, then?" "Haha, I guess so." "Congrats/we look forward to seeing you in April/etc." And then they went back to gushing over the bride, since, you know, it's her wedding. Other people are going to get engaged while you're engaged, and after a month or so of everyone wishing you congratulations/looking at the ring, people stop caring so much until a wedding-event. Your engagement is more important to you than anyone else. Excitement drops off pretty quickly from outside people. Don't have unrealistic expectations for your engagement or hers. People won't gush about your engagement the entire time until your wedding. They won't gush about hers either. Your bachelorette party/shower/wedding is about you. People won't be distracted by whatever new shiny thing is around the room. Trust me.
    Posted by jessicadall[/QUOTE]

    Thank you so much - I really feel so much better after reading the comments posted on this thread, but particularly this one. I am going to really work on not being so sensitive. You put it in perspective very well, I appreciate that. I am glad I posted here and appreciate all the insight/feedback. I'm going to try to let it go and hope that she respects the events to come and does not pull focus intentionally. Thank you!!  :)
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:c647cf5c-d73f-4c18-9e9b-993a09bd8969">Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]a) I think that after 25 years, you've built up this idea of what the wedding planning experience is supposed to be like to an unrealistic expectation.  It's very nice that you've done all this for your friend, but if you were doing it in order to get something back from her once you got engaged, it becomes a lot less selfless and wonderful and a lot more manipulative and selfish.  Just because you did all of that for her does not mean she's obligated to do it for you, and it CERTAINLY doesn't mean she's obligated to put her entire life on hold until after your wedding. B) Do you seriously believe that everyone is going to sit around at your shower and spend 2 hours complimenting her e-ring while ignoring you?  <strong>You aren't Thor, you have no thunder to steal,</strong> and you are really being a bit ridiculous at the moment.  My number one advice to you is to stop putting so much pressure on yourself (and everyone else) to have some magic Hollywood "journey" to your wedding day.  Real weddings are NOT like the movies or the TV shows, and you'll be doing yourself a huge favor if you'll just lower your expectations a bit. Good luck!
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    bahahaha, Stage this literally made me laugh out loud. H looked at me like I'm a crazy person. 

    OP - it will be fine; a wedding takes some time to plan, many others in your life will probably get married, engaged, hook up, break up, have babies, etc. during your engagement. But people will still be focused on you during your events. And honestly; if you don't want her to start talking about HER gown and HER BM dresses, etc. during fittings then don't invite her:  a fitting doesn't have to be a group activity, BMs can go to check out the dress options individually, etc. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:94d9fca2-0fa8-44d1-a1de-0a6d047a78f3">Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Take a deep breath here, step back, and think about everything you just said. Do you REALLY think she will "steal atttention" from you if she gets engaged as well???? Do you think people will be busy looking at her and not you on your wedding day? Don't you think that's childish?  You said you were 42.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    I am 42 and no I don't think I'm childish. I will remain respectful to you, even though I don't appreciate the comment. I'm not talking about the wedding day, I stated that I was referring to hte bridal events leading up to the wedding day. As I said, I am going to work on trying to let this go and I will work through the emotions I am feeling.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:04244409-6169-4b31-b922-7dfe3db4c307">Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me! : bahahaha, Stage this literally made me laugh out loud. H looked at me like I'm a crazy person.  OP - it will be fine; a wedding takes some time to plan, many others in your life will probably get married, engaged, hook up, break up, have babies, etc. during your engagement. But people will still be focused on you during your events. And honestly; if you don't want her to start talking about HER gown and HER BM dresses, etc. during fittings then don't invite her:  a fitting doesn't have to be a group activity, BMs can go to check out the dress options individually, etc. 
    Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

    That's a good suggestion - thank you! :)
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    edited October 2012
    I think I'm late to the party here, but OP, here's one other thing to keep in mind- for those of us that are getting married at 26, well, huge numbers of our friends are getting married the same time as we are, and none of us is being upstaged.  We'll have had three or four sets of close friends get married within a few months before us, and then my cousin and another set of friends getting married within a few months after us.  None of our friends who married before us were upstaged by our upcoming wedding, and I guarentee you we're not going to be upstaged by my cousin or our other friends who are getting married after us.  It's just not the way it works.   And then on top of all of these weddings, we have what seem like a bazillion friends getting engaged practically every day.  There is just...no upstaging.  Everyone is excited about everyone else's wedding, and at any given wedding, the focus is on the couple getting married.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:6224bd36-24d5-41e7-a5f3-e6ce7aa2e1d4">Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me! : I am 42 and no I don't think I'm childish. I will remain respectful to you, even though I don't appreciate the comment. I'm not talking about the wedding day, I stated that I was referring to hte bridal events leading up to the wedding day. As I said, I am going to work on trying to let this go and I will work through the emotions I am feeling.
    Posted by ladybbls[/QUOTE]

    I would keep you rexpectations low on this one.  Don't forget that nobody is obligated to host any showers or a b-party for you.  If they do great but if they don't then there just wont' be any. 
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:0fab0b67-b816-42ac-b7c1-71f665f32905">Re:Help my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Calm down. Retread wasn't insulting you, she was trying to put things into perspective. I am glad you are trying to work through this, but the fact that you still stubbornly refuse to admit that your friend MAYBE getting engaged isn't a direct threat to you or your wedding planning shows that you are still hung up on this. No one is saying you as a person are immature and childish, but a 42 year old, or heck even a 22 year old, seriously using phrases like "steal my thunder" IS a childish way to act. You are upset because you believe your best friend should put a major life event on hold until after your wedding. If you don't understand why that isn't a mature, adult response to hearing about her future engagement, then I dont know what we can say to help you.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I think what's happening here is I know my friend very well and you don't. This is her third engagement, she falls in love with anyone who gives her a third date, basically. Every guy she dates is "The One" and she has a history of making things all about her. So, yes, I am slightly apprehensive about how she will act at the events leading up to the wedding and if she will make it all about her. But, as I stated, I had an emotional reaction to it and, thanks to the helpful comments that people posted, I used the feedback to help me put it in perspective and I am hopeful that the way people are expecting it to happen, is exactly how it happens.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:3fa7618e-8fca-4eb0-85d9-11b08269bbc0">Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me! : I would keep you rexpectations low on this one.  Don't forget that nobody is obligated to host any showers or a b-party for you.  If they do great but if they don't then there just wont' be any. 
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    She will be invited to the shower and bachelorette party, I would never exclude the maid of honor from those events.
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    ladybblsladybbls member
    First Comment
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-my-maid-of-honor-is-upstaging-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b9adba71-ce72-4f66-a31b-cee7fa8a8df9Post:81875c98-72c8-438f-b0c5-7d31e5b36e68">Re: Help - my maid of honor is upstaging me!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm 48, and I just can't believe this isn't a troll post.  Can any adult really think this way???? Do you think that other people will be focusing on HER wedding at YOUR shower? Or looking at her at your ceremony? Let's be realistic here.  This is a childish fear.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    I would appreciate it if you would keep your comments respectful. I was just asking for some insight and advice, not looking to be called a troll or childish.  I am being respectful to you, I would appreciae the same in return. Thank you. Yes, I am an adult and I had an emotional reaction - excuse me for having a human response and reaching out to people for help and insight. Most of the comments have been helpful and I am working on evolving my perspective and trying to stay positive.
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    Others have said how I feel. But one other thing, if this is her third marriage, she might not have all the buzz around her event.  I'm not judging her decisions or saying that every wedding isn't special in its own way, but if you guys have mutual friends who will be at your shower/s, bachelorette party, etc. , I can't imagine them taking time away from your long-awaited first marriage that even you never thought would happen to focus on a person who has been married multiple times and has children.

    It's petty to follow that line of reasoning (but you're allowed a little pettiness here and there), but your wedding is still "special" regardless what your friend does with her marital decisions.
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    OP, if you and your friend are so close, shouldn't you be excited to go through the planning together? I will never understand why brides feel so much jealousy towards a loved one.....

    Here's my story, H and i have been together since 2004, he proposed Christmas day of 04' and we finally got married a month ago. Our wedding planning was on hold because we had two kids in this timeframe and career changes, it was just not a good time to begin planning until January of this year.

    Well in January, my BIL and his GF were already engaged for over a year and their wedding is next May.I was so happy to discuss wedding planning with her, i mean she is my daughter's God mother so we're pretty close, emailing almost daily and seeing each other once a week. One day, i email her about a venue I saw because since we're both from Southern California I didn't want to "copy" her venue choices, well she shoots another one back at me saying I'm stealing the spotlight from her and she's been dreaming about her wedding her entire life and it wasn't fair. I was shocked and hurt, I mean my original date was Sept. 2013 but we moved it up a year because she said she didn't want me to copy her ideas and wanted our families to remember hers. My wedding came and went, I had ONE day, she'll have hers too, I never received an apology from her but i'm happy that she at least realized her actions were wrong.

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