I changed my mind.......

SouthernPrairieGirl

I'm having 4 bridesmaids...but my problem is similar. I will have a maid of honor, matron of honor, and 2 others. the matron of honor is undecided. a friend of mine was supposed to be my maid of honor, and i hers. Well, she just got married about 2 weeks ago, but 3 weeks before her wedding she blew up at me. I was still in her wedding because i was trying to be the bigger person. but i don't know if i still want her in my wedding. We don't have anything in common anymore. I would rather have my sis-in-law instead, but i don't know how to tell my friend that. any ideas?

RozandAnthony

I know this is sad to say...but I'm so glad other brides are having this problem! The advice is really helpful!

My sister assumed she would be my maid of honor. She told me this before I was engaged, so I knew it was coming.

I handled it by talking to her over the phone (I think better that way) and telling her why I chose my real MOH. It wasn't that my sister wasn't good enough, it was that my real MOH is a friend of mine AND my fiance's! I know her speech will be about US, not ME. She is one of my fiance's roomates, has been my rock and right hand for 4 years, and is a wonderful person in our life. My sister then understood why I asked my friend, and not my sister.


~A future Strand

Tectersen2011

I don't usually post on any sites, but this one came up in my email today and hit close to home. First to your delema. I read all thats been posted and its simple. If you want this girl to still be your friend, don't say a word to your WP about this and add your sister. (saves the question "what kind of friends are we really?" between you and this girl. Also prevents someone else in your WP saying something if no one is the wiser..heck, we all know girls will talk!) The bottom line on all of this is GO WITH YOUR GUT! You are the bride to be afterall you will remember this day and the feelsings with it the rest of your life! Do what feels right to you!
Now, for me. I "fired" a BM. She was my best friend of 23 years (I thought) about 4 months before her wedding this past July, I announced my engagement to her and asked her (naturally) to be my BM along with one other and a MOH. In the collowing months she became bitter, treated me like crap and fired me at her wedding as her MC 10 minutes before the BP announcements. Yes i was to be her MC and not a BM and I was truely very honored to have that position. My fiancee and i travelled 10 hours out of town for a week only get get "fired" at the last minute. I was less angry about being fired than I was for the treatement leading to and the "pretending nothing cruel had happend" in the last months the night of her wedding reception. Needless to say, I feel THIS was a good reason to ask her to step down and aknowledge to her that we needed to rebuild our friendship. Things got worse after that, of course, and now I face trying to find the words to tell her that she will not be invited to my wedding. Looong story short, I felt horrible about not wanting her in my wedding! But realized over many tears, this was NOT a person I wanted next to me. Im glad I did what I did when I did it. I did was felt right to me. I hope you do the same!
Best of luck!!
KAT

Irish2hockey

Reading all these posts really makes me feel that I am not alone! I had asked my friend of 23 years to be my MOH back in June and she hasnt done anything or showed any interest in my wedding. I have had my wedding planned since I was a teenager and she got mad at me that I didnt ask her about any desisions I made (ie. my dress, the attendants dresses the flowers etc). I tried to involve her more by inviting her to go to bridal shows with me and she would blow me off the day of. I brought all my attendants down to try on dresses, she was the only one who didnt order hers and had just been blowing me off anytime I tried to talk to her. She told me she didnt have the money but then I found out she went on a $300 shopping spree a few weeks after we tried on the dresses (dress was $120). I told her I think I put too much responsibility on her and I told her I still wanted her to be in my wedding but i "released her from MOH duties" I just felt like she wasnt there for me when I needed her and that it was all about her! Needless to say she refused to have anything to do with my wedding party if she couldnt be the MOH and our 23 year friendship is over! I know I handled the situation like an adult I tried so hard to work with her but in the end I just felt that I shouldnt be working so hard to get my MOH on the same page as me. I told her that she was really hurting my feelings by walking away from this and she told me I need to save my drama for someone who cares! This has been the most heart renching experience of my life. I never thought I would lose her as a friend I have been dealing with the loss of our friendship for a month now and (just like a bad breakup) it does get easier everyday. I have reconnected with my other oldest friend over the past 4 months via facebook (thanks facebook) and even though we are far apart (shes in NYC and I'm in NH) she has been there for me. After the intial heartbreak from my first MOH I asked my friend from NYC to be my MOH. There was no question in my mind that she is the MOH for me. She has helped me with everything over the past 4 months with a smile on her face! I dont have to ask her to do much because she is already thinking about it (and about a month ago she was only doing a reading at the ceremony). I love her to death and I am so thankful to have her back in my life. Everyone makes mistakes (ie. my initial MOH) but I am so blessed to have seen who my true friends are and  had the chance to fix the mistake I made. THANKS FOR READING AND LETTING ME VENT! iI love you SARAH

BubbleBunny

I must just be plain cold hearted then after reading all these replies.  I fired a bridesmaid.  Seriously.  Why?  We are getting married November 13, 2010.  I notified all 5 of my choices in SEPTEMBER of last year.  One dropped out of her own accord in October---her hubby had lost his job, things were uncertain....I can handle that.  So there's 4 now.  3 of 4 had their dress by January.  Now, the dress is a 3 month make, so there was very little leeway after April.  By the end of May, #4 hadn't even gone to get fitted.  So yes, I fired her after much deliberation.  HOWEVER, I am not short a bridesmaid.  During my deliberation, I was perplexed on what to do and was discussing this with another friend....someone I went to high school with...someone who bullied me throughout school.  Her words?  "I can have that sucker ordered and paid for tomorrow."  My words?  "Are you sure about this?" LOL  So yeah, I fired one and replaced the other!!!!

Blueyedblond85

Shes  your sister, you should have asked her regardless!

flitterfly13

I wanted a small wedding party originally to, but we decided that it was better to just let them all in. It spares thier feelings and retains friendships. The wedding is just a day, your friends and family will be around much longer. So let sis in and your pal stay, they will be grateful and it is such a great opportunity to get closer!
Congrats and good luck!

AutumnFair

WTF is wrong with you girls who are dumping friends and replacing them? Seriously, people are NOT a freaking prop or your slave. The don't have to be interested in your wedding stuff. WPs are NOT about symmetry, they are about people you care about. I love how all you have the courage to come out and hijack this thread and turn into a great place to show how much of a Bridezilla you all are. Wow, its like the flood of newbie Bridezillas treating their friends like replaceable slave props. 

CountessBabylon

I have to agree with Autumn. The dumping and replacing just seems a little harsh. If you've known X person Y years, then you really should know how to handle the things they do. Weddings aren't a big deal for some people, and so they act accordingly. If your MOH doesn't seem interested, maybe it isn't just your wedding. Is she like that with things in her life in general? Did you ever think that maybe something OTHER than your wedding plans might be upsetting her?  I chose my MOH purely out of love, she doesn't have any responsibilities aside from getting a dress and showing up. I just want my family and friends to share something important with me, that's really all anyone should care about.

Hilary -assumed- she was going to be my MOH and got mad at first when I got everyone (all 3 of them, lol) and I didn't understand why. Turns out, she's been getting the cold shoulder from my other bridesmaid for a few months and was really upset about it. I didn't know their arguement had escalated to "I'm no speaking to you" status, so she thought I had chosen sides. Not even close (incendentally, neither is MOH).

Maybe sit down with your bridesmaid and talk about HER life for a little bit. Your wedding is one day. ONE DAY! She's been there for years, suck up your bridal excitement and be a friend (and in some cases, the bigger person).

And eloping is always an option, I'm still considering it.

nognog

Thanks for starting this post. Here's my dilemma.

I have a dear friend from school with whom we decided to partner with in this consulting firm we're starting with. It was supposed to be only the two of us girls but she introduced a third partner to the firm--which eventually became my fiance. When the engagement happened she already expected to be the MOH since she was the one who introduced me to my fiance. I had to tell her that I could at least "commit" her to be a BM as a already have a best friend for 20 years who is of course supposed to be my  MOH.

However, my bestfriend got engaged the same time I did (seems like we were sisters from another lifetime!) and lives halfway around the world (I'm from the Philippines she's from Sanfo), so she said she couldn't make it because of costs and time limitation which of course I think is really valid. Thought I could then provide that MOH title to my firm partner--the one who introduced me to my fiance.

However, this girl--my firm partner--when we have already accepted projects in the firm, has never helped at all and in fact even decided to go on a scholarship tour in the middle of the projects and left me to do all the work, as in everything! I thought if she can very well leave me up in the air at a crucial time when we have so many deliverables at work, she can also be unable to do any BM/MOH duties. Can I take her out of the list? I have been really hurt by her just leaving all her responsibilities behind, and me needing to do all the damage control all by myself.

Your thoughts please. Thanks!

artbyallie

*blinkblink* ... *blinkblink*

Where did all of these newbie Bridezillas come from? Is this just a massive trolling? If not, have you ladies read your own posts to notice how bitchy you sound?

NO, it is not okay to kick out WP members, unless they sleep with or make death threats upon one or both of the spouses-to-be.

NO, you cannot replace anyone who leaves. They are people, not props.

NO, you do not have to have even numbers. See above.

NO, your bridesmaids and even the MOH do not have to do anything beyond buying the dress and showing up wearing it, clean and sober. Any assistance with planning, throwing parties, buying gifts, is a bonus out of the kindness of their hearts.

Seriously. Where are the classy ladies to back me up on this?

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:a9c54b6f-3c0a-4b07-a1fe-3f4b504f170b">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for starting this post. Here's my dilemma. I have a dear friend from school with whom we decided to partner with in this consulting firm we're starting with. It was supposed to be only the two of us girls but she introduced a third partner to the firm--which eventually became my fiance. When the engagement happened she already expected to be the MOH since she was the one who introduced me to my fiance. I had to tell her that I could at least "commit" her to be a BM as a already have a best friend for 20 years who is of course supposed to be my  MOH. However, my bestfriend got engaged the same time I did (seems like we were sisters from another lifetime!) and lives halfway around the world (I'm from the Philippines she's from Sanfo), so she said she couldn't make it because of costs and time limitation which of course I think is really valid. Thought I could then provide that MOH title to my firm partner--the one who introduced me to my fiance. However, this girl--my firm partner--when we have already accepted projects in the firm, has never helped at all and in fact even decided to go on a scholarship tour in the middle of the projects and left me to do all the work, as in everything! I thought if she can very well leave me up in the air at a crucial time when we have so many deliverables at work, she can also be unable to do any BM/MOH duties. Can I take her out of the list? I have been really hurt by her just leaving all her responsibilities behind, and me needing to do all the damage control all by myself. Your thoughts please. Thanks!
Posted by nognog[/QUOTE]

<div>No you can not. She does NOT need to help you plan your wedding, that is your FI job (please lurk, I have answered this question in 3 or 4 related post tonight in M&M). All her duties is to get the dress and show up the day of your wedding. I definitely wouldn't kick her out because being a partner is going to cause MAJOR drama in the work place. Her leaving you with a plate of projects is shady on her part but no way does this warrant (nor you thinking she will do stuff for your wedding) her being kicked out.  </div>

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:dc9d80b0-4be8-41da-8e8e-063d8125c9fe">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]*blinkblink* ... *blinkblink* Where did all of these newbie Bridezillas come from? Is this just a massive trolling? If not, have you ladies read your own posts to notice how bitchy you sound? NO, it is not okay to kick out WP members, unless they sleep with or make death threats upon one or both of the spouses-to-be. NO, you cannot replace anyone who leaves. They are people, not props. NO, you do not have to have even numbers. See above. NO, your bridesmaids and even the MOH do not have to do anything beyond buying the dress and showing up wearing it, clean and sober. Any assistance with planning, throwing parties, buying gifts, is a bonus out of the kindness of their hearts. Seriously. Where are the classy ladies to back me up on this?
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

<div>God, I really hope its trolling because I really can't believe that an organize Bridezilla came together and hijacked this thread. </div>

CountessBabylon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:dc9d80b0-4be8-41da-8e8e-063d8125c9fe">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE].... See above. NO, your bridesmaids and even the MOH do not have to do anything beyond buying the dress and showing up wearing it, clean and sober. Any assistance with planning, throwing parties, buying gifts, is a bonus out of the kindness of their hearts. Seriously. Where are the classy ladies to back me up on this?
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

^^ KINDESS OF THEIR HEARTS! Can't be emphasized enough!! Look beyond the floof and fluff of the event to the heart of it: people gathering to celebrate your marriage and happiness. NOT people gathered to do whatever you say and expect because "holy crap it's my wedding and everything matters so much." There is life beyond your wedding day, and before you start replacing maids and creating rifts, it's worth it to stop weigh "I can suck it up for just one day, and keep a friend" against "F this, behave the way I want or it' over." Barring the obvious deal-breakers of cheating, stealing, and kitten-punching.

nognog

The reason the people are posting here and and asking for advice is because they do not want to be bridezillas. Finding the right people to stand next to you at your wedding day is very crucial, not to order them around but because you only want the most special and important people in your party. It's really being a cross between ethics and gut but hopefully there can always be a compromise.

dreahpent

For anyone who HAS asked someone to step down....Any suggestions on how to go about?  It is actually advice for my fiance as he asked someone who keeps hinting that they do not want to make the financial obligations (even though $ doesn't seem to be an issue in anywhere else in his life and we are trying to keep it cheap although it is a destination wedding) and can't even commit on the date.  They ARE friends but the friendship has been strained recently.  Of course he would still be a guest.  Worried about his feelings becaue I know he would like to be ub tge WP, but he is turning out to be more work than a supportive force.  I sort of suggested my fiance ask him as he was sort of hinting and it is his OLDEST friend but definitely not his closest(which I didn't realize at the time).  He is definitely going to ask him to step down but just needs advice from an outside party right now.  thanks bunches

jjlov4ever

Hi take the decision thats makes you more happy as my mom said to me "you ll never can please everyone" so the most importatn opinion is yours and you fiancee just youand him!! good luck!

Muffin'sMom

Hi Autumn!  Waving from the corner of the room!!!

I agree with you completely, and have only one other question.  What is the criteria for friendship in this thread?  It is so selfish and self centered....I'm speechless.

KaylaSue19

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:3cdf62c6-5534-42db-8630-0cb4b56ece00">Re: I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]WTF is wrong with you girls who are dumping friends and replacing them? Seriously, people are NOT a freaking prop or your slave. The don't have to be interested in your wedding stuff. WPs are NOT about symmetry, they are about people you care about. I love how all you have the courage to come out and hijack this thread and turn into a great place to show how much of a Bridezilla you all are. Wow, its like the flood of newbie Bridezillas treating their friends like replaceable slave props. 
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

YES! You said exactly what I was thinking this entire thread.  I know I am still a "newb", but nothing like this! All I could see was people with 1-5 posts sitting here and validating kicking people out. I was hoping a veteran would come across this post. :)

KaylaSue19

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_changed-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d9455107-4ca7-415e-b1ad-bc8e05153b93Post:652ee64b-0533-4c9a-a775-50028fe93661">I changed my mind.......</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Ladies....I have a small dilemma, maybe you can help me out with some advice. My WP was originally suppose to be friends from each part of my life however after careful thought and consideration. I feel bad that I didn't ask my sister. We aren't the best of friends but we have become very close over the past 5 yrs. and we are closer than one of my bridesmaids and I are. So I was thinking about asking that particular girl to step down......and replace her with my sister. What do you think??   ---Confused
Posted by thatsmrs.2u[/QUOTE]

OP's Post..Just in case. :)

badcowgirl97

Well I have the same problem I havent really asked my fiance's sister but there is so much drama with that side of the family that I really dont want her in it as well as her daughter how do I tell them.  But with your question why not just add one more bridesmaid.

Rans07

 i think that if you're considering "firing" a BM then they must not be a friend that you can't live without. Because there's no way you don't know that they're going to be offended.. and probably stop talking to you. In the end though its NOT EVEN ABOUT WHO AND WHO ISN'T A BM... ITS ABOUT THAT PERSON STANDING NEXT TO YOU.. THE ONE YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH. that's what matters. the rest is all for SHOW!!! 

stine1

send somebody  to tel her on your behalf

kayakrunhike

Asking someone to leave your WP is generally a friendship ending move.  Please don't act surprised if that person doesn't wan tto talk to you.  Think how you would feel in that situation.  Also, they are your closest friends and family, not props.  Even sides do not matter, if they really are those who mean the most to you.  Period.  I don't care how 'ocd' you are or how much you think it will mess up your photos (which, it won't.  I know this from experience.) 

There are very few reasons to kick people out from a WP.  Sleeping with your FI is one (although, that leads to a whole host of other problems), and many effectively remove themselves by not getting the required dress/tux.  Replacing WP members is a slap in the face to the person being kicked out, andd the one taking their spot. 

OP, I added my brother's gf literally a year after asking my other BMs.  (Long engagement, picked people way too early).  It was because we became really close (they weren't dating when I picked the rest of the BP) and I truly wanted her to stand with me.  It wasn't insulting at all, and she was really excited.  Don't ask anyone else to step down, for reasons I already mentioned. 

InATizzy1601

Can I just say I hate the term "firing" a bridesmaid.
 

They DO NOT WORK FOR YOU!!

kayrene22

Yes You most definately need to put your sister in the wedding. If you do not you will live to regret it. Trust me. I am sure your friend will understand., thats if she is true friend. I would get the friend that you are asking to step down to still play an active role in your wedding so she does not feel bad. Also if you feel that bad add your sister as a extra bridesmaid and call it a day.

Hope this helps
Thanks
Karen
PS: All the best with your wedding

katiemulnix

I am having the same problem.  I can't make up my mind.  Adding to the problem is the fact that my fiance had literally 2 people he wants in the wedding.  I mean he has another friend he's planning on asking and a cousin from out of state just to get up to four.  I feel bad asking him to ask people he isn't close with but I also feel bad not asking all the girls I had planned on.  I think I'm going to end up meeting in the middle and have the other 2 gilrs be readers or something.  Sorry I couldn't help you more, if anyone has any advice for me I'd love it!

LuluP82

This is really the most ridiculous thread I've ever read, ever.

1) You don't really need "support" to plan a wedding. It's a party. Sure, there are a whole host of feelings surrounding weddings, and now that mine is so close, I have definitely had my moments. And yeah, I've talked to my friends about stuff-- but not because they're BMs, because they're friends!

2) BM is not a job. You can't fire anyone from it.

3) You don't have to have even sides. If someone steps down on your FIs side, it doesn't mean you have to fire someone from your side! That's just silly.

4) If you're asking someone to step down, you're ending the friendship. So, if you had a friendship-ending event happen before the wedding, that's a reason to step down. But, "You didn't plan my shower/bachelorette/didn't get fitted for my dress/couldn't help me with DIY projects/my FI's friend can't come  and I want the numbers even" is not a reason to ask someone to step down. Neither is "I decided I like my other friend/sister/sister in law better than you."

5) Just because WP members spend money on themselves, doesn't mean they have to spend money on your wedding. If they say they can't afford a dress-- even if YOU think it's cheap-- it doesn't mean they can't go out and buy other stuff. This is for the girl who was complaining that she asked them to buy $120 dresses and her BM went on a $300 shopping spree the week after she said she couldn't afford the dress. Um hello? It's her money, maybe she wanted to spend it on stuff she'd wear more than once.
Bridal Party members are people too! They can still buy houses and cars and computers and TVs and go on vacations, even if they haven't spent  money on you.

This thread makes me lose faith in humanity.

thatsmrs.2u

Seriously....I didn't think asking my friend to step down for my sister was a big deal. But maybe that's just because if the shoe was on the other foot I really wouldn't care. I believe I've just decided to ask my sister to do something else. I think I mentioned this but my sister is older and expressed no desire to be one of my BM's so there it is. Thanks for all the replies! The good, bad, and the ugly! 

****Oh and by the way, I'm not a bridezilla I'm just trying to figure out the best way to do things. I tend to be a b*tch on a regular basis and I think I'd like to change it up for the wedding!    

deznsmith

I had 4 bridesmaids,  I actually fired two of them and replaced them with 1.  I had run into some of my good friends from high school (that I hadn't seen in years) shortly after I started planning, and I felt pressured to include them in the wedding.  They were super excited I had asked them.  But a few months later when I started to plan and just get together and talk, they stoped returning my voice mails and texts, and never could make time to meet up, even though I was willing to go to them.  I decided right there when they wouldn't event try to make time for me, that I needed to fire them.  The worst part is I haven't even told them yet becuase they won't answer their phone!  I think they will get the hint because I decided I'm not even inviting them to the wedding.  We haven't really spoken since we graduated, so I don't really feel a need to invite them anymore.  I replaced both of them with one of my good friends I recently made and I am so happy I did because she is so supportive and everything I needed a bridemaid to be!