My Mother is Making me want to Elope :(

FutureMrsMcBride

My fiance and I got engaged on December 17 of this year, and I've been so excited by the prospect of planning an event that not only joins us as partners in life, but also joins our families. However, my mother seems hell-bent on making me miserable over it (Note: No, we did not have a great relationship with my mother prior to our engagement. She loves my fiance, but has a great deal of resentment for me and my FIL's) 

My fiance and I have been trying to bang out some of the basic details (a date that works for all major family members, ceremony and reception venues- not little details, just the major things), so we won't have to rush around last minute. We've had a unique struggle with our date as we wanted May 17 (very significant to us), but both of us have sisters graduating high school in May of 2012 as well. Furthermore, my FSIL's  school refuses to commit to a week in May. So rather than upset our families (because graduations are a one time thing too) I volunteered to change our date to the 3rd of March to avoid all the date conflicts in May (and my sister is in a student exchange in April, so that was out too).

I called my mother yesterday to ask if she had any last minute guest list additions and to let her know we were considering changing the date to accomodate for everyone. She then launched in to a half hour rant about how I'm "retarded" for changing the date, that I'm caving to everyone, that my trying to save money (on a wedding we're paying for!) is awful, that I'm making horrible  decisions trying to make other people happy, and that if my  grandfather was still alive he would embarassed by me, etc. Rather than get mad I took it in stride and let her rant and hoped she'd calm down, but she didn't. Finally she tells me, "The wedding is ALL about the Bride. Nobody else. It's not supposed to matter what all these other people want! You're supposed to have everything you want! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!"

I told her I disagreed and that it's supposed to be about us as a couple and about our families, and she told me that I was being stupid. And why should I care if we spend 18,000 on one day? Maybe because I'm paying for it!!!

In the end the thing that pissed me off the most was that she was telling me that I shouldn't accomodate anyone because they didn't matter...you know, except for her. Then she calls a venue today we're going to see next week to complain about their policy on serving alcohol (we wanted a dry reception because my mother's boyfriend is a raging drunk), after I'd already spoken to them because she wants to bring in liquor. Then she proceeded to criticize me for being unwilling to do a religious marriage prep course (I'm decidedly atheist) in the United Church. Then she told me that May is a disgusting month to get married in. And marrying on a weekday to save money is horrendous. And why can't we get married in September (my FBIL killed himself in September of 2010)? Or in 2013? Better yet 2014!

Am I being awful being annoyed with her, or is she being as much of a pain as I feel like she is? My fiance wants to cut all ties with her because she's like this about everything- but you can't choose your family! I just don't know how to deal with her, I've tried being patient but I'm sick of being told how stupid I'm being.

Rant over.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-making-want-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d8d455de-8294-4fe6-8aaf-306cad6a3ecePost:1b44c82e-2930-48c3-a3e7-9392a54a0644">My Mother is Making me want to Elope :(</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I got engaged on December 17 of this year, and I've been so excited by the prospect of planning an event that not only joins us as partners in life, but also joins our families. However, my mother seems hell-bent on making me miserable over it (Note: No, we did not have a great relationship with my mother prior to our engagement. She loves my fiance, but has a great deal of resentment for me and my FIL's) <strong>It sounds like you need not talk about the wedding planning and details around her. My Mom was the same way and we didn't and still don't have the greatest relationship. When she started questioning my every move regarding the wedding, I quickly learned to not give her many details. Just say, we are working on it or we have that taken care of already. </strong>My fiance and I have been trying to bang out some of the basic details (a date that works for all major family members, ceremony and reception venues- not little details, just the major things), so we won't have to rush around last minute. We've had a unique struggle with our date as we wanted May 17 (very significant to us), but both of us have sisters graduating high school in May of 2012 as well. Furthermore, my FSIL's  school refuses to commit to a week in May. So rather than upset our families (because graduations are a one time thing too) I volunteered to change our date to the 3rd of March to avoid all the date conflicts in May (and my sister is in a student exchange in April, so that was out too). I called my mother yesterday to ask if she had any last minute guest list additions and to let her know we were considering changing the date to accomodate for everyone. She then launched in to a half hour rant about how I'm "retarded" for changing the date, that I'm caving to everyone, that my trying to save money (on a wedding we're paying for!) is awful, that I'm making horrible  decisions trying to make other people happy, and that if my  grandfather was still alive he would embarassed by me, etc. Rather than get mad I took it in stride and let her rant and hoped she'd calm down, but she didn't. <strong>I am kinda of with your Mom on this one. Regardless of the date you decide on, you will not and cannot please everyone. So, don't even try. Have your wedding when you want it and go from there. I am not saying to not try to take into consideration other family functions and celebrations, but don't stress too much over it. </strong>Finally she tells me, "The wedding is ALL about the Bride. Nobody else. It's not supposed to matter what all these other people want! You're supposed to have everything you want! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!" I told her I disagreed and that it's supposed to be about us as a couple and about our families, and she told me that I was being stupid. <strong>You are correct here. The wedding is about your and your husband to be. </strong>And why should I care if we spend 18,000 on one day? <strong>Don't tell her how much things cost if you are paying for it yourselves. Trust me, it will save you a lot of stress and aggravation. My Mom was the same way and we paid for everything oursevles. </strong>Maybe because I'm paying for it!!! In the end the thing that pissed me off the most was that she was telling me that I shouldn't accomodate anyone because they didn't matter...you know, except for her. Then she calls a venue today we're going to see next week to complain about their policy on serving alcohol (we wanted a dry reception because my mother's boyfriend is a raging drunk), after I'd already spoken to them because she wants to bring in liquor. Then she proceeded to criticize me for being unwilling to do a religious marriage prep course (I'm decidedly atheist) in the United Church. Then she told me that May is a disgusting month to get married in. And marrying on a weekday to save money is horrendous. And why can't we get married in September (my FBIL killed himself in September of 2010)? Or in 2013? Better yet 2014! Am I being awful being annoyed with her, or is she being as much of a pain as I feel like she is?<strong>Again, stop talking to her about the details. And don't have her involved in the planning. I know that sounds harsh, but my Mom didn't even see the church or reception venue until a few weeks before the wedding. I know it is sad and hurts, but honestly, it probably is the best solution to a lot of the problems you are having. </strong> My fiance wants to cut all ties with her because she's like this about everything- but you can't choose your family! I just don't know how to deal with her, I've tried being patient but I'm sick of being told how stupid I'm being. Rant over.<strong> I don't think this is necessarily the best thing to do. Hopefully, once you are married, things will get better. I know it has for us. You just need to be careful what you say around her and things will be a lot less stressful. </strong>
Posted by FutureMrsMcBride[/QUOTE]

Edit: I even went as far as not talking to my Mom for a while until she realized that I was my own person and not someone to be manipulated and controlled. I also told her that if she could not keep her mouth shut (bc she is very outspoken and doesn't care who she offends) that I did not want her at my wedding. Needless to say, it worked and she was able to see her oldest daughter get married without any bitching or complaining.

AutumnFair

If my mom kept criticizing my wedding planning I would tell her that it is not appreciated and would minimize if not completely cut her off in wedding details.

Also if your mother is this much into criticizing your life you need to start setting up boundaries, if she crosses them then start cutting her off to certain things to show her that she can't boss you around.

vicki0508

I agree with Missy and Autumn.  My only question is why were you asking your mom about "last minute guest additions?"  Your wedding isn't for a while, I don't understand how there can be any last minute additions at this point in time.

mystinamarie

I have a feeling this goes way beyond wedding and is just blatant verbal/emotional abuse from her.

You might benefit from seeing a therapist to talk about ways to handle her. There are also a lot of great self help books for "saying no" and pushy parents and narcissitic parents.

You have to accept that you will never be able to change her. Even if it gets better for a bit with you not speaking to her. What you'll have to adapt is how YOU handle and react to all of it.

Sorry to hear that your day is turning into a lot of drama! Good luck.

orangecrush32

Don't discuss wedding plans with your mother. She's not paying, so there's no reason to include her in the details.

Muffin'sMom

Dr. Phil says that we teach people how to treat us.  Maybe it's time for your mom to learn that you are an adult who likes who you are and are paying for the wedding that you want to have.  You can also invite her to remove herself from the entire process if she cannot treat you respectfully.

I know from painful personal experience that sometimes you have to take a hard stand before some people get the big picture.

jberg134

Time for some boundaries to be enacted between you and your mom.  You and FI are a newly developing family system and the two of you need to determine how permeable the borders between your system and your mother are going to be.  Right now it sounds like there are no boundaries-your mom thinks you and her are one in the same.  That isn't going to work for your wedding or for your marriage.  I fully agree with pps who suggest that you stop talking about planning with her.  She needs to know that you will not discuss your life with her until she can be respectful of you as an independant adult.