Unsupportive mother...

bananas1309

My fiance and I are high school sweethearts. We got engaged last February after dating for 3 years (as of now we've been together for 4 years, engaged for 1 year, and we're both 22). Ever since we got engaged, she makes little remarks like "you guys are so young... are you SURE you know what you're doing?" ...or... "aren't you guys sick of eachother yet?". I'll mention how Craig (my fiance) works a lot and she'll say "you're getting tired of him, aren't you?" NOOOO!!! She even says "Are you SURE you've 'whored around town' enough to settle down?" Yah, this has been going on FOR OVER A YEAR!! She refuses to accept that we're actually getting married.

Now, it's a well known fact that my mom can be crazy and irrational, and apparently she regrets marrying my dad when she was 21... her relationship with my dad is SO disfunctional, mostly because she's nuts and overreacts about everything -- when I was in middle school, she made a huge scene at a restaurant in Disney World, accusing my dad of cheating on her. Yep, I had to explain to her that she had no reason to think that (I was like 13). That's just one example.

Craig and I stopped eating meat recently, and the other night she went out with us and said to Craig "Kaylee is forcing you to not eat meat... don't listen to her!" It's like she's TRYING to break us up! Of course, it's not going to work, but it's getting ridiculous!!! We've been engaged for a year, together for 4, and our minds have not changed -- we've tried explaining this to her, but she never understands. She also thinks I need to dress sexy all the time and "look my best" or he's going to leave me. I could go on and on and on...

Now we're actually starting to make wedding plans and all she says is "You're really going through with this?" A few months ago she said she wasn't going to look at wedding dresses with me (because she wasn't excited for the wedding), so I told her I would go with Craig's mom instead. She got so upset and started saying "OH so she's the cool mom and I'm the witch!?!" It's true though, if she's going to act like this then I don't want her to be involved!

It's hard because we're a really close family and, I'll admit, want my mother's approval. How do I explain to her that every time she questions my decision, it's hurting me more and more? Has anyone else had this problem?

OBX2011

Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with your mom about all of this?

I am very sorry to hear that your mom is acting like this and I too would be somewhat upset and bothered by it.

If having a heart to heart doesn't work, the only way to stop these sort of comments is to not speak with her about anything wedding related.  I know that is going to be difficult b.c let's face it, a girl always wants to go to her mom when planning her wedding, but it may be necessary in this situation.

If she is not going to be supportive of you know then chances are, she will never be supportive for other life changing events....such as buying a house or having children.  She needs to understand that this is causing a strain on your relationship and that it needs to stop now. 

I wish you the best of luck!

mcskatcat

I don't think you needed that much text to say 'my mom got married young, and doesn't really support my wishes because of how things went for her."  For one, you do have to bear in mind that, crazy or not, your mom has valid concerns about you getting married young.  Anyone would.  I got engaged at 22 and married at 24, which is on the younger side of things, but had people been concerned about getting married so young I would have at least heard them out. 

Any mother will worry that her daughter is going to make the same mistakes.  That's understandable.  What's not understandable is your mother's constant meddling.  My guess is that this isn't new - the meddling.  While her focus might have only recently turned to your relationship, I can only assume that she has had similar attitudes throughout your life. 

You really need to just address to her that 1) you get frustrated that she constantly belittles your relationship and assumes that your marriage will turn out the way that hers did and that 2) you really need for her to respect the fact that part of being a grown woman is making your own choices.  God forbid should you and your FI get divorced, you know that she is only interested in protecting her from something that was obviously hurtfult to her.  You need to say something like "Mom, I know that you are only looking out for me and trying to keep me from repeating your mistakes, but in my heart I know this is right and I know he is the one for me."  

JennyB0825

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

If she's as crazy as you say she is, then it can't be too much of a surprise that she's not supporting this decision?

I think you need to sit her down and tell her that she's being very negative about what's supposed to be a very happy time in your life and it's bringing you down. She can either choose to knock it off, or be less involved in your life. 

If she keeps it up, I'd limit contact.

cmcnally4

Wow your mom sounds a lot like mine!  Stinks doesnt it... sorry you have to go through this