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Customs and Traditions

Mother-in-law Money Problems

What could be worse than having an uncomfortable relationship with your future mother-in-law?  The answer is: bringing money into the relationship.  When I called my m-i-l to be to ask her if she would like to come with me to see a possible venue, her response was, "Well, I don't think I should be too involved with the wedding, seeing as how your parents will be hosting the event."
*Pause for dramatic jaw drop.*
So, clearly she thinks that we are doing things the traditional way, right? 
Well my parents were a bit offended and informed me that if that were the case, then she and my fiancé's father would be responsible for the rehearsal dinner and the booze.
However, we have been engaged for almost 7 months and his parents haven't mentioned one thing about given us any financial assistance.  
What should we do??

Re: Mother-in-law Money Problems

  • The traditions regarding who pays for what are very outdated.  Plan the wedding you and FI can afford yourselves.  If either sets of parents offer to help, accept graciously.  For now, you can assure MIL that you don't consider her involvement to equal financial contribution - you would just like her input on the venue (or caterer, dress, etc).
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  • Yeah that is what I have been doing. My parents have been very generous. I guess I just have to think of my PIL as non-contributors. 
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited June 2010
    My in-laws didn't contribute anything toward the wedding (though they did give us a cash gift afterward).  Yeah, it would be nice if they would pay, but it would also be nice if my landlord suddenly decided that I was too awesome to have to pay rent.

    Best not to dwell on it.  Just tell your MIL that no one really follows those old rules anymore, and you'd love for her to come along and check out venues even if she isn't paying.  If she still wants to be stuck in the past, it's on her.
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  • Perhaps your FMIL doesn't want to overstep her traditional bounds?  If your parents are hosting, then it would ideally be your mother who'd check out venues etc with you.  I'm not saying that any parent needs to contribute any money to your wedding/RD, I'm just playing devil's advocate.  I'd hate for your relationship with your FMIL to suffer because she thought she was being polite.

    That being said, you might have your FI talk with her and tell her that you'd love it she helped you with the wedding planning, no money expected.  If he can find a non-presumptious way of asking about the RD, all the better.
  • People know weddings cost money. If they haven't offered, sorry, they aren't planning on contributing.
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  • What aerin and merrymac said.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • I wouldnt assume that she thinks anything thats how things get more messed up. plan a wedding you n and FI can afford & if your parents are helping thats even better.
  • It sounds to me like she just doesn't want to step on anybody's toes.  If your parents are hosting, then they can call her and invite her to go look at venues too.  If your parents are not hosting, just tell MIL "well actually FI and are the ones hosting the event and we would love it if you came with us, if you're interested."  I think you are blowing this out of proportion.
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  • She may not be interested in being involved in the planning and that was her way of doing it "tactfully."  You can do what PP said and extend the invitation again letting her know that she's welcome to come even though they're not paying.  If she wants to, she will.  If she doesn't, it's not a big deal.  Some people just aren't interested in this kind of stuff.

    My FFIL made a similar comment to my FI when FI mentioned that we were saving for a wedding.  He said "but her parents are paying for it right?"  FI and I had always assumed we were paying for the whole thing ourselves, and he told his dad that.  I think his dad was surprised, but whatever.  In the end, my parents have surprised us and said they have money to give us so that is an unexpected gift. 

    I don't think your FMIL or my FFIL were saying the bride's parents SHOULD pay or trying to be offensive in any way.  Some people just assume that things will be done the "traditional" way.
  • Right, I get that. But "traditionally" the groom's parents pay for alcohol and the rehearsal dinner then.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It's strange how people invoke tradition when it supports whatever is convenient for them. Your FMIL would like to honor the tradition of your parents paying for the reception. You and mom want to honor the tradition of FILs paying for RD and open bar.

    No one, but you and your fi are responsible for your wedding expenses. If your parents want to help you out, that's very nice of them. You should thank them for their generosity. But no one has the right to demand that your FIL's pay for anything. If they want to make such a gift, they will let you know. But don't ask for it.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mother-law-money-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:299bf1a4-a597-4337-b741-71f761eae47ePost:d474ebdc-b4a7-49ed-b1ee-d1c4a54f9d9a">Re: Mother-in-law Money Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, it would be nice if they would pay, but it would also be nice if my landlord suddenly decided that I was too awesome to have to pay rent. Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    hehe.  FMIL IS my landlady.

    If your FI's parents are planning on paying for anything, they'll offer.  Really, it sounds like she's trying to avoid getting in the way.  Tell her that you really would like to to come with you.  Or she still doesn't want to go, ask her to look at RD venues with you.  If she's thinking about doing things the traditional way, maybe she'll offer to pay for it, but don't ask.
  • I'd be careful, my parents are paying for my wedding and fmil wants to plan it with their checkbook!  Involve her if you want, but I've learned that too many opinions just cause stress for you.  Good luck!!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mother-law-money-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:299bf1a4-a597-4337-b741-71f761eae47ePost:ad63fd5b-2318-419c-beee-a006c56e3d40">Mother-in-law Money Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]  What should we do??
    Posted by Cstrauchman[/QUOTE]


    Pay for the wedding yourselves (You and FI) or with the help of those who <strong>offer</strong> to help pay.  If they don't offer, too bad.  Most adults pay for their own weddings in today's day and age.
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  • Sound like you are not doing "traditional". If your parents aren't paying for your wedding, then his parents don't have to pay for the rehearsal dinner or the booze.
  • If you and your fiance have the money, pay for the wedding yourselves - it shows responsibility and building the foundation of your marriage. 

    No one is entitled to help pay for your wedding.

    If your parents aren't helping, then there is certainly no obligation required from your In-laws-to-be part as well!

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