Living together vs. waiting

puppetrick

How many of you lived together with your "other person" before you got married? We are living separately until the big day comes - no sweat off our backs, but a lot of people interrogate us and "can't believe it." Just wondering who waited and who didn't/isn't...

whitney37354

We were just 20 years old, still in college, & living with our parents when we got married. 

Ven&Radio

My wedding is still over a year away, but I've been living with my fiancee for almost 3 years now.  We had a long-distance (~600 mil) relationship for nearly two years.  So when he moved to be with me, it didn't make sense to have two separate residences.

fpaemp2011

We didn't live together until we got married.  DH was 1200 miles away the last 4 months of our engagement, but I was finishing school and he had a full-time job offer.  But even if he had lived closer, we wouldn't have lived together.

DeannaCW

We're not. The closest we'll ever come is me using his parents' house (where he lives) as a permanent address when I was living over there and they gave me my own room in the house.

I still don't understand why it's such a shock to people to not live together. It's how it's been done for all of history up until recently. Plus couples who live together before marriage have higher rates of divorce...

puppetrick

Thanks for your answers! I simply like seeing where others stand - I feel as if I'm in a minority "waiting" until we get married. My FI and I had a long distance relationship as well - about 1000 miles - for about 2 years; he's currently moved up here to be nearer to me, but he's living with a colleague. No problems at all either - I'm fine with it, except for the confused looks and my having to explain WHY we chose this.

mbuckley85

It think waiting is great, it just wouldn't have worked for us.  FI needed to get out of his parents house because they were driving him crazy!  It worked out financially for us to have him here with me.

We started dating 11/2010 and he moved in 3/2011.  We are getting married 10/2012.

roseofdeborah

Waiting didn't work for us. We were basically living together since we got engaged paying 2 rents and staying in 1 place didn't make sense. We had a relatively short engagement anyways.

random4180

We've been living together for a little over two years. We moved in together for financial reasons mostly (it's pretty difficult to live on your own in NYC without spending a small fortune!) I wouldn't consider it odd if someone chose not to live with their significant other but I also wouldn't judge a couple that chooses to move in together. That whole "couples who live together are more likely to divorce" stat gets rolled out ad nauseum, lol.

DramaGeek

We did not live together until we got married.  I lived with roommates and H lived with his parents until our wedding day.

lulu4150

We've been living together for about a year, dating about three.  Before FI I lived with another bf and good thing we did because it showed us we would never work.  About 6 months after we moved in together we broke up.  I definitely think if we hadn't done that my life would be completely different!...I'd be the poor girl married to him! LOL

tlc35

We probably aren't going to live together first but I'm not opposed to it.  Logistically we live and work in cities about 70 miles apart and we each own places.  I can't sell my house till next spring due to the 1st time homebuyers credit and we are planning on my changing jobs to one in his city and having the wedding/honeymoon in that interval so we can go on a good trip so that is just how it works out.

Spunky414

We will have lived together for 2 years by the time we are married, we also basically lived together while in college, sharing cooking/cleaning responsibilities and even though we had separate rooms we didn't really use them so that's another 2 years. I wanted to know what I was getting into. The divorce stat is flawed as well, people who are liberal enough to live together pre-marriage are more likely to be ok with divorce. The stat only holds true for people who fall into living together for convenience rather than it being the next step in the relationship.

Simply Fated

Most people about my age and younger has suggested to me that we should live together. Everyone older than us told me I should wait. (We're in our early 30's)
I think, in the end, it'll be a "what ever happens, happens," situation.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:f3f0089f-67a8-4ba8-b9ff-8a4d9d56f3b5">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]We're not. The closest we'll ever come is me using his parents' house (where he lives) as a permanent address when I was living over there and they gave me my own room in the house. I still don't understand why it's such a shock to people to not live together. It's how it's been done for all of history up until recently. <strong>Plus couples who live together before marriage have higher rates of divorce...</strong>
Posted by DeannaCW[/QUOTE]

<div>This is absolutely not true.  The study that showed that (back in the 70's-80's) was noted to be skewed because there were a disproportionate number of people on 2nd and 3rd marriages in the "live together first" sample.  (Repeat marriages have a much higher statistical rate of divorce than first marriages.)  </div><div>
</div><div>Updated studies have shown the opposite: the rate of divorce is lower for couples that live together first.  </div>

Mishe+Neo

We aren't living together until we're married. Some of our friends who chose to live together before they got married say, "Aw how cute." (sometimes with sarcasm). Stick to your guns when you come across people who want to criticize. Your choice is your choice.

morenachica110

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:b0196ebf-261f-404d-8486-5a3d16725437">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]We lived together for about 5 years before we got married. I liked (and still like) living with him.<strong> It was nice to get a chance to learn his quirks around the house and make sure we didn't drive each other nuts. I feel like being married is a big change, and for me it would have been overwhelming if in addition to being married I was moving and getting a new roommate.</strong>
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>This. There was a lot (and I mean A LOT) of changes when we moved in together. By the time of the wedding we'll have already lived together for almost 5 years.</div>

Summer2011Bride

We lived together for 2 years before marrying. It was the absolute best decision for us, and I'm so glad we did it. It made financial sense (we knew we were going to get married, I was paying rent on my own and he wanted to get out of his parents' house). Plus we got to learn each others' habits and quirks before getting married. Not that I thought anything would come out when living together that would be a deal breaker, but I'm glad we got all of the "kinks" worked out before we got married. I definitely don't look down on those who choose to wait, but I don't think those who choose to move in together should get looked down on either (not implying you are OP, just  general comment).

jmp2004

We aren't waiting, but I moved almost 800 miles to be with him after graduating school.  Plus I didn't have a job and we bought a house.

DramaGeek

I'm curious, what changes did marriage bring for those of you who lived together beforehand?  I've heard several people say that but not having done it, I have a hard time understanding what other changes there would be.

GoodLuckBear14

We lived together for about a year before we got married.  He had already bought a house here when I joined him.  There was no point in wasting money on rent.

rakle99

We didn't live together before we were married and I wouldn't have had it any other way. We chose not to live together for religious reasons (but it is not a life goal of ours to make sure everyone else follows suit). It strengthened our relationship, and made the whole concept of marriage much more meaningful for us. It was extremely tough in the beginning getting used to each other, but the fact that we were married and there was no way out just made us more resigned to figure out a way to make it work rather than butt heads all the time.

Miss_2010

We dated for a year and a half then we moved in together.  Again, it just didn't make sense financially and plus we are in our 30's and financially stable.  I was engaged before my current FI and we had not lived together, thankfully, it all ended before the house closed anyhow. 

rlavach

We didn't live together before either. For us, it was our religious beliefs. I 100% understand & agree to the reasoning behind it, so that is what we did. I will say that it makes the first few weeks/months of marriage difficult because not only are you getting used to your new spouse, but also to living with him/her. It's a whole new ball game. It hasn't been easy.

calliopeia2013

In Response to Re:Living together vs. waiting:[QUOTE]I'm curious, what changes did marriage bring for those of you who lived together beforehand? nbsp;I've heard several people say that but not having done it, I have a hard time understanding what other changes there would be. Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

Well, I'm not married yet, but I can say that we don't expect our marriage toa change anything. We will have lived together for about three years when we get married, and the big change was when we got engaged. For us, that was when we promised to each other to spend the rest of our lives together, and it made things feel permanent and much more stable, and like we could start planning for the future. We want to get married for the legal and social benefits, and the recognition by our family and friends, but we don't expect it to make a huge difference in our lives.

[Deleted User]

Our rule was and still is, if you choose to live together prior, we do not pay for the wedding

HobokensFury

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:b0196ebf-261f-404d-8486-5a3d16725437">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]We lived together for about 5 years before we got married. I liked (and still like) living with him. It was nice to get a chance to learn his quirks around the house and make sure we didn't drive each other nuts. I feel like being married is a big change, and for me it would have been overwhelming if in addition to being married I was moving and getting a new roommate.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]



This exactly. We lived together for a year and a half before we got married. Adjusting to married life and living together for the first time would have been too much change for us.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:0ce97674-8d5d-4eaf-b950-8b1618ddc7c2">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together vs. waiting : This is absolutely not true.  The study that showed that (back in the 70's-80's) was noted to be skewed because there were a disproportionate number of people on 2nd and 3rd marriages in the "live together first" sample.  (Repeat marriages have a much higher statistical rate of divorce than first marriages.)   Updated studies have shown the opposite: the rate of divorce is lower for couples that live together first.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

This!  I HATE when people use the "well, people who live together first have a higher divorce rate" thing.  No, they don't...and by using that line just makes me think that people are trying to be self-righteous and justify their own actions (whether that's how it was intended or not, that's how it reads). 

You want to live together first?  Great!  You don't?  Great!  But FFS stop trying to justify your decision by judging others' and quoting an extremely antiquated and incorrect statistic.

amymaysa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:1051d39a-c0c1-4c00-b220-0eed703e3261">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together vs. waiting : This!  I HATE when people use the "well, people who live together first have a higher divorce rate" thing.  No, they don't...and by using that line just makes me think that people are trying to be self-righteous and justify their own actions (whether that's how it was intended or not, that's how it reads).  You want to live together first?  Great!  You don't?  Great!  But FFS stop trying to justify your decision by judging others' and quoting an extremely antiquated and incorrect statistic.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

I agree with this completely!

HobokensFury

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:1fcae76b-5876-4d66-bf3b-4ffebbc5041e">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm curious, what changes did marriage bring for those of you who lived together beforehand?  I've heard several people say that but not having done it, I have a hard time understanding what other changes there would be.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]



None except my last name and his health insurance . It however has been a peaceful 3.5 months which is nice when you're a newlywed. We did fight a lot when we first move in together because of having to share space, dividing chores and a general getting used to each other. I would not want this stress after the wedding. But that's just me.

harpsdesire

My FI and I planned not to move in together before hand for a variety of reasons, but now it looks like the logistics of trying to get places to live, move, plan the wedding etc are going to mean that we will move in together about 1 month before the wedding.

It's hard to move cross country and get a new job and a new house and a new husband all at the same time!