BridesMAIDzilla???

cepps228

Ok, so here's a little backstory:

I've been good friends with my BM for a few months. I know it doesn't seem like a long time but we've been hanging out regularly and we just sort of had an instant "connection," like we'd known each other all of our lives. I haven't been living in this town very long, and I'm far away from all of my friends and family. She's pretty much the only friend I've had out here. Her bf is going to be the Best Man, as he's my FIs best friend and the four of us hang out together a lot. (We are living in the town my FI grew up in. His dad passed and left him the house, so we moved.) My FI actually was the one who told me I should make her a bridesmaid since she's been a good friend to me and it would be mean not to since she's a part of my almost-daily life. Sounded reasonable, right?

Well, flash forward to 44 DAYS before my wedding. Here's a run down of everything that's happening:

1) She has a LOT of body image issues and expects me to accomodate them. I was originally willing to because she and another BM have similar issues and I figured since they both had the same needs it would be easy to take care of. And for my other BM (and future SIL) it was.

2) She said she hates wearing dresses, so I tried to offer her a really pretty outfit with flowy chiffon pants and a satin top. She said she didn't want to wear pants if no one else was because she would stand out, and she doesn't want that.

3) She said she's not sure she feels comfortable having to walk down the aisle and be the "center of attention." Or stand in the front and be the "center of attention."

4) She has yet to order her dress when the rest of the wedding party is having theirs delivered already. I told her she won't have time to make alterations and she has yet to do anything about it.

5) She complains to my FI and to the best man about me "calling constantly" when I really need her to get it together since it's crunch time and I'm getting married really soon! I called her boyfriend over something unrelated, and I heard her talking in the background so I asked him if I could talk to her. She then went to my FI and told him I need to stop "calling her bfs phone to talk to her," as though I've done it multiple times! IT HAPPENED ONCE AND MY OTHER BM WAS THERE. The day we went dress shopping and ordered the dresses, in fact. It was, in my opinion, of the utmost importance, and she was acting like I was bugging her over something trivial. It's not trivial, it's my WEDDING. Also, she thinks I'm calling too much and I'm "smothering her." When she told me that she was sad because she didn't have many friends and wanted people to hang out with.

6) Ok, so by now you're probably wondering what the question is, and why I haven't booted her out of the wedding already. Well, it's because she "Does want to be part of it," and she's very emotionally fragile and I don't want to hurt her. Partly because I don't want to be mean, and partly because I'm afraid of her reaction.

So I guess what I'm asking is does anyone know a way to let her down gently? I still love her and care about her and want us to make our friendship work (because I'm the type of person that once I'm a friend, I'm a lifelong friend) but I really just can't deal with this anymore. She refuses to do anything that she needs to do and she's holding back the rest of the wedding party.

Any suggestions?

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaidzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb7498ec-e84c-41b4-a4f4-b49f33eac5c9Post:379557cc-f2ac-464f-8743-0dfa286dd5b3">BridesMAIDzilla???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so here's a little backstory: I've been good friends with my BM for a few months. I know it doesn't seem like a long time but we've been hanging out regularly and we just sort of had an instant "connection," like we'd known each other all of our lives. I haven't been living in this town very long, and I'm far away from all of my friends and family. She's pretty much the only friend I've had out here. Her bf is going to be the Best Man, as he's my FIs best friend and the four of us hang out together a lot. (We are living in the town my FI grew up in. His dad passed and left him the house, so we moved.) My FI actually was the one who told me I should make her a bridesmaid since she's been a good friend to me and it would be mean not to since she's a part of my almost-daily life. Sounded reasonable, right? Well, flash forward to 44 DAYS before my wedding. Here's a run down of everything that's happening: 1) She has a LOT of body image issues and expects me to accomodate them. I was originally willing to because she and another BM have similar issues and I figured since they both had the same needs it would be easy to take care of. And for my other BM (and future SIL) it was. 2) She said she hates wearing dresses, so I tried to offer her a really pretty outfit with flowy chiffon pants and a satin top. She said she didn't want to wear pants if no one else was because she would stand out, and she doesn't want that. 3) She said she's not sure she feels comfortable having to walk down the aisle and be the "center of attention." Or stand in the front and be the "center of attention." 4) She has yet to order her dress when the rest of the wedding party is having theirs delivered already. I told her she won't have time to make alterations and she has yet to do anything about it. 5) She complains to my FI and to the best man about me "calling constantly" when I really need her to get it together since it's crunch time and I'm getting married really soon! I called her boyfriend over something unrelated, and I heard her talking in the background so I asked him if I could talk to her. She then went to my FI and told him I need to stop "calling her bfs phone to talk to her," as though I've done it multiple times! IT HAPPENED ONCE AND MY OTHER BM WAS THERE. The day we went dress shopping and ordered the dresses, in fact. It was, in my opinion, of the utmost importance, and she was acting like I was bugging her over something trivial. It's not trivial, it's my WEDDING. Also, she thinks I'm calling too much and I'm "smothering her." When she told me that she was sad because she didn't have many friends and wanted people to hang out with. 6) Ok, so by now you're probably wondering what the question is, and why I haven't booted her out of the wedding already. Well, it's because she "Does want to be part of it," and she's very emotionally fragile and I don't want to hurt her. Partly because I don't want to be mean, and partly because I'm afraid of her reaction. So I guess what I'm asking is does anyone know a way to let her down gently? I still love her and care about her and want us to make our friendship work (because I'm the type of person that once I'm a friend, I'm a lifelong friend) but I really just can't deal with this anymore. She refuses to do anything that she needs to do and she's holding back the rest of the wedding party. Any suggestions?
Posted by cepps228[/QUOTE]<div>
Since you didn't really mention it straight out, but by the sounds of it you are letting them choose their own attire but with certain restrictions ex.color. Personally, I would call the store, ask them the last day to order with and without rush fees. Then call her and relay what the store told you for order dates and let her deal with her own attire. If she doesn't get her dress or pant suit, she has taken herself out of the WP and you have no mess on your hands.</div><div>
</div><div>I would try to make the effort in reassuring her that no one really pays THAT much attention on BMs or the attire they wear. As long as it is cohesive, no one cares and at most she will be looked at for 10 seconds because people go on to look at the next person. As for the ceremony, the guests with be looking at the Bride, Groom, and Officiate for pretty much 99% of the time. I don't know what kind of ceremony you are having but many weddings I have been in and to the WP sits down for the majority of the ceremony.</div><div>
</div><div>To me, she sounds like she has a lot of anxiety issues and is probably sabotaging herself in being argumentative about the attire so that some how she gets herself out of the WP. I would try to do a heart to heart explaining that she won't be seen for more than 10 seconds, give her the last date to order her attire, and then let it be. If she doesn't order her attire by the date, she has taken herself out. Definitely do not boot her, specially if she is fragile, I can guarantee you will lose the friendship if you do.</div>

Muffin'sMom

What they said...then you are not the bad guy.  Don't talk about the wedding with her.  Go back to just being the four of you doing what you do.  You and the rest of your wedding party can go on without her input...the world will not end.  The goal is to not hurt her, and save your own sanity at the same time.

StephieBow

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaidzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb7498ec-e84c-41b4-a4f4-b49f33eac5c9Post:9ccc6c83-da34-4575-9139-26c74f1a2d39">Re: BridesMAIDzilla???</a>:
[QUOTE]Great advice, Autumn. Listen to her. Don't boot her out. Give her a date to order her attire by. If she doesn't order it by then, she is out by default. And you don't look bad.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Ditto

peanutty2

I too ditto everything AutumnFair said.

cepps228

I came up with something else lol. Since my FI is the one who is insisting on her being in the wedding, I've told her to wear her black dress pants and just get a purple satin shirt for the wedding and she can stand with the groom. She's happier with that idea, my FI is fine with it, and everybody wins! She's still kind of annoying though, lol. Just needed to vent!!!!! Thanks, ladies!

AutumnFair

Glad it all worked out. If you mentioned that she was a friend of your FI's we would have advise her to be a groomswoman as an option also. Hopefully, no more problems will arise.

cepps228

Me too. And now if she gets snarky she's his problem not mine. Not a very gracious approch, but he's much better at being straight with people then I am. I'm honest, but I often word things in a way that soften the blow. He just straight up tells people to f-off if he doesn't like the way they do things lol. Especially since it's HIS day lol.

Jennifer&Nate

It's kinda funny to me that she's super worried about looking different (pants vs. dress) but she's willing to be the only girl on the guy side. haha! But you're a good friend for helping her through.