Moms and Maids

old lady dresses?

My mom and I have been shopping for her dress and everything she likes IMO looks like the dresses my grandmothers wore in 1980. Mom is 49, not old at all. She isn't the thinest person but neither is she really fat. She hates what I like because I want her to look nice and modern and not like an '70s-'80s flashack. She says what I pick is "slutty." My favorite was a short sleeved, long dress 2 piece outfit wih a matching jacket. It hardly showed any skin at all. It was figure flattering and she looked great in it. Everything he picks looks like something that Mama Cass wore. Should I just let her wear what she wants and look old and fat or insist on something more modern?
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Re: old lady dresses?

  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to old lady dresses?:
    My mom and I have been shopping for her dress and everything she likes IMO looks like the dresses my grandmothers wore in 1980. Mom is 49, not old at all. She isn't the thinest person but neither is she really fat. She hates what I like because I want her to look nice and modern and not like an '70s-'80s flashack. She says what I pick is "slutty." My favorite was a short sleeved, long dress 2 piece outfit wih a matching jacket. It hardly showed any skin at all. It was figure flattering and she looked great in it. Everything he picks looks like something that Mama Cass wore. Should I just let her wear what she wants and look old and fat or insist on something more modern?
    Posted by KitkatShadowSquirtsMom
    Well, that's a lovely thing to say about your mother.  She's an adult and has been dressing herself for a lot longer than you've been around.  Let her wear whatever makes her feel comfortable.  She's not going to enjoy your wedding at all if she's self-conscious about what she's wearing, and that's a terrible position to put her in.
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  • trix1223trix1223
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to old lady dresses?:
    My mom and I have been shopping for her dress and everything she likes IMO looks like the dresses my grandmothers wore in 1980. Mom is 49, not old at all. She isn't the thinest person but neither is she really fat. She hates what I like because I want her to look nice and modern and not like an '70s-'80s flashack. She says what I pick is "slutty." My favorite was a short sleeved, long dress 2 piece outfit wih a matching jacket. It hardly showed any skin at all. It was figure flattering and she looked great in it. Everything he picks looks like something that Mama Cass wore. Should I just let her wear what she wants and look old and fat or insist on something more modern?
    Posted by KitkatShadowSquirtsMom
    Your mother has been dressing herself since well before you were born.  She knows what styles she likes and what she feels comfortable.  You get to choose your dress, she gets to choose hers.  This is not at all your decision.

    Your conversation with your mom should be exactly the ones my wonderful DIL and adored DD had with me about their weddings:

    ME:  What you do want me to wear for your wedding?
    DIL:  Whatever you feel beautiful and comfortable in.

    OR
    ME:   I think I found my dress for your wedding.
    DD:  DId you buy it?
    ME:  No.  I thought you might want to see it first.
    DD:  Mom.  If you love it, then it's perfect.  Go back and get it.

    Let your mother wear what she wants.

    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
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    edited December 2011
    You get to choose the dresses for your wedding party, only. The MOB and MOG get to choose the style, color and length of their dresses. They are not part of the wedding party.

    Please re-read the description you gave of your mom. Does that sound nice?
                
  • edited December 2011
    I just worry she will look at herself iwhen the pictures come in and not like what she sees and regret wearing what she does. She doesn't see herself as others do. She claims she's an old lady, AND SHE'S NOT. She claims she's fat AND SHE"S NOT. I'm trying to show her hoe amazing she looks in other things and IMPROVE her self esteem. As far as my words, I have no regrets. I am alunt person who tells it like it is. I don't sugar coat or b.s.
  • ekilzer1ekilzer1
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    edited December 2011
    Let your Mom wear whatever she feels comfortable in!!! 

    What I would pick for my Mom and what she would pick for herself is completely different too- but at the end of the day she is the one that is wearing it!!! I encourage her to think outside the box and try on things she normally wouldn't because she might surprise herself. But would I force her to buy something just because I thought it was fabulous and she hated it? NO! 

    Honestly- "insisting" that you Mom does anything and calling her fat makes you sound like Bridezilla. Glad to see you have respect for the woman that raised you. 
  • mkruparmkrupar
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: old lady dresses?:
    I just worry she will look at herself iwhen the pictures come in and not like what she sees and regret wearing what she does. She doesn't see herself as others do. She claims she's an old lady, AND SHE'S NOT. She claims she's fat AND SHE"S NOT. I'm trying to show her hoe amazing she looks in other things and IMPROVE her self esteem. As far as my words, I have no regrets. I am alunt person who tells it like it is. I don't sugar coat or b.s.
    Posted by KitkatShadowSquirtsMom
    So did you tell your mother to her face that she looks old or fat? If my child said that to me I would probably smack the stupid out of them (PSA:This is just a saying. This is not advocating child abuse).

    Let your mother wear what she feels comfrotable in. if she bends to your request and wears something she's not comfortable in it will show. In her posture, on her face, in her attitude. You don't want your mother stressed out on your wedding day because she's not comfortable in what she's wearing.

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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak
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    edited December 2011
    Your wedding is not the time to try to shove some therapy down her throat.  If she has body image issues, she's not going to magically get over them because you do some Hollywood-style makeover.  Instead, she's going to be uncomfortable and embarassed because her daughter forced her into an outfit that she already said she found inappropriate.  And pretty much all she'll remember about her daughter's wedding is how much she hated her outfit.

    It's not up to you what she wears.  Treat her like an adult.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • jagore08jagore08
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    edited December 2011
    I didn't exactly like what my mom wore but she's a big girl and can dress herself.  She liked it and felt comfortable and in the end that's what mattered.  
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  • garcias1garcias1
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    edited December 2011
    Ditto PPs, let her wear what she's comfortable with.  You can take pictures of her in some dresses so she can see how they photograph.  That may help her make her decision.  But again, it's up to her.
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  • edited December 2011
    Maybe you should rent-a-mom for the night and tell yours to stay home.

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  • edited December 2011
    woooow. I would never think about telling my mom what to wear on my wedding day. All I want her is to be comfortable and happy. If we both like the dress, so be it but ultimately I want her to be happy in it like ultimately she wants me to be happy in my dress. 

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  • trix1223trix1223
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    edited December 2011
    My mom died 3 weeks before DD's wedding.  She would have given anything to have her grandma with her, and that includes in pajamas and slippers if that's what it took. 

    Your comments were not blunt, they were cruel.  You sound short sighted and self-centered.  You are valuing form over substance, and that is very, very sad.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011

    Fashion and body image are very personal choices and feelings.  It isn't your call and you run the risk of hurting her.  Is that your goal here?

    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • pretzelgrrlpretzelgrrl
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    edited December 2011
    I think it is coming out wrong...I think what OP might be saying is mom is choosing clothes that make her look older and bigger then she is.  I kind of know what you mean..I would never tell my mom what to wear on my wedding day but I will be shopping with her and helping her choose something that is flattering (like she did with my wedding dress) because she sometimes thinks she can't pull of modern styles.  I agree with Retread's advice.
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  • tidetraveltidetravel
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    edited December 2011
    OP - where have you been shopping?  Most of the traditional "MOB" dresses sold in bridal salons do look kind of frumpy, at least to me.  If you haven't done so, suggest she shop at a regular department store that sells formal dresses/pantsuits.  You may have a better chance of finding something flattering and modern at the same time.  Ultimately, though the dress should be her decision, based on what she feels comfortable wearing. 
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  • edited December 2011
    I don't think OP is calling her mom "old and fat."  I agree with some of the more recent PPs...the impression I get also is that she has in her mind what she should wear as MOB.  Maybe trying department stores and regular clothing retailers rather than bridal salons (where they do push older-looking attire for MOB) would be helpful.  However, if her mom likes this style of dress, then as long as she is comfortable in it, OP shouldn't try to criticize or make her feel bad about it.
  • mstar284mstar284
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    edited December 2011
    jeezus!!! Are you for real? I feel sorry for your mom. And WTF about Grandma getting married in 1980...how old are you? You aren't acting very mature for a lady about to be a wife. Good lord!

    And BTW. My mother kindly asked for my opinion. We went shopping together. She looked beautiful in everything. 62 and fabulous. And I would NEVER force her into something she felt ugly or uncomfortable wearing. How awful would that be? Don't you want her to be happy? I'm sure she's happy and supportive of you, so cut her some slack and start showing some love and respect!

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  • vicki0508vicki0508
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    edited December 2011
    If your mom is trying on MOB dresses because that's what the bridal salons are selling as "MOB dresses" then yes, she will look frumpy.  Honestly, I don't know how those became the standard, because most of them look ridiculous.  But, if that's what she's into, and those dresses make her feel beautiful, then let her wear those types of clothes.

    Let her go shopping on her own and just pick something she feels comfortable wearing, it's a bonus if it's something she can wear again.  For instance, my mom is getting a new little black dress to wear to my wedding, and she's super pumped about it.
  • edited December 2011
    Wow, I read the OP thinking "is this for real?"  

    I don't often love the dressy outfits my mom chooses to wear, but it's her choice of fashion.  I have my own choice of fashion.  Rarely between the two do they meet.  So, I don't think it's likely I'll love what she chooses to wear personally, but if she feels beautiful in it and she feels like it is appropriate for the wedding, then I"m not saying anything.  I did encourage her to try to buy a new dress, though, because the one she's talking about wearing she wore 6 years ago to my brother's wedding... and sometimes it's nice to have new clothes... 

    If you want to be blunt, that's great, a lot of people on the message boards are... but just remember that she is your mom and you can probably find a nice way to say what you're trying to say beyond telling her "that dress makes you look old and fat." 

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  • Kristin789Kristin789
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    >>where have you been shopping?  Most of the traditional "MOB" dresses sold in bridal salons do look kind of frumpy, at least to me.  If you haven't done so, suggest she shop at a regular department store that sells formal dresses/pantsuits.

    Yeah, this.  Go to a regular department store and look in fancy dresses and cocktail dresses.

    And your mom might be far more sensitive than you to the religious requirements for dressing for the church ceremony.  Sure, today some people show up to church ceremonies in shorts, sundresses, slutty wear, and whatever they slept in.  But your mom doesn't want to look slutty.
  • edited December 2011
    Maybe some of y'all think inside the box too much and read too much into words instead of fully grasping the concept. I have never  told my mom is is fat or old. Why? Because SHE IS NOT! We have one of those relationships where we both tell it like it is. If my mom asks (and she has many times) is something makes her look old/fat/bloated/pale or simply donesn't look right I'm going to give her my honest opinion. Why? 1. Because I would want her to be as honest with me, and 2. I'm not a good liar. She will know I'm b.sing and call me out on it. It's all right now but it sucked when I was a teenager out past curfew. I will let her choose, I never said I wasn't. She wants my help and I'm giving it. . We are pretty tough and can handle honesty. My mom is too beautiful and should not try and hide it, which is what she's doing. I think it's mostly a phase. She has ENS and she's going through the change. I'm not thin in the slightest and I love my curves but when I tried on a short wedding dress my mom gave me one of those looks and would have tried to set the dress on fire the Clark Kent way if she could. She said I looked "stumpy" and "wide." Did I get upset? No. I did like the dress but if I had not taken her advice I never would have found my dream dress. We are holding out for hers still and because we recently lost 2 major department stores we are having to expand our shopping into other towns. The selection in my town now is less than hal of what it was 2 years ago and it stinks. I appreciate all the ummm... help I've gotten here. But don't be so quick to judge. I'm not cruel, just honest. It's quite obvious some of y'all can't understand that.
  • edited December 2011

    Oh yeah, I forgot. I should clariify 2 thing: I don't regret my words in the original post but when I said that on the second it sounded like I meant for it to sound  "cruel", "mean" "bridezilla"ish, (all quotes from other posters) which is certainly not the case. Thank you to the people that looked between the words and figured out by yourselves what I meant instead of assuming the worst.

    And, I was reffering to my mom's grandmoher's dress in the '80s. My mom and dad were married in 1981 and the dress my g-gma was the one I was talking aboutt, Even she says now, at age 90, "what was I thinking?" whenever she sees herself in a photo wearing that dress.  

  • edited December 2011
    II'll try to dumb this down some more. You can feel self-consious and still be honest, believe it or not. She asks my opinion, I give it. She say "ok." She either takes it or leaves it. End of story. And you may think they are barbs and perhaps to more sensitive people they are but why do you care? They are not directed at you. I don't think of them as barbs at all. A barb is meant to hurt and we don't get hurt feelings easily, especially from each other. Our comments aren't meant to hurt and we know it. Her self-esteem issues come from HER. It's like you're saying it's a contradiction to think "I don't like this outfit" and  think "Wow... my daughter looks great in that!" or "That dress makes her look wide." What she feels about herself right now doesn't change her opinons about others and why should it? I don't see any contradiction here but then again I'm not an ousider and see this in action almost every day.
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak
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    edited December 2011
    Sorry, I think you got lost on your way to the psychic hotline.  They're the ones who will know your entire, impossibly nuanced backstory without having to be told.  For the rest of us, if you didn't think it was relevant enough information to communicate in the first post, that's on you, sweetcakes.

    And I'm kind of wondering what you would consider to be rude, since you think your appalling behavior here is perfectly acceptable.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: old lady dresses?:
    Maybe some of y'all think inside the box too much and read too much into words instead of fully grasping the concept. I have never  told my mom is is fat or old. Why? Because SHE IS NOT! We have one of those relationships where we both tell it like it is. If my mom asks (and she has many times) is something makes her look old/fat/bloated/pale or simply donesn't look right I'm going to give her my honest opinion. Why? 1. Because I would want her to be as honest with me, and 2. I'm not a good liar. She will know I'm b.sing and call me out on it. It's all right now but it sucked when I was a teenager out past curfew. I will let her choose, I never said I wasn't. She wants my help and I'm giving it. . We are pretty tough and can handle honesty. My mom is too beautiful and should not try and hide it, which is what she's doing. I think it's mostly a phase. She has ENS and she's going through the change. I'm not thin in the slightest and I love my curves but when I tried on a short wedding dress my mom gave me one of those looks and would have tried to set the dress on fire the Clark Kent way if she could. She said I looked "stumpy" and "wide." Did I get upset? No. I did like the dress but if I had not taken her advice I never would have found my dream dress. We are holding out for hers still and because we recently lost 2 major department stores we are having to expand our shopping into other towns. The selection in my town now is less than hal of what it was 2 years ago and it stinks. I appreciate all the ummm... help I've gotten here. But don't be so quick to judge. I'm not cruel, just honest. It's quite obvious some of y'all can't understand that.
    Posted by KitkatShadowSquirtsMom
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: old lady dresses?:
    Oh yeah, I forgot. I should clariify 2 thing: I don't regret my words in the original post but when I said that on the second it sounded like I meant for it to sound  "cruel", "mean" "bridezilla"ish, (all quotes from other posters) which is certainly not the case. Thank you to the people that looked between the words and figured out by yourselves what I meant instead of assuming the worst. And, I was reffering to my mom's grandmoher's dress in the '80s. My mom and dad were married in 1981 and the dress my g-gma was the one I was talking aboutt, Even she says now, at age 90, "what was I thinking?" whenever she sees herself in a photo wearing that dress.  
    Posted by KitkatShadowSquirtsMom
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: old lady dresses?:
    II'll try to dumb this down some more. You can feel self-consious and still be honest, believe it or not. She asks my opinion, I give it. She say "ok." She either takes it or leaves it. End of story. And you may think they are barbs and perhaps to more sensitive people they are but why do you care? They are not directed at you. I don't think of them as barbs at all. A barb is meant to hurt and we don't get hurt feelings easily, especially from each other. Our comments aren't meant to hurt and we know it. Her self-esteem issues come from HER. It's like you're saying it's a contradiction to think "I don't like this outfit" and  think "Wow... my daughter looks great in that!" or "That dress makes her look wide." What she feels about herself right now doesn't change her opinons about others and why should it? I don't see any contradiction here but then again I'm not an ousider and see this in action almost every day.
    Posted by KitkatShadowSquirtsMom
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited December 2011
    Hi~~you have a private message.......
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: old lady dresses?:
    My mom is too beautiful and should not try and hide it.
    Posted by KitkatShadowSquirtsMom
    You and your mom could be different, but even if we want honesty, most of us usually want a little tact. Why couldn't you say something like you said above. "Mom, i really don't think that flatters your figure very well, I think you have a great body, let's find something that works with it."
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination
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    edited December 2011
    I reread the OP's posts and I don't see where she called her mom old and fat, but I do see where she said her mom called herself old and fat. OP was just sharing her words.  I think probably Mom is getting upset with seeing her body age and change, and isn't really sure what she's supposed to be doing to dress herself anymore, as some of the old rules may not be working.  Or she thinks that her age dictates she dress and act a certain way, when that's not the case.  I think OP's heart is in the right place because she wants her mom to look beautiful and her best that day, but Mom isn't seeing things the same way. 

    (Bluntness aside... there is such a thing as being too blunt. Sometimes it's a fine line.)

    Ultimately you need to let her wear what she wants, and suck it up.  If she regrets what she looks like in the pictures, then she will have to deal with that.  I do agree with the selections at bridal shops for moms - too often it's Frump City, population everyone.   My mom was horrified by the options she found for my sister's wedding, even at the most upscale shops (she has a very elegant, classic style).  She found a chic cocktail suit at a department store (on a great sale) that was perfect.  I would go shopping there definitely, but still let her pick out what she wants.  And tell her she looks wonderful when she does.
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