Customs and Traditions

Groom Doesn't want to use Bride's Parents money

My soon to be husband is having a big problem with accepting money from my parents.  They are giving us the majority of our budget but is having a hard time swallowing his pride, even though he knows without the money we would not be having a destination wedding for 50 people.  My parents want me to tell them what our bills are and then they will reimburse us.  He feels that they should just "gift" us the money and we should be able to use it at our discretion.  I don't know how to make him understand that although its a "GIFT", that they still deserve to know where THEIR money is being spent.  HELP I HAVE A HEADSTRONG GROOM!!

Re: Groom Doesn't want to use Bride's Parents money

  • Why not send the bills directly to your parents or have them write checks for deposits? I think having to 'report' to your parents makes your groom feel like he is being treated like an irresponsible child who can't be trusted.
  • I wouldn't want to report to my parents about wedding plans either.  They did contribute to the wedding, but they left it to us to do the planning.

    Honestly, I think it's better in general to just get a set amount and work with that, rather than being given a blank check.  Fewer variables in operation.  I think you need to sit down and just talk with both him and your parents.  Settling a dispute doesn't necessarily mean "Make him understand that he's just wrong, wrong, wrong."  You need to meet in the middle.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • This doesn't make sense. First you claim he doesn't want to accept and use your parents' money for your wedding but he is insisting on your parents just handing over a lump sum.

    He has no right to ask for a lump sum to use at his discretion. Your parents are willing to pay for the wedding and they are entitled to be given the bills.

    If he doesn't like, he can not take the money at all and pay for the wedding himself.


  • My parents and I have a similar situation set up, although I have a specific budget to stay within. It was just the most practical way to deal with things. I purchase things and decide how much to spend on different things at my discretion, within the budget we set.  It's not possible to send every bill directly to my parents (although they did pay directly for a few things they were there for) because they live in another state.  If I find an awesome deal on a decoration, I'm not going to pass it up because my parents aren't with me to pay directly.  If I need to pay a deposit on a vendor, I'm not going to have them mail down a check. Additionally, being able to spread the payments out over a year (as I book vendors/purchase things) is definitely going to soften the financial blow for them.  If you're in a similar situation, you could explain that to your FI and he might understand a little better.
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  • Thanks for the input...we definitly have a set amount, but he feels like if we have to go and tell them how much we spent and then in return get a reimbursment, it doesn't feel like WE are the ones doing it, they are...and part of me feels that way to, to a certain extext, since neither one of us have had to rely on our parents for so much money before.  I guess what I need to figure out is if it's completely rude of me to see if my parents would "gift" the sum of the money to us (I know they have the full amount ready to be spent, so not a problem there) and let us use it in our discrestion, so we don't feel like we have to go back and ask them for money 15 times...uggh too much stress this early in the planning stage!!
  • edited July 2010
    and please don't take my reply in the wrong tone, we are very appreciative and lucky to have parents that would be willing to help pay for our wedding but my fiance is very proud and having a hard time excepting such a large gift from them...I need to find a way to make him more comfortable with it...I guess it will all come in time!

  • Oh please. Stop with this your FI is very proud and having a hard time accepting your parents money.

    He is wanting a lump sum so he can do what he wants to do with it. That is not being proud and having a hard time accepting money. He has his hand right out there.

    Yes it is completely rude of you to suggest to your parents to gift you the lump sum so you can spend it as you wish and your FI can pretend that he is paying for things.


  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    We told my daughter that we will pay $XXX for the food and open bar for her wedding. She can choose the menu and do whatever she likes. We will be making the payments to her venue, as they are due. If she decides to purchase wedding insurance, we will make the checks out to her, as needed. If she prefers, we will make the payments directly to the venue. We will keep the money in our account until it is needed. My FSIL wasn't offended, at all. He and my DD were very thankful.
                
  • Your finance is being unreasonable - sounds like he wants their money to use his way.  He does want to use the brides parents money just on his terms.
  • I'm in a similiar situation. My dad has saved away some money for my wedding (consisting of rent that I had paid to my dad from previous years) plus any rent money that I give to him now is added monthly to the balance. The way we've been taking care of deposits is that I will write out a check to the vendor and then my parents reimburse me the money. 

    My FI was perfectly fine with this arrangement until my dad started mentioning that we have to be grateful to him that he saved that money for me. We're extrememly grateful that he's helping us out becuase we probably wouldn't be able to afford the things we're getting for the wedding nor be able to save up for possibly buying a home for us. I always thank him and tell him how appreciative we are for his help.

    But now, FI is getting super irritated with my dad becuase every time the wedding expenses come up, he has to throw it in our faces that becuase of him we're able to get the things we want for the wedding. So now FI doesn't want to accept anymore of my dad's money if he continues to throw that in our faces.


    Maya
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