Future mother in law hates me!

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:0c11ed5c-98ad-4fd6-b9be-d128053a5f65">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not stupid, I know divorce is real. I meant that I refuse to ever get one and my fiance is the same way, we've talked about it. I think it's really sad that so many people resort to divorce instead of working on there problems together.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

(follow up to Marissa Claire)
...if he abuses your kids, becomes controlling, decides that what you want out of life doesn't matter because he is the head of the house....

and don't say he'd never do this.  Sane women don't go into marriage knowing that her husband will do any of this.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:77b5e494-0287-4dad-b399-9ddc524f33ca">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future mother in law hates me! : So you're going to stay with him is he has an affair?  If he develops a gambling problem?  If he hits you?  Divorce isn't always people giving up.  
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

Eye to eye Marissa, eye to eye

purplepeopleeater11

So, you and FI become two totally different people six years down the road and you're miserable being with him.

You're going to live the next ohhh...SIXTY YEARS being completely miserable because you've both changed so much but neither of you believe in divorce?

greenturtlelove

Of course there's always the possibiliy of serious issues like some of you mentioned, I would never stay with a person who was abusive to me or anyone else for that matter. I simply meant we discussed these options and it's sad the alot of people do get divorced over smaller things without trying to fix the problem. And I would like to think I could work past an affair, but I don't know because it's never happened to me before.

calindi

Not getting divorced does not ensure a happy marriage.

I won't sit here and tell you he's not "the one".  I won't sit here and tell you that you won't be happy together.  You both might be the exception to the rule, and that's fantastic!  I honestly wish every young couple the best of luck, because honestly you will need it.  What I will tell you is that you will have it a LOT harder if you get married now rather than waiting.  The statistics are against you, and that's for good reason.  Like many others, I can tell you that at 18 years old I was convinced my boyfriend at the time was my soul mate, that we'd finish college and get married right away.  Honestly, at 24 years old, I can't imagine still having him in my life.  We just don't work.  How much harder would that have been to find out if we were already married?

In regards to the "But if we know we're going to be together anyway, why wait? We'll grow together!  Mature together!" - read this (and click to read the article):

 "According to research at the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School, one of the clearest predictors of whether wedding vows will stick is the age of the people saying them. Take the '80s: a full 81% of college graduates who got hitched in that decade at age 26 or older were still married 20 years later. Only 65% of college grads who said I do before their 26th birthday made it that far. But just 49% of those who married young and did so without a degree lasted 20 years."

 

Look, if you were going in for an elective surgery and were told that having it today at age 20, it would carry the risk of a 51% mortality rate, but if you waited 6 years, it would only have a 29% mortality rate... I mean, no question, right?  If it's elective to begin with, there's no reason to do it RIGHT NOW, and waiting brings significant benefits.  The smart thing to do is wait.  If someone told you, "You know, I know Jane had that surgery at 18 years old, and she's still alive!  You'll be totally safe."  You'd think they were nuts!  You wouldn't go, "Oh, okay, if Jane's alive then I'm sure I'll be fine, so to heck with the statistics because I know that I will live, too!  Dying isn't an option!"

Or maybe you would... but I wouldn't!  Also, food for thought - divorce might be a choice, but the challenges you will go through getting married young can make for some unhappy transitions.  You might choose not to get divorced and still end up in an unhappy marriage because you rushed into things.

The Mel and Todd Show

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:bf4c2294-aefc-40d4-afd9-e0a6b1c9efb2">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to be mean, I'm not a child. And I don't **think** I love him I KNOW. Maybe saying "butt out" was the wrong wording and I'm sorry if it came off wrong.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

I knew the same exact thing about the guy I was dating when I was 19.  I knew it when I was 20, 21, and 22.  At 23, I married him.  At 25, I realized that at 19 I had been one person, and at 25 I was someone completely different...someone who had nothing in common with man I had married.  By 26, I was divorced. 

You need time to grow into who you are, and he needs time grow into who he will be.  I assure you, they will not be the same people you are right now.  Maybe the people that you grow into will be compatible, and maybe they won't be.  I'm not saying this as the 30 something who thinks that she knows it all, I'm saying this as the 19 year old who wishes someone would have said these things to her.  I know how awesome love feels at 18, but you can't bank on those butterflies forever. 

Please think about what you're doing.  I'm sorry, but I have two sons, and I would react the same way if one of them gave me this news at 18.  Your FMIL has a really valid concern here, and I think you and your FI need to think about what she is saying.  Forever is kind of a big deal. </div>

mkrupar

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:1683ca57-3747-4157-a6db-f3884b35b88a">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course there's always the possibiliy of serious issues like some of you mentioned, <strong>I would never stay with a person who was abusive to me or anyone else for that matter.</strong> I simply meant we discussed these options and it's sad the alot of people do get divorced over smaller things without trying to fix the problem. And I would like to think I could work past an affair, but I don't know because it's never happened to me before.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

So you admit that you would get divorced in those situations. Then why put yourself through a marriage right this instance if any one of those things could happen in the next 5-6 years? Are you even going to college? Have you ever lived on your own? Have you ever had to pay your own bills? (I'm guessing not if dad's forking over $10,000 for your dress alone). It sounds to me like you just want to have a pretty princess day and play house, not have a real marriage. You've only been with the guy 6 months! How do you even really know him? If i were his mom I would have cried to.

Edited: Why does my format keep centering :-( </div>

marissa_claire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:b81e718e-ef68-4c67-b9c1-85d4c06d1f92">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]Not getting divorced does not ensure a happy marriage. I won't sit here and tell you he's not "the one".  I won't sit here and tell you that you won't be happy together.  You both might be the exception to the rule, and that's fantastic!  I honestly wish every young couple the best of luck, because honestly you will need it.  What I will tell you is that you will have it a LOT harder if you get married now rather than waiting.  The statistics are against you, and that's for good reason.  Like many others, I can tell you that at 18 years old I was convinced my boyfriend at the time was my soul mate, that we'd finish college and get married right away.  Honestly, at 24 years old, I can't imagine still having him in my life.  We just don't work.  How much harder would that have been to find out if we were already married? In regards to the "But if we know we're going to be together anyway, why wait? We'll grow together!  Mature together!" - read this (and click to read the article):   "According to research at the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School, one of the clearest predictors of whether wedding vows will stick is the age of the people saying them. Take the '80s: a full 81% of college graduates who got hitched in that decade at age 26 or older were still married 20 years later. Only 65% of college grads who said I do before their 26th birthday made it that far. But just 49% of those who married young and did so without a degree lasted 20 years."   Look, if you were going in for an elective surgery and were told that having it today at age 20, it would carry the risk of a 51% mortality rate, but if you waited 6 years, it would only have a 29% mortality rate... I mean, no question, right?  If it's elective to begin with, there's no reason to do it RIGHT NOW, and waiting brings significant benefits.  The smart thing to do is wait.  If someone told you, "You know, I know Jane had that surgery at 18 years old, and she's still alive!  You'll be totally safe."  You'd think they were nuts!  You wouldn't go, "Oh, okay, if Jane's alive then I'm sure I'll be fine, so to heck with the statistics because I know that I will live, too!  Dying isn't an option!" Or maybe you would... but I wouldn't!  Also, food for thought - divorce might be a choice, but the challenges you will go through getting married young can make for some unhappy transitions.  <strong>You might choose not to get divorced and still end up in an unhappy marriage because you rushed into things.</strong>
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I actually think this is the reason so many parents caution their children NOT to get married so young these days.  I think a lot of people were married young (because that's how it was back then) and stayed with someone their whole life that they weren't all that happy with.  </div><div>
</div><div>Turtle, you might very well be in love and think it's forever.  But why not put the wedding part on the back burner?  I would suggest just enjoying your relationship for a while.  If you're not having kids soon, then there's really no reason to get married soon.  We're all trying to explain to you that the way you come off sounding in your posts is that your more concerned with having YOUR big day and wearing a beautiful dress than what this means in the long haul.</div><div>
</div><div>  I have always been extremely mature for my age, but I can tell you that at 18 I couldn't think much past what life might be like once college was finished.  And life after school is very different.  Life when you share finances and have to figure out who's mowing the yard is very different than where you currently are.  We are trying to tell you to take your time.  A lot of girls do exactly what you are proposing doing and live to regret it, we just don't want you to become a statistic.

</div>

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:bb251586-65f0-411e-bb73-cf57b7712b18">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future mother in law hates me! : So you admit that you would get divorced in those situations. Then why put yourself through a marriage right this instance if any one of those things could happen in the next 5-6 years? Are you even going to college? Have you ever lived on your own? Have you ever had to pay your own bills? (I'm guessing not if dad's forking over $10,000 for your dress alone). It sounds to me like you just want to have a pretty princess day and play house, not have a real marriage. You've only been with the guy 6 months! How do you even really know him? If i were his mom I would have cried to. <strong>Edited: Why does my format keep centering :-(
</strong>Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

<div align="left">Mine did this for the longest time.  One day it just stopped.  Then again, my knot account has always been screwy.  I can't send or receive PMs through it.</div>

mkrupar

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:0e5adebc-8393-4c75-91f0-13666d29014b">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future mother in law hates me! : Mine did this for the longest time.  One day it just stopped.  Then again, my knot account has always been screwy.  I can't send or receive PMs through it.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

Yeah it just started doing that the other day...at least it doesn't automatically turn my font pink. That would be way more annoying.</div>

greenturtlelove

We are waiting, just not 6 years. I think the part about comparing surgery to a marriage is a little drastic. If someone was going to hit me now or in 6 years I don't see how waiting would change that, you could be together for 20yrs before someone is abusive. I don't see how my fathers finances even comes into play here. I have a job and am saving for a house which is why I am still living at home. I pay my own bills (car/insurance/phone) and I understand that a house will have a ton more bills to pay. Just because my dad is generous with his money doesn't mean I don't pay for anything. I'm not going to try to convince complete strangers anything about me or my situation.

calindi

*headdesk* I'm not saying he'll be abusive - I don't think 51% of marriages for people around your age fail due to abuse.  Probably a small percentage, but not all or even most.  51% fail because people rush into things before they're capable of being independent and fully aware of their life goals and ambitions.  The average college student changes majors 3 times - and you think someone in that age group is capable of picking a spouse if they can't even confidently pick a career?

Living on your own is completely different than paying car/insurance/phone bills once a month.  It's a good start, and quite admirable for someone at 18 years old.  Living on your own with no help from your parents is a huge step.  At 22 years old, I paid most of my own bills and lived on my own, and I thought I was experienced in managing my money and paying bills.  Wrong!  Only once I moved in with my boyfriend and stopped accepting any financial help from my parents did I realize how to budget my money.  I can't even begin to explain to you how much more independent I've become even since 22 years old (I'm just about to turn 25).  Since I was 18?  Night and day! 

And it's important, because financial disagreements are the #1 cause of distress in marriages.  If you and your FI had an extra $500 bonus from work, how would you spend it?  How much would you save, what would you spend it on?  Seriously, things like that are VERY important!  At the least, if you won't wait to get married, be sure to take a lot of premarital classes and household financial management classes. 

jenmitens

I can understand meeting someone and just knowing.  I met my husband a month after I turned 19, and I knew.  We got married 7 years later.  Three years long distance for me to graduate college, two years after I moved to be closer to him(and jobs) - which we lived seperately( both of us had roommates) and THEN we moved in together. 5 years later.  Then we lived together for a little over a year before we got engaged.  Our philosophy was if it's going to be forever why rush it. 
It sounds like you have already made up your mind, and if that's the case nothing anyone says here or in person is going to make a lick of difference.  HOWEVER, part of being a grown up is learning from other people's mistakes, admitting when you are wrong, and listening to voices of reason. 

purplepeopleeater11

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:aa7c7467-7bb8-4c9a-8694-6eb0dfc8fe13">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]We are waiting, just not 6 years. I<strong> think the part about comparing surgery to a marriage is a little drastic.</strong> If someone was going to hit me now or in 6 years I don't see how waiting would change that, you could be together for 20yrs before someone is abusive. I don't see how my fathers finances even comes into play here. I have a job and am saving for a house which is why I am still living at home. I pay my own bills (car/insurance/phone) and I understand that a house will have a ton more bills to pay. Just because my dad is generous with his money doesn't mean I don't pay for anything. I'm not going to try to convince complete strangers anything about me or my situation.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

I thought it was a good comparison.

1. A surgery can be life changing.
2. A surgery is costly.
3. A surgery can only be corrected at more expense.
4. People regret having surgeries all the time, especially if they're young when they get them.

However, you have it in your mind that you know what's best.  So nothing any of us say, even though most of us have been in your shoes, is going to change your perception of what's realistic.  So, good luck but don't act surprised that your BF's mom is upset you're rushing into something.

Edit: For formatting. WHY DOES THIS KEEP CENTERING! </div>

calindi

Chill, everyone!  No one can see the centering except you.  Don't worry about it!  It makes me laugh, cuz people freak about it, but I have yet to see ONE centered post!

greenturtlelove

We are already taking classes together and plan to dit down with a financial planner. I'm a saver and would definitly put a $500 bonus in my savings account. I do appreciate the advice from those of you who have been through it, but everyone is different and I have made up my mind.

calindi

GreenTurtleLove, I'm not asking what YOU would do with the $500.  I'm asking if you and your FI are on the same page financially.  Does he pay bills?  Have either of you ever lived alone?

greenturtlelove

I said I know that the bills I have will increase when I get married, that's what a savings account is for. I wouldn't even buy a home unless I had a couple thousand put away for unexpeded expenditures.

purplepeopleeater11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:44410f8e-4a2d-4cf3-b562-6d2307e58bb7">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future mother in law hates me! : Too bad we don't have a crystal ball b/c I'd really like to see 18 months from now to see if you haven't changed it by then.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Ugh, wouldn't that be nice.

purplepeopleeater11

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:9c82a28e-204b-48a1-975f-1e92659e8da5">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I said I know that the bills I have will increase when I get married, that's what a savings account is for. I wouldn't even buy a home unless I had a couple thousand put away for unexpeded expenditures.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

A couple thousand?  Try at least a few months worth of living expenses saved. 

Do you have any idea how much it costs to repair a furnace?  A blown pipe?  A roof?</div>

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:9c82a28e-204b-48a1-975f-1e92659e8da5">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I said I know that the bills I have will increase when I get married, that's what a savings account is for. I wouldn't even buy a home unless I had a couple thousand put away for unexpeded expenditures.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]
<div align="left">
You shouldn't pay bills out of your savings.  And a couple thousand for unexpected home expenses is about 20% of what you may actually need.  A new roof alone can run $10,000. 

Just out of curiosity, are you planning on going to college?  Is your FI?</div>

marissa_claire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:ffdaf5e4-002f-4075-93f4-ad1362f0d7a4">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future mother in law hates me! : A couple thousand?  Try at least a few months worth of living expenses saved.  Do you have any idea how much it costs to repair a furnace?  A blown pipe?  A roof?
Posted by purplepeopleeater11[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Uh yeah.  We had a pipe burst the first week we moved into our house.  That was $4k.  That was after we'd put around $10k in new appliances.  

</div>

greenturtlelove

Sorry I mis-understood the question about the $500, we are pretty much on the same page about money, he's been living alone for only a few months now so if an extra $500 came his way he would pay bills with it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:bf4c2294-aefc-40d4-afd9-e0a6b1c9efb2">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to be mean, I'm not a child. And I don't **think** I love him I KNOW. Maybe saying "butt out" was the wrong wording and I'm sorry if it came off wrong.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

And what we're saying is that you CAN'T really know, not at 18.

But hey, if you guys are still together in 4, 6, 8 years, then go for it. I don't know why you need to be ENGAGED now. Planning on spending the rest of your lives together? Sure! But why not move in together, finish your education and work on just having a relationship rather than the added pressure of a wedding? You have all the time in world to get married. Hell, my husband is twice your age and JUST got married this year. Trust me, you'll have a much better, nicer wedding at 25 or 27 than you will at 20.

And honestly, I question your parents' judgement if they're throwing money at a wedding for 2 18 year olds. Have you TALKED to them yet? Did they offer to pay for everything?

greenturtlelove

I have seperate savings accounts set-up for bill paying and a seperate one that is strictly savings, and I don't even know if we can afford to buy a house right away we might end up renting.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:9808b38f-4159-43c1-bd74-f3630ce7d447">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I have seperate savings accounts set-up for bill paying</strong>and a seperate one that is strictly savings, and I don't even know if we can afford to buy a house right away we might end up renting.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

This would be a checking account.  It would make no sense to set up two separate savings accounts like you are describing.

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:a1f2e583-4e1d-4f77-b9ce-c33af3eb9677">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]Chill, everyone!  No one can see the centering except you.  Don't worry about it!  It makes me laugh, cuz people freak about it, but I have yet to see ONE centered post!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
<div align="center">
How about now?? MUHAHAHAHA

OP- Do your thang, us old engaged/married hags don't know anything. We were born crotchety old hags and that's probably why we aren't getting married as soon as you are. We're just jealous...yea, that's it. ::side eye::

FWIW- I'm engaged to the guy I was dating at 17. We've been together for 6 years and will probably get married around the 8 year mark. However, I beileve that I would have regretted marrying so young. Why not make it easier on you in the long run and wait until you're able to financially support yourself? If he really is your one true lurve, he'll be there in 5 years too.</div>

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:934f1aa2-1194-4416-9fd6-0be11bc3dac8">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry I mis-understood the question about the $500, we are pretty much on the same page about money, he's been living alone for only a few months now so if an extra $500 came his way he would pay bills with it.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

Okay, I see we're at Square 1 with finances.

First, you DO NOT pay bills out of savings or unexpected income.  You need to make sure your expenses do not exceed your income - bills need to be paid regularly and that amount of money needs to be set aside on a regular basis.  Even without owning a home, it's smart to have 2-3 months of income saved up for emergency money in case you lose your job or your car breaks.

Typically, your household expenses (rent or mortgage) shouldn't be more than 30% of your income.  Less, if you hope to have any savings.  There are some great websites that can help you figure out how much you should spend on what aspects of your life, just google it.  If you never eat out and only cook at home, you can expect to spend about $400/month for both of you on groceries.  And that's not with fancy lobster and filet mignon - that's chicken and pasta and basic ingredients.  Then electricity can be a nasty surprise - we pay around $300/month in electricity down here.  Water is another $30, plus $25 for trash.  Then we only have very basic cable and internet, so we spend $60/month on that.  We also own our cars, so we don't have to pay for car payments, but that would be another $100-200/month each if we did.

All together, we live a rather average livestyle, and I spend $700/month on rent (that varies greatly depending on where you live) and then another $400/month on bills, not including any credit card expenses I rack up (and I never carry a balance on my credit card - that's an easy trap to get in debt quick).  That's every single month, without fail.  Can you reasonably put aside $1300 per month on expenses without tapping into savings?  If not, then you aren't ready to live alone, let alone get married.

For us, we have the same priorities with money.  This is something couples of any age can completely underestimate.  How much do you spend on things for yourself - makeup, clothing, going to the movies, eating out, waxing, manicures, etc.?  Once you're married, the choice on where the extra money after bills is spent is mutual.  Will your manicures use the money you both would have spent to go out to dinner together?

Sure, you can allott a certain amount to use individually, and that's great.  But you NEED a system, and to be on the same page.  For us, we own a $25 television set that we bought off Craigslist because it's not important to either of us.  We also just spent several thousand dollars on a trip to Europe.  It's about priorities.  If he were the type of person to buy the newest Apple product every time it came out, that wouldn't work for me.  Would your FI buy a new television while you want to buy a new purse?  Those are an example of the types of things you need to understand how you will address and compromise on.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:934f1aa2-1194-4416-9fd6-0be11bc3dac8">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry I mis-understood the question about the $500, we are pretty much on the same page about money, he's been living alone for only a few months now so if an extra $500 came his way he would pay bills with it.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

Well, he really shouldn't be counting on an unexpected bonus to PAY BILLS. Those should be paid out of his normals earnings and factored into his budget.

Also, you said you'd save it, but he would spend it. When you're married (or even living together) you need to make financial decisions TOGETHER.

aerinpegadrak

My best friend in high school was married at 18.  I lost touch with her when I went to college.  We reconnected on Facebook, at age 24.  She's divorced now.  She was really in love with the guy, and they were a happy enough couple, but it is what it is.  She doesn't really regret it because it got her out of her parents' house, but she's certainly happier without him.  Another good friend met her husband when she was 16.  They were just married last June, at age 27.  In the meantime, they went to college, lived apart, even broke up for a little while.  I'm pretty confident that they're in it for the long haul.

I'm not surprised that you're refusing to listen to anyone.  Sometimes the baby isn't going to heed your warning that the stove is hot, and they'll only learn once they've burned themselves.  So you're engaged.  That's fine.  Mazel tov.  But 1) you can't expect people to be excited about it, 2) you can't expect people to even like the idea, and 3) you really shouldn't get up to your eyeballs in wedding planning right now.  It does not take two full years to plan a wedding.  (And I had a two-year engagement.)  Relax.  Enjoy being engaged.  Take this and any other wedding sites out of your bookmarks.  Get to know the guy a little better.  Find time to talk about the big issues, like children, religion, money, careers, life goals, etc.  Then, maybe 14 months out or so, come back and start to make plans for the party.

But I don't think you'll be back.  Sorry, toots, but the odds are against you, and the smart money is not on you being a married woman come 7/15/2012.