Moms and Maids

Momzilla has sucked the joy out of this wedding, please advise.

The wedding is only three weeks away and we are still dealing with an out of control mother of the bride,. She is by definition, a true "momzilla". Here is a bit of background: bride and her mom have just gotten back together after almost 10 years of a strained relationship; bride has been living with groom in our home for more than three years; bride is a sweet, non-confrontational young woman who has grown socially; groom is madly in love with bride; momzilla thinks this is her wedding; home has been unbearable with fighting between bride and groom for months; groom's parents give them privacy and do not interfere - until bride throws family under the bus. Truth and facts have come to light and I (groom's mom) have tried to reach out to bride's mom (on son's insistence) to no avail. FACTS: bride's parents are not paying for the reception, the couple is. Both sets of parents are contributing money to the reception to help out. Bride's mom has worded invitations indicating bride's parents are hosting the reception: groom and his dad flipped out. (I worked hard to smooth that one over, but it still upsets them.) Bride's mom is consistently rude, cold and self-centered. Bride only wishes to please her mom. Groom is frustrated and considering calling off the wedding. Groom has put his foot down recently and bride is coming around, but all too slowly. There has been very little joy in any of the planning because of this momzilla. I am praying the angst will dissipate soon! We will all meet at the rehearsal and dinner and I do not want any more trouble with this woman. So . . . should I just kill her with kindness or simply adhere to the rules of etiquette and be a good hostess? Should I pretend nothing is wrong? I realize this woman will never change but I fear she may undermine the details that are important, details that are simply "the right things to do".

Re: Momzilla has sucked the joy out of this wedding, please advise.

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momzilla-sucked-joy-out-of-this-wedding-please-advise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbad16ea-f128-4e86-80f1-2918dbca7f00Post:4d97346d-9286-49c6-9b62-063587c2370b">Momzilla has sucked the joy out of this wedding, please advise.</a>:
    [QUOTE]The wedding is only three weeks away and we are still dealing with an out of control mother of the bride,. She is by definition, a true "momzilla". Here is a bit of background: bride and her mom have just gotten back together after almost 10 years of a strained relationship; bride has been living with groom in our home for more than three years; bride is a sweet, non-confrontational young woman who has grown socially; groom is madly in love with bride; momzilla thinks this is her wedding; home has been unbearable with fighting between bride and groom for months; groom's parents give them privacy and do not interfere - until bride throws family under the bus.

    <strong>How old are the bride & groom? Are they both living with you? What exactly do you mean by the bride throwing the family under the bus?</strong>

    Truth and facts have come to light and I (groom's mom) have tried to reach out to bride's mom (on son's insistence) to no avail. FACTS: bride's parents are not paying for the reception, the couple is. Both sets of parents are contributing money to the reception to help out. Bride's mom has worded invitations indicating bride's parents are hosting the reception: groom and his dad flipped out. (I worked hard to smooth that one over, but it still upsets them.)

    <strong>Why did the bride's mother have control over how the invites were worded? Did the bride and groom not see them until they were printed? If they allowed her to do the invites on her own and didn't check them beforehand that it their own fault. If the bride caved to her mother's wishes despite the groom's disapproval that is another issue entirely and needs to be worked out between the couple. </strong>

    Bride's mom is consistently rude, cold and self-centered. Bride only wishes to please her mom. Groom is frustrated and considering calling off the wedding. Groom has put his foot down recently and bride is coming around, but all too slowly.   There has been very little joy in any of the planning because of this momzilla.  I am praying the angst will dissipate soon!

    <strong>That is unfortunate but an issue that really needs to be resolved before they get married. The problems with her being controlled by her mother will not go away after the wedding.</strong>

    We will all meet at the rehearsal and dinner and I do not want any more trouble with this woman. So . . . should I just kill her with kindness or simply adhere to the rules of etiquette and be a good hostess? Should I pretend nothing is wrong? I realize this woman will never change but I fear she may undermine the details that are important, details that are simply "the right things to do".

    <span style="font-weight:bold;">Be polite and a good hostess. These issues are between the bride, the groom, and the brides mother. You should stay out of it as much as possible so that you don't cause anymore problems than they already have.</span>
    Posted by findingthejoy[/QUOTE]


  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If the groom had come on asking how to handle it, my advice would be that it's a problem if the bride is putting her Mom's wants ahead of her FI's and that they should seek pre-marital counseling to work on their communication. If the bride had come on here saying she was between a rock and a hard place, I'd have told her that her FI has to come first, and to figure out where her Mom's money is going to be used and those items alone her Mom would have a say. Or to decline Mom's money, if she's being too controlling. To you, I will say that it's best to stay the heck out of it. Be a rock in the storm, the one family member not causing any drama. Though you may have hard feelings against the Mom, remember ultimately no one can control your son's relationship except he and his bride. Outside forces cannot rock a steady relationship so easily, so this isn't her Mom's fault. The bride isn't putting her FI's needs ahead of her Mom, and perhaps your son could be a bit more flexible and understanding. That's the real crux of this issue. And none of that has anything to do with you. As someone with rather dramatic family issues, let me tell you that those who can be sympathetic, helpful, and non-judgmental end up in the best position. Be a listening ear (but keep any opinions to yourself) to both your son and future daughter-in-law. Don't criticize or offer advice, just listen and be sympathetic. If you start offering opinions, especially on her Mom, this could all backfire on you.

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  • findingthejoyfindingthejoy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your insight and advice. And you are all right. I must admit it felt better just to "get it out of me". I see how much my son loves his bride and it warms my heart. I see how much the MOB manipulates her daughter and I pray for them both. My son is going on the assumption that after the wedding everything will go back to normal. But we all know this newly rekindled mother-daughter relationship will take time to process. The good news is that he is going in with his eyes open and the strength that comes with doing the right thing. There is still a little piece of me that fears he will cancel the wedding, and we will deal with that as supportively as we can, for both of them. She has become a daughter to me and has so much on her plate.

    I was thinking about getting them a "dance package" so they can get their minds off their troubles and find some fun. OK, the truth is, the boy cannot dance! Money is tight but I think it might help. ADVICE on this idea anyone?
  • phunluvin82phunluvin82 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I was going to write a response, but I think calindi pretty much nailed it!  Very good advice...

    As for the dance lessons...my FI and I didn't do any...just seemed like another expense and another thing to squeeze in to the busy schedule.  Now that it is getting close, I'm picturing a 1st dance debacle in front of 200 ppl, and I'm really wishing we did the lessons!!  Not only that, but we love concerts of all sorts and some more dancing skills would probably come in handy for us in the long run too and be a fun skill to have.  Don't know if that helps...but if they are the type of people that would enjoy it, rather than seeing it as a chore, then go for it...long as it won't break the bank...
  • AmynutritionAmynutrition member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Tell the groom to get used to this, for the rest of life.
    The bride is a "momma's girl" and neither of them want to change.
    (unless the mom is over 80 years-old, then be patient)
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