How to tell Dad I don't want a father/daughter dance?

mikeyn

My parents have been married for over 30 years and they're both my biological parents.  The problem is - I'm REALLY not close with my father, and I know he's going to be a sobbing mess if we do dance.  I don't want to be cruel, and I also don't want to deny my fiance the dance with his mother... but I feel very strongly that I do not want a father/daughter dance at my wedding.  How do I break it to him?  Or should I suck it up and find the shortest song possible?

Thanks for any advice!!

ambermorley

The customs are meant to be meaningful. In my opinion, if they aren't going to be meaningful to you, you should cut it. As long as you aren't doing the mother-son dance, you don't have to do the father-daughter dance. It's both or nothing, though. If it would be really meaningful to him, though, why don't you find a more upbeat song, not something sappy.

mgietler76

I am also not doing a father/daughter because I am not at all close to my dad. I know it's tough since your FI is dancing with his mother but if your really going to be uncomfortable with it I would just break it to him easy. I got a ton of flak from people (mostly FI's family) about not wanting to dance with my dad but they don't know my relationship with him and can't understand. Stick to your guns here, but do it gently so you don't cause a bunch of hurt feelings.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_tell-dad-dont-want-fatherdaughter-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:9c77bb36-728c-4692-a65b-7b9435bda288Post:47e44463-8779-4bcd-becd-4213359f82cb">How to tell Dad I don't want a father/daughter dance?</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents have been married for over 30 years and they're both my biological parents.  The problem is - I'm REALLY not close with my father, and I know he's going to be a sobbing mess if we do dance.  I don't want to be cruel, and I also don't want to deny my fiance the dance with his mother... but I feel very strongly that I do not want a father/daughter dance at my wedding.  How do I break it to him?  Or should I suck it up and find the shortest song possible? Thanks for any advice!!
Posted by mikeyn[/QUOTE]

jeanna85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_tell-dad-dont-want-fatherdaughter-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9c77bb36-728c-4692-a65b-7b9435bda288Post:7c617c86-e384-407f-9cb4-0516929d6fe8">Re: How to tell Dad I don't want a father/daughter dance?</a>:
[QUOTE]The customs are meant to be meaningful. In my opinion, if they aren't going to be meaningful to you, you should cut it. As long as you aren't doing the mother-son dance, you don't have to do the father-daughter dance. It's both or nothing, though. If it would be really meaningful to him, though, why don't you find a more upbeat song, not something sappy.
Posted by ambermorley[/QUOTE]

I disagree that its both or nothing. You shouldn't penalize FI/FMIL just because you don't get along with your dad. If you don't have a good relationship with him, skip the dance. You don't need to feel obligated to do it just because of tradition.

SeptemberFall2011

Just tell him you do not want to dance with him.  Or do not bring it up and after your first dance go straight into the mother-son dance.

mikeyn

OH, that's a great idea, thanks!  My biggest worry is looking rude in front of my family and FI's.  If I can make it seem like "not a big deal", and skip over some of the traditional stuff, I think this will be fine.  Whew.

VRL

I'm not sure if this would be a viable option for you and your FI, but you could have one announced song where you both dance with your respective parent at the same time, while opening the dance floor for other couples to join you.

That way your FI will have his Mother/Son dance, and you won't have to deal with a spotlight dance with you father; you won't risk hurting his feelings and will likely lessen your own discomfort by not dancing alone on the dance floor.

katheriner89

Would you feel better doing a "mother/daughter" dance?
That's what I am doing.

2012JulyBride

IMO, it's your wedding and so you should do what you want. Of course if what you want is to please everyone at your wedding instead of you and your FI then you have a lot more to worry about. If he is set on Mother/Son dance but you don't want to do Father/Daughter, then don't...unless that will upset your FI. Talk with your dad, come up with a not so sappy song, make it short, OR if you can combine the two I think that would work. My sister's wedding was backyard "casual" and she danced with my dad. About half way through her husban's mom grabbed him and they joined in (but she's an AW and a very inconsiderate person).

As far as telling him, I wouldn't. I mean, if he asks then tell him. I think that if you decide to do it that you should tell him and even give him a heads up on the song.

It's your wedding, your rules.

goetzr19

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT wait until the wedding to let him know there is no dance.  That is horrible advice!   If you don't want to dance with him, you need to be up front with him about it.  It will be such a mess at the wedding if he's assuming you're doing a F/D dance, he walks up to the dance floor and looks like a fool when you don't come up there. 

It's fine if you don't want to do it, but please tell him BEFORE the wedding.

bdriley

My dad isn't in the picture and I didn't feel it was fair that my FI got a dance with his mom when I didn't got a dance with my father.  We worked out a compromise that we would do the first dance and the next dance (some time later after dinner not immediately following) he would ask his mother to dance with him.  There will be no introduction, no calling out that it's a monther/son dance but she still gets to have the second dance with him (ideally with others already on the floor).  I can't imagine every parent would be comfortable in the spotlight either so this way kind of relieves the pressure for them both and doesn't underscore the fact that one dance is missing.

bdriley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_tell-dad-dont-want-fatherdaughter-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9c77bb36-728c-4692-a65b-7b9435bda288Post:8fb1a309-a315-4f94-a96f-4d1223996f9f">Re: How to tell Dad I don't want a father/daughter dance?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to tell Dad I don't want a father/daughter dance? : Seriously?  You don't have a relationship with your father so you are robbing your FI of a special moment that he'd like to have with his mother? Aren't you sweet.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Oh chill out.  It was a mutual decision.  Don't jump to conclusions based on one sentence.  If you finish reading you'll see he still gets his special moment.  If you feel that its only special if it's public then you have some vanity issues.

Champ2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_tell-dad-dont-want-fatherdaughter-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:9c77bb36-728c-4692-a65b-7b9435bda288Post:478e1088-13bf-4c58-a5af-35555ab5e714">Re: How to tell Dad I don't want a father/daughter dance?</a>:
[QUOTE] We worked out a compromise that we would do the first dance and the next dance (some time later after dinner not immediately following) he would ask his mother to dance with him.  There will be no introduction, no calling out that it's a monther/son dance but she still gets to have the second dance with him (ideally with others already on the floor).  I can't imagine every parent would be comfortable in the spotlight either so this way kind of relieves the pressure for them both and doesn't underscore the fact that one dance is missing.
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]


My FI's mom is deceased so there's no worry about unevenness, but my dad is terrrrribly shy so this is how I'm handling our father-daughter dance.  Not even the second dance, just a special song in the playlist later in the evening.