Moms and Maids

BM gets the boot...

I just asked a bm to step down. I feel absolutely terrible about it but really feel like it is what needed to happen. I asked this friend to be in the wedding when we worked together and saw each other every day. Soon after that, she left the job and I almost never saw her anymore. We have gone weeks and weeks at a time without talking. I call and text and leave messages and would hear nothing. This was all just before her wedding, which I was a BM in.

I moved out of state during her engagement and traveled cross states to plan her shower and attend events, including the wedding of course. Anytime I talked about my wedding, she was completely disinterested. I bought my gown and she didn't ask anything about it and has never seen a picture. Yet she expected me to be very interested in her wedding, and I was. Outside of the wedding things, she would blow me off all the time when we still lived in the same area. we would plan something for Friday and she would ask for it to be moved to Saturday morning. I wouldn't hear from her til Sat night then she would say Sunday. Sunday would come and she would cancel.It isn't that she didn't want to see me, she's just really really flighty. 

Well after her wedding I figured now she would be able to think about mine a little. All my other BMs bought their dresses in June and in August I told her she needed to get it within a week because it takes 10-12 weeks to deliver. She didn't. She gave my mother her availability for a shower but then when one was planned (based on her availability), she said she can't come. I had a BM get together and she couldn't come to that either (to be fair, remember we live a state apart). 

Well I confronted her in August and said I wasn't happy with how things are going. I said she needed to get her dress right away. My MIL is throwing me a shower and I asked her to attend this since she cannot make my mother's shower. She said she would. In two weeks she said she couldn't because she didn't want to drive that far. I suggested she car pool with another BM in her area and she said "we'll see". 

I also feel like she just isn't happy for me to be getting married. Her marriage is not going well and I feel like she is jaded by it. She asked me how the FI and I are and when I say things are great, she brings up old issues between us.

Well I just never heard from her since and to my knowledge she hadn't bought a dress. I decided to add another BM (regardless of what was going on w this one). My FI, mom, and BMs all suggested I ask the friend to step down bc of everything going on.  I did decide to do so since since she can't attend anything, hasn't helped with anything despite getting emails from all the other BMs, and  she is so undependable.....Well I talked to her and she had apparently just bought the dress a couple of days ago. She said she has always intended to go to the shower from my MIL. I stayed firm and said I feel like I can't depend on her because she has proven this SO many times before.

She doesn't see what she did wrong and thinks the new BM is a replacement. She doesn't see any issue with anything she has done and made promises to do all sorts of things (just like she has before and broken). I just honestly don't even feel confident she would show up at the wedding.

I know to debridesmaid someone is one of the worst things a bride can do but was I completely wrong? I feel like the friendship has been strained for a while and Ihonestly, this has been my biggest wedding stressor.

So mostly my question is....where do I go from here? The friend is of course very upset. She thinks the new BM is a replacement. How do I try to maintain the friendship? Please, please be considerate with me and understand this was an extremely extremely difficult decision I made that I did not take lightly.

Re: BM gets the boot...

  • kaitlyn&henrykaitlyn&henry member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, I think you made the decision to stop trying to maintain the friendship when you asked her to step down. (Making the decision to stop is not the bad thing...sometimes friendships end) Asking her to not be a BM obviously gets a lot of ppl saying no and im sure you will get many responses here saying you were wrong. I say it wasnt wrong but it wasnt right...it just is a bad position to be in that may or may not have been preventable. 

     I can understand why you did it...especially since she never purchased a dress--IMO if the BM doesnt buy their dress then they cant be a bM. BUT with that said, the decision has been made and i think because you finally got some reaction out of her you feel bad now and may be second guessing...again if she was that bad that you asked her to step down, part ways with her and call it a day.

    good luck! 


  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-gets-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f27e87f1-674d-4b8b-939a-03c88551d93aPost:5b4569d8-93ca-471f-b1df-0573445efc1a">BM gets the boot...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just asked a bm to step down. I feel absolutely terrible about it but really feel like it is what needed to happen. I asked this friend to be in the wedding when we worked together and saw each other every day. Soon after that, she left the job and I almost never saw her anymore. We have gone weeks and weeks at a time without talking. I call and text and leave messages and would hear nothing. This was all just before her wedding, which I was a BM in. I moved out of state during her engagement and traveled cross states to plan her shower and attend events, including the wedding of course. Anytime I talked about my wedding, she was completely disinterested. I bought my gown and she didn't ask anything about it and has never seen a picture. Yet she expected me to be very interested in her wedding, and I was. Outside of the wedding things, she would blow me off all the time when we still lived in the same area. we would plan something for Friday and she would ask for it to be moved to Saturday morning. I wouldn't hear from her til Sat night then she would say Sunday. Sunday would come and she would cancel.It isn't that she didn't want to see me, she's just really really flighty.  Well after her wedding I figured now she would be able to think about mine a little. All my other BMs bought their dresses in June and in August I told her she needed to get it within a week because it takes 10-12 weeks to deliver. She didn't. She gave my mother her availability for a shower but then when one was planned (based on her availability), she said she can't come. I had a BM get together and she couldn't come to that either (<span style="font-weight:bold;">to be fair, remember we live a state apart)</span>.  Well I confronted her in August and said I wasn't happy with how things are going. I said she needed to get her dress right away. My MIL is throwing me a shower and I asked her to attend this since she cannot make my mother's shower. She said she would. In two weeks she said she couldn't because she didn't want to drive that far. I suggested she car pool with another BM in her area and she said "we'll see".  I also feel like she just isn't happy for me to be getting married.<span style="font-weight:bold;"> Her marriage is not going well </span>and I feel like she is jaded by it. She asked me how the FI and I are and when I say things are great, she brings up old issues between us. Well I just never heard from her since and to my knowledge she hadn't bought a dress. I decided to add another BM (regardless of what was going on w this one). <strong>My FI, mom, and BMs all suggested I ask the friend to step down </strong>bc of everything going on.  I did decide to do so since since she can't attend anything, hasn't helped with anything despite getting emails from all the other BMs, and  she is so undependable.....Well I talked to her and<span style="font-weight:bold;"> she had apparently just bought the dress a couple of days ago</span>. She said she has always intended to go to the shower from my MIL. I stayed firm and said I feel like I can't depend on her because she has proven this SO many times before. She doesn't see what she did wrong and thinks the new BM is a replacement. She doesn't see any issue with anything she has done and made promises to do all sorts of things (just like she has before and broken). I just honestly don't even feel confident she would show up at the wedding. I know to debridesmaid someone is one of the worst things a bride can do but <strong>was I completely wrong?</strong> I feel like the friendship has been strained for a while and Ihonestly, this has been my biggest wedding stressor. So mostly my question is...<strong>.where do I go from here</strong>? The friend is of course very upset. She thinks the new BM is a replacement. How do I try to maintain the friendship? Please, please be considerate with me and understand this was an extremely extremely difficult decision I made that I did not take lightly.
    Posted by rk1194[/QUOTE]

    The short answer is YES, you are completely wrong.
    BMs are not required to attend prewedding events, including BM get togethers, showers, BPs or rehearsals. They need to purchase their dresses before the wedding, which she did, and show up for the wedding on time and smile for the pictures.

    Where do you go from here? Straight to the phone. Call her and apologize profusely for not being such good friend. Ask her to rejoin the wedding party, don't be surprised if she refuses. Remember that she is having marital problems? That might be why she has changed her plans so many times. You were so busy being a bride that you forgot all about being a concerned friend.

    When you are talking to her, don't mention that your FMIL, mom and all your BMs advised you to dump her. And find yourself some new advisers.

    Good luck.
                       
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    The bm bought the dress a few days before rk kicked her out of the wedding.
                       
  • Cynthia1207Cynthia1207 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    She's having marital problems and you're concerned that she can't make it to your shower when you live in different states?  It seems like your own wedding has sidetracked you from being a friend.

    Yes you're wrong.  You need to work hard if you want to maintain this friendship.  I don't even see why you needed to mention you added a BM....Were you purposely trying to create more drama?  I just don't get it.

    Like PP said, you need new advisors.
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  • vsgalvsgal member
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You are so out of line.  So your perfect pretty princess day will never trump someone else's life.  She has other things going on with her that far outweigh your wedding in her eyes.  Her marriage is rocky and all you are concerned about is her attendance at a shower?  Really?  You sound like an amazing friend.

    Your wedding party is not obligated to do anything pre-wedding.  All they have to do is buy the dress and show up, which is she planning on doing since she bought the dress.  She does not have to come to showers, show interest in any planning, jump for joy because you found your dress, put together favors, plan bach parties or even show up for the rehersal. 

    What you do now is call her and profusely apologize for your rudeness.  You apologize for not caring about what is going on in her life.  You apologize for stressing her out over this.  You apologize for being a bad friend.  Then you do what you have to in order to fix this friendship.  This is totally on you.

    If she doesn't want to be her friend anymore, which I would totally expect, you need to reimburse her for her dress and any other expenses she had incurred because of your wedding.
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  • edited December 2011
    Wow thanks everyone for completely judging me. Maybe I didn't depict the situation well at all. I guess this is why I have never posted on here to strangers is because strangers don't know the situation. You dont know a single thing about my "pretty princess day". Did you miss the part where I said theBM no longer has anything positive to say about my relationship with my FI? Or the part where I said she started blowing me off constantly months before her marriage sucked?

    I'm not saying I was right. Clearly, I am posting because I am unsure. But you can't assume I'm consumed with ideas of my perfect day and that I am a miserable friend and that all the people around me jst so happen to be terrible too. I just want someone there who actually supports my marriage and who treats me like a friend, completely outside of wedding things. There is so much you don;t know about who I am as a friend and everyone who actually knows me thinks I have bended over backwards for this girl in every possible way since I have known her and she hasn't done a single thing for me in return. Btw since I am aware she is dealing with rough marital issues, I have been sending her weekly cards trying to encourage her, offered for her to stay at my house, did damage control with the in laws for her, and helped her find a new job. To say I am consumed with my wedding really isn't accurate.

  • sparent2010sparent2010 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Wow that's all I got. Seriously? If you want ot remain friends take vsgal or mariepoppy's advice and get on the phone apologize and ask her to be in the WP. 

    Honestly though did you ask this other girl b/c 
    A- You really wanted her as a BM or 
    B- You were kicking out the first girl and needed a replacement? 

    If it is B which I think it probably is then you need to own up to the fact you were in deed replacing her and being rude. 
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  • edited December 2011
    I don't think that what you did was very nice and it obviously hurt her feelings, which is making you feel bad.

    At this point it sounds like you don't really care about the friendship.  It seems like the friendship wasn't really working out anymore and that is ok.  Sometime people are at different points in their life and things just don't work out and you grow apart.

    With that said, IMO I don't think there is anything you can do.  Even if you go and apologize and basically grovel at her feet to try and get her back in the wedding, she probably won't want to do this. 

    I do think that she was probably preoccupied with her own life, so you shouldn't have put so much importance on her coming to every event.  Life happens and sometimes you just can't do everything, especially since you live in different states.

    I can understand why you would want only people who you feel are supportive of you standing up with you on your big day.  I think everyone wants that.  We definately don't know you, your BM and the entire situation, but I honestly believe that the damage is done and you should move on.  You risked losing a friend and that may be what happened here.  I would apologize for your decision, but I wouldnt try to get her to be in the wedding, unless she can somehow forgive you right away, which I don't see happening.

    Its unfortunate, but you really need to think about the future of the relationship.  Do you think this can be recovered from or do you want to recover from this?  Do you want her as a friend after your wedding?  That is an important question to ask yourself.

    Good luck and I hope it works out for the best.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    yes,you were way out of line.  You kicked her out and you want to know how to maintain a friendship?  You chose not to do that when you gave her the boot.

    BTW you DO need to repay her for the dress.  You booted her so you pay for it.
  • vsgalvsgal member
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-gets-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f27e87f1-674d-4b8b-939a-03c88551d93aPost:c4fb543b-9834-4739-a372-205c926cbbd2">Re: BM gets the boot...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow thanks everyone for completely judging me. Maybe I didn't depict the situation well at all. I guess this is why I have never posted on here to strangers is because strangers don't know the situation. You dont know a single thing about my "pretty princess day". <strong>Did you miss the part where I said theBM no longer has anything positive to say about my relationship with my FI? Or the part where I said she started blowing me off constantly months before her marriage sucked? I'm not saying I was right</strong>.
    Clearly, I am posting because I am unsure. But you can't assume I'm consumed with ideas of my perfect day and that I am a miserable friend and that all the people around me jst so happen to be terrible too.<strong> I just want someone there who actually supports my marriage and who treats me like a friend, completely outside of wedding things.</strong> There is so much you don;t know about who I am as a friend and everyone who actually knows me thinks I have bended over backwards for this girl in every possible way since I have known her and she hasn't done a single thing for me in return. Btw since I am aware she is dealing with rough marital issues, I have been sending her weekly cards trying to encourage her, offered for her to stay at my house, did damage control with the in laws for her, and helped her find a new job. To say I am consumed with my wedding really isn't accurate.
    Posted by rk1194[/QUOTE]


    Nope, did not miss that part.  You failed to see the context of her life.  SHE IS IN A ROCKY MARRIAGE!  Of course, she has nothing nice to say about marriage.  She is reeling.   Just an insight, most marriages are rocky before they are made public.  My last relationship was horrible for 2 months before I started making my feelings public to my friends.  There is no point bad-mouthing a potential ex before they become one.  It creates bad blood between friends and family and your beau.


    She probably wants the same thing you do--someone to support her.  And sending weekly cards and doing damage control, while good for her, does not excuse you to treat her douchy, which you did.  Call her and beg for her forgiveness and put her back in the wedding.  Oh, and don't kick out the other girl you immediatly replaced her with.  That is a superior douche-friend move.
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  • edited December 2011
    Yep, you're so out of line.  Massively.  Your friend and ex-BM deserves an apology.
  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I have to disagree with most PP'son  one account. Having a rough life is not an excuse for being a crappy friend. Life happens and can suck sometimes. If that is the case your friend should just say " A,B, and C are going on and I am unsure of things". If you guys were close enough to be BM's for each other she should be able to be honest about what is going on. (not necessarily details about her marriage, just that life is difficult at the moment). Being flaky is  a huge pet peeve of mine. Constantly missing plans is disrespectful and inconsiderate.

    As for asking her to step down, that bridge has been crossed and you can not undo it. You do owe her reimbursment for the dress since she did buy it. I would call this friendship a loss and let it go. If she is so unreliable and untrustworthy why would you want her to be your friend after the wedding?
  • edited December 2011
    you did the right thing. no extra stress needed on your day. One of my friends kicked me out of being MOH and to this day I don't know why and you did it WAY classier than her. She texted me that I was no longer in her wedding. And I always offered to help in any way she wanted.
  • jackman36jackman36 member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I completely agree with redheadtmk. But I would like to add that you still should not have kicked her out of the wedding party - she either shows up for your wedding or not - your wedding will be wonderful regardless.
  • tseguintseguin member
    Tenth Anniversary 10 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-gets-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f27e87f1-674d-4b8b-939a-03c88551d93aPost:af52e4c4-5049-443e-b63c-0002d6b1bf60">Re: BM gets the boot...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have to disagree with most PP'son  one account. Having a rough life is not an excuse for being a crappy friend. Life happens and can suck sometimes. If that is the case your friend should just say " A,B, and C are going on and I am unsure of things". If you guys were close enough to be BM's for each other she should be able to be honest about what is going on. (not necessarily details about her marriage, just that life is difficult at the moment). Being flaky is  a huge pet peeve of mine. Constantly missing plans is disrespectful and inconsiderate. As for asking her to step down, that bridge has been crossed and you can not undo it. You do owe her reimbursment for the dress since she did buy it. I would call this friendship a loss and let it go. If she is so unreliable and untrustworthy why would you want her to be your friend after the wedding?
    Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

    This. Completely this.  Going through a hard time does not make it ok to treat your friends like crap. she should have been honest with you upfront about what was going on.  I agree, with all your issues with her recently, why do you want to be her friends anyways? 

    Unless you are in someone's shoes you can't judge. Kicking bm's out of a wedding is a very strong opinion on this forum, however, I do believe there are times when circumstances do arise. Does it make it right, maybe not. But, we aren't there, we aren't experiencing what you are and until we do, we can all say we would NEVER do that. Not everything is so cut and dry, there are always exceptions.

    I agree you should pay her for the dress.  Cut your ties and move on. Doesn't sound like a friendship worth maintaining.
  • vsgalvsgal member
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-gets-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f27e87f1-674d-4b8b-939a-03c88551d93aPost:af52e4c4-5049-443e-b63c-0002d6b1bf60">Re: BM gets the boot...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have to disagree with most PP'son  one account. Having a rough life is not an excuse for being a crappy friend. Life happens and can suck sometimes. If that is the case your friend should just say " A,B, and C are going on and I am unsure of things". If you guys were close enough to be BM's for each other she should be able to be honest about what is going on. (not necessarily details about her marriage, just that life is difficult at the moment). Being flaky is  a huge pet peeve of mine. Constantly missing plans is disrespectful and inconsiderate. As for asking her to step down, that bridge has been crossed and you can not undo it. You do owe her reimbursment for the dress since she did buy it. I would call this friendship a loss and let it go. If she is so unreliable and untrustworthy why would you want her to be your friend after the wedding?
    Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

    So how does missing wedding related things because you are in the middle of a rocky marriage that went bad fast being a bad friend?  You are missing the point that the wedding party does not need to be present at ANY pre-wedding function or kowtow to the bride's decisions or planning.  Yes, it is rude to say you are attending and then back out. Being flaky can be a pet peeve, but is it worth ending a friendship over?  No. 

    FYI, being close to someone does not make it any easier to be honest about things that are happening. Even only telling people that life is rough without giving details is hard to say. My friend went through a divorce a couple of years after they got married.  Nobody knew anything about it until the case was getting ready to go to court.  She was embarrassed to admit that she got married too fast and her husband was a dolt.  She was also embarrassed that the marriage only lasted 3 years.   It seems that BM has not been married very long and her marriage is falling  apart.  There has to be a certain level of embarrassment in that situation for her, especially when one of her "friends" is getting married.   Of course she doesn't want to broadcast it.  Maybe she doesn't like to air dirty laundry.  Maybe she doesn't want her "friend" who is getting married to feel bad.  Maybe she is bitter toward marriage.  Bottom line, she does not have to tell her friends what is going on until she is ready to let them in.  It is her choice. 

    BM wants to be in the wedding.  For heaven's sake, she bought the dress. OP, you are still 100% wrong in what you did.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Your friend might be bringing up past problems in your relationship with your fi, because she is trying to understand how you worked through them. Or she might just be bitter about marriage, in general. Maybe you should ask her why she does it.

    After both your posts, I see nothing that warrants kicking a friend out your wedding party. You owe her an apology. Since you've done so many wonderful things for her in the past, she might feel that you deserve a pass on this one incident of poor judgement.

    I don't know you, your mom, your FMIL and all your friends. I only know what you posted. I'm sure they were sympathetic to your disappointment in your friend. But it would have been better for you, if they calmed you down, rather than encouraged you to kick your friend out of your wedding party. If they had done that, you wouldn't be feeling so terrible, right now.

    I hope you are able to resolve your problems with your friend. 











                       
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-gets-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f27e87f1-674d-4b8b-939a-03c88551d93aPost:48da5b77-d814-4689-b278-784b3b286540">Re: BM gets the boot...</a>:
    [QUOTE]you did the right thing. no extra stress needed on your day. One of my friends kicked me out of being MOH and to this day I don't know why and you did it WAY classier than her. She texted me that I was no longer in her wedding. And I always offered to help in any way she wanted.
    Posted by kierstenz100[/QUOTE]

    No she didn't do the right thing.  There's no "classy" way to treat a friend badly. 
  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-gets-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f27e87f1-674d-4b8b-939a-03c88551d93aPost:c4fb543b-9834-4739-a372-205c926cbbd2">Re: BM gets the boot...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow thanks everyone for completely judging me. Maybe I didn't depict the situation well at all.<strong> I guess this is why I have never posted on here to strangers</strong> is because strangers don't know the situation. You dont know a single thing about my "pretty princess day". Did you miss the part where I said theBM no longer has anything positive to say about my relationship with my FI? Or the part where I said she started blowing me off constantly months before her marriage sucked?<strong> I'm not saying I was right. Clearly, I am posting because I am unsure</strong>. But you can't assume I'm consumed with ideas of my perfect day and that I am a miserable friend and that all the people around me jst so happen to be terrible too. I just want someone there who actually supports my marriage and who treats me like a friend, completely outside of wedding things. There is so much you don;t know about who I am as a friend and everyone who actually knows me thinks I have bended over backwards for this girl in every possible way since I have known her and she hasn't done a single thing for me in return. Btw since I am aware she is dealing with rough marital issues, I have been sending her weekly cards trying to encourage her, offered for her to stay at my house, did damage control with the in laws for her, and helped her find a new job. To say I am consumed with my wedding really isn't accurate.
    Posted by rk1194[/QUOTE]


    Well maybe if you posted to strangers sooner you would have made the right decision in the first place, which would be to keep her in the WP.
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  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-gets-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f27e87f1-674d-4b8b-939a-03c88551d93aPost:55ab0d85-1846-4d56-a64f-8a6b1e7bc177">Re: BM gets the boot...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM gets the boot... : So how does missing wedding related things because you are in the middle of a rocky marriage that went bad fast being a bad friend?  You are missing the point that the wedding party does not need to be present at ANY pre-wedding function or kowtow to the bride's decisions or planning.  Yes, it is rude to say you are attending and then back out. Being flaky can be a pet peeve, but is it worth ending a friendship over?  No.  FYI, being close to someone does not make it any easier to be honest about things that are happening. Even only telling people that life is rough without giving details is hard to say. My friend went through a divorce a couple of years after they got married.  Nobody knew anything about it until the case was getting ready to go to court.  She was embarrassed to admit that she got married too fast and her husband was a dolt.  She was also embarrassed that the marriage only lasted 3 years.   It seems that BM has not been married very long and her marriage is falling  apart.  There has to be a certain level of embarrassment in that situation for her, especially when one of her "friends" is getting married.   Of course she doesn't want to broadcast it.  Maybe she doesn't like to air dirty laundry.  Maybe she doesn't want her "friend" who is getting married to feel bad.  Maybe she is bitter toward marriage.  Bottom line, she does not have to tell her friends what is going on until she is ready to let them in.  It is her choice.  BM wants to be in the wedding.  For heaven's sake, she bought the dress. OP, you are still 100% wrong in what you did.

    Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

    If you read the OP it stated she had been flaking for awhile before the wedding stuff was mentioned. It is not all wedding related. I know as a BM you are not required to attend. However if you say you are attending, the host arranges everything around your schedule, and then you do not show up, you should have a good reason. I still disagree that having a rough spot in life is an excuse to be inconsiderate and rude. It is ok to say I have alot going on right now and will be a bit distant for awhile with out giving any info. It is ok to not be active in the friendship for awhile if you need space.  But to keep giving the run around and  canceling plans etc is inconsiderate and rude.I also have friends who have been married barely a year. Thier first 8 months were hell and they almost divorced before they started turning things around. I have also experienced 2 deaths, an abortion drama, a miscarriage, and cancer stress among my friends and relatives all in the past year. these are all serious things that would be understandable for the people to need space and not one of them was ever disrespectful, inconsiderate, or rude. It is possible to have the privacy you need and maintain respectful friendships. Being bitter toward marriage is not an excuse to trash a friends relationship.


     And after a long period of time it is a reason to end a friendship. I expect my friends to put an effort into the friendship and act like they want to be friends. No relationship of any type is perfectly 50-50 all the time. There are times when one person needs to give less then the other. But it should be balanced over all. Nobody likes to feel like they are chasing after another person who is disinterested in them. However that being said I would not have kicked her out the wedding party. and she should be reimbursed for the dress.
  • edited December 2011
    First of all it sounds like she has not been that great of a friend to you from the beginning. Only hanging out with you when it related to her wedding and constantly rescheduling. I am sure you guys were great friends when you worked together and it is hard to think about the reality of the friendship and whether or not you want her as part of your wedding party. It sounds like this friendship was over before you asked her to step down. Honestly, it is not a nice thing to do but it could have been the right thing for you to do. As for maintaining the friendship i doubt it is possible. 
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  • HandBananaHandBanana member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Instead of slighting her for being jaded because of her marital probems you should be seriously concerned about your friends possible depression.  I can't imagine being a newly wed then having marital problems THEN the stress of standing up in a friends wedding THEN being kicked out of the friends wedding THEN being replaced by the friend.

    You should never have been talking to all these people about your FRIENDSHIP with her.  She is first your friend and second your BM. 

    I had a BM in CO up until the night before my wedding.  She missed every pre-wedding event (even the rehearsal.) She still managed to wear a dress and walk down and aisle and carry flowers.  Being a BM is not the same as being a bride groupie.  All she had to do was get the dress and be there the day of.  She already got the dress and she sounds like she planned on attending the wedding.  Who knows now.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-gets-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f27e87f1-674d-4b8b-939a-03c88551d93aPost:773b8bbc-bf5d-4085-813f-0e73f1eef357">Re: BM gets the boot...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Instead of slighting her for being jaded because of her marital probems you should be seriously concerned about your friends possible depression.  I can't imagine being a newly wed then having marital problems THEN the stress of standing up in a friends wedding THEN being kicked out of the friends wedding THEN being replaced by the friend. You should never have been talking to all these people about your FRIENDSHIP with her.  She is first your friend and second your BM.  I had a BM in CO up until the night before my wedding.  She missed every pre-wedding event (even the rehearsal.) She still managed to wear a dress and walk down and aisle and carry flowers.  <strong>Being a BM is not the same as being a bride groupie.</strong>  All she had to do was get the dress and be there the day of.  She already got the dress and she sounds like she planned on attending the wedding.  Who knows now.
    Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

    I think "bride groupie" should be entered into the Knot vernacular.
  • edited December 2011
    Trying to focus on your actual question here, "How do I try to maintain the friendship?" I think that ship has sailed, I disagree that there is never a reason to give a bridesmaid the boot, but I do think you need to be prepared that it is a friendship ending event. I also agree with everyone that you need to reimburse her for the dress.
  • jmconley08jmconley08 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I think I would have done the exact same thing you did, but I would also realize the friendship would probably be over. It's hard when you listen to someone's every detail about their wedding and don't get the same in return. She sounds like a downer and a flake to be honest and you probably don't want that negativity around you anyways on your wedding day or really ever. Yes, it stinks to lose a friend but sometimes it's necessary.

  • rae1200rae1200 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Im sorry but I have to agree with the OP here. Everyone one who has been asked to be a BM before knows that you are to Help Plan the Bridal Shower with the Maid of Honor as well as the Bachelorette Party!  You should also attend both the bridal shower and bachelorette party as it is an honor for you to be there and hurtful if you cannot attend unless you have good reason. This BM has canceled so many times that it has obviously hurt the Bride. WHAT ABOUT THE BRIDES FEELINGS??? A lot of ladies on this thread must have forgotten that this is the Brides day and when its the BMs time to get married then the Bride will turn around and do the exact same thing for them. Some people on this site would do well to reference these links as they are what every Bride expects from their BMs...

    www.bridesmaid101.com/bridesmaid_duties.html
    www.a-bridesmaid.com/bridesmaids.html

    OP...It sounds like this BM doesn't really care about your friendship much less your wedding. You made the right decision.  REMEMBER Some friends stay in your life forever and some just stay in your life for only a season. Try to move on and enjoy planning your wedding.
  • maelicmaelic member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Rae, you're wrong.

    Bridesmaids show up at the wedding in the previously-mutually-agreed-upon outfit. That's the only thing they have to do. And even then, sometimes bridesmaids can't MAKE it to the wedding and the brides do not hold it against them, because friends are more important than staging wedding photographs and parties.

    You are not owed parties. You are not owed attendance to parties thrown in your honor. You are not owed "support" from anyone other than your FI, especially if by support you mean wedding planning. Treat your friends the way you want to be treated, treat them with kindness and compassion, and if they have problems, understand that your parties and hoopla might not be the first thing on their mind. Nor should it be.

    What the OP did was horrid. If she was so ready to hurt her friend like that then she should have been ready to never talk to her friend again and know that she, herself, ended their friendship because of her desire for a party.

    Also, OP, you're going to need to reimburse your probably-now-ex-friend for any wedding expense she incurred so far, dress included.
  • edited December 2011
    I think you did the right thing.  If she is flaky/unreliable and always has been, then she is not a good friend.  It sounds like you have gone out of your way to be accommodating to her and she isn't showing you basic common courtesy.  And yes, friendship does go both ways- meaning that her tough situation is no excuse for her being totally inconsiderate to your feeling and needs.  
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