Moms and Maids

I am not my parents

I’ve never posted before, and I mean anywhere ever, but I’m on the verge of tears so here it goes. I’m getting married to my best friend and I can’t deal with my mother any more. As a back story, my parents met in High School and married a few years after graduating.  After 14 years of marriage, they finally divorced and it destroyed my family, the best explanation for the divorce was that my mom gave up and decided she was going to make herself happy. She then married an Army pilot who is complete Alpha male, he has been married 3 times and I know he has made her cry.

My story is this: I met my fiancé on Facebook, where we lived 1000 miles apart before he moved closer. When we first met he was a student for graphic design and didn’t really have a job. 3 years later, he’s in the Army and has a good paying job and has grown up so much. I love him with everything I am and we work so well together. But I knew my mom didn’t really like him, she said she saw a lot of herself in me and a lot of my dad in him. She thinks that I’ll outgrow him and ‘outshine him’ and that we’ll repeat her marriage. She even tried to set me up with a couple pilots my step dad knows, while I’m still dating my fiancé! My suspicion is that she doesn’t approve because he’s too much like my dad and not like my step dad. I told her I understand her concerns, but that my fiancé is the man I chose. The night we got engaged she was one the first people I called, and this is what she said, “Oh, I was afraid of this.” She came back later saying she meant ‘I knew this was coming’, but the damage is already done.

A couple months ago, my fiancé and I had a hiccup, and paused the wedding plans. We did couples counseling and now we have nothing holding us back. All of our friends and families are so happy for us and tell us that we’re great together, except one person. My mother now can’t stand him, saying that ‘He made my baby cry’. She won’t even look at him and makes her feelings known. It is breaking my heart to not have my mothers support. I don’t know what to do, am I really forced to choose between my future husband and my mother?

Re: I am not my parents

  • edited December 2011
    Your mother is trying to force that, or so it sounds from your story.  I think all you can do is sit down with your mother, and tell her everything you've just told us.  Tell her that you think what she's doing is unfair, and that you won't stand for it a minute longer.  She either chooses to support your relationship, win or lose, or she chooses to deny herself access to you and your growing family.  If you make the decision, you'll either never forgive yourself for giving up on love, or for choosing a man over your mother.  She has to be the one to make a choice to grow up, or not grow up, and you have to make it clear that in your eyes, her growing up, and acting like a mother, is the only option she has if she wishes to be included in your life.
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  • m&eguntonm&egunton member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sounds tough and miserable.  You might ask her to make a list of your Fiance's pros and cons and then have her make a second list of your dad's pros and cons and then your step-father's pros and cons and then meet up with her with a list of your own.

    And then see if she's open for a calm, rational dialogue about what you guys have come up with and then see if you can get to the heart of what's really making her scared.  

    And then ask her if she trusts you to know your own mind, to know your own heart and to know your own value.  If she trusts you then she has to trust your choice in whom you are giving yourself to.  If she doesn't trust you to choose a mate for yourself then this is where the problem is.  Force her to accept this so that at least you both understand what is at the heart of her issues with your fiance.

    And listen to what your mother has to say.  Whether or no we like it, our mothers often know us better than we know ourselves sometimes.  I'm not suggesting that you begin to doubt your fiance but she might have some valid reasons for her fears and if she does, talk to your fiance about them.  If she doesn't then make sure your mother knows that these are things that the two of you have already addressed.

    I hope the two of you can come to common ground, I would be devestated if I didn't have my mother's support in my choice of mate.  Fortunately she loves him and he loves her back.

    Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    your mother sounds very discontent with her own life, even though that is what brought her to her present life.  So what to do, what to do?? take your mother to lunch and tell her in no uncertain terms that you love her and want her to be a part of your special day, but if she chooses to not to then you will understand.  Then if she says oh yess I want to be a part of your special day then kindly tell her what that looks like and feels like to you.  Tell her when she does this or that it hurts you, let her know how you feel, use alot of " I " statements to keep from her having to defend herself.
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