Moms and Maids

FMIL upset wedding isn't in groom's hometown

I hope someone out there can help with this. My fiance and I live in Washington, DC, but he is from Long Island. We met in DC, fell in love in DC and will live her after the wedding. Also, I am FROM DC. My fiance has a much larger family than I do (and my mother passed away three years ago), but I still have many close friends and family friends of my mother's here. His mother assumed we would get married in Long Island because they have the bigger family and I decided to keep an open mind and looked at venues there. But the more I thought about it the more I realized I would regret it if I didn't get married in my hometown. When we told his mother we've decided to have the wedding here she threw an absolute fit. She's said she'll come to the wedding but unless it's in Long Island she won't provide any financial assistance (yet she expects us to have a traditional, expensive Long Island-style wedding). Am I being crazy for wanting to get married here? How much consideration should his side of the family get? My groom is completely on my side  and says the immediate family will come wherever, it's about 50 extended family that won't leave Long Island. I don't know what to do. It's hard for me to ignore because I hate feeling as though I've upset someone. And my groom said she'll take every chance throughout the year to get in a dig if we don't have it in Long Island. We've been engaged four weeks and she's ruining this experience for me. Help!!

Re: FMIL upset wedding isn't in groom's hometown

  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2012
    I
    n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-upset-wedding-isnt-in-grooms-hometown?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:dc31f328-6106-4227-9b6b-b5a4d20ecd59Post:fcceaa6c-5847-446e-8c62-e85f4730592c">FMIL upset wedding isn't in groom's hometown</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hope someone out there can help with this. My fiance and I live in Washington, DC, but he is from Long Island. We met in DC, fell in love in DC and will live her after the wedding. Also, I am FROM DC. My fiance has a much larger family than I do (and my mother passed away three years ago), but I still have many close friends and family friends of my mother's here. His mother assumed we would get married in Long Island because they have the bigger family and I decided to keep an open mind and looked at venues there. But the more I thought about it the more I realized I would regret it if I didn't get married in my hometown. When we told his mother we've decided to have the wedding here she threw an absolute fit. She's said she'll come to the wedding but unless it's in Long Island she won't provide any financial assistance (yet she expects us to have a traditional, expensive Long Island-style wedding). Am I being crazy for wanting to get married here? How much consideration should his side of the family get? My groom is completely on my side  and says the immediate family will come wherever, it's about 50 extended family that won't leave Long Island. I don't know what to do. It's hard for me to ignore because I hate feeling as though I've upset someone. And my groom said she'll take every chance throughout the year to get in a dig if we don't have it in Long Island. We've been engaged four weeks and she's ruining this experience for me. Help!!
    Posted by katherinedw78[/QUOTE]

    My two cents

    It is more traditional to be married in the bride's home church (if she's throwing tradition at you)

    More important, your FI also wants to be married in DC.

    Tell her to DEAL
  • This isn't your problem.  This is your FI's problem so trust him to deal with it.  If she makes any comments to you, make sure you tell your FI.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • you have every right to get married where you (and your FI) want to.  If she's not financially contributing then she gets no say in the type of wedding you have, so don't get pushed into the giant wedding if you don't want it and/or can't afford it.  If she does offer to contribute don't book anything you can't afford until you have the cash in hand; otherwise she might threaten to pull the money to get her way on any number of things.

    You and FI should present a united front, and if she continues to make comments about it he should handle her.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-upset-wedding-isnt-in-grooms-hometown?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dc31f328-6106-4227-9b6b-b5a4d20ecd59Post:fcceaa6c-5847-446e-8c62-e85f4730592c">FMIL upset wedding isn't in groom's hometown</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hope someone out there can help with this. My fiance and I live in Washington, DC, but he is from Long Island. We met in DC, fell in love in DC and will live her after the wedding. Also, I am FROM DC. My fiance has a much larger family than I do (and my mother passed away three years ago), but I still have many close friends and family friends of my mother's here. His mother assumed we would get married in Long Island because they have the bigger family and I decided to keep an open mind and looked at venues there. But the more I thought about it the more I realized I would regret it if I didn't get married in my hometown. When we told his mother we've decided to have the wedding here she threw an absolute fit. She's said she'll come to the wedding but unless it's in Long Island she won't provide any financial assistance (yet she expects us to have a traditional, expensive Long Island-style wedding). Am I being crazy for wanting to get married here? How much consideration should his side of the family get? My groom is completely on my side  and says the immediate family will come wherever, it's about 50 extended family that won't leave Long Island. I don't know what to do. It's hard for me to ignore because I hate feeling as though I've upset someone. <strong>And my groom said she'll take every chance throughout the year to get in a dig if we don't have it in Long Island.</strong> We've been engaged four weeks and she's ruining this experience for me. Help!!
    Posted by katherinedw78[/QUOTE]

    Then he needs to sit his mother down the first time it happens and tell her to STFU and deal with it or neither of you will be seeing her anymore.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-upset-wedding-isnt-in-grooms-hometown?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dc31f328-6106-4227-9b6b-b5a4d20ecd59Post:fcceaa6c-5847-446e-8c62-e85f4730592c">FMIL upset wedding isn't in groom's hometown</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hope someone out there can help with this. My fiance and I live in Washington, DC, but he is from Long Island. We met in DC, fell in love in DC and will live her after the wedding. Also, I am FROM DC. My fiance has a much larger family than I do (and my mother passed away three years ago), but I still have many close friends and family friends of my mother's here. His mother assumed we would get married in Long Island because they have the bigger family and I decided to keep an open mind and looked at venues there. But the more I thought about it the more I realized I would regret it if I didn't get married in my hometown. When we told his mother we've decided to have the wedding here she threw an absolute fit. She's said she'll come to the wedding but unless it's in Long Island she won't provide any financial assistance (yet she expects us to have a traditional, expensive Long Island-style wedding). Am I being crazy for wanting to get married here? How much consideration should his side of the family get? My groom is completely on my side  and says the immediate family will come wherever, it's about 50 extended family that won't leave Long Island. I don't know what to do. It's hard for me to ignore because I hate feeling as though I've upset someone. <strong>And my groom said she'll take every chance throughout the year to get in a dig if we don't have it in Long Islan</strong>d. We've been engaged four weeks and she's ruining this experience for me. Help!!
    Posted by katherinedw78[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This tells me it is time for your FI to have a come to Jesus meeting with his mom.  He needs to spell out the boundaries clearly and the location of your wedding needs to become a closed topic.</div><div>
    </div><div>She treats people like this because she is allowed to.  Don't allow it.  I think it was Dr. Phil who said "you train people how to treat you."  If you let her treat you crap, she will.  She has to suffer the consequences for her bullying.  Doesn't sound like anyone makes her suffer those.

    </div>
  • edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-upset-wedding-isnt-in-grooms-hometown?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:dc31f328-6106-4227-9b6b-b5a4d20ecd59Post:fcceaa6c-5847-446e-8c62-e85f4730592c">FMIL upset wedding isn't in groom's hometown</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hope someone out there can help with this. My fiance and I live in Washington, DC, but he is from Long Island. We met in DC, fell in love in DC and will live her after the wedding. Also, I am FROM DC. My fiance has a much larger family than I do (and my mother passed away three years ago), but I still have many close friends and family friends of my mother's here. His mother assumed we would get married in Long Island because they have the bigger family and I decided to keep an open mind and looked at venues there. But the more I thought about it the more I realized I would regret it if I didn't get married in my hometown. When we told his mother we've decided to have the wedding here she threw an absolute fit. She's said she'll come to the wedding but unless it's in Long Island she won't provide any financial assistance (yet she expects us to have a traditional, expensive Long Island-style wedding). Am I being crazy for wanting to get married here? How much consideration should his side of the family get? My groom is completely on my side  and says the immediate family will come wherever, it's about 50 extended family that won't leave Long Island. I don't know what to do. It's hard for me to ignore because I hate feeling as though I've upset someone. And my groom said she'll take every chance throughout the year to get in a dig if we don't have it in Long Island. We've been engaged four weeks and she's ruining this experience for me. Help!!
    Posted by katherinedw78[/QUOTE]

    I don't have to read the post, the title says it all and here's what I got - tough sh!t for her. 

    But curiousity got the best of me and I read the post too.  He needs to have a chat with him Mom and firmly tell her "This is OUR decision.  I'd really appreciate it if you could be a little bit more supportive during this time.  I am asking you to please respect us as adults, and respect that this is our wedding, our marriage, and therefore all of our decisions will what's best for us."

    I really can't express how annoying it is when people (especially family) feel the need to hijack what is supposed to be such a special day. 

    EDIT - And for what it's worth, if she makes a snide comment to you, there is nothing wrong with saying "That is really inappropriate and I would prefer not to have this conversation."  Your fiance needs to do his part of course, but don't feel like you can't speak your mind if she's overstepping her boundaries with you.
  • Others have given the advice I would give you, but I will add that the sort of manipulation your FMIL is attempting won't stop with your wedding if you and FI don't put your foot down now.

    What would follow?  She has a fit about when to have kids? Where to raise them? Whether you work or stay home?

    Cut this meddling woman out now.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-upset-wedding-isnt-in-grooms-hometown?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:dc31f328-6106-4227-9b6b-b5a4d20ecd59Post:52dec543-899f-474e-9533-d1a0aa0e7643">Re: FMIL upset wedding isn't in groom's hometown</a>:
    [QUOTE]Others have given the advice I would give you, but I will add that the sort of manipulation your FMIL is attempting won't stop with your wedding if you and FI don't put your foot down now. What would follow?  She has a fit about when to have kids? Where to raise them? Whether you work or stay home? Cut this meddling woman out now.
    Posted by pearlaqua[/QUOTE]

    ...insisting on being in the delivery room.......
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Let her try and ruin it. But you don't HAVE to let her ruin it. You are letting her get to you. You are the only person who has 100 percent control you feel. Take a step back and realize she isn't making you feel this way.

    This is only giving you a glimpse in how she will react in other situations. Do what you and your finace wants. If you let her control this then she will keep stepping on you on anything if she feels you will let her. Show her you will not let her control you and eventually she will back off.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • I am sorry she is giveing you so much of a hard time. I would just sit her down and tell her this is your decision that you and your FI made it together its what you both want. I had to make a similar decision my family is in three siffernt states. My parents are in Louisina my sister in virginia and my grand parents in mississippi. My FI family is in Virginia south and north carlionia. While the two of us are in missouri i went to college there and he moved to be with my last year. We are haveing it in missouri. 

    Agree so much with everyone if she gets her way now whats to stop her later. She will just interfer in your marrige later on in many ways. 
  • First, don't accept any money from her. Money=Power

    Secondly, my father gave me some great advice when my FMIL kept insisting and demanding on certain things. At the end of the day, it's your and your fiance's wedding. You have full control and can make whatever decisions that you want to make. Just keep this in mind whenever people disagree with you.

    Don't let her get to you. Just have your FI talk with his mom. You should not approach her. If she continues to act like that, you don't have to involve her at all in the planning since you didn't accept any money from her.
  • You should absolutely get married where you want to. My FMIL has also been a pain about location. We are getting married in my hometown staying with tradition which is about two hours outside of Chicago where he is from. She has beenaking stabs at me the whole time about it making jokes that we are getting married in a barn, that "country folk" are different,etc. Unfortunately I have just had to bite my tongue and vent a lot to my parents. Overtime hopefully she will come around but you know what you are doing is right so stick with your choice.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards