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Customs and Traditions

No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?

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Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?

  • wow, i'm really surprised by the really distasteful comments left on here. 

    My man and I are virgins, and have been doing long distance relationship for a little over a year now, and we are just so excited to be husband and wife! I really think that if you saved yourself for the right person, and waited, then you too would be more excited for your wedding day in that aspect.

    And wouldn't it be the coolest thing to know you are the only woman that man has slept with? That he saved himself just for you? As women, we are always comparing...and I can only imagine just a little thought in the back of your mind thinking, "i wonder if he's having just as much fun with me, than any of the others"

    I've had several friends regret not waiting...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c89c6d2-a304-4e01-b0d3-b0ceb55e75c1Post:d5cf4ef8-a4ce-4a41-84b5-4be6535df6cb">Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>wow, i'm really surprised by the really distasteful comments left on here</strong>
    .  My man and I are virgins, and have been doing long distance relationship for a little over a year now, and we are just so excited to be husband and wife! I really think that if you saved yourself for the right person, and waited, then you too would be more excited for your wedding day in that aspect. And wouldn't it be the coolest thing to know you are the only woman that man has slept with? That he saved himself just for you? As women, we are always comparing...and I can only imagine just a little thought in the back of your mind thinking, "i wonder if he's having just as much fun with me, than any of the others"

     I've had several friends regret not waiting...
    Posted by QtTiffles[/QUOTE]

    I don't think there have been any distasteful comments.

     It's to each their own.  Withholding is something we haven't discussed with over a year to go, but I was in a relationship for 6+ years, and he has been married, so clearly neither of us are virgins  As other ladies say, the longer I go without, the longer I really could care less, but if it's more often I want it more.

    Honestly, we've never had the "talk" about previous partners.  I don't care about his past and he doesn't care about mine.  What matters is the two of us have a future together and enjoy what we have in the present.
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  • edited August 2010


    I think people put a hold on it for a while to make it more... intense...Wink

    Question to "QtTiffles" I'm just wondering how do you know your man is a virgin??? If you've never had sex with him nor (I'm assuming) any sexual interaction? Just because two people aren't virgins when they get married doesn't mean they don't enjoy having sex together.
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  • The reason i said distasteful, was so many comments like "OMG why would people do that? Seriously?!?! That's such and awful thing!" there were couple said like that...

    and then you have the whole "want a cookie" comment, very mature.

    I was showing my opinion on the subject, I got tired of seeing the same responses on the matter, so I thought I'd share mine! 

    I can understand the whole "he's been married before" thing...I just personally find that so many in this society are already shacking up and living a marriage lifestyle, that it doesnt make the actual wedding day stand out and special.

    And my fiance is a virgin because he told me he was....I believe him lol

    Well, I'm done coming here...the app on the iphone is so much better, and the people there were much more congenial, sorry I wasted your time.
  • Don't get discouraged Tiffles... I just don't think anyone's comments were 'distateful' which, at least to me, makes it seem like you find their beliefs distateful.
    As for us, we have a baby. That ship has long sailed..... (along with every other wedding tradition in the book)
  • I'm sorry you find my beliefs distasteful.  I find self-righteous judgment distasteful, personally.
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  • I am guessing that those individuals waiting until marriage to have sex are on the younger side.  Sure, it is really easy to hold off on sex, living together, etc. when you are only 21 or 22...my parents raised me to wait; afterall, they did (they were 20 when they got married).  But I, for one, will be a 30-year-old bride!!  Of course I am not waiting...heck, my ovaries are already starting to shrink up and die!!!!  No...not that I want to have kids now, but I think it would be naive to think that at 29, I would be a virgin, not live with my fiance, etc.  It does not make me any less excited to be married, even if we already live like we are married.
    mcmahontobe121
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c89c6d2-a304-4e01-b0d3-b0ceb55e75c1Post:653f42ba-98e6-4284-af9c-6935f7a1f4f2">Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree that it's rare for one or both of the couple to be a virgin on their wedding day but as for taking a break from sex for a while before getting married, I get that. I think it's just really sentimental and for me, the reason that it makes it so special,<strong> is that you're supposed to be super excited for your wedding night.</strong> <strong>It's supposed to be this amazing, new frontier; this big adventure ya'll are undertaking together</strong>. Even if a couple is having sex already, taking a break makes you miss it all the more (absence makes the heart grow fonder, yes?) and really heightens the emotional aspect when you get to finally make love as husband and wife.
    Posted by Fred13[/QUOTE]


    Well, okay, but I think that being excited about sex on one's wedding night, and "entering a an amazing, new frontier: was from back in the day when your wedding night WAS your first time.

     I think it's pretty silly and unrealistic to think that married sex will be any different from unmarried sex.  I think you're setting yourself up for a big old disappointment if you think there's suddenly going to be some mystical connection on your wedding night that wasn't there 24 hours earlier.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c89c6d2-a304-4e01-b0d3-b0ceb55e75c1Post:d5cf4ef8-a4ce-4a41-84b5-4be6535df6cb">Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]wow, i'm really surprised by the really distasteful comments left on here.  My man and I are virgins, and have been doing long distance relationship for a little over a year now, and we are just so excited to be husband and wife! I really think that if you saved yourself for the right person, and waited, then you too would be more excited for your wedding day in that aspect. And wouldn't it be the coolest thing to know you are the only woman that man has slept with? That he saved himself just for you? As women, we are always comparing...<strong>and I can only imagine just a little thought in the back of your mind thinking, "i wonder if he's having just as much fun with me, than any of the others</strong>" I've had several friends regret not waiting...
    Posted by QtTiffles[/QUOTE]


    I always had this drilled into my head when I went to church, and I can honestly say that the thought of any past girls have never been anywhere in my head, whether during sex or not.  Kudos to you for waiting since that's what you want, but there's no point in acting like a martyr.
    spockforprez
  • Dear Lord, Tiffles was just sharing her opinion.  I don't think she was being judgemental at all, and she gave no indication that she thought she was better than anyone.  Why attack someone just because they have different opinons than yourself?  No wonder so many people get frustrated and quit posting on this site. 
    Knottie18130740
  • Tiffles wrote:
    "I can understand the whole "he's been married before" thing...I just personally find that so many in this society are already shacking up and living a marriage lifestyle, that it doesnt make the actual wedding day stand out and special."

    This is just plain offensive.  To imply that "shacking up" and "living a marriage lifestyle" (note: I have no idea what that means since it's impossible to live a "marriage lifestyle" without actually being married) makes the wedding day less special is downright rude.

    I would never judge someone who felt that the right thing for them to do was wait.  In fact, my fiance and I were both virgins when we met, though we aren't anymore (been living in sin for two years!).  To imply that my wedding day will be less special because I'm not a virgin is not only ridiculous but, as I said, just plain offensive.

    Having different opinions is one thing.  Assuming that people who disagree with you are lower on the proverbial totem pole is a whole different thing.  I, personally, think that it's silly to wait until marriage - there's nothing about a marriage certificate that is going to make sex any more/less special or different in any way from any other sex.  BUT I don't disrespect the people who believe otherwise, and I'm sure their wedding days are going to be just as special as mine because they too are (hopefully) marrying someone they truly love.
  • I think everyone was responding to the original topic of abstaining from sex before your wedding AFTER you're already having sex. That is what they were saying is silly. They weren't saying that it was stupid to wait until marriage at all.
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    Knottie18130740
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c89c6d2-a304-4e01-b0d3-b0ceb55e75c1Post:c4c3fff8-fa7d-4efb-becf-379b43e24440">Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am guessing that those individuals waiting until marriage to have sex are on the younger side.  Sure, it is really easy to hold off on sex, living together, etc. when you are only 21 or 22...my parents raised me to wait; afterall, they did (they were 20 when they got married).  But I, for one, will be a 30-year-old bride!!  Of course I am not waiting...heck, my ovaries are already starting to shrink up and die!!!!  No...not that I want to have kids now, but I think it would be naive to think that at 29, I would be a virgin, not live with my fiance, etc.  It does not make me any less excited to be married, even if we already live like we are married.
    Posted by jenwen32[/QUOTE]

    Are you in my brain?

    When I was in high school I did the whole church and youth group thing.  I thought I would wait until I was married to have sex and I thought I would be married by 22 and have kids by 25.  Then college happened.  I began to notice that people I went to school with who still had this virginal marriage thing in their heads all married someone else from high school or church and all got married relatively young and relatively quickly (in dating for less than a year before marriage). 

    What I realized is many of these people married so young because they wanted to have sex but wanted it to be "right".  Now more than 10 years later, many of these people have divorced, committed adultery, and/or are trying to relive what they missed out on by getting married so young.   If some of these people would have just experienced life and sex before marriage, they probably wouldn't be floating the "sin" boats they are now in. And they probably would have realized they were too young and not as compatible with each other as they once thought at 17 years old.

    Everyone is different in their beliefs.  I don't hold anything against someone for wanting to wait- it's their own personal decision.  But as PP said, these people are usually younger and are used to it.  As for withholding, I don't think it's necessary nor does it make your wedding night any more special.
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You do what you both feel is right.
  • We have a 10-month old so we're not fooling anybody.

    But I would like to stop the bow-chicka-wow-wow maybe 2 weeks before the wedding so that we'll be SO ready to when it's time.

    Operative words "would like to". Who knows what's gonna happen? lol.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c89c6d2-a304-4e01-b0d3-b0ceb55e75c1Post:10fd49a2-749e-4cfc-82f4-eda139233aa7">Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We were together until about 2pm on the wedding day, when we separated to go get ready.  I don't really get the whole "abstinence will make it more special" thought process.  The whole "pure before marriage" ship has clearly already sailed, so all withholding will really do is make the wedding night last about a minute and a half.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    No offense, but the ship hasn't sailed for all of us.  :)  I know its SHOCKING, but there are still many people who believe in abstinence before marriage. 
    Knottie18130740
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c89c6d2-a304-4e01-b0d3-b0ceb55e75c1Post:164fd305-881b-4a2a-aefb-b62fe624fb90">Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really? : Are you in my brain? When I was in high school I did the whole church and youth group thing.  I thought I would wait until I was married to have sex and I thought I would be married by 22 and have kids by 25.  Then college happened.  I began to notice that people I went to school with who still had this virginal marriage thing in their heads all married someone else from high school or church and all got married relatively young and relatively quickly (in dating for less than a year before marriage).  What I realized is many of these people married so young because they wanted to have sex but wanted it to be "right".  Now more than 10 years later, many of these people have divorced, committed adultery, and/or are trying to relive what they missed out on by getting married so young.   If some of these people would have just experienced life and sex before marriage, they probably wouldn't be floating the "sin" boats they are now in. And they probably would have realized they were too young and not as compatible with each other as they once thought at 17 years old. Everyone is different in their beliefs.  I don't hold anything against someone for wanting to wait- it's their own personal decision.  But as PP said, these people are usually younger and are used to it.  As for withholding, I don't think it's necessary nor does it make your wedding night any more special.
    Posted by CA2MT4EveR[/QUOTE]

    I can't tell you how many time's I've seen this. Not to say that you have to go whore it up, but rushing marriage just so you can do the hibbity jibbity is pretty much the worst idea ever. I think so many people are expecting sex to be this glorious experience that changes you. Honestly, you're like, ok cool, but I dont really feel any different.

    Sex with my fiance is the best sex I've ever had, because we are really in love, and have a super deep emotional bond. But does that mean I regret sleeping with other people, heck no! I wouldn't know how good I have it without having it with people who werent my soulmates.

    More power to those who wait until marriage. That just wasn't really the deal for me, and I have no problem with that. I just think somethimes a condecending attitude prevails, and just because that wasn't your deal doesn't mean we're all lusty whores.

    On a lusty whore note though, a big thumbs up to sex wedding morning!!!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c89c6d2-a304-4e01-b0d3-b0ceb55e75c1Post:7b05c27e-b82e-4a7a-b3c5-bba8dddf7b68">Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really? : Do you REALLY think that? <strong>Personally, this might be TMI, but not having sex for a while makes me want to have it even less. </strong>So we won't be abstaining. We live together.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    Exactly!!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c89c6d2-a304-4e01-b0d3-b0ceb55e75c1Post:d5cf4ef8-a4ce-4a41-84b5-4be6535df6cb">Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]wow, i'm really surprised by the really distasteful comments left on here.  My man and I are virgins, and have been doing long distance relationship for a little over a year now, and we are just so excited to be husband and wife! I really think that if you saved yourself for the right person, and waited, then you too would be more excited for your wedding day in that aspect. <strong>And wouldn't it be the coolest thing to know you are the only woman that man has slept with? That he saved himself just for you? As women, we are always comparing...and I can only imagine just a little thought in the back of your mind thinking, "i wonder if he's having just as much fun with me, than any of the others" </strong>I've had several friends regret not waiting...
    Posted by QtTiffles[/QUOTE]


    Actually, if I hadn't had sex with FI yet, I'd be freaking out nervous because I'd be wondering what could happen, what could go wrong, what if we don't connect in the bedroom, etc.  I'm excited for my wedding day because I get to marry my best friend. Not because I get to have sex with my husband (well, a bit of that, too - but that's what the excitement for the wedding NIGHt is for). Sounds like you need to get your priorities in order.
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  • Fi and I were both virgins when we met.  I was waiting for marriage; he was waiting for the right girl.  I'd never really done ANYTHING (I'd barely even kissed) before him.  About half a month after we got engaged, I decided I didn't want to wait any longer.  He wanted to make sure I was really ready, because he would have felt horrible if I wasn't.  Silly as it may sound, I asked him if we could go ahead and say marriage vows before we did it.  He thought it was a good idea, so we did, and it was very special.  And I am glad to know that he's the only guy I'll ever have sex with (double bonus that he was a virgin too, bc neither of us had anything to compare it to).

    And since then, I've learned how much I like sex.  And we've done the whole abstaining for special times thing, and it just made sex short (as Aerin mentioned) and not nearly as fun as it should have been.  Plus, I highly doubt either of us will want to go without (especially since we've been doing it pretty much every day since we moved in together).

    And I imagine we'll be too exhausted the night of, so I think morning of sex sounds awesome too :)

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  • My FI and I have lived together for three years and dated for six, and HE'S the one who wants to abstain! I had to talk him down from six months to six weeks! (Hey, I'm not going without on my birthday!)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding-really?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:1c89c6d2-a304-4e01-b0d3-b0ceb55e75c1Post:c87ef443-7f4f-44b5-b5cc-e9681121a506">Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No Sex Before The Wedding? Really? : I can't tell you how many time's I've seen this. Not to say that you have to go whore it up, but rushing marriage just so you can do the hibbity jibbity is pretty much the worst idea ever. I think so many people are expecting sex to be this glorious experience that changes you. Honestly, you're like, ok cool, but I dont really feel any different. Sex with my fiance is the best sex I've ever had, because we are really in love, and have a super deep emotional bond. But does that mean I regret sleeping with other people, heck no! I wouldn't know how good I have it without having it with people who werent my soulmates. More power to those who wait until marriage. That just wasn't really the deal for me, and I have no problem with that. I just think somethimes a condecending attitude prevails, and just because that wasn't your deal doesn't mean we're all lusty whores. On a lusty whore note though, a big thumbs up to sex wedding morning!!!
    Posted by FutureMrsCreen[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>You're in my brain!!!</div><div>
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  • Such a late response on this forum. Ha
    I'm getting married August 2014, I never planned to "cut off" my fiancé but I did. I can't tell him any details because I want a surprise.
    (I'm having my zipper glued so he can just rip it off)
    So I want the anticipation to build before the wedding...

    Do you think that should me I should "cut him off" from four play too? Or only sex?

    Help!
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Such a late response on this forum. Ha I'm getting married August 2014, I never planned to "cut off" my fiancé but I did. I can't tell him any details because I want a surprise. (I'm having my zipper glued so he can just rip it off) So I want the anticipation to build before the wedding... Do you think that should me I should "cut him off" from four play too? Or only sex? Help!
    Sure wish we had mods.  @KnotPorscha, please close this beyond dead thread and absurd response.
    STARMOON44Knottie18130740
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