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Not sure what to do anymore

Penguin8412Penguin8412
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in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
I wasn't sure where to post this post. I couldn't find a "My wedding is falling apart" board so here it goes:

I'm having a lot of issues with my wedding. I'm supposed to be getting married August 4th and I don't have my venue yet. We have the money for it, but we are getting married at a still open Playhouse and they aren't the best about answering phone calls. And because we don't have our venue booked, my future mother-in-law won't order the invitations because what if we don't get the venue (which I understand completely.) On top of that, some people are telling us we should look into a different venue but this is where I want to get married. And, on top of THAT, my family doesn't seem to be very supportive financially speaking. They're all for the wedding, and they love my fiancee. But no one seems to be willing to help out with things like tables and chairs and decorations.

My fiancee and I have talked about possibly postponing the wedding to August 4th of next year, but I don't really want to do that. It's coming down to where it's our only option though. I don't see how we will have a wedding in 2 and a half months if we don't even have our venue yet. I have become so overwhelmed with all of this that I am not even excited for my wedding now. I'm actually starting to dread it because I feel it will never happen.
I just need some supportive talk for once. Is postponing the wedding a bad thing or a good thing? Or should I just have a tiny elopement ceremony and be done with it all?
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Re: Not sure what to do anymore

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    Avion22Avion22 member
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    Um...not to sound too judgemental, but you say "I want" and "my wedding" an awful lot in your post.  You probably didn't mean to make it sound like the whole day is about you and what you want....but it kind of comes across that way.   What does your fiance think?

    The easiest way to end up with the perfect wedding is for you and your fiance to decide what the two of you want for yourselves, then do it.  If people are butting in and sharing their opinions, then stop talking about the wedding with them.  The only people whose opinions matter are yours and your fiance's.   

    Also, if parents are helping pay for the wedding, then it's natural for them to want a say in how things are done.  If you don't want them to have a say, then just pay for everything yourselves and don't accept offers for help.  
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    MrsKathyCMrsKathyC
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    Does your venue hold weddings there often or is this just something you'd like to do?  If it were me, I'd choose a different venue so that you can get planning on the other things.

    Also, your family in no way has any obligation to give you money.  If they keep suggesting things you can't afford, simply say "thats not in the budget".

    Good luck.

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    Avion22Avion22 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_not-sure-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:7ee72446-8855-4ee4-ae9d-9ae86a7c865fPost:5d070b2f-264f-4b8d-91ae-37a79344acfe">Re: Not sure what to do anymore</a>:
    [QUOTE]First off, I didn't mean to say my wedding and I want a lot. Of course my fiance matters to me and he thinks we should postpone the wedding. Second, my parents aren't paying for the wedding. They had said they would  but no one is stepping up (as I mentioned in my post) Third, I was looking for some more supportive advice. Not someone to criticise my entire post. I didn't mean to sound selfish. My fiance is the one that actually told me to not change the venue because HE wants to get married at the playhouse just as much as I do. He feels the exact same way as I do. The only reason I didn't put "We" and "us" is because I was typing from a first person point of view. I apologize if it wasn't correct.
    Posted by Penguin8412[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I really didn't mean to be too critical, and I'm sorry if it came off that way. It just sounded to me like everything was centered around how YOU feel, and you didn't really  mention your fiance's point of view in your first post.</div><div>
    </div><div>Based on your second post, I still stand by my original recommendation -- follow your hearts and do what the two of you want.  Don't give butt-in-skis the chance to throw their two cents in by not talking about the wedding with people (and if they ask, just change the subject).   I'm sorry if this isn't the advice you were looking for, but I stand by it.    

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    Penguin8412Penguin8412
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_not-sure-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:7ee72446-8855-4ee4-ae9d-9ae86a7c865fPost:05282501-e150-4218-8b80-731517bc9f11">Re: Not sure what to do anymore</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not sure what to do anymore : I really didn't mean to be too critical, and I'm sorry if it came off that way. It just sounded to me like everything was centered around how YOU feel, and you didn't really  mention your fiance's point of view in your first post. Based on your second post, I still stand by my original recommendation -- follow your hearts and do what the two of you want.  Don't give butt-in-skis the chance to throw their two cents in by not talking about the wedding with people (and if they ask, just change the subject).   I'm sorry if this isn't the advice you were looking for, but I stand by it.    
    Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

    I apologize if I seemed to angry about what you said. We just feel like maybe a wedding isn't the best option right now. My fiancee and I can't afford to pay for it ourselves. We are only 21 years old. The reason I feel so upset is my family, from the day I got engaged, have told me that they would pay for everything. It's a bunch of empty promises. My fiancee and I both feel that a wedding this year is not going to happen and that is why I probably am not thinking about what I am typing. I apologize for seeming rude. Just in a depression right now.
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    Avion22Avion22 member
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    I can see how frustrating that would be, especially if family offered to help and hasn't been able to do so.  The economy sucks right now, and a lot of people are struggling (even your parents might be, though they may not want you to know if they are).  

    Have you visited the budget brides board?   Those ladies manage to do a LOT on some really small budgets.  Maybe you can come up with some ideas to DIY some things and keep your wedding for this year.   After all, all you REALLY need to get married is an officiant, a license, and maybe some witnesses depending on your state.  All the rest is optional:-)

    If not...well....I know it's frustrating, but moving your wedding back a year isn't a huge deal in the long run, especially if it gives you more time to save money for the wedding you really want.  I know that's a lot easier for me to say than it probably is for you to hear, and I know it's frustrating.    I would give you a hug if I could:-)
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    MrsKathyCMrsKathyC
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_not-sure-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:7ee72446-8855-4ee4-ae9d-9ae86a7c865fPost:faf3b5a8-773b-466f-9ed4-04a0cf494ca3">Re: Not sure what to do anymore</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not sure what to do anymore : I apologize if I seemed to angry about what you said. We just feel like maybe a wedding isn't the best option right now. My fiancee and I can't afford to pay for it ourselves. We are only 21 years old. The reason I feel so upset is my family, from the day I got engaged, have told me that they would pay for everything. It's a bunch of empty promises. My fiancee and I both feel that a wedding this year is not going to happen and that is why I probably am not thinking about what I am typing. I apologize for seeming rude. Just in a depression right now.
    Posted by Penguin8412[/QUOTE]

    Have you talked to your family about the budget, how much they can afford, etc? If they offered but haven't paid anything, maybe they don't know you're waiting for it?  I don't know. I think a face to face, calm discussion is in order. 
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    Penguin8412Penguin8412
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_not-sure-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:7ee72446-8855-4ee4-ae9d-9ae86a7c865fPost:e52e45ac-4ada-432d-ad6d-2448742bafc0">Re: Not sure what to do anymore</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can see how frustrating that would be, especially if family offered to help and hasn't been able to do so.  The economy sucks right now, and a lot of people are struggling (even your parents might be, though they may not want you to know if they are).   Have you visited the budget brides board?   Those ladies manage to do a LOT on some really small budgets.  Maybe you can come up with some ideas to DIY some things and keep your wedding for this year.   After all, all you REALLY need to get married is an officiant, a license, and maybe some witnesses depending on your state.  All the rest is optional:-) If not...well....I know it's frustrating, but moving your wedding back a year isn't a huge deal in the long run, especially if it gives you more time to save money for the wedding you really want.  I know that's a lot easier for me to say than it probably is for you to hear, and I know it's frustrating.    I would give you a hug if I could:-)
    Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

    Thank-you so much! My fiancee and I talked and we are thinking we are going to push it back to October. I have checked the budget brides board, like you said, and found a lot of neat ideas. I thank-you for being supportive and talking to me about everything. I'm sorry for lashing out earlier. I just never knew exactly how stressfull weddings can be. Especially when family promises things and then don't have the nerve to say they can't do it. We just decided to push the wedding back a few months and save the money ourselves. Thank-you for everything :)
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    fallbride1109fallbride1109 member
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    Are you getting married in Dallas?  If so, come visit us on the DFW board--we'd love to help with anything you might need!
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    klm03013klm03013 member
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    Unfortunately, it is hard to count on cash someone offers until it is actually in your hand. That's why we planned a wedding that we could afford with no outside help. I would recommend that, too- as someone else mentioned, you can find lots of good ideas on the Budget board. That being said, try not to be too upset with your family about it- they really are not required to finance your wedding and while it can be frustrating that they aren't contributing as much as they said they would, try to keep the bigger picture in mind.

    I think postponing it would be a great idea to help you save a little more and straighten things out with the venue. My only advice is that if they are not being responsive now and you find them difficult to deal with, keep in mind that you will be even more stressed and need of quick responses when it is closer to the wedding. Chances are if they are not doing a good job of working with you now, they will only be adding to your stress later on. I know you seem pretty set on that venue so I am not saying not to work with them, but keep that in mind and decide if that is something you can handle.
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    Penguin8412Penguin8412
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_not-sure-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:7ee72446-8855-4ee4-ae9d-9ae86a7c865fPost:2ab31668-373f-47fc-ab97-b0569b116808">Re: Not sure what to do anymore</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't mean for this to sound harsh....but other people, even family, aren't being "unsupportive" just because they aren't helping to pay for YOUR wedding.  There are plenty of ways to have a perfectly lovely wedding without spending a bundle.  Think about what you need to have vs what you just want to have.  Get married in an off-meal hour (such as mid-afternoon), and then you don't have to serve a full meal.  That will save thousands of dollars. Don't serve alcohol, or limit it to wine and beer, or even just beer. Borrow a friend or relative's wedding dress, shop at a consignment store, or hit David's Bridal's 99 dollar gown sale.  Don't have a wedding party (then you don't have to buy wedding party gifts) or have just one attendant each. Don't buy special shoes or wedding jewelry.  You've probably got something beautiful in your closet already. Do your own hair and makeup. Skip any one-use items, such as cake serving sets, toasting flutes, aisle runners, pew decorations, guest book pens, cake toppers (use flowers or a piece of art you can display in your home afterward). Discount stores like Costco, and many supermarket bakeries make wedding cakes that are every bit as beautiful and taste just as delicious as specialty bakery cakes for a fraction of the price. Slash your guest list.  Most people understand, especially in this economy, that a couple can't invite everybody they know, or even everybody they'd like to have, to their wedding. Will they be disapppointed? Sure.  But they'll understand.  Cut coworkers unless you socialize with them outside work, business acquaintances, children, and relatives you see only once or twice a year. My wedding cost less than a thousand dollars.  You may have to go back several pages, but the thread is called "feel free to copy my cheap wedding."  We had 50 guests and it was great.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    All of this stuff you mentioned, I was already doing.
    We were going to have a morning wedding so no expensive dinners. We were already not serving alcohol. I was going to do my own hair and make-up. I was going to wear my own jewlery. We were going to invite family and close friends only. We were going to use fake flowers. His sister was going to make our cake (she makes amazing cakes). I mean we thought of every possible cheap way to have our wedding, and it still didn't work out because our venue was not willing to work with us and we feel like we can't have a wedding in two months and find a venue. Especially since we live in Dallas and were getting married in Corpus Christi. Too hard to do. We just decided to push it back a year to have a much better wedding and, for this time, to save all the money on our own. We understand our families have no obligation to pay. However, when someone says we will get this and they even research how much it will cost and even say we have the money and STILL don't pay for it? You must say that is a disappointment! This time, we are doing it right.
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    Lisa50Lisa50 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_not-sure-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:7ee72446-8855-4ee4-ae9d-9ae86a7c865fPost:55b96fbe-7f72-4ce0-86ec-cc1df0c54965">Re: Not sure what to do anymore</a>:
    [QUOTE]Um...not to sound too judgemental, but you say "I want" and "my wedding" an awful lot in your post.  You probably didn't mean to make it sound like the whole day is about you and what you want....but it kind of comes across that way.   What does your fiance think? <strong><font color="#ff0000">The easiest way to end up with the perfect wedding is for you and your fiance to decide what the two of you want for yourselves, then do it.</font></strong>  Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

    I will add two things to this, both very practical.  First (possibly useless, since the horse is out of the barn on this front), it can be risky to set a date before securing a venue. Enough said on that. Second, once you and your fiance decide what you want -- set a budget within <em>your </em>means. Do not count on financial support from anyone but the two of you. If it means scaling back, scale back. But, guess what?? You'll set your own course. Good luck!
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    mcskatcatmcskatcat member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_not-sure-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:7ee72446-8855-4ee4-ae9d-9ae86a7c865fPost:faf3b5a8-773b-466f-9ed4-04a0cf494ca3">Re: Not sure what to do anymore</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not sure what to do anymore : I apologize if I seemed to angry about what you said. We just feel like maybe a wedding isn't the best option right now. My fiancee and I can't afford to pay for it ourselves. We are only 21 years old. The reason I feel so upset is my family, from the day I got engaged, have told me that they would pay for everything. It's a bunch of empty promises. My fiancee and I both feel that a wedding this year is not going to happen and that is why I probably am not thinking about what I am typing. I apologize for seeming rude. Just in a depression right now.
    Posted by Penguin8412[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Can I also throw out there that maybe no one is taking you seriously about the wedding because you haven't booked anything or planned anything?  I wouldn't.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I would postpone it until next year.  It might happen this year, but it sounds like it will be a mess.  With that in mind, you need to set an actual budget between what you and your FI can contribute, and then you can bring up with your parents "hey, you mentioned contributing, do you have a figure in mind so we can start planning?"  Once you have a budget, you can actually plan your wedding.  In the meantime I'm not sure at all why you would have a venue in mind without knowing if that will be the only part of the wedding you can afford. 

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    rlavachrlavach member
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    Maybe I missed it, but what is the reason you haven't booked a venue yet? Are you having a hard time finding one, budget, taste? Like PP said, I really wouldn't take someone very seriously either if they haven't booked a venue yet. You certainly can't order invites because what address will you print on them? 

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    shannyb41shannyb41 member
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    I agree with the PP.  You have a date set but no venue and they set date is only a couple months away?  We didn't select a date until we had a venue and selected a date that the venue had available. 

    I would wait until next year.  If a wedding is no in the budget this year then do it next year.
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    PP have given great advice so far.  I would add that I think you should find a new venue.  If they are not responsive to your calls before they have your money, how do you think they will be after they have it. 

    If your parents have promised to pay for your wedding, sit down and have a talk with them about what you want to do.  Ask them for a budget to plan within.  See if they agree with the plans you have for your wedding. If they are paying, they get a say as to how their money is spent.  If their financial state has changed and they can no longer assist with the wedding.  I would recommend putting it off for a year and then you & FI save for a wedding that the 2 of you can afford together.
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
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    I know someone asked this already, but I didn't see an answer yet...does that venue do a lot of weddings?  Because less than 3 months out to not confirm a venue is cutting it majorly close.  Generally, we tell people that you don't have a wedding date until you have a deposit on your venue, because if they aren't available that day, you are kind of SOL.

    Are you attached to that specific date?  Perhaps you could try to postpone it at least a few months until you've heard back from the venue, and then that'll give you time to put everything else in line as far as finances go.

    In your situation though, it seems that somethings gotta give.  You want the venue you want, on the day you want, and someone to pay for it (which you'll need to talk to them about if they've already offered.  At the end of the day though, it's still not their responsibility to pay for it).  Since you have none of those things...something's gotta change, and it seems like your best bet at this point is the date.  Good luck!
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    kloweklowe member
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    Stop calling the place and show up and get your answers! Go in the morning as they are opening so you can talk to someone! If you still can't get an answer, move on. You aren't going to have the time (or patience) waiting for them to call you back when a vendor has a question, etc. We paid for our wedding ourselves with just our limited funds, It was very small w just very very close family and friends. Then I let my mom throw a BIG reception when we got back from the honeymoon. That party was "her baby", and she was so busy getting vendors, etc she barely spoke to me except for a few th"ings. She would bring me three of whatever (linens, chair covers, flowers, whatever) and I made the final choice. SO it worked out. And I got to play bride again at a kick ass party. New party dress! :)
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    Penguin8412Penguin8412
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_not-sure-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:7ee72446-8855-4ee4-ae9d-9ae86a7c865fPost:ddc25f3e-f282-4dca-a256-2db5c1d20db3">Re: Not sure what to do anymore</a>:
    [QUOTE]Stop calling the place and show up and get your answers! Go in the morning as they are opening so you can talk to someone! If you still can't get an answer, move on. You aren't going to have the time (or patience) waiting for them to call you back when a vendor has a question, etc. We paid for our wedding ourselves with just our limited funds, It was very small w just very very close family and friends. Then I let my mom throw a BIG reception when we got back from the honeymoon. That party was "her baby", and she was so busy getting vendors, etc she barely spoke to me except for a few th"ings. She would bring me three of whatever (linens, chair covers, flowers, whatever) and I made the final choice. SO it worked out. And I got to play bride again at a kick ass party. New party dress! :)
    Posted by klowe[/QUOTE]

    Believe me, I would have gone in. The problem is the venue is 7 hours away from us. I was supposed to be getting married in my hometown and I moved to a different area. So it was hard for us to try and just go down at anytime. Especially since I work weeks and my fiance works most weekends. We decided to give it up, postpone our wedding for a year and save the money ourselves and pay for it. That way we have more time to plan it better and find a better more responsive venue.
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    Penguin8412Penguin8412
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_not-sure-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:7ee72446-8855-4ee4-ae9d-9ae86a7c865fPost:cee1bfa9-b91c-4c33-b06a-603745ed4140">Re: Not sure what to do anymore</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not sure what to do anymore : Can I also throw out there that maybe no one is taking you seriously about the wedding because you haven't booked anything or planned anything?  I wouldn't.   I would postpone it until next year.  It might happen this year, but it sounds like it will be a mess.  With that in mind, you need to set an actual budget between what you and your FI can contribute, and then you can bring up with your parents "hey, you mentioned contributing, do you have a figure in mind so we can start planning?"  Once you have a budget, you can actually plan your wedding.  In the meantime I'm not sure at all why you would have a venue in mind without knowing if that will be the only part of the wedding you can afford. 
    Posted by mcskatcat[/QUOTE]

    We could afford the venue. We actually HAD the money for the venue. The problem we had was the venue was 7 hours away from us so we were having to depend on a family memeber to take the money down for us because the venue wouldn't allow us to mail it to them. Plus the venue wouldn't answer my family members phone calls. It wasn't that we couldn't afford the venue. It was that the venue ended up not working out with us. We changed our plans completely
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