Moms and Maids

"Special" situation

I really got a surprise last night when my mom and I were discussing wording for a reception invitation. You see we are have a cake reception for everyone and then later in the evening a dinner for family because 100% of family is coming from other states. So really it will only be family and wedding party that is invited. Mom said to word it as "a private dinner party for family and close friends" and I said well, since it's only family and the wedding party we could just call it "a private family dinner" and the wedding party would understand when they got the invite that they're invited because they are in the wedding and not think they got the wrong invite. Anyway, to that my mom said, "but it isn't ONLY family." Yeah, yeah it is, family and the wedding party. To that she said (not asked) "but ______ wil come." ______ is her lover I guess but mom is still married to and lives with and sleeps in same bed as dad! Yes, this has been going on for a few years, but I don't want my family uncomfortable because they KNOW who this person really IS and might be put off that they are at the family dinner. _______ IS invited to the wedding and cake reception, but I was never going to invite them to the dinner! Now I'm affraid my mom will be pissed if I don't, but I really don't want to and won't. I don't want my wedding to be remembered as the day the fam had to meet the "other." Awkward!

Re: "Special" situation

  • edited December 2011
    Yikes. I agree that the 'other man' should definitely not attend a family function. Since your mom and dad are still married (why?), they are still a social unit and need to attend together as each other's 'date' until and unless they separate.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_special-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f99c549a-71b2-49ef-a0bc-4c3959e3baf8Post:630e4191-b09f-471f-9308-dadcd8d49511">"Special" situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]I really got a surprise last night when my mom and I were discussing wording for a reception invitation. You see we are have a cake reception for everyone and then later in the evening a dinner for family because 100% of family is coming from other states. So really it will only be family and wedding party that is invited. Mom said to word it as "a private dinner party for family and close friends" and I said well, since it's only family and the wedding party we could just call it "a private family dinner" and the wedding party would understand when they got the invite that they're invited because they are in the wedding and not think they got the wrong invite. Anyway, to that my mom said, "but it isn't ONLY family." Yeah, yeah it is, family and the wedding party. To that she said (not asked) "but ______ wil come." ______ is her lover I guess but mom is still married to and lives with and sleeps in same bed as dad! Yes, this has been going on for a few years, but I don't want my family uncomfortable because they KNOW who this person really IS and might be put off that they are at the family dinner. _______ IS invited to the wedding and cake reception, but I was never going to invite them to the dinner! Now I'm affraid my mom will be pissed if I don't, but I really don't want to and won't. I don't want my wedding to be remembered as the day the fam had to meet the "other." Awkward!
    Posted by enajylime[/QUOTE]

    Tiered wedding receptions are tacky. Why not just put on the invitation "Sorry, you're good enough to come to the wedding and you'd better bring a gift, but you didn't make the dinner cut. Better luck next time."
  • edited December 2011
    O.M.G. Surprised...
    Im shocked that _____ is invited to the wedding at all.
    How horrible for your Dad..

    Im not sure what other advice you are looking for?

    Good luck!
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  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If your mom, the other guy, and your dad are ok with it, why can't he come?  Who is paying for this family dinner?  If mom is paying, you are probably shiit outta luck.
  • enajylimeenajylime member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My folks ARE paying for the wedding but my dad's the income provider. I've had my say about her situation and tolerate it to an extent because I don't want to cut her out of my life, but she has heard my side. I don't feel I need to MAKE it stop as she is an adult and my dad is aware of it.... those details are not the issue. AND I'm sorry if having two receptions is tacky but I really wanted to treat my family who would have to travel to something special and I didn't want to NOT invite my local friends who I see more often but couldn't afford to treat EVERYONE to dinner. I think having a nice cake reception is sufficiant and I really don't care about the gifts, I'm not checking them as they come in. I just want to share my day since I have a household set up pretty well already. My bottom line is _______ is not family and that is how I seperate who's invited. There will be no announcement about the dinner, just a prior invite and it is a few hours after the cake reception. 
  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If your parents are paying, and they want this guy invited, he gets to be invited.  Even though you disapprove of what your mom is doing, it's none of your business.  It's between your mom and your dad.

    If mom and dad disagree on whether this guy should be invited or not, you need to let them duke it out, and you need to stay out of it.
  • edited December 2011
    Really? Why is it that whoever is paying can do or say whatever they want? We are paying for our daughters and we are doing our best to make it how they want. As a parent why would anyone invite or treat the bride and groom as if her wishes don't matter.
  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_special-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f99c549a-71b2-49ef-a0bc-4c3959e3baf8Post:b0ec1929-b692-4ea6-812b-e47b34ddd52c">Re: "Special" situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]Really? Why is it that whoever is paying can do or say whatever they want? We are paying for our daughters and we are doing our best to make it how they want. As a parent why would anyone invite or treat the bride and groom as if her wishes don't matter.
    Posted by Babbygirl1[/QUOTE]
    Because it's their money and their party.  Some parents aren't as understanding as you are.
  • NicnJen01NicnJen01 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That sucks.
  • edited December 2011
    Is this for real??? it reminds me of the 2nd Bridget jones diary movie. I can't imagine anyone's mom doing this in real life. I might be sheltered though. If so then yikes. Agree with Vicki I think you need to let your parents duke this out. And fwiw this doesn't strike me as a tiered reception. You're hosting a reception for everyone then having dinner with your family later. I would think that's pretty common for daytime weddings actually. Good luck
  • enajylimeenajylime member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thank arrabelle for validating my plans. I liked them. My sisters didn't even get to serve a dinner to anyone. My neighbor lady loves weddings and she said the worst wedding she went to is where they didn't serve any cake, just sandwiches. She said that's all people talked about. I will have cake, punch, nuts, mints, coffee, everything to make a nice cake reception. I think people will be happy.

    I think if I left it up to my folks they would let ______ come, but dad just lets mom do whatever she wants. I don't really think he likes it. I think he just is tired of causing friction and rubbing mom the wrong way. Poor guy. But that IS between them, that's why I let them deal with it in the day-to-day. But please NOT on MY day! Isn't that what everyone says? It's the bride's day. Even my mom who is helping me plan everything keeps repeating that. 

    Okay, so I have left one detail out because I don't think it was relevant but it does compound the issue. I have used ungendered pronouns and ______ but this person isn't what everyone expected--- it's a SHE!
  • edited December 2011
    I understand that if your parents are paying for the party you may have to put up with a few distant relatives or friends of the family that you don't know/aren't close to, but this is a bit to much.  I think you have every right to tell your mom(politely) that you want it to be just family and the wedding party.  It will be uncomfortable and awkward for everyone involved if your mother's lover is there.  Male or female doesn't matter, it is inappropriate to expect you to invite her lover.  In this case I have to agree with the old sentiment, it's your day.
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  • blush64blush64 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_special-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f99c549a-71b2-49ef-a0bc-4c3959e3baf8Post:2be19dcd-e950-41bb-ab32-b3f9123a42dc">Re: "Special" situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to "Special" situation : Tiered wedding receptions are tacky. Why not just put on the invitation "Sorry, you're good enough to come to the wedding and you'd better bring a gift, but you didn't make the dinner cut. Better luck next time."
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    This.

    And I think you mom should understand it wouldn't be appropriate for her lover to attend the same function as her husband.

    EDIT Tiered receptions aren't nice.  If you want things a certain way, save longer and pay for them to be the way you want.  If I was invited to a wedding like that and then found out the family and closer friends were have a great dinner later I would feel like I was asked to bring a gift. and that if the bride liked me more I would also be at dinner.
  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_special-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f99c549a-71b2-49ef-a0bc-4c3959e3baf8Post:423be17a-e8f5-4587-bd44-f3686148c301">Re: "Special" situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: "Special" situation : This. And I think you mom should understand it wouldn't be appropriate for her lover to attend the same function as her husband. EDIT Tiered receptions aren't nice.  If you want things a certain way, save longer and pay for them to be the way you want.  If I was invited to a wedding like that and then found out the family and closer friends were have a great dinner later I would feel like I was asked to bring a gift. <strong>and that if the bride liked me more I would also be at dinner</strong>.
    Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

    Why on earth would you feel that way? If you're not a family member, and you're not part of the wedding party, then you're not at the dinner. You've already been to the reception... I don't see the dinner as being any different than a day after brunch for the family and no one sees those as rude. It's not like she's not providing a reception immediately following the ceremony, and it sounds like the reception is going to be in the afternoon so why WOULD she provide a dinner mid-afternoon? It makes perfect sense that she has a family dinner, with JUST the WP as non-family members, that evening after the ceremony and reception are over. If she was inviting friends who aren't in the WP then I could understand hurt feelings, but since she's not then it makes absolutely no sense to get all butt hurt about not being invited to waht is, essentially, a FAMILY occasion.
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  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think what OP is planning as far as the reception goes is fine.  It doesn't sound like a tiered reception at all.  OP is hosting an adequate cake and punch reception for all of the guests, and then later doing something for family.  NBD.

    But, I still think you can't ban this woman from your reception.  Your wedding is not the time or place for you to pass judgement on this weird love triangle going on.  If your parents are ok with it, you need to be, too.

    I can almost guarantee that you'll be so busy having such a wonderful time, you won't even notice this woman.  And I'm guessing she'll know to keep her distance, too.  You don't have to interact with her or anything, but if your parents say she gets to come, then she gets to come.

    If you want to have control over the guestlist, you need to pay for this dinner yourself.
  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_special-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f99c549a-71b2-49ef-a0bc-4c3959e3baf8Post:630e4191-b09f-471f-9308-dadcd8d49511">"Special" situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]I really got a surprise last night when my mom and I were discussing wording for a reception invitation. You see we are have a cake reception for everyone and then later in the evening a dinner for family because 100% of family is coming from other states. So really it will only be family and wedding party that is invited. <strong> Mom said to word it as "a private dinner party for family and close friends"and I said well, since it's only family and the wedding party we could just call it "a private family dinner" and the wedding party would understand when they got the invite that they're invited because they are in the wedding and not think they got the wrong invite.</strong> Anyway, to that my mom said, "but it isn't ONLY family." Yeah, yeah it is, family and the wedding party. To that she said (not asked) "but ______ wil come." ______ is her lover I guess but mom is still married to and lives with and sleeps in same bed as dad! Yes, this has been going on for a few years, but I don't want my family uncomfortable because they KNOW who this person really IS and might be put off that they are at the family dinner. _______ IS invited to the wedding and cake reception, but I was never going to invite them to the dinner! Now I'm affraid my mom will be pissed if I don't, but I really don't want to and won't. I don't want my wedding to be remembered as the day the fam had to meet the "other." Awkward!
    Posted by enajylime[/QUOTE]


    I'll be honest, I didn't really read everything about the situation with your mom and stuff, but I wanted to throw in my 2 cents on your invites.

    If you are doing a cake & punch reception for everyone, fine.  You want to pay for dinner after that for a few other people, fine.  But for the love of God do separate invites for both events.  If everyone is invited to the cake & punch, then give everyone an invite with that information only.  If some people are invited to dinner after, give just those people a separate invite with that additional information. 

    But to put "cake & punch immediately following, then dinner for family and <em>close</em> friends only" seems so ridiculously rude.  If I got an invite that said that, I'd be pretty peeved that it was explicity pointed out that I'm apparently not "close" enough for dinner.  People might understand that "close" means bridal party, but it's still rude to point out that there's an event going on that you aren't invited to.
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  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I didn't think about that - ditto jemmini.  Definitely send separate invitations so your guests don't have to think about whether they are considered a "close" family friend.

    Send one invitation to everyone inviting them to the cake and punch reception, then include a separate insert for the dinner reception for the guests who are invited to the dinner part.
  • enajylimeenajylime member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    of course we are sending seperate invites just to the family for the dinner... they will also have hotel block info and a map included... all local friends will get the ceremony invite with a line about cake reception follows. DUH! Wink
  • edited December 2011
    I think your tiered reception is completely fine.  ESP since it's for FAMILY only.  It's not like you chose SOME friends that were "like family" you made it black and white for your guests.

    My friend did something very similar to you.  Her father was the minister at a very large church and she grew up in the church. EVERYONE knew her and were close enough to her to go to the wedding.  She had an open invitation for her wedding and reception.  It was huge, probably 600 or more people showed up and they had a cake/dessert reception following the ceremony where everyone was welcome.  In order to have a "normal" reception, she invited family and close friends to the rehearsal dinner.  There were around 100 or so at that.  It worked out just fine, and I don't know of any drama for people who weren't invited to the rehearsal dinner.  

    Good luck!
  • enajylimeenajylime member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The orgaization of the receptions is not in dispute. I have had local friends ask what time the wedding is because they are squeezing me in to their busy schedule. Then you look at family, ALL of them are coming from OOT and therefore I believe deserve a little extra "hospitality" as many of them will travel the day before and the day after, spending money on travel and hotel and time. They are giving me more in their presence than my local friends. That's just the facts. Although most guests will bring gifts, they are not being let down. The cake reception will be very nice and the least people should expect. Many of "the locals" would probably not attend if it cost them a whole day of activities. I do want them part of the day and I will spend most of it with them. A private family dinner would not offend me if I were attending a similar wedding for a friend. 

    Obviously RetreadBride hasn't read all of the entries to find out that my mom's he is a she. And yes maybe down the road they will be together and my dad alone, but after 4 years I think they are comfortable with the situation. I wouldn't care if I offended someone who may down the road do whatever. You cannot plan things around what ifs. Only past and present. If "down the road" she becomes family somehow, and I really don't see how, then we can include her in family functions. MY PARENTS ARE STILL TOGETHER! THEY will be a couple at the wedding, ______ will be a third wheel for sure and awkward. My guests won't know what to think about her and how to talk to her. I just know that. 

    I guess I am not going to care one way or the other, but I would prefer her not be there. But I just don't see how to get that done now that mom broached it in such a fashion. I think I'm stuck. But if their was a way, I was hoping to find an answer. But looks like people just are caught up on the so called tiered thing. GET OVER IT! You're not invited anyway so don't get your panties in a twist. 
  • edited December 2011
    I guess because my father passed away a long time ago, and I have so much respect and love for him, my answer may be different than others.  If my mother was doing this to my father, I likely wouldn't be very close with her and would be telling her flat out that her lover is not invited.  I'm pretty conservative when it comes to things like this and I think it spits on the whole sanctity of marriage.  Why throw their marital issues into your wedding day?  Yes some people have open marriages but if its not your belief, I don't think you need to accomodate it for that day. 

    My mom still hangs out with my dad's family even though he passed and she brings her new fiance with her but doesn't like that they have never warmed up to him.  Well, because technically, mom is no longer their family and they don't need to accept her fiance.  So I can't see why your extended family would ever be warm to her lover.  It may be a hard conversation but I would sit mom down and explain how you feel.  
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