Living together vs. waiting

chalfacre

By the time we are married, we will have lived together for over 4 years. It's a decision I have never regretted.

princessro07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:4d36e7ee-6cb9-4e82-974d-2f55aa3a16cb">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together vs. waiting : Yep.  The other skewing factor is finances (as in the 1996 study done by the National Institute for Marriage, the one most people site).  Poor people are more likely to cohabit before marriage to save money.  Poor people are also more likely to divorce due to finances (regardless of if they lived together first or not), so when you pull very general statistics, yes, the number of people who cohabit and divorced is/was higher than the number of people who did and divorced.  HOWEVER, the number of impoverished couples who divorce is higher than the number of financially stable couples who do, regardless of pre-maritial living arrangements.  Ergo, if you're poor and wait to move in together, you are STILL more likely to get a divorce than a well-off couple who lives together before marriage. Correlation does not equal causation.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Actually, the newest study I could find on cohabitation (2009) showed a higher incidence of both marital dissatisfaction and divorce among those couples who cohabitated before being engaged.  It also broke it down into why they cohabitated, with couples that did it with the mindset of "testing" the relationship having a higher incidence of both.</div><div>
</div><div>Now, clearly this is correlation and not causation, and not all couples that cohabitate will ever divorce.  We have decided not to live together first, but I am not trying to judge those who choose to cohabitate before marriage/engagement; it's very much a personal decision.  If anyone has a link to a study that proves the reverse (I didn't do a long search, but the one article that cited such a study proved incorrect once I clicked the link to check), I would love to see it.  It's just interesting.</div><div>
</div><div>For reference, the article I read summarizing the 2009 study:  <a href="http://www.livescience.com/5561-prenuptial-cohabiting-spoil-marriage.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.livescience.com/5561-prenuptial-cohabiting-spoil-marriage.html</a></div><div>The actual study, with an abstract that seems consistent with what the article stated (the PDF isn't free):  <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/23/1/107/" rel="nofollow">http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/23/1/107/</a></div>

NovaMetzler

My fiance and I have lived together for over a year now, we got engaged in March and won't be married until October of 2013. We wanted to be together and have our own space - we each had roomates when we met. It was the best decision for us, we love living together! We used to go out all the time to have privacy and alone time, now we can just sit at home and be happy and have our lives together. I remember the night before we moved into our awesome loft, we had Chinese food on the floor and almost locked ourselves on the balcony!
Our lives together started the night we met, I can't imagine having to wait so long to wake up next to my wonderful man! I don't expect any changes once we're married, we will still be happy, we will still have pancakes on Sunday mornings, we will still watch our black and white tv shows, and we will still be madly in love

I think 'to each their own'. If you want to wait, excellent! Its really no one's decision other than you and your fiance's. Don't let other people's opinions sway your own - do what is best for you two and you two only!

jennipea382

FI and I have lived together for about a year. We decided to do it mostly for financial reasons. It didn't make sense to us to both have our own apartments when we'd probably spend most of our time at each other's places. We had already talked about getting engaged before even talking about moving in together, so marriage was already in the plan. We got engaged like 2-3 weeks after moving into the apartment. I enjoy it, but there's definitely some downfall. We get annoyed with each other sometimes, especially with cleaning. But that would have happened after marriage too. But even with our annoyances with each other, it's so nice to have our place, and kind of "ease" into our life together. We're still figuring things out but I think we're doing pretty well :-)

As for what's changing, there are a few things. My last name, filing taxes, insurance, starting a family, lots of things. And the nice thing IMO is that we have all that craziness of moving in together out of the way already, so it's one less thing to deal with.

I don't really have a strong opinion on what people should do. For us, it worked. But for other people it's important not to. I don't really care, as long as they're happy!

NOLAbridealmost

We moved in together before getting engaged.  To me, we did it because it just made sense financially.  Because we weren't married, there was not a whole lot of pressure for the living situation to work out.  If it turned out we hated living together we could break up and move on.  When you're married it's much harder to do that if you decide that you are not compatible living in the same place.  

Being married changed our relationship profoundly despite having lived together for many years.  It's harder to leave a marriage than simply move out of a house and break up with someone--both pragmatically and emotionally.  Our families treat us differently now that we're married.  It's easier to commit to something like buying a pet, having a child, making a big purchase, etc.   There's no pussy-footing around making plans for the future because we've made the commitment to be in each other's lives forever. 

monkeysip

I think there are a lot of legitimate reasons to move in together before marriage, so I'm not criticizing any one's choices, but I think you do need to be careful with the "Test drive" mentality that leads *some* (not all, or even most really) couples to move in together.

People are not cars, and it's not smart to move in together to "test" your compatibility.  No one who would leave their spouse because the other won't pick up their clothes or something was really committed in the first place.  Whether you live together first or not, there will always be surprised in your marriages and new challenges that arise.  Nothing can prepare you for it, so you have to be committed enough to deal with whatever problems come your way.  That's what makes a successful marriage, not whether you lived together or not before.

FI and I are not living together before marriage, but we will have been dating for 10 years when we get married, and we've been through many serious challenges together and have overcome them together.  I'm not worried about little surprise challenges from moving in together after the wedding.

Like I said, there are other good reasons couples move in together.  Most probably just see it as the next step in their commitment, and that's totally fine.  I just hate it when I hear people (not anyone here) say things like, "you wouldn't buy a car without test driving..."  Yuck.

prymar08

I feel that if you are going to tie the knot and proclaim to be with one person for the rest of your life, you should pretty much know them inside and out, and love them for both their virtues and their flaws. The easiest way you learn this is by living with them. 

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:5bf9e9a0-bbf5-4073-b764-8a123121aacd">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]We moved in together before getting engaged.  To me, we did it because it just made sense financially.  Because we weren't married, there was not a whole lot of pressure for the living situation to work out.  If it turned out we hated living together we could break up and move on.  When you're married it's much harder to do that if you decide that you are not compatible living in the same place.   Being married changed our relationship profoundly despite having lived together for many years.  It's harder to leave a marriage than simply move out of a house and break up with someone--both pragmatically and emotionally.  Our families treat us differently now that we're married. <strong> It's easier to commit to something like buying a pet, having a child, making a big purchase, etc.   There's no pussy-footing around making plans for the future because we've made the commitment to be in each other's lives forever. 
</strong>Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

I was married once before and we did not live together. We separated in less than 6 months because he was immature and financially irresponsible, both things I could have found out if I had lived with him first. He had a good paying job, seemed to have his head on straight, etc but when we were married I found out it all had been an eloborate lie that I would have found out sooner living with him. His mom took care of all his finances and gave him money and when we were married he could no longer stay on his parents bills and never had paid a bill before in his life and his mom had covered his cheating. It led to my financial ruin and a pretty nasty divorce.

Currently, FI and I live together and I love it. We really did not have much of a choice. I lost my house last year and literally only had the clothes on my back. We moved in with his dad for about a month before started renting a house in November. He was talking marriage but we were able to figure out back in December he wasnt ready. He moved back in with his dad for awhile while he sorted out his priorities and I sorted out mine and were able to work back into living together. If we had been married, we would not have had the freedom to work out our differences. Our relationship has never been stronger, and I fall more in love with him everyday. I work crazy hours, so the only way we really get to see each other is if we live together.

There will be a lot of changes when we become married, I will take his last name, he will be on my benefits, there will be more "us" decisions, it will be easier to commit to children and a house, etc.

JennyR01

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:0e122a7a-6c27-491a-ac6d-599214e92af0">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]We will have lived together for 2 years by the time we are married, we also basically lived together while in college, sharing cooking/cleaning responsibilities and even though we had separate rooms we didn't really use them so that's another 2 years. I wanted to know what I was getting into.<strong> The divorce stat is flawed as well, people who are liberal enough to live together pre-marriage are more likely to be ok with divorce. The stat only holds true for people who fall into living together for convenience rather than it being the next step in the relationship.
</strong>Posted by Spunky414[/QUOTE]

I was just having that convo with my FI the other day!  All these year my mom had thrown that statistic at me, and I never thought about it, but it is so obvious!  My guy was married before, and would never consider marriage without living together first.  It was a huge step for me, but I don't regret it at all.  Nor do I think we are on the fast track for divorce just because we've been living together for a couple of years before the wedding. (And Mom has come around, too, since she's seen how well we are living together.)

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:8be95794-9912-42d7-bc5c-0a81060e2757">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your answers! I simply like seeing where others stand - I feel as if I'm in a minority "waiting" until we get married. My FI and I had a long distance relationship as well - about 1000 miles - for about 2 years; he's currently moved up here to be nearer to me, but he's living with a colleague. No problems at all either - I'm fine with it, <strong><font color="#800080">except for the confused looks and my having to explain WHY we chose this. :)</font></strong>
Posted by puppetrick[/QUOTE]

Why do you feel obligated to explain your choice?  Neither your living situation or the reason for that choice is anyone's business but your own.  The next time someone asks, change the subject.  If they persist, tell them it's personal.  That should end the conversation.

[Deleted User]

We're waiting but honestly it's not because we want to! I'm still at home living rent free while I finish up school and find a job. FI has graduated college and is searching for a higher paying job. We're saving up to get our first place together. We're pretty much chomping at the bit to live together already but for now we just have to wait.

princessro07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:55a79306-fda9-4d22-8b1b-185fb9ec28f1">Re:Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Living together vs. waiting: People also wouldn't like leave a nonspouse for those things either id they were truly commited, so if they do, they are still right to not marry. But hoarding, financial irresponsibility, excessive anger outbursts over the fact that YOU leave clothes on the floor, an addiction to Internet porn/sex chat? Those are all legitimate issues that can definitely end a relationship and are easy to hide when you don't live together. I don't care if people choose to cohabit or not, but don't act like me deciding that moving in with someone to truly test our long term compatibility is flippant or reduces DH to a car. It's methodical and responsible, and if it's not for you, fine. But I've avoided at least one divorce and a lot of emotional and financial pain by insisting on living together first, so don't get all high and mighty on me for it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Those legitimate reasons you state are not only discoverable by living together.  It may make it easier/quicker to find out, but you can still learn those things without living together.  I'm the sort of person that believes a marriage requires committment just as much as love, and committment is a decision you make every day.  I think testing long-term compatibility is unnecessary, but if that works for you, that's fine.  Each person is different and each relationship is different.  If living together worked for you, great.  But that's not the only way to know someone and to figure out if you can live with them forever.

</div>

aragx6

FI and I have lived together for 7 years. I would never have done otherwise, but we've really considered ourselves common law married (even though that's not legal in our state) for the better part of 5 years (since we graduated from college and moved to Chicago together).

WalkersFurMama

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:0ce97674-8d5d-4eaf-b950-8b1618ddc7c2">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together vs. waiting : This is absolutely not true.  The study that showed that (back in the 70's-80's) was noted to be skewed because there were a disproportionate number of people on 2nd and 3rd marriages in the "live together first" sample.  (Repeat marriages have a much higher statistical rate of divorce than first marriages.)   Updated studies have shown the opposite: the rate of divorce is lower for couples that live together first.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]<div>
<div>Thank you! I am so sick of people throwing this statistic at me and FH. It get's exhausting. </div><div>
</div><div>We have been together for four years, living together for three. Our wedding is exactly one year from today. </div></div>

Soon2BeMrsTing

We did not live together prior to the wedding. I wouldn't change a thing.

I agree that it's a personal choice, and not something you should feel you have to explain to others.  The factors that play into the decison are personal to you.  H and I made a decision based on our personal convictions, and it's worked for us.  I wouldn't seek an explanation from anyone else about their choice, nor do I feel the need to defend my own. 

cosmogirlWed144626

It's important for each couple to do what works for them!  If you are morally opposed to living together before marriage, then don't do it.  If someone makes a snarky remark, he/she is not a friend.

Many couples do find that living together first makes sense for them.

My DH and I lived together for 12 years before we got married.  I wasn't in a rush (to say the least)!

AnnieU13

My fiance and I have been engaged for almost 6 months and we stil arent getting married for another year. He has his own house but I am still living in a rental house owned by my parents. He REALLY has been persistent in trying to get me to move in, and I want to, but my parents are very old fashioned and think that we should wait until after the wedding to move in together. I am still in college but moving in with him wouldn't change anything in our relationship since I spend almost every night with him anyways. I'll probably move in sometime this fall..

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:15208275-b9e5-41e9-920a-536527a56e35">Re:Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Living together vs. waiting : <strong>Those legitimate reasons you state are not only discoverable by living together.  It may make it easier/quicker to find out, but you can still learn those things without living together.</strong>  I'm the sort of person that believes a marriage requires committment just as much as love, and committment is a decision you make every day.  I think testing long-term compatibility is unnecessary, but if that works for you, that's fine.  Each person is different and each relationship is different.  If living together worked for you, great.  But that's not the only way to know someone and to figure out if you can live with them forever.
Posted by princessro07[/QUOTE]

Well, I dated my ex-H for 5 years and knew him since high school. And I did not learn that he was an abusive, alcoholic, immature, financially irresponsible jerk until after we were married and moved in together. I am not sure how I could have found it out any other ways. I'm with the above poster, you were pretty disrespectful to us that live with our FIs. I used to be like you, but I learned a very, very hard lesson. I hope you never learn my lesson, sincerely I do, but do not say I am less commited to my FI because of my decision to protect myself.

reignbows_92

We are living together now (wedding is 4-20-13). I think it is something that works for some people and doesn't for others. For us, it is nice, because we already know what it's going to be like. And we know we can live together and still get along. I guess it was almost like a trial marriage (we moved in together before we were engaged, but after we had started talking about maybe getting married someday).

melisal07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:19f0bcaa-528e-48b2-b9e6-b68fe5396662">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]We are living together now (wedding is 4-20-13). I think it is something that works for some people and doesn't for others. For us, it is nice, because we already know what it's going to be like. And we know we can live together and still get along. I guess it was almost like a trial marriage (we moved in together before we were engaged, but after we had started talking about maybe getting married someday).
Posted by reignbows_92[/QUOTE]

We have lived together since we started dating. yes i know it's taboo but it was a situational thing and we have been together for 5 years. and we are getting married this october. I wouldn't have it any other way.

melb2013

We've spent about half the week living together for 3 years now, but we're not officially moving in together until 6 months before the wedding.  I get a bad reaction from a lot of people about us not living together yet, but it's usually from people who don't know us well.  My answer is always that generations past who never lived together before marriage, had a much lower divorce rate than that of us and our parents generations, who have lived together before marriage.  I personally don't think it has any baring on the success of a marriage. 

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:c2a92dbe-3b8b-4872-8fa5-2f9d1d974bcd">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together vs. waiting : Actually, the newest study I could find on cohabitation (2009) showed a higher incidence of both marital dissatisfaction and divorce among those couples who cohabitated before being engaged.  It also broke it down into why they cohabitated, with couples that did it with the mindset of "testing" the relationship having a higher incidence of both. Now, clearly this is correlation and not causation, and not all couples that cohabitate will ever divorce.  We have decided not to live together first, but I am not trying to judge those who choose to cohabitate before marriage/engagement; it's very much a personal decision.  If anyone has a link to a study that proves the reverse (I didn't do a long search, but the one article that cited such a study proved incorrect once I clicked the link to check), I would love to see it.  It's just interesting. For reference, the article I read summarizing the 2009 study:   <a href="http://www.livescience.com/5561-prenuptial-cohabiting-spoil-marriage.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.livescience.com/5561-prenuptial-cohabiting-spoil-marriage.html</a> The actual study, with an abstract that seems consistent with what the article stated (the PDF isn't free):   <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/23/1/107/" rel="nofollow">http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/23/1/107/</a>
Posted by princessro07[/QUOTE]

<div>I've seen therapists analyze this study.  They say that they feel that people who cohabitant before marriage often "fall" into marriage, instead of making a delibrate decision to do so.  I don't really believe it makes a difference either way, but you should make a decision to get married because you both want to, not just because you think you should because you already live that type of life together.</div>

RamonaFlowers

We lived together for almost 2 whole years before the wedding. We also started living like a married couple when we moved in together (Combining finances, splitting bills and chores, etc). I'm a firm believer in test-driving the car before buying it, and we both needed to be sure that we could stand living together before "breaking up" entailed hiring lawyers.

As for all the studies about "living together makes you more likely to divorce", the fact of the matter is most people who don't live together before marriage do so for religious reasons, and they don't want to "go against God". These same religious reasons usually prevent them from "going against God" and getting a divorce, even if the marriage is toxic and they really shouldn't be together, so those statistics are incredibly skewed.

MiksChick23

H & I have been together over 7 years...living together for 6.

I think there are pros and cons to cohabitating before marriage. I made the right choice for me. We accomplished a lot before we got married...three pets, bought a house, bought new cars, graduated college, etc. So it was really great that when we got married, we were already settled and can focus on the next chapter of life rather than learning to live together.

I think its important that both parties are independent enough that they can support themselves before they tie the knot, or it will be a big (and stressful) adjustment. Whether they support themselves together or on their own depends on the people.

Edit: I do like the "test driving the car" analogy. Living together successfully and happy for 6 years gives us a pretty good idea of what married life will be like and we get to avoid the bump of the "first year" which I always believed was more so for people who did not cohabitate.

nextrightthing

We live together, but we didn't until right after we got engaged. I think this is a very personal decision.  For us, he wanted to move in together early on, but I have a small child, and I wanted to make sure me and FI were 100% committed before he "became a family" with my son and I.  When there are children involved, whether you are married or not, you become a family when the SO moves in.

Prior to having a child, I have lived with and had serious relationships with three different guys....I can see both sides of the debate on this issue.  I do think people tend to not take moving in together as seriously as they probably should (I know I didn't!).  Having been through those types of break ups, despite not needing lawyers, it is still a big huge effing mess (that may end up involving lawyers).

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:b0196ebf-261f-404d-8486-5a3d16725437">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]We lived together for about 5 years before we got married. I liked (and still like) living with him. It was nice to get a chance to learn his quirks around the house and make sure we didn't drive each other nuts. I feel like being married is a big change, and for me it would have been overwhelming if in addition to being married I was moving and getting a new roommate.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

I agree.

We lived together for almost 2 years before our wedding. Originally, he moved into my apartment because I was on a lease. He always felt like it was "my" apartment and not "our" apartment.

When we got married, I was very glad 1) I didn't have to find a place to live, pack and move at the same time and 2) Neither of us had to move into the other person's place, as we had by then long been living in an apartment we found together.

Mirriande

Actually, my parents said they would happily pay for our wedding- so long as we lived together first to make sure that we click. Plus, I would rather live with him before we got married. We got engaged in 8/10, I moved in with him after being long distance for most of that time this year- 5/12, and we're getting married 12/7/13. I wouldn't poopoo someone either way. For some people, living together before hand works, for others, it doesn't. Not my place to judge. 

dotbat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:f3f0089f-67a8-4ba8-b9ff-8a4d9d56f3b5">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]Plus couples who live together before marriage have higher rates of divorce...
Posted by DeannaCW[/QUOTE]


Ugh, this drives me nuts. Some studies concluded that, but you can't just leave it at that. One needs to ask why cohabitators might be more likely to divorce. One of the strongest and most logical theories is that couples who make a point to not cohabitate often do so on religious grounds. Those same grounds likely discourage/forbid divorce. Thus the divorce rate for cohabitators may be higher, but that doesn't mean their counterparts are any happier or more successful in their marriage.

"Generations of people didn't cohabitate and the divorce rate was lower then"

Again an issue with correlation and causation. Divorce has only lost its negative stigma until recently. Its very possible that some of these couples of past generations would have gotten a divorce if society would have allowed. 

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_living-together-vs-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:970844df-3700-462b-8d37-56e05aa3e5c6Post:627dd831-4906-4536-a05a-559600dfc6bc">Re: Living together vs. waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]Our rule was and still is, if you choose to live together prior, we do not pay for the wedding
Posted by IamTheMommaOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

Good for you, momma!  I think <u>every</u> couple should pay for their own wedding.  That way, the couple cannot be pressured or cajoled into accepting compromises which take them off track and away from planning the exact wedding ceremony and celebration they want.  Plus, paying for one's own wedding sends a signal to all, "We're adults!"