Moms and Maids

MOH problems! Please Help!

I have been engaged since June 2009 and since the beginning, my younger sister hasn't been very excited about my wedding.  I thought at the beginning, maybe she was just jealous or just unhappy that I was engaged and she wasn't, but nothing has really changed.  We were very close when we were growing up and I still call her almost everyday.  Lately, she has been different and is involved in drugs.  I had already asked her to be my MOH, but I have less than a year until my wedding and she still thinks it is too early to be planning things.  She has never been involved in planning a wedding and I have tried to explain to her that right now is the time we need to get things rolling.  She became distant because of the drugs. We will make plans and she will blow me off.  I have talked to her about the wedding and asked her if she still wanted to be my MOH and how big of a responsiblity it is, but she got offended that I even asked her that.  She doesn't have a job or any money saved up.  My cousin is also in my wedding and we have become really close recently, so I made her my MOH also because I feel like she deserves to be.  NOw, I don't want my sister to be my MOH and I am getting to the point that I don't even want her in my wedding because she is stressing me out.  There is alittle more to the story than I am telling, but it is personal.  I'm just not sure what to do.  I don't want to ruin my relationship with my sister, because I am the only person in our family that she still talks to, so I want to be there for her if she needs me when she gets off her drugs, but I don't know what to do about the wedding.  Basically, what should I say to her about being in my wedding?  Keep in mind that she is very sensitve with words and usually twists things around to make me the bad guy.   Please Help!!

Re: MOH problems! Please Help!

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    You're going about this all wrong, OP.  The role of MOH is a title you give to the person or persons who are closest to you.  It has absolutely NOTHING to do with stuff they are supposed to do for you.  The MOH has no responsibilities aside from showing up on the day in the correct outfit.  Everything else is a bonus, one that she is not required to do and should not be held against her if she doesn't or can't.  It is NOT her job to plan your wedding, not in the slightest.

    She's correct.  At 1 year out, there's nothing wedding party related that she needs to worry about.  It's way too early to choose dresses, and even if she decides (of her own volition) to throw you a shower or bachelorette, it's way too early to start planning those either.  The only one who should be working on planning your wedding right now is you and your fiance. 



  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry to hear your sister is having problems. If you are the only family member that has maintained a relationship with her, think of how hurt and alone she will feel if you tell her she is not your MOH any longer.

    Once you ask someone to be your MOH or BM, you can't take it back, without seriously damaging your relationship. So now, you have two MOH, which is fine. Their only duties are to buy their dresses, show up on time for your wedding, stand next to you during the ceremony, hold your flowers, the groom's ring and maybe sign your marriage certificate. They are not responsible for helping you and fi plan your wedding. If your cousin volunteers to help out with things and you sister does not-that's fine. There's no need to demote your sister.

    Good luck with your planning.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    What pp's have said, all of it.  You don't have a MOH problem, you have a sister with a drug issue.  It's too early to be planning most things, so she's right on that count.  Focus on your sister's needs, not your own.
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-problems-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa3b1b65-02ee-44c9-ad23-90bd8460bc9dPost:1638f6c6-3149-474d-b870-8a75a4500cc1">MOH problems! Please Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have been engaged since June 2009 and since the beginning, my younger sister hasn't been very excited about my wedding.  I thought at the beginning, maybe she was just jealous or just unhappy that I was engaged and she wasn't, but nothing has really changed.  We were very close when we were growing up and I still call her almost everyday.  Lately, she has been different and is involved in drugs.  I had already asked her to be my MOH, but I have less than a year until my wedding and she still thinks it is too early to be planning things.  She has never been involved in planning a wedding and I have tried to explain to her that right now is the time we need to get things rolling.  She became distant because of the drugs. We will make plans and she will blow me off.  I have talked to her about the wedding and asked her if she still wanted to be my MOH and how big of a responsiblity it is, but she got offended that I even asked her that.  She doesn't have a job or any money saved up.  My cousin is also in my wedding and we have become really close recently, so I made her my MOH also because I feel like she deserves to be.  NOw, I don't want my sister to be my MOH and I am getting to the point that I don't even want her in my wedding because she is stressing me out.  There is alittle more to the story than I am telling, but it is personal.  I'm just not sure what to do.  I don't want to ruin my relationship with my sister, because I am the only person in our family that she still talks to, so I want to be there for her if she needs me when she gets off her drugs, but I don't know what to do about the wedding.  Basically, what should I say to her about being in my wedding?  Keep in mind that she is very sensitve with words and usually twists things around to make me the bad guy.   Please Help!!
    Posted by arp.one25[/QUOTE]

    I love that you're more concerned with your pretty princess DAY than you are with your sister's health and well-being.
  • 2bethereagain2bethereagain member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Obviously, none of you earlier posts have ever had a relative with a drug problem.  When someone is on drugs, drugs are all that matters.  They don't care about anything else.  They are just looking for the next way to get drugs.  Personally, I think that you should talk to your sister and explain to her how you are feeling.  Don't listen to anyone else but yourself.  If you think that she is going to be a problem, explain that to her now in a nice way.  Be gentle with her.  If she doesn't listen, just keep trying.  Everything will work out the way it is supposed to.  Weddings are stressful for everyone.  If she is jealous of you, give her something important to plan or do to make her a part of it.  Keep your head up! 

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-problems-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa3b1b65-02ee-44c9-ad23-90bd8460bc9dPost:820ebd25-bf26-4aa9-99ee-951dfc046631">Re: MOH problems! Please Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Obviously, none of you earlier posts have ever had a relative with a drug problem.  When someone is on drugs, drugs are all that matters</strong>.  They don't care about anything else.  They are just looking for the next way to get drugs.  Personally, I think that you should talk to your sister and explain to her how you are feeling.  Don't listen to anyone else but yourself.  If you think that she is going to be a problem, explain that to her now in a nice way.  Be gentle with her.  If she doesn't listen, just keep trying.  Everything will work out the way it is supposed to.  Weddings are stressful for everyone.  If she is jealous of you, give her something important to plan or do to make her a part of it.  Keep your head up! 
    Posted by 2bethereagain[/QUOTE]

    Your are so wrong, there. Many of us, including me, have had close family members with substance abuse issues. It's a heartbreaking situation to be in.

    If the bride was asking how to get her sister out of her life, I would say kicking her out of the wedding would be a good start.But she isn't. She wants to know how she can tell her sister she wants to replace her, <strong>without ruining their relationship. </strong>She probably can't. And every single poster, including you, has given the same advice.Unless the sister is some kind of threat, keeping the sister as her MOH, is the correct  and compassionate thing to do.
                       
  • blue1981blue1981 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is a tricky situation, you can't force someone with substance abuse issues to get better and while addicted to drugs it is unlikely that the sister will be able to be of much help as an MOH but personally I have an out of town MOH that has not done anything at all and I am ok with that. If she just got involved in drugs then possibly she will get out of the lifestyle pretty soon and treatment this early on may be a good option if she is open to it.
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Unfortunately, she has been on these drugs for quite some time and it just started getting worse.  She also doesn't feel that she has a problem and doesn't want any help.  I wish that she was open to it, but everything just keeps going down hill.  And to comment about her not helping out, I have no problem if she doesn't want to help me out, the problem is she says that she is going to meet with me and sets up a time and date and then blows me off.  I'm just afraid that she is going to do something that I can't just blow off as no big deal.  Also, for all of you who posted that I am just some "princess" that only cares about my wedding and how I am doing, you can all stop posting on this page.  You have no idea what I have done for her or what is going on in my life to get me to this point.  I have read other posts that you have written and all of you think everyone is self absorbed.  I could care less if my wedding goes perfect, I just care that I am marrying the love of my liffe.  I just wish that my sister wanted to be a part of it.  We were so close when we were growing up and I just miss her.  She is no longer the person that she used to be.  I don't know what else I can do for her. She is to the point that she looks like she is starving and will complain about how she is so hungry and has eaten 4 things in the past week, but will turn down getting something to eat for going to buy more drugs. 
  • Carson386Carson386 member
    500 Comments First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    It's very hard to deal with a family member with a drug addiction. The best advice I have for you is be there for her. Try to get her help and if she refuses it, hopefully someday (soon) she will realize she needs help and that she can count on you for help. I don't think kicking her out of the wedding is a good idea. That will make her feel worse. If she feels worse, she may just try to feel better by using more drugs. And depending on what drugs she is on, she could do something harmful to herself or others if she is very upset.
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