Elope now, ceremony/reception later?

TiffannieF

Only quote on this thread I can find about me talking about flowers:

"Weddings have become so materialistic.  "It's all about the dress, the cake, the flowers, how well you entertain your guests" etc etc.  This is SO far beyond what a wedding really is suppose to be and represent."

So OP, not only did you not read my post correctly, but no I didn't care about flowers...what a waste.  Only flowers at our wedding were 3 bouquets.

Starting a marriage in debt to have pretty flowers, cake, dress, etc is HUGE problem in the this country and one of the leading reasons why people divorce (debt). 

TiffannieF

Oh wait I can see it now! (stupid knot)

"Just in response to this... I can tell by your pictures that you had no concern about the dress, the cake, or the flowers."

"I didn't insult anything. I just pointed out that she used all of the things that, according to her, aren't important"

Edit: The materials in our wedding didn't consume me and weren't important.  But just because they weren't important doesn't mean we didn't have them.  We had some of that stuff because it is "traditional" (for us and our families).

Going with traditions (cake, dress, flowers, etc.) doesn't mean you are materialistic.  But when the wedding becomes ALL about material things then yes.  My eye was on the prize...my H. 

What I was trying to say was it sounds like your family could care less about what you and your FI would like to do, they want a wedding which is very materialistic.  A wedding should be how the B & G would like it whether that be elopement, DW, intimate ceremony & reception, big ceremony & reception, etc.  It sounds like your family cares about dresses (you mentioned somebody would be mad if their daughter didn't wear the dress), flowers, cake, etc and less about what you and your FI would like to do.

A what you are saying 'elope then have a wedding' to appease everybody else is superficial.

NOLAbridealmost

Tiff, I read her as being sarcastic. She thought you DID spend a bunch of time on the material details (which it's obvious that you put thought into the details from the pictures). She was trying to make you seem like a hypocrite by having the flowers, cake, dress, etc., but she missed your point. She thought you were saying screw the details, but anyone who can actually read knew you meant that she was devaluing the actual significance of marriage by having a fake ceremony later with all the frills when she's already married. 

TiffannieF

OH yes I can see this perspective too!!  lol

I'll edit my retort then, lol.

melntaitt

I'm all for the "no big deal" but even I can see the problem with this.

First, even though all members of TK can disagree on alot of points, the sanctity of marriage has never been a question - bicultural, gay, interfaith - the concept of marriage is a very real deal.

What you are doing is beyond this concept; you're getting married and then you're putting on a pretend, made-for-tv, reality type of show for the benefit of your guests.

Why do you believe this is the right thing to do? Your friends and family should love you regardless of how you choose to get married - they will not respect you if they find out that you lied to them and made them pony up for gifts, travel expenses and all sorts of other investments to witness your show.

You are an adult and free to make your own choices and of that noone will deny you - but consider that you will start your new life with your "soulmate" as a lie and a smear on the face of this very serious union.

And don't go on to justify your actions by blaming your parents - there's therapy for that.

em01092

So if YOU, as an adult,along with your FI, do not want the big wedding, put on your big girl panties and tell your family to GTFO it. Offer to reimburse the BMs/whoever for the dresses if it's that big of a deal to them that they won't get to wear it. 

Getting married is a great time to assert your independence as an adult and stand up for yourself. You will NEVER be able to please everyone. 

dori851

OP - It seems from your original post that you have lurked on this board before because you said you knew that people have a problem with the whole secret ceremony, then having a pretend ceremony later. I'm sure you also read WHY people have a problem with it because that is also on the boards. So, why did you ask for opinions in the first place?

And, why ask for thoughts about what we think when it's obvious that you have your mind made up?

kaceymarie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-now-ceremonyreception-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:0b9c5ea8-2d89-4395-b4ff-4f0fbc45cb02Post:07a10f5d-863a-47de-bb2a-14e2f87739fb">Re: Elope now, ceremony/reception later?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Elope now, ceremony/reception later? : Just in response to this... I can tell by your pictures that you had no concern about the dress, the cake, or the flowers.  Okay, now that that's out of the way, you women are so judgmental! First of all, I've already spoken to my mother about this and she said it would be fine with her. No, we wouldn't be able to tell the rest of the family because they just wouldn't show up even though (for my family) it's a 30 minute drive down the road.  And for those of you who just think I want a PPD, I thought I had said this here, but perhaps I didn't. I wanted to call off the entire wedding and just elope and have a reception down the road, but my mom, my MOH's mom, and my bridesmaids and their moms were all devastated that they wouldn't get to wear their dresses! They were all extremely upset and didn't know what they would do if they were unable to wear the bridesmaids dresses.  So yes, I do still want to get married now, but to save myself from eternal whining about how no one got to wear their dresses, I still have to have a big wedding.  Also, those of you who think it's like, illegal or something for an officiant to perform a second ceremony, you seriously need to do your research. I was married very young in Alaska when I was a month over 19. A year later, we had our big wedding in which our pastor performed the ceremony which was worded identically to our first wedding. So yes, it's completely doable and it's in no way illegal. Needless to say, that marriage didn't work out and I've been divorced since I was 20.  Four years later, I've found my soulmate and <strong>I would like to marry him on time</strong>. Like I think I've said (and if not, I'm clearing it up now), we were originally set to be married in April. 
Posted by forreallyserious[/QUOTE]

<div>on time? there is no time you HAVE to be married. srsly.. what is the rush!?  </div>

jennifercastaldo

Actually you can do both. I got married via Vegas since my husband and I were moving to FL and I was moving first. We married for insurance ( we were together for ten years though) and we have now been married for two years. Next year we are having the official ceremony for friends and family.

You can have your cake and eat it too, but we didn't lie to anyone about it. We told everyone.

I wouldn't suggest lying. I would simply state that you both eloped and that your having the official ceremony for friends and family in December. Period.

jennifercastaldo

Don't do the big shabang to make others happy. Do it for yourself and your spouse. That is the only reason to do it.

sandytoes12

If you are going to elope now, then you can make it into a (very early) vow renewal in December. You won't have to lie to family but you can still have your elopement and pretend wedding.

Eliz77

I have a friend who eloped abouy a year before her actual wedding date due to FI visa issues. Then they went to his country as planned with plenty of her family/friends and got married. Only those closest to her knew they eloped and she told me the elopement felt more of a formality, but the wedding felt like a WEDDING. 

Another friend who was in the marines eloped so that his wife would have extra financial stability while he was deployed. Again, only a few select people were privy to that info as well. When he returned home, they had another "wedding" and reception. They also said it was a very special day and being married already didn't take away from it.

I think if there is some reaason you HAVE to be married in April and cannot wait until December, go for it. Otherwise may as well wait as long as you are paying for the whole thing.

beingwyrd

I gotta say to the OP: 

Thank you for speaking up on just how judgemental people tend to be in this and other threads on TK. Geez ladies! CTFD. 

hugs and kisses, 

Maggie

mizutamababy

OP you really come off as one of those NO I WANT IT NOW impatient types with some I'm a special snowflake on the side.

Don't lie to your guests.  Even if your mom, brother, dog, etc. is OK with it, there will be guests who are not unless you have personally asked everyone and they all gave you the OK on being actors with you on your PPD.

Bay21

So I saw the title of this and got excited that somebody else was considering doing what my fiance and I are now considering (eloping then party)...needless to say I'm disappointed.

OP: If you could care less about the whole "she-bang" I'm not really sure why you would have planned a big ceremony and reception to start with. I also am not really into the whole thing, which is why even though my father has offered my fiance and I a substantial amount of money to have such a wedding, we haven't accepted his offer and are instead going to elope and then tell everyone later (possibly have a big party but we aren't sure yet).

My point is that you already have paid for everything and (as some PPs pointed out) haven't really given a solid, good reason for wanting to suddenly rush your wedding. If you've already got everything paid for to happen in December and you or your fiance isn't going to die or what-have-you before that date why not wait?

You said your mother/MIL were mad over their girls not gettig to wear the dresses? that's petty stuff but imagine how pissed they'd be if they found out you'd already gotten married, hadn't told them, and just put on the show for them? Even though I'm going to elope, I wouldn't throw a vow renewal and call it a wedding just for the sake of my family/friends: they would be more upset if I did that then just eloped, and quite a few would feel as though they'd been used just to get gifts no matter what my intentions were.

You have options about this: elope and only do a party in december or just wait and do it all in december. I really hope you consider them. Based on your irrate replies you are clearly going to do whatever the hell you want, but I hope that the replies that the other ladies have given you pause to consider some of the valid points they have made.

amandarashell

wow people are mean on this board.

anywho I honestly don't see the problem. Just don't register, and maybe just have a reception of some sort not a tradtional wedding wedding. Re-up your vows, or have a comittment ceremony type deal.

I know people who got married at the courthouse becuase he was getting deployed and they wanted to be married before it happened. they didnt let anyone know, then had a ceremony when he came back. it's your wedding you do what YOU want.

Sage0123

I love the idea of eloping and a reception later!  Whose business is it how it's done anyway?  Why does everyone have to follow a tradition?  A reception can be wedding-like  minus the brides maids, groomsmen, cermony..etc...have a program...the bride can wear her gown if she chooses  This way you make it your own...not some cookie cutter event.  To each his own I say.

Darlie35

Can't agree more! Sadly, my youngest son and his bride chose this path. They eloped and now want to have, as a friend said, "a sham wedding." Our hearts are sickened by the deception and having been left out since, until now, we were close. Have a reception later if you need a party. But don't denigrate the solemnity of a wedding. And for crying out loud, don't lie to your parents. It is a sorry way to start a marriage!

Jen4948

If you want to get married legally now and have a celebration later, fine.

But the celebration later is not your "wedding."  You are not entitled to that just because it's what your parents want.  Part of getting married is to establish yourself as an adult, and an adult doesn't just go along with their parents when their parents are not correct.  They also don't lie, to themselves or others, that the first ceremony was not their "wedding."

Jen4948

StageManager14 said:

If you want to get married legally now and have a celebration later, fine.

But the celebration later is not your "wedding."  You are not entitled to that just because it's what your parents want.  Part of getting married is to establish yourself as an adult, and an adult doesn't just go along with their parents when their parents are not correct.  They also don't lie, to themselves or others, that the first ceremony was not their "wedding."

Dude, this thread is over a year old. Pretty sure OP did whatever she was going to do awhile ago.

However old this thread is, knock off the "dude" crap.  I'm sick and tired of your looking for offense in everything I post.

[Deleted User]

Stuff like this is frowned upon because really the only reason to have a delayed ceremony & reception is to get gifts which is not why you should be having a reception.

HuckSC

I loved your post Stage. FYI.

Jen4948

You're not worth a response, Stage.

[Deleted User]

Sure would be nice if the flags and 'love it's weren't anonymous so we could see who inappropriately flagged Stage here.  That had better be strike one against both of them @KnotPorscha @StageManager14

rajahmd

I loved both your posts @StageManager14. I got really confused when I first opened this thread.  Took me a few posts to realize if was from well over a year ago.  Pretty neat to read the posts from the people that have since left though.  Anywho, I wonder what the OP ended up doing. Probably the eloping and lying then fake wedding.  Guess we'll never know though.....

[Deleted User]

This post did not warrant a flag and is with the team.

ashleyandchance

ashleyandchance

TiffannieF said:

I wanted to add a couple things as well..

I had a friend where they got married in a rush (he was being deployed) so they had a 'wedding' a year later.  She kept posting all these pictures leading up to the wedding of her dress fitting and all that.  It was titled "I can't believe this is acutally happening".  What I was confused about was...what can't she believe, that she is having a wedding or that she is getting married...because she already is married.

Which brings me to the point of ideas like this (elope then have a 'wedding') just is another problem we have in our society with the view of a wedding.  Weddings have become so materialistic.  "It's all about the dress, the cake, the flowers, how well you entertain your guests" etc etc.  This is SO far beyond what a wedding really is suppose to be and represent.

So whether its you or your family...getting married in a couple weeks then having a 'wedding' later just shows that a wedding is materialistic. 

If you two can't wait then you should discuss with your families that you will not cave into the materialistic side of weddings.

I think this is one of the most sensible things I've read all day.

rel1988

If I was your friend, attending your "wedding", found out I was liked to and it was actually your PPD, we would no longer be friends.

KJiras

OP I'm wondering if your BMs have already purchased their dresses? If I was in a friend's wedding and had paid for a dress, etc. and was looking forward to standing by your side I think I may be a bit upset if you decided (after the fact) that you wanted to scratch that portion of the celebration and just elope privately. It's like being un-asked to a wedding/bridal party because that is what the ceremony is.. that is the wedding, the rest is the party. By asking your bridesmaids to be a part of your day you were saying you couldn't think of getting married without them by your side. I doubt they are upset about not getting to wear the fabulous bridesmaid dress and more upset about you suggesting you'd like to now get married without them.

If you really want to elope, and forgo the traditional ceremony, you have to accept the emotions that may come with it. Some close friends/family members may feel left out, some don't care and are happy for you, etc. If you're friends/bridesmaids have bought their dresses and won't be invited to the "elopement" then you have to reimburse those girls and understand hurt feelings that will surely be had for being essentially un-invited. Trying to have it both ways is what results in the awkward "show." 

If you elope, are open and honest about it, and throw an awesome party later do you really feel your family wouldn't celebrate with you? If you have to lie to get people to attend, you already have your answer. I just encourage you to be open and honest with all guests from the start and let them make their own choice regarding attendance.