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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
Should I take my fiancé's last name?
I'm having trouble deciding whether I should take my fiancé's last name. My current last name belongs to my father whom I haven't spoken to in at least 7 years, and of whom I am not particularly fond. Nobody else in my immediate family has the same last name as myself (my mother changed hers back after the divorce) except for my sister, who is planning on changing it when she gets married.
The problem is: I'm not sure I like the way my fiancé's name sounds with mine. And because there's no way to get a accurate response without hearing my name, here it is: Kendall Harcourt. I'm marrying a man with the last name Cortez. The alliteration of Kendall Cortez sounds weird. Orginally, I was planning on hyphenating the two last names (Kendall Harcourt-Cortez), but the two "Corts" right next to each other also sounds weird. *say it aloud, you'll see!*
Being a feminist, I'd like to keep my own name. However, my father's name doesn't hold any meaning for me (it's not like I've ever spoken to any of my cousins or anything). And it's already a name I received from a man, so what's the harm (as a feminist) of taking a different man's name? At least I like my fiancé, which can't be said of the relationship with my father. Being that I'm just out of college I don't have any professional ties to my last name either.
Any ideas? Will my new name grow on me and stop sounding weird? Or when people call me "Kendall Cortez" will I look over my shoulder to see who they're talking to? Any thoughts would be great! Thanks!
The problem is: I'm not sure I like the way my fiancé's name sounds with mine. And because there's no way to get a accurate response without hearing my name, here it is: Kendall Harcourt. I'm marrying a man with the last name Cortez. The alliteration of Kendall Cortez sounds weird. Orginally, I was planning on hyphenating the two last names (Kendall Harcourt-Cortez), but the two "Corts" right next to each other also sounds weird. *say it aloud, you'll see!*
Being a feminist, I'd like to keep my own name. However, my father's name doesn't hold any meaning for me (it's not like I've ever spoken to any of my cousins or anything). And it's already a name I received from a man, so what's the harm (as a feminist) of taking a different man's name? At least I like my fiancé, which can't be said of the relationship with my father. Being that I'm just out of college I don't have any professional ties to my last name either.
Any ideas? Will my new name grow on me and stop sounding weird? Or when people call me "Kendall Cortez" will I look over my shoulder to see who they're talking to? Any thoughts would be great! Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Should I take my fiancé's last name?
It's a personal decision, so you need to go with what you want. Have you asked your FI what his feelings are on the subject? Some men have a strong opinion or expectation of you taking his name and others don't.
I will also say, as someone who's been married for 32 years, that I thought my name sounded weird when I was first married as well. You will get used to it. My DD was married 16 months ago. It's taken me time to get used to her last name. But I have.
Of course it sounds odd to you now. You've had the same name for however long you've been alive. But now I've had my married name longer than I had my maiden name and it IS my name.
Having said all that, this is a decision that only you can make. But I can promise you that if children are in your future and they have your FI's last name, people will call you Mrs. Cortez whether you change your name or not.
My sister kept her name when she was married 30 years ago. But she answers to both Ms. Lastname, and Mrs. DH's last name. Because she gets called both.
have you asked your fiance how he feels about it? i dont think Kendall Cortez sounds bad actually.
personally, the thought of changing my last name kind of freaks me out just b/c its always been my last name which i think is normal for everyone.
one thing you might want to do is hyphen it Kendall Harcourt-Cortez legally but just go by one or the other, just make sure to check with your fiance on how he feels about it.
I changed my name. My maiden name was my bio dad's last name, and neither he, or his family, have been a big part of my life. Meanwhile, I grew up in a house where most of the people had a different last name than me. I hated being "different" from the rest of my family, and knew from a very young age that I'd most likely be changing my name and not thinking twice about it.
And as far as feminism goes, I always view it as I chose to change my name, that was 100% my decision.
ETA: Whatever you decide, just remember, you're the one who has to sign this name "for as long as you both shall live", so change (Or don't change) your name to whatever is going to make you happy.
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I was on the fence about changing my name, but decided to drop my given middle name and have my maiden name as my middle name.
I'm still getting used to seeing my new name in print and signing my new name, but I'm liking it more and more. Over time you'll get used to it; you're just used to the name you've grown up with - give yourself time to adjust to your new name.
Like PP, even if you keep your maiden name or hyphenate your name - people will assume you took FIs last name so you'll still be called Mrs. NewLastName especially once you have kids.
Especially since your current last name is not of particular emotional meaning to you, I'd let it go! But it has to be your choice.
I am very attached to my maiden name--I'm older, was very close to my paternal grandparents, done a lot of performing under my maiden name (dance and theatre) etc. So I dropped my middle name (Marie) and changed it legally to Pirata Maiden Married. No hyphen, just my maiden name became my official middle name. So if you decide you do want to keep it for professional or other reasons, you could consider that. Most of the time I go by Pirata Married, but when I do a show or for certain legal papers or whatnot, I will list as my (new) full name.
i recently got married and chose to take my DH's last name early into the engagement. it's now been 6 months and about half of my ID has the new name (we also chose to honour my maiden name by adding it as an additional middle name for both of us). i have to admit it was harder than i thought to make the switch. i never thought i'd be so attached to my maiden name! however, now that it's been a few months and i've gotten used to the name i'm totally fine with it.
no one every talks about that awkward period where you're getting used to a new name, and all the emotion that comes with it. even now i wonder if i made the right decision.
anyway - i also think you don't have to decide right away. i know a woman who kept her maiden name until she had her first child, 3 years after her wedding. she wanted to have the same last name as her daughter, but didn't feel the need to change it until that point. she also owns her own business, and uses her maiden name in that capacity to this day.
ultimately you have a choice to make, and either one will be fine.
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Kendall Cortez sounds beautiful. Ultimately, most of us don't have he opportunity to change our name until this point in our lives, so, while I agree that you should be happy with it, last names aren't really based on aesthetic. It's about heritage. And the romance of assuming the name of somene you love so much you want to be forever associated with their name!!!
I do find it interesting that you call your current last name your father's name. Why isn't it your name? You've had it for however long you've been alive.
Personally, I'm not changing my name. I've had the same name for 30 years and don't see a reason to change it. But it is absolutely a personal decision. There's no right or wrong.
I haz a planning bio
I think the new name is ALWAYS going to sound wierd at first, because we're not use to it...we're use to it with the FI's name...but not with ours. You're USE to the sound of your current name, 'cuz it's all you've ever known.
Ultimately, this decision is you and your FI's...but really...I don't think it sounds bad together at all!
Also, IMHO, I think Kendall Cortez sounds beautiful together!