A Family Divided... literally.

p2pca

I am at the end of my knotted rope, just barely swinging by a thread. 

We are planning a destination wedding in the Bahamas next May.. or were but frankly I am ready to cancel everything. 

My parents split when I was 6.. I am now 33.  This is our second wedding for my FI and I.  My father was not permitted to attend my first wedding because I was young and dumb and listened to my mother.  

We thought we had it figured out this time, we would get married in Nassau with my dad and his wife present and then have a reception with my mom when we returned from our honeymoon. 

WRONG. 

My mother has flown off the deepend, about not being included in the Bahamian wedding and my stepmother Flat out refused to attend any wedding if my mother attended.  If she doesn't attend thenI know my father won't.

I am still treated as if I don't fit into either family.  Everything is conditional.  I live 3 thousand kilometres from either of my parents who only live an hour apart.  If I fly to visit, I receive nothing but HUGE drama if I split the time I spend there between both my parents, thus, I must make 2 trips to see either parent separately and in secret.  My double life.  One my mothers daughter, the other my fathers daughter.  

Has anyone managed to overcome these types of situations and found a happy medium or should we just cancel it all and invite none of them.  

 

jagore08

I don't normally encourage this but you need to tell them flat out this day is not about them, it's about you and your FI.  You should tell them they are both welcome to come and witness your vows and they can either accept and act like adults or stay home and see you and your new husband when you get back.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.  I can understand how stubborn parents can be and they can act like big children.  I honestly think you should stand your ground.  Ask them to put their differences aside for one day and if they can't then they should rethink coming.  It's not like you're asking them to dance together at your wedding.  If they both come then make sure they are just seated away from each other.

Good luck to you.

redheadtmk

I used to have similiar problems with dividing time between my parents and with thier childish behavior. i got to the point where I had enough. I am an adult now and do not have to tolerate any behavior that I do not want to deal with. I am willing to not have them in my life if that is what it takes to not have to deal with that crap. Fortunately it did not come to that. I just told them both point blank that I was no longer a child under thier control and i was finished putting up with thier crap. If they wanted me in thier life they were going to behave like adults. period. they knew I meant it and have behaved great since. Only 1-2 instances where I had to call them out on something. its hard to change your relationship with your parents but you are an adult now and do not have to quietly put up with it anymore. tell them how you feel, tell them what you are and are not willing to tolerate and stick to it. there is no reason for you to live your whole life caterin g to thier behaviors

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_family-divided-literally?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d655e228-42ca-4a10-a3c0-7adef0124911Post:b7bd37d6-451b-45cc-85b3-9f34c25d26d2">Re: A Family Divided... literally.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't normally encourage this but you need to tell them flat out this day is not about them, it's about you and your FI.  You should tell them they are both welcome to come and witness your vows and they can either accept and act like adults or stay home and see you and your new husband when you get back.  
Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

This.  They need to stop acting like children and be there for you when you get married.  The day is about you, not them.  If they can't act like the adults that they are then they won't be welcomed.

Have the two of you just considered doing a small intimate wedding?  Then you can have a celebratory party (non-wedding related) when you get back.  This way you wouldn't have to worry about the parent drama.

Hope it all works out!

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_family-divided-literally?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d655e228-42ca-4a10-a3c0-7adef0124911Post:2750033d-113e-4dd2-a222-fc71784d5847">Re: A Family Divided... literally.</a>:
[QUOTE]I used to have similiar problems with dividing time between my parents and with thier childish behavior.<strong> i got to the point where I had enough. I am an adult now and do not have to tolerate any behavior that I do not want to deal with. I am willing to not have them in my life if that is what it takes to not have to deal with that crap.</strong> Fortunately it did not come to that. I just told them both point blank that I was no longer a child under thier control and i was finished putting up with thier crap. If they wanted me in thier life they were going to behave like adults. period. they knew I meant it and have behaved great since. Only 1-2 instances where I had to call them out on something. its hard to change your relationship with your parents but you are an adult now and do not have to quietly put up with it anymore. tell them how you feel, tell them what you are and are not willing to tolerate and stick to it. there is no reason for you to live your whole life caterin g to thier behaviors
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]


You need to point blank tell your parents what pp said above and you also need to add on of your paragraphs:

<div><em>I am still treated as if I don't fit into either family. Everything is conditional. I live 3 thousand kilometres from either of my parents who only live an hour apart. If I fly to visit, I receive nothing but HUGE drama if I split the time I spend there between both my parents, thus, I must make 2 trips to see either parent separately and in secret. My double life. One my mothers daughter, the other my fathers daughter.</em>

Until you take the reigns and tell them you will not put up with it any longer (even if it means staying away) they will not change.

I would also remind your mother that it was her manipulation that made you not include your father in your first wedding, so this one is his turn.

The entire solution rests with you setting really tough boundaries with these people - and you have to mean it!</div>

Muffin'sMom

People behave like this because they have been allowed to do so.  You need to put your foot down and say, "This is what we are going to do.  If you do not want to be a part of it, fine...we will miss you.  Please understand that I have reached the point where I am finished being manipulated by you, and will no longer play this game.  Consider carefully how much you want me in your life, and then make your decision."

I know how you feel, because I have been there.  The sense of peace that I feel by letting go of their drama is miraculous.

regfalange

If they can't act like adults then I would say screw it, and just go down there and get married by yourself and your FI.  No need to bring extra drama and baggage.

p2pca

Thank you ladies for all the responses and empowerment, encouragement. 

My stepmother apologized to me this morning, and I spoke with my dad, he did agree that he would have to leave if my mom came and I know that.  I also don't want to risk yet another heart attack for him.  We are having a small wedding to begin with which was why I had said there wasn't anyway that I could have both there.  Its a small pier over the ocean and I don't want anyone thrown over.  

We are having a reception after the vows for those that are there and we will have a smaller reception for my mom when we visit her for a couple days.  But I am doubting she will cope. And frankly that is her issue.  

Thanks for letting me vent and hear that I am really not the only one that deals with this.  I always think I have moved on, but I know that I keep it locked up pretty tight.  It amazes me that everyone can hold such a grudge for almost 30 years.  My mom had me alienated from my dad for so long with her lies I am sure she thinks that they are true at this point.  

Its always been a struggle knowing your always half jack *** no matter which parent your with.  

bogdan

This is so sad. As a step-mother myself, I am proud of yours for apologizing! You have every right to have your wedding the way you want it. It sounds like you haven't really been able to please your parents anyway, so maybe it's time to do what you think is right. If you are not intentionally trying to hurt anyone, you are ok. You can't change them, but you can change the way you behave. You are ONE person and should not let them emotionally blackmail you anymore. Best wishes!

heather2449707

I would not cancel your wedding over this. What I would do is go on with your wedding, invite the both of them, and then if neither show that's their loss not theirs. They need to stop acting like children for one day.

blush64

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_family-divided-literally?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d655e228-42ca-4a10-a3c0-7adef0124911Post:de02f6a3-7f12-409d-ba70-2dab547677a3">Re: A Family Divided... literally.</a>:
[QUOTE]I would not cancel your wedding over this. What I would do is go on with your wedding, invite the both of them, and then if neither show that's their loss not theirs. They need to stop acting like children for one day.
Posted by heather2449707[/QUOTE]

This is what I would do as well. I wouldn't exclude anyone even if it has been done before. Invite them both and let them know they are both invited. Let them know you love them both and you are sure they wouldn't want to add stress or upset to your day. IF they can't make it or won't make it it isn't your fault.