Severe Religion&Culture Drama

DiannaLawley2Be

My family is 100% Catholic Albanian and we have very specific weddings with our own traditions, meanwhile, my fiancee's family is composed 100% of Russian Jews--- with their own traditions for the ceremony and reception as well.

There is no compromise between either of our families- Persoanlly I would just not be comfortable getting married in a temple which the MIL insits is the only place her dear son should get married. And the same is the problem for my fiancee. Even if one of us agreed to the other location our families would be outraged- and would actually boycott the wedding. A totally seperate location has been brought up and was responded to immense drama from both families.

Additionally, the reception has similar problems- what music to play when/traditions to have. I just cant deal with this drama..... and friendly advice?

ScrabbleAndLlamas

I wonder if they knew that the alternative to them being grown ups and compromising was elopement if their behavior would change.  If the choice is "Shut up and deal while you see me get married" or "You don't get to see the wedding at all" they might decide the traditions are a little less important.

But God is this making me glad that I'm Episcopal and he's raised casual Catholic turned agnostic.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_severe-religionculture-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:8ff820f4-32c3-4327-aa62-e7a06f6385d0Post:8049a6cb-d357-49c9-bf68-82b9b473f4d5">Severe Religion&Culture Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]My family is 100% Catholic Albanian and we have very specific weddings with our own traditions, meanwhile, my fiancee's family is composed 100% of Russian Jews--- with their own traditions for the ceremony and reception as well. There is no compromise between either of our families- Persoanlly I would just not be comfortable getting married in a temple which the MIL insits is the only place her dear son should get married. And the same is the problem for my fiancee. Even if one of us agreed to the other location our families would be outraged- and would actually boycott the wedding. A totally seperate location has been brought up and was responded to immense drama from both families. Additionally, the reception has similar problems- what music to play when/traditions to have. I just cant deal with this drama..... and friendly advice?
Posted by DiannaLawley2Be[/QUOTE]

Las Vegas.

Lisa50

If you truly cannot deal with this drama, it seems the elopement suggestion is the winner.  As much as some families like to drive brides and grooms to satisfy their own wedding fantasies, your wedding is between you and your fiance. 

Have you and your fiance talked about what you both want?  That's truly the first step in making this wedding about fulfilling your wishes.  Don't worry about making others happy.  When you and your fiance have reached your conclusions, if it's a blended religious ceremony in your hometown, a wedding in his or your house of worship, an elopement or something else in between, make a commitment to one another to get it done.  You'll have to work at filtering out all the other noise.  But I cannot believe you've gotten this far and, if both families are as dramatic as you've described, have not figured out a way to deal with it.  Consider it practice to living your future lives together. 

Good luck!

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_severe-religionculture-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:8ff820f4-32c3-4327-aa62-e7a06f6385d0Post:8049a6cb-d357-49c9-bf68-82b9b473f4d5">Severe Religion&Culture Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]My family is 100% Catholic Albanian and we have very specific weddings with our own traditions, meanwhile, my fiancee's family is composed 100% of Russian Jews--- with their own traditions for the ceremony and reception as well. There is no compromise between either of our families- Persoanlly I would just not be comfortable getting married in a temple which the MIL insits is the only place her dear son should get married. And the same is the problem for my fiancee. Even if one of us agreed to the other location our families would be outraged- and would actually boycott the wedding. A totally seperate location has been brought up and was responded to immense drama from both families. Additionally, the reception has similar problems- what music to play when/traditions to have. I just cant deal with this drama..... and friendly advice?
Posted by DiannaLawley2Be[/QUOTE]

Who is paying for this ceremony and reception?
If you and him pay for it yourselves, then you two get to decide what happens.
If they threaten to boycott, call their bluff. if they don't show up, that's on them. I know you and him will be disappointed, but the other alternative is to not invite any of them and elope. Do you want to elope?

Just wait until you have kids and his family fights for a bris and your family fights for a baptism. I don't envy you.

Jen4948

Even though everyone thus far has said "elope," I think that if you do that it does mean that you will quite possibly be cutting off one or both families, or they will perceive your elopement as a final cutoff.  So before you do that, I'd think about if you're willing for that to happen.

If not, before you do anything else, I'd go to both families with your situation, and say, "Hey, expecting a totally traditional wedding for our side that doesn't take the other side into consideration at all isn't going to work.  We need some flexibility on both sides in order to avoid elopement as the only option, and really hope you won't put us into that situation by not being willing to compromise somewhere."  But they may still refuse to do any compromising even then, so you've got a sticky future ahead of you.  Best wishes.

Calypso1977

i knew a couple who was devout jewish and devout catholic.

tehy ultimately opted to marry catholic, as the bride could still practice judaism if she married in the catholic church, whereas if the groom married in a jewish ceremony he would no longer be able to participate in his faith.

something to consider.

i actually disagree with eloping because then both families will be angry.  i guess i think its better to have one side or the other angry in the hopes that they will come around with the support and backing onf the other side.  two angry families who think you did something "wrong" would be harder and quite lonely.

i agree with others - kids will only cause more fighting.  you need to take a position now on what faith you'll practice and how kids will be raised before a wedding can occur.  you have to also consider the possibility that you will never agree on religion and depending upon its importance in one or both of your lives, this may not even be the right relationship match for one or both of you.

Peledreamsofrain

Phew, save yourself the grey hairs and elope.  If you insist on a ceremony, no matter what you do you will have months and months and months of people looking down their noses at your decisions.

Nobody needs that.  Let them know that your life is lived by your rules, not theirs.

DiannaLawley2Be

Hey guys! Thanks for all the concern and advice, I really appreciate what I've recieved so far!

As for our future family, we have already agreed to raise them catholic. He is less Jewish than I am Catholic so that was an easy decision- the only problem really is with this wedding and what him and his parents want versus myself and my parents.

Eloping would be the obvious easy answer, but we both really wanted a great big wedding with our families. We are both the eldest in each of our families and first to get married so its a big deal for both sides- which is making it all the more difficult.

As for the UU idea I suppose we could look through it and find SOME sort of common ground that would be enough for both families to attend (as for seeing their bluffs with boycotting- our families have both already done so... so its not an empty threat lol)

Thanks again to you all

Jen4948

Is it possible for the two of you to have a completely private ceremony in the religion of your choice but then later have a reception for both families that includes both sides' traditions, or would they boycott that over the ceremony?

renegade gaucho

Stop taking what your families want into account.  The two of you need to plan the ceremony that YOU want- even if that means paying for your own wedding- and tell your families that if they can't respect your choices and behave properly for one day, they will not be invited to the wedding and their involvement in your lives going forward will be in question.

OliveOilsMom

OP - Since you are Catholic and marrying in the Church, I would recommend going to speak with your priest about this issue.  Hopefully, he will have dealt with something similar in the past.  He could assist you in getting a dispensation to have your ceremony somewhere other than in a Catholic Church.  It would still need to be presided over by a priest, but you could have the ceremony anywhere that is indoors.  And it would keep you in good standing with the Church.

And if you and FI are paying for the wedding yourselves.  Then just go ahead and plan what the two of you want and stop worrying about what your families think.  Send out the invites when the time comes, but otherwise, don't talk about the wedding with your families.  Just use the generic "We have that all figured out, thanks for asking", then change the subject and keep it changed no matter how much they try to bring you back to the wedding.

pink34562000

Get married in a neutral area such as a garden, movie theater, ranch, etc. You can even represent both religions by having 2 religious leaders perform the ceremony.

Calypso1977

Get married in a neutral area such as a garden, movie theater, ranch, etc. You can even represent both religions by having 2 religious leaders perform the ceremony.

not possible for the catholic.

if you are planning as you say to raise your kids catholic, then to me this is a no brainer.  while you can raise your kids catholic without a valid marrige, its certainly harder (i.e., "mom why cant you receive communion with us?").  its hard to instill teh tenets of the faith if you arent living them yourself.

monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_severe-religionculture-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:8ff820f4-32c3-4327-aa62-e7a06f6385d0Post:e18bce3e-006c-4f2b-9431-f4cf8d8cabdb">Re: Severe Religion&Culture Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]OP - <strong>Since you are Catholic and marrying in the Church, I would recommend going to speak with your priest about this issue.  Hopefully, he will have dealt with something similar in the past.  He could assist you in getting a dispensation to have your ceremony somewhere other than in a Catholic Church.  It would still need to be presided over by a priest, but you could have the ceremony anywhere that is indoors.  And it would keep you in good standing with the Church.</strong> And if you and FI are paying for the wedding yourselves.  Then just go ahead and plan what the two of you want and stop worrying about what your families think.  Send out the invites when the time comes, but otherwise, don't talk about the wedding with your families.  Just use the generic "We have that all figured out, thanks for asking", then change the subject and keep it changed no matter how much they try to bring you back to the wedding.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

THIS.  You CAN get a dispensation from your priest to marry elsewhere, possibly even a temple, if you can give good reason why it's important to your FI to marry there.  It IS possible for interfaith couples to find some kind of balance, but you need to go through the proper channels.

If neither of you were very religious, then I would also say just marry somewhere secular.  A park, Vegas, a theater, etc. 

But if either of you intend on practicing your religion, or raising your kids as such, then make sure you talk to your respective ministers (priest, rabbi) and make it official.  I don't think throwing away your good standing with your faith should be taken lightly... only if you really just don't care to practice (and if you really aren't practicing, it's honestly better for you not to marry in a house of worship).

Either way, this is YOU and YOUR FIANCE'S decision.  Not the families'.  Try to work out the best ceremony that both of you can be happy with, then invite the families.  If they really care, they will come either way.

melb2013

I'm going through something very similar.  If I could go back in time and change things, I would elope.  It's not worth it.  I feel like the more I compromise the more other people want.  It gets crazy.  Having a grand party is not worth the headache.

DiannaLawley2Be

Again, thanks for all the advice! It really helps give us different ideas and all...

We are going to try to have the whole 2 ceremonies thing an then have one big reception at the end, though that will be its own headache with albanian vs russian traditions but I am sure it ill be much more easy to agree on that rather than the ceremony part! thanks for all the encouragement

Calypso1977

teh catholic cannot have a second wedding ceremony performed in another faith.

you really need to consult with your priest to work through some of these issues.

grizzly04

Why don't you hold your wedding at a neutral venue and have both religions come together. I am very well away of the temple and the church and how both strongly believe that a marriage must be done inside the building, but again, you have to meet in the middle. My fiance and both agreed that we are going to have different elements to the wedding, and I have even seen one were they had two separate ceremonies. It was very nice and everyone was happy. You do what is right for you and don't listen to the whole religion drama. My Grandmother cane unglued when she found out the my fiance is Lutheran - Missouri Synod, but that has not stopped me. I guess I was lucky with my parents because they told me as long as my husband treats me well, they don't care what religion he is as long as he believes in a God and it is not a cult. My parents could not get married in Germany where my mom is from and my dad was stationed there. They had to fly to the U.S. to my dad's little hometown in Iowa, and they still had to lie about my mom's religion. My parents have made it work for over twenty years and they survived the military for twenty years too. You have to put your foot down now about this or else it is going to be a nightmare when you have children. My fiance's pastor was trying to push me to join the church and I put my foot down, told him why it was a no, and he respected that. You can't have the families push you around like that or else it will not get better.

eminemlvr

I am in the same exact situation!!! How did everything work out for you?? I would love any advice you can give! I am 100% Albanian Catholic and my FI is Russian Jewish, his mom wants us to get married in a temple, and I want to get married in a Church. I would love any advice!!

Jen4948

eminemlvr said:

I am in the same exact situation!!! How did everything work out for you?? I would love any advice you can give! I am 100% Albanian Catholic and my FI is Russian Jewish, his mom wants us to get married in a temple, and I want to get married in a Church. I would love any advice!!

This is a very old thread, so I'd start a new thread.