Moms and Maids

How can I be expected to know everything?

So, I just need to vent. I am young, in my 20s, and I have never been in a wedding party before. But literally two years ago I was asked to be in one for a girl who I was close with for a while. (Our boyfriends are like best friends) She has six maids, including me. All the other maids have been BFFs since childhood or are family. They have all also been in wedding parties before, and are in their 30s or late 20s. I keep telling them that I need people help me understand my roll, but no one cares. When I ask questions to them they get upset like I am being stupid for not knowing. last time I went to a wedding I was like 19, and I only went to the reception. I don't know what to do. 
Anyway the wedding isn't until september (it was supose to be last september but got pushed to this year for finacial reasons.) To make a long story short, on Saturday we had a Stag and Doe (A party to raise money for the couple, they are pretty common in these parts I am told.) Well I went into it thinking that since no one mentioned it to me, I was not needed to help. Flash forward to 10pm and all the sudden I am tricked into going to the door, where I must take tickets. I was not really briefed on what to do and given a 50/50 box. Everyone else goes to set up food, which I can't go get because I am expected to stay where I am. Flashforward to monday and teh bride is upset with everyone because we didn't do enough. I apologized, because I didn't know. But no one told me. She forgave me because I was ignorant to the fact. But she still called me out on being unwilling to help out. I was more then willing but was not told I was needed. I guess I just want to know if I should feel hurt that I should have known but had no way to know.

Re: How can I be expected to know everything?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-can-i-be-expected-to-know-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fd4c0700-2b0e-4ad6-a60f-aeae9e073632Post:e80981e0-b9e6-435c-a8c3-1e0f0a40840d">How can I be expected to know everything?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, I just need to vent. I am young, in my 20s, and I have never been in a wedding party before. But literally two years ago I was asked to be in one for a girl who I was close with for a while. (Our boyfriends are like best friends) She has six maids, including me. All the other maids have been BFFs since childhood or are family. They have all also been in wedding parties before, and are in their 30s or late 20s. I keep telling them that I need people help me understand my roll, but no one cares. When I ask questions to them they get upset like I am being stupid for not knowing. last time I went to a wedding I was like 19, and I only went to the reception. I don't know what to do.  Anyway the wedding isn't until september (it was supose to be last september but got pushed to this year for finacial reasons.) To make a long story short, on Saturday we had a Stag and Doe (A party to raise money for the couple, they are pretty common in these parts I am told.) Well I went into it thinking that since no one mentioned it to me, I was not needed to help. Flash forward to 10pm and all the sudden I am tricked into going to the door, where I must take tickets. I was not really briefed on what to do and given a 50/50 box. Everyone else goes to set up food, which I can't go get because I am expected to stay where I am. Flashforward to monday and teh bride is upset with everyone because we didn't do enough. I apologized, because I didn't know. But no one told me. She forgave me because I was ignorant to the fact. But she still called me out on being unwilling to help out. I was more then willing but was not told I was needed. I guess I just want to know if I should feel hurt that I should have known but had no way to know.
    Posted by capricasiks[/QUOTE]

    First, relax.  The only role/requirement you have is to buy the dress and show up on her wedding day.  Anything else is completely voluntary.

    Second, if the other BMs do not want to include you in any of the planning there isn't much you can do and should consider yourself lucky you don't have to deal with the stress and b*tchiness of it all.

    Third, even though they are common, stag and doe parties are rude.  It is never right to try and raise funds for the bride and groom to help pay for their wedding or honeymoon.  They are adults and should only spend what they can afford and not expect people to just give them money.

    Fourth, the bride sounds peachy.  A bride should be grateful for whatever is given or thrown in her honor.  She should be the one apologizing for acting like a bridezilla.

    You have done nothing wrong and just realize that weddings tend to bring out the worst in people.

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Everything Maggie said, you tried to let them know you needed help with knowing what to do since you have never been a BM before.  They didn't tell you, so you did the best you could without explicit directions.

    Going forward, just ask as many questions as you need to.  If they don't give you answers it's not your fault because you tried to ask.  Also, speak up if money becomes a concern.  You seem to be an after thought in their pre-wedding party planning (I'm sorry they are doing this to you - it is very rude!).  So if MOH emails you and says she needs $200 for a shower and you can't afford it.  Say to her that you can't afford that but you can provide x amount for the shower.  If you don't have a say in the planning, you do not have to pay!  Just be firm and consistent.

    And at anytime, you can come to this board to ask your questions.  We will be happy to help you!
  • Ditto PPs. I would not want to be in your shoes! These girls, bride included, sound like real winners to have to deal with. I would just stay out of the drama, show up on the wedding day in your dress, and then move on. The bride is being very rude, as are the other BMs. I would just be happy when the wedding is over!


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  • Thanks. I ask so many questions that I am annoying them, actually. One girl even told the bride I wasn't doing my part because I was confused about the theme of the shower. I almost dropped out, because it all comes down to everyone thinking that I am in the wrong. The bride said she forgave me but, I don't know what for. I have done nothing wrong. No one has ever asked me for money aside from buying the dress. Is that an issue as well? I dunno. I just feel that my ignorance is not an excuse, but no one wants to help me with what I don't now and I am expected to take part and help with everything, they made that quiet clear. But no one wants to help me understand WHAT they expect me to do.
    I actually even considered dropping out, because I don't deserve this, but I am stubborn. But I think of all the battles I stuck out, this one may actually be unwinable. And I wil forever be (In their minds) that bridesmaid who was stupid and didn't know what she was doing but we sure did and look at how great we are and how terrible that stupid one is.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Do you really care what they think?  Are you even friends with them?  If you are you need to rethink your friendships.  If not, then who the hell cares.  Let them be nit-wits and "Ms. Perfects".  Just be there for your friend, the bride, even if she is letting the wedding and all other aspects that go along with it go to her head.

  • I care that the bride things I am inconsiderate. I care that no one gets that I feel like a terrible person. I care that I feel like no one cares about me. Yes I get that this is her day, but I am a person too and I need to be understood.  Instead of that she accuses me of being sarcastic and and complaining because i told her I didn't know. She said she didn't want to hear it.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    To me it doesn't sound like this bride is a very good friend to you.

    I get that you are hurt by the other girls but if they aren't my friends I wouldn't give them the time of day, but since the bride is a friend I would definitely care that she is being so mean to me.

    I think you need to talk with the bride, friend to friend, not bride to BM.  You need to let her know that how she is treating you and talking to you is not acceptable and that it is hurting your feelings.  If she continues to act like she is you may need to reconsider your friendship with her because it is not worth staying friends with someone when they could careless about your feelings.

  • Whoaaaaaa.

    Maybe you should be asking her what she needs you to do if the other girls won't help you. Personally, I'd say F this S and drop out but you gave reasons that you don't want to and I respect that. Go straight to the bride and ask what she wants done, and if she continues to call you out, or nothing you do is "right" then don't waste your time. You can try and try but sometimes there is no way you will ever fit into some circles.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    How good of a friend is this bride?  Because honestly, she kinda sounds like a terrible person.  I would be evaluating the friendship.  Has the bride always treated you this way?  It sounds to me as if you would be better off dropping out of the wedding and not being friends with the bride anymore.  Who needs a friend who thinks you are inconsiderate, sarcastic & complaining when you are not, and not wanting to hear your side of things or questions.
  • She's a good enough friend. I dunno. I just feel like this got out of control way to fast. Like I don't know these other girls, and they are telling her stuff about me not wanting to help. It hurt. I over reacted yesterday when I said she didn't care. She did, (we talked) she just didn't want to hear it anymore. 
    I guess I just feel so out of the loop, I mean these other girls never get back to me. They never tell me what is needed, or expected and then they go and play the whole "Well she is unwilling to help" card. But then the bride played the "Well if you feel that something needs to be done, ask card" and when I tried to explain that I can't ask questions about what is to be done, because I don't know and when I do ask no one gets back to me or accuses me of trying to get out of work, it was over so no one wanted to hear it.
    I get it, it is over, but can't I at least explain myself?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-can-i-be-expected-to-know-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fd4c0700-2b0e-4ad6-a60f-aeae9e073632Post:4fbbc500-28a1-43c7-9730-8621657ae205">Re: How can I be expected to know everything?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks. I ask so many questions that I am annoying them, actually. One girl even told the bride I wasn't doing my part because I was confused about the theme of the shower. I almost dropped out, because it all comes down to everyone thinking that I am in the wrong. The bride said she forgave me but, I don't know what for. I have done nothing wrong. No one has ever asked me for money aside from buying the dress. Is that an issue as well? I dunno. I just feel that my ignorance is not an excuse, but no one wants to help me with what I don't now and I am expected to take part and help with everything, they made that quiet clear. But no one wants to help me understand WHAT they expect me to do. I actually even considered dropping out, because I don't deserve this, but I am stubborn. But I think of all the battles I stuck out, this one may actually be unwinable. And I wil forever be (In their minds) that bridesmaid who was stupid and didn't know what she was doing but we sure did and look at how great we are and how terrible that stupid one is.
    Posted by capricasiks[/QUOTE]

    Like previous posts said, all you need to do is buy a dress and show up.  I've been in a couple weddings, but because of financial issues and the fact that I lived kind of far, I didn't help with the showers (didn't plan or attend) or bachelorette party (I don't even think the second bride had one).  All I did was buy a dress and stand up for bride on her day.  Nobody was mad, the weddings turned out beautiful and everybody had a great time.  Af far as not knowing what to do, you can alsways search the website for a list of duties (althought the one on TK is pretty extensive and not anything I would ever expect my bridesmaids to do) or just search the web in general.  You are not out of line by any means.  Sorry you are having such a hard time.
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  • I guess I was just upset that I felt that the bride wasn't taking me in to consideration. I checked here for info but there was nothing about stags. And I had said before that if they needed me to tell me. No one did. Until it was already happening and then to say that I didn't do enough was enough to upset me because lord knows I tried. I feel let down by the rest of the girls but then to have the bride say that none of us did enough was rough.
    The bride isn't my best friend. We are close but not as close as we were when she first asked me two years ago. She has a habit of having no filter in what she says and is opinionated. So this whole ordeal started when she told us all we didn't do enough. She proceeded to tell me personally that she expects me to help with all events thrown in her honor. I have no excuse we live in the same town, I only work part time and so far the only money I have had to spend was for the dress. I actually have a feeling that I was expected to help pay for the stag but no one told me. I bought a ticket. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-can-i-be-expected-to-know-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fd4c0700-2b0e-4ad6-a60f-aeae9e073632Post:abfc6ec7-3710-4781-b921-e3fd7f4cbad5">Re: How can I be expected to know everything?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess I was just upset that I felt that the bride wasn't taking me in to consideration. I checked here for info but there was nothing about stags. And I had said before that if they needed me to tell me. No one did. Until it was already happening and then to say that I didn't do enough was enough to upset me because lord knows I tried. I feel let down by the rest of the girls but then to have the bride say that none of us did enough was rough. The bride isn't my best friend. We are close but not as close as we were when she first asked me two years ago. She has a habit of having no filter in what she says and is opinionated. So this whole ordeal started when she told us all we didn't do enough. <strong>She proceeded to tell me personally that she expects me to help with all events thrown in her honor.</strong> I have no excuse we live in the same town, I only work part time and so far the only money I have had to spend was for the dress. I actually have a feeling that I was expected to help pay for the stag but no one told me. I bought a ticket. 
    Posted by capricasiks[/QUOTE]

    The bolded above is where the bride is WRONG!  A bride should not expect anything to be thrown in her honor.  If she gets a shower or b party, she should have no say in what happens at them except maybe provide a guest list to the host.  And the bride should be gracious she had something, that is optional, thrown in her honor.

    The more you tell us about this bride, the more I want to tell you to run from this friendship!  You even said you aren't as close as you once were.  The bride is treating you as her servant.  A BM should always be a friend first and sadly I think this bride has forgotten that.
  • You are being bullied by this bride and her other bridesmaids.  The bridesmaids are setting you up and trying to make you feel bad on purpose.  I would drop out of that wedding and run as fast as you can from that bride and your friendship with her.  Friends do not treat each other like she is treating you.  You sound like a very sweet girl who is only trying to be a good bridesmaid and friend.  You do not deserve the rotten treatment you are receiving.
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