I changed my mind.......

thatsmrs.2u

Hi Ladies....I have a small dilemma, maybe you can help me out with some advice.
My WP was originally suppose to be friends from each part of my life however after careful thought and consideration. I feel bad that I didn't ask my sister. We aren't the best of friends but we have become very close over the past 5 yrs. and we are closer than one of my bridesmaids and I are. So I was thinking about asking that particular girl to step down......and replace her with my sister.
What do you think??  

---Confused

melissamc2

I think if you feel that strongly about including your sister, then you should ask your sister to join your wedding party - without firing anyone.  I mean, you can CALL IT asking someone to "step-down," but it really amounts to firing a friend from a position.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm one of the few who does believe that SOMETIMES it IS ok to "fire" someone - but you're also probably ending the friendship when you do that, so it has to be over something legitimate, not because they skipped a shower or didn't want to get a $900 pair of shoes.  In your case...do you really want to risk ending a friendship because it took you a while to realize you love your sister enough to have her in your wedding?  That's not only a little insulting to your sister, but VERY insulting to your friend.  In essence, you are punishing your friend for YOU not having thought things through in advance.

Add your sister.  Keep your friends.  There is nothing wrong with having one more person.

thatsmrs.2u

Sounds like a decent idea....I just don't want to over do it with the wedding party.....I was going to just have 2 bridesmaids....then that changed to 4. now 5??? As you can see, I can't make up my freaking mind! And everybody knows it!

thatsmrs.2u

Ohand thanks for the advice!

tlbattaglia

I originally was going to have 1, that turned to 5, and now 6.  So I understand the 'getting out of hand' with the WP.  I do agree though that it would be a bad thing to ask someone to not be in the WP once they already were asked to be.

marissa_claire

Agreed with above, you can certainly add her but not replace someone else to fit her in.  Did you not think about this before your WP was decided?  Me and FI talked for months about our WP before we asked anyone. 

rknox88

Don't worry about the number of people standing up with you. If they are important people to you and you would like them to be up with you during the ceremony include them.  Don't ask someone to step down for the sake of even sides or having a small wedding party.  Don't over analyze. If you want your sister, ask her.

[Deleted User]

I have 9 BMs. Is that a lot? YES! However, I couldn't imaging any of them not standing up there with me when I got married.

thatsmrs.2u

Well I put a little thought into selecting my WP....However, I've had the same few friends for years so it was pretty simple for me to decide. Plus, when I asked my sister the first time around(we have set multiple dates), she was like ooohh I thought that would be or your friends. She's 10 yrs older than me. So I just took that as she didn't want to be bothered with being in the WP. I'm sure she still feels that way but I do want her to be a part of my wedding. Maybe I'll have her read a poem or something. Is that significant enough?? Or would that be like a slap in the face?????

[Deleted User]

Think 2, 5, 10 years down the road and try to think if you'll regret not having your sister in your wedding party.  If you think you will you should probably just ask her.
And if you've already asked your sister when your wedding was at another date..does she think she's still in the wedding right now??? Sorry..I'm just a little confused at that part..

thatsmrs.2u

Ok I wasn't clear about that.....When our wedding was another date I asked my sister to b in the wp and she sort of declined. Saying that my bridesmaids should b my friends. I know she only said that because of the age difference btwn us. 10 yrs down the line I wouldn't really be thinking about who was in my wedding. At that point it wouldn't really matter b/c my relationships with anyone involved should be the same regardless of whether or not I asked them to be or not to be in my wedding right??? Or am I being naive? I'm so confused!

[Deleted User]

hmm, well, if she already said no then you can't make her be in the wedding party.  But if you really find it important, maybe you should have a sit down with her and let her know it is important to you, and maybe she doesn't realize that and thinks you're asking just because you feel you have to.
I wouldn't kick another girl out just to include your sister.  That relationship would change then.
And also, if you don't think you're going to look back and wish you had asked your sister, then I wouldn't really stress out about it!  But that's just me!

Ashes_3

I agree with not being able to replace her. I have 3 MHs and 5 BMS. I couldn't imagine asking someone to just be BM once I already asked them.

skylarjo04

Just make sure that if you do ask her, that you are asking her because you WANT her in the wedding and not because you feel obligated. I got a lot of crap from my family for not asking one of my sisters who is 16 years older than me to be a bridesmaid but I did not have a relationship with her and felt that it would mean more to someone who has actually been a part of my life. Its your wedding. You decide what is right for you and don't let anyone change your mind or make you feel bad or make you feel obligated to include them.

heyimbren

Five BMs is perfectly fine. It is in no way "too many".

Don't ask another BM to step down, regardless of if you ask your sister or not. It is rude.

If you did already ask her, and she declined, then I'd say you should respect that. I suppose you could ask her again if you wanted her in it, but she may decline again. You could definitely ask her to do something else at your wedding such as a reading, but you don't have to either. It isn't a slap in the face (particularly if she declined).

lalap69

Don't fire anyone.  That's a bridezilla move.  Ask your sister to be a bridesmaid if you really want her to be.  If she declines (again), ask her if she'd like to do a reading.  If she wouldn't, just let her be a guest.  That's an honour too.

lilcassers

If you un-ask a friend, you may as well realize that you will loose that friend. I have seen it happen more times then I can count. Just because your sister is important to you doesn't mean that your friend is less important. Have them both.

lilcassers

also, I went from my 6 girlfriends standing up to now 9 bridesmaids because my fiance asked me to have his sisters. at first i was annoyed because that is alot of girls, but now I am happy because after all, they will be my family and a marriage is the union of two families.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:a26862b1-793b-4705-a08c-622af592f129">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]also, I went from my 6 girlfriends standing up to now 9 bridesmaids because my fiance asked me to have his sisters. at first i was annoyed because that is alot of girls, but now I am happy because after all, they will be my family and a marriage is the union of two families.
Posted by lilcassers[/QUOTE]

If he wanted his sisters to be on the WP, why can't they be on his side? They're his sisters after all, and lots of people do this. They'd just be groomswomen.

lindsaynewbride10

In no way should you "fire" a bridesmaid to replce them with another. That would be incredibly rude. If you want to ADD your sister, by all means, add her. No subtracting please!

girlie29073

Listen, I have 7 girls in my wedding and I've seen 13 in it as well. No matter what, you never have to many girls! That just means you are very blessed with friends!!

puffs1366

I understand what everyone is saying, but I agree and disagree. You shouldn't fire someone to replace them with someone else. That just isn't right. However, I just "fired" one of my oldest friends, but not to replace her. The reason was because my fiance's brother passed away and he didn't want to replace him. I believe in having equal members in each WP, so it was easier to ask my friend to step down to make the line even because she is in Virginia and everyone else is here in NJ. I asked her to understand, and I don't see why anyone wouldn't understand that. However, I haven't heard from her since. Not even a message to say "I understand, no hard feelings." Since she and I have always had a strained relationship, and her lack of a response, I feel that I actually made the right decision. A real friend would understand a situation like mine, not be petty about it and not even comment.

In your instance, again, it is wrong to fire someone just to replace them. That's like quitting your boyfriend for another guy.

marasuttlea22

I actually had to "fire" one of my bridesmaids.  She was complaining all of the time, being totally unsupportive, decided to tell me three months before our wedding how inconvenient our date was for her "boyfriend" (who she met about 4 months after we got engaged), told me that I shouldn't have chocolate cake because she didn't like chocolate, complained about how much the dress cost (it was just over 120!)... a slew of other things.  It was the best decision I ever made.  Wow... looks like I needed a place to rant.

HOWEVER... this is a little different.  I currently have 6 bridesmaids (would have had 7) and could not be happier.  It does mean buying one more gift, but I think in the end you will be so happy that you had all of those women surrounding you if you decide to put your sister in.  I originally was not going to have any of my siblings in the wedding party, but after two months my fiance asked my brothers and I asked his sister, and we could not be happier about it.  They're happy too!!

Good luck!

angel205

I agree, just add her.
I have 5 BM, 1 junior, a flowgirl and a miniture bride. We have a big wedding party!

SHOESHPER

I was in your position...sort of.  I asked a childhood friend to me in my WP & then realized had 2nd thoughts.  She moved out of the state & as a result, we grew apart slightly.  I wanted my WP to be my nearest & dearest & thought about will the pressure put on her (in my case distance & not knowing anyone else). I thought it was a lot to put on her & SUGGESTED that she could step down.  She totally understood & agreed it would be a lot.  Made me happy & kept our friendship!  I think its OK if you ask your friend to step down if you changed your mind about her being in the party & will not regret her not being such an important part of the day.  HOWEVER do not do it just so you can replace her with your sis.  As everyone else said, its OK to just add another.  I have more BM then GM. Just don't pressure your sister to join the party-giving her another participation role is a great way to involve her still even if she doesnt want to stand up.  However, I would think she would be honored you want her at your side.  I was just in a wedding & the bride's 2 sisters were both nearly 20 years older & both did all the WP stuff with us.  We all had a blast together & the age gap was not an issue to us. Hope that helps.

mschweik13

Yeah - I'm having 10 girls for the same reason.  I can't imagine not having all of them.  My man is only having 7 - who cares about uneven #s or the big WP - you get married once.  Have everyone who's important to you.

And think to yourself: how would you feel if you were asked to step down so that a bride could have a sister she didn't originally ask?  I know that would make me feel pretty bad/sad/would hurt my feelings, even if I knew the intentions weren't bad.   Just saying.

nicoleramirez88

I just fired a bridesmaid the other day! She was an old highschool friend and she got engaged after I did and said I was in the WP and I felt obligated to make her part of mine even though she hasnt been that great of a friend. Recently it hit me that its my wedding and im only going to have 1 so i might as well be happy. so i dumped her (completley nice , she ended up being happy about it becuase she didnt have time for me) and hired a much closer friend!

asaldeen

Well get this, I didn't even ask this friend to be in my wedding party and she just assumed she was and we have been drifting apart for years but I just don't have the heart to tell her that she's not in it. She has been going through a lot and I didn't want to send her over the edge, but like I said we aren't close anymore and I'm sure she will expect me to pay for everything (Dress, Hair, Makeup, shoes, jewelry, etc), which I don't have. Even if she doesn't want me to pay I don't want her being my maid of honor which she just assumed she was.

What should I do????

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:73a6d0ee-6083-4849-a7cf-71fc1b684657">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand what everyone is saying, but I agree and disagree. You shouldn't fire someone to replace them with someone else. That just isn't right. However, I just "fired" one of my oldest friends, but not to replace her. The reason was because my fiance's brother passed away and he didn't want to replace him. I believe in having equal members in each WP, so it was easier to ask my friend to step down to make the line even because she is in Virginia and everyone else is here in NJ. I asked her to understand, and I don't see why anyone wouldn't understand that. However, I haven't heard from her since. Not even a message to say "I understand, no hard feelings." Since she and I have always had a strained relationship, and her lack of a response, I feel that I actually made the right decision. A real friend would understand a situation like mine, not be petty about it and not even comment. In your instance, again, it is wrong to fire someone just to replace them. That's like quitting your boyfriend for another guy.
Posted by puffs1366[/QUOTE]

And how, exactly, is asking one of your oldest friends to step down because numbers are more important than having her in your wedding, any better than asking someone to step down to replace them?  Seriously? 

So she's not a real friend because she doesn't understand why having even numbers is more important than your relationship with her?  I wouldn't either.

OP, don't worry about the numbers.  As PPs have said, if it's important to you to have her in the wedding, and it sounds like it is - you said you've become closer - ask her.  Don't worry about having five instead of four.  Be glad you have that many friends that you want to - and are willing to - stand up for you.

InATizzy1601

I agree HLQ.

I'm so sorry to the poster that your fiance's brother died but that is not the reason you booted your friend. You booted her because you don't like the parties to be uneven. So, if I was your friend, yes, I would also stop talking to you. Because you indicated that your numbers are more important than our friendship.

britty9

Don't kick anybody out. One of my best friends since  we were 12 got married last year, she kicked me out of her WP two weeks after I had paid for the dress, saying that we weren't the same anymore and that another girl was already helping out so much that it makes more sense to have her in it. This pretty much ended our friendship, she refused to pay back the money for my dress for 10 months.It's a lot of unnecessary drama, and I can say, it really crushed me. So good luck!