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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
HTB won't go to premarital counseling.....
The pastor I want and like requires premarital counseling. He is the pastor at MIL's church where I occasionally attend. I'm not crazy about marriage counseling either but I want someone that means something to me to marry us and it can't hurt. My HTB refuses to go and he told MIL we would only go with the pastor if the marraige counseling wasn't required. She told him that she'd talked to the paster and he said that we didn't have to do but he told me it is a requirement. Now HTB feels like his mom was trying to trick him and I'm stuck in the middle! Any advice?!
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Re: HTB won't go to premarital counseling.....
I'd be concerned about what your FI is afraid of, myself. His refusal to go with you would make me think twice about this.
Maybe explain that it's a simple way to evaluate how you communicate and interact, and to get an objective view on ways that you guys can work together better as a couple? The fact that he's refusing to go to counseling just proves more that he needs it. He should be learning to work with you and respect your views, just as you will have to do the same for him one day.
I wish you all the best luck in this hun
You only go when the relationship is broken, and you are expected to open up your innermost personal thoughts and secrets.
The point for most ministers, is to encourage couples to open up to each other, and talk about important issues with each other.
It does invade a person's privacy, greatly, to discuss personal , intimate things in front of a 3rd party.
If HTB does not feel any personal connection with the church or the pastor, it is entirely reasonable for him to refuse.
He may feel about this the way you would if your boss from work was invited to observe, while standing between your spread legs, at a GYN pelvic exam.
Sure, you may relate to the man at work, just as your HTB respects this man as a leader of his Mom's church.
But when what you are asking is for someone to tiptoe through his mind/ personal feelings, it is unfair to make mandatory such a thing.
It is reasonable for you to want a way to communicate functionally when married. Another situation, another counsellor, or even doing a workbook exercise leading you to talk with each other, would be a reasonable compromise for him to make.
But for someone like his mother to say - not required and lead him on, basically a lie, then tell him he must do it? Unfair.
Find another church, or a venue, that does not require it. As his FI / wife there are many things he owes you, including working on things if problems arise.
But preventive measures are optional. Husbands and wives are entitled to their own personal thoughts, and religious practices and beliefs. This is something you may ask, not require.
In a way, you have learned some things about your HTB.
This does not mean that he does not want to marry you. He is rejecting someone dictating his religious practices, specifically, this church pastor.
Find someplace else. He is too old for Mommy to say, now open up for the doctor, he is just trying to help.
You need to get to the bottom of your FI's refusal to go through with this. That's a gigantic red flag.
This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
[QUOTE]I would worry about why he's refusing. That sends up a red flag to me. If he's not willing to put in a little effort now, while your relationship is great, how is he going to be down the line when you have a problem?
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
100% agree with this. What happens when you hit a pothole and need help? Is he going to refuse to work for it then, too?
Planning Bio-Updated 3/11 with groomsmen attire
http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033
Look over it, have your FI look over it, and explain that this is the kind of things you'll be discussing in pre-marital counseling. I agree that if he refuses to communicate about this, it is a red flag.
40/112
Some people don't need or want premarital counsling for various reasons. If you both do not want to do it then that is fine since it was a mutual agreement.
If he still refuses to go and you would like to this is a Red Flag! An old friend got married several years ago and they did not end up doing premarital counsling. He refused to do it even though she wanted to (it was also strongly advised since it was a whirlwind romance). All the bms got strange vibs from him so we did a background check and found nothing. So everyone felt ok but me (this ended up causing drama for years to come). Turns out the guy was abusive (sexually, mentally, and emotionally) and he tried cutting all her ties with friends and family. He was very manipulative and an alcoholic. She eventually saw the light (when he got arested for salisiting to a minor while at work/ abusing his power) and got the curage to seperate from the guy (they are still legally married and Still "trying to work things out"). This is a worst case sanario.
Good luck. You will be fine.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HTB won't go to premarital counseling..... : 100% agree with this. <font color="#0000ff">What happens when you hit a pothole and need help? Is he going to refuse to work for it then, too?
</font>Posted by duckie1905[/QUOTE]
The flip side of this arguement is:
you call AAA and then a repair garage when you get a broken axle. You do not call them to check out every road you will ever drive, just in case someone foresees the possibility you might have a problem next month or 3 years from now.
While I personally see a place for pre-marital counseling, especially for people with very different social, religious, and cultural backgrounds, I do not think it should be forced on anyone who does not want it.
Certainly not with a condition, do it or you cannot marry in this church.
you call AAA and then a repair garage when you get a broken axle. You do not call them to check out every road you will ever drive, just in case someone foresees the possibility you might have a problem next month or 3 years from now.
You don't call to check everything out on your car but you do change your oil, check your fluids, and perform routine maintenance to avoid future problems...sure if you don't do this it doesn't mean that you will have problems for sure but don't you want to do everything you can in the beginning to avoid costly problems in the end?? That's what PM counseling is..doing what you can to avoid problems later and making it work the best it can! Just something to think about! Good luck
(by the way, my fiance and I didn't want to go either but it ended up being pretty fun and made us discuss things that we had never thought of to discuss before despite being together for 5 years and living together for 3)
But it was not with a pastor we would necessarily ever see again.
And no one required it of me - I thought it might give me some insight into Catholic doctrine, and marrying someone raised Catholic, it seemed a good idea.
It was not coerced - as in - Mom wants you to marry in this church, and spouse to be will be upset if you can't marry in this particular church with this pastor. And pastor will not marry you without it.
I see no mention the OP says she would want any pre-marital counseling if not to satisfy this pastor.
Counseling not entered into willingly is useless.
I find any religious requirement that is coerced to be offensive.
So I guess we will have to disagree.
The biggest red flag I see here, one destructive to a relationship and to a marriage, is that OP is willing to twist her FI's arm to do this which he does not want, just so she can marry in this church, which is not even her own. She only "occasionally" attends and calls it Mother's church, not even her own.
She clearly says, she is not particularly pro counseling - just "it can't hurt" and she likes the pastor.
One does not pressure one's FI or spouse to do something he is adamantly opposed to, which requires disclosing a lot of very personal feelings and circumstances, to have a nice man they like in a nice church marry them.
She is pressuring him for all the wrong reasons, to get something she wants, totally un-related to religious beliefs. If I were her FI, I would have serious reservations about marrying HER.
I would not consider joining a church and going through lessons in religious doctrine, or converting religions, to make DH happy, because he thought a particular priest is nice. I think OP's expectation is unfair to her FI.
Our pastor also wants premarital counceling. I was against it at first too. i felt that we have a great relationship and dont need it. we never fight, we support eachother completely, and love eachother more than anything. I told the pastor that, and he said "counseiling's not about fixing whats broken, its about maintaining what you already have. Once your relationships broken it most likely can't be fixed" tell your FI that and i bet he'll change his mind. it worked for me!