What are you changing your name to?

SMTreadway

So my FI got his panties in a budge the other day when the topic came up of me changing my maiden name to my middle name and taking his last name. He claims it's untraditional, and only what independent feminists do and that I may as well just hyphenate my last name since I don't want to take just his. Of course, he's being silly and is refusing to see my point of view, that my Mother (who passed 4 years ago) did the same thing of changing her maiden name to her middle name, and he refuses to try and understand that I am very attached to my family and I feel that my last name is part of who I am and my heritage (moreso than my middle name) and that it is very important to me to hold onto it, albeit as a middle name. Also, my sister and I are the last in the line and once we're married and gone, our family name will be gone as well. One of my points to him is that, how many people even know one's middle name? I will be known by his surname in everything we do. I have a couple friends who have done the same thing. So I'm curious as to what you've decided to do and your reasons behind it.

mjmartel

I am very close to my family and did not want to loose that part of connection. I did not want to hypenate my name because it would've been WAYYY too long. So, I am taking my current last name and making it my middle name and taking my FI's last name.

I do not think it is silly at all! It's probly more common than one would think and I believe your FI may not be seeing that it's actually starting to become more common and traditional.

mysticl

I know lots of people who make their maiden name their middle name.  Just make sure you are doing it legally.  In some states the marriage license only serves to change your last name, any other changes have to be done through the courts. 

Personally, I'm not making my last name my middle name because I am called by both my first and middle name by family and some friends.  It would be way to confusing if I changed it. 

trix1223

32 years ago when I was married, my "new" name became first name, maiden name, new last name.  64 years ago when my mom was married, her new name became first name, maiden name, new last name.

I don't think my mom chose that because she was an independent feminist.  I don't really understand why your FI is so up in arms about this. Is he always so controlling?

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_changing-name-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:dc857b47-a8d5-4c9c-aa0f-8f2d77541aa9Post:d76bc0dd-f85f-45d4-b8db-914083b1a7f0">What are you changing your name to?</a>:
[QUOTE]So my FI got his panties in a budge the other day when the topic came up of me changing my maiden name to my middle name and taking his last name. He claims it's untraditional, and only what independent feminists do and that I may as well just hyphenate my last name since I don't want to take just his. Of course, he's being silly and is refusing to see my point of view, that my Mother (who passed 4 years ago) did the same thing of changing her maiden name to her middle name, and he refuses to try and understand that I am very attached to my family and I feel that my last name is part of who I am and my heritage (moreso than my middle name) and that it is very important to me to hold onto it, albeit as a middle name. Also, my sister and I are the last in the line and once we're married and gone, our family name will be gone as well. One of my points to him is that, how many people even know one's middle name? I will be known by his surname in everything we do. I have a couple friends who have done the same thing. So I'm curious as to what you've decided to do and your reasons behind it.
Posted by SMTreadway[/QUOTE]

When I got married, I completely dropped my maiden name (I'm not that attached to it), so my name is "Jane Rose Smith" based on your poll. It's my name, I have to sign it for the rest of my life, so it was <strong>my</strong> decision. DH pretty much didn't get a say at all, nor did he want one.

However, when I was with my ex, he insisted that the <strong>only</strong> thing a woman could do was "Jane Doe Smith". Because that's what his mother and both of his grandmothers did. I'm still not sure why he was convinced "Jane Doe Smith" was what all women legally <strong>had</strong> to do to their name, but yeah, he really didn't think women were allowed to keep their names or hyphenate. My ex was an idiot.

Point being though, if that's what his grandmothers did over 60 years ago (When doing anything "untraditional" with your name was unheard of), I'm going to guess your FI doesn't actually know anything about "independent feminists". And that since it's <strong>your</strong> name, your FI doesn't get a say on what you decide to do with it.

jemmini6

i will be changing my last name and completely dropping middle name, but i am not that attached to it, nor am i the 'end of the line' so it's not a huge deal to me.  however, i see nothing wrong with making your maiden name your middle name.  i could understand him being a little more upset if you didn't want to take his name at all, but if you are planning to go by 'Jane Smith' in everyday life, i really don't see why he's making a fuss about it.  i would suggest just trying to explain your reasoning to him and if he still doesn't get it, then oh well.  he'll just have to get used to it after years of marriage...

meganyani

yeah, I'm confused as to why putting your maiden name as your middle name is NOT traditional...?? That's what all my older women relatives did, as well as my mom. Or so it is on legal documents. huh.

I don't know why he is so concerned with it, seeing as you are still taking his last name.

tldh

FI asked me if I wanted to keep my last name or hyphenate it.  If I were still in my last state where I had made my reputation in my profession, this is what I would have done.  Since I'm starting over in a new area, and in the end would like to have the same last name as my kids, I decided to take his last name and add my maiden name as a middle name: eg. Elizabeth Jane Bennett Darcy.  I'll be Mrs. Darcy but will introduce myself as Elizabeth Benentt Darcy.  All of my degrees and a Supreme Court Certificate say Elizabeth Bennett so I do need some continuity.

SMTreadway

I appreciate all the comments. Well FI called and left me a message and, after thinking it over, came to the same conclusion as many of you. That it was something important to me and if that's what I wanted, he was okay with it...he just wants me to be happy and he loves me. I think as time goes on he'll see that it is fairly common and will be more accepting of it on a personal level. Your comments will help! Thanks!

awick14

I never had even thought of this up untill now my maiden last name is 12 letters long and it is really important to me. I am thinking that this is a great way to preserve my last name. But I am wondering wouldn't that make for a weird/long middle name. Would that be weird or do you think that would be ok?

[Deleted User]

I took my husband's last name, dropped maiden last altogether.

tiffersnc

I'll be dropping my maiden name and keeping my current middle name, but that's because I hate the way my maiden name sounds backed up to FI's last name. FWIW, I don't think your FI could be more wrong about it being feminist to keep your maiden name and drop your middle. But that's neither here nor there.

Anyway ... I'm glad he cooled off after thinking about it some and let it go.  

mica178

My FI had the same reaction as yours, but ultimately, we both allowed ourselves to cool off, and he agreed that the most important thing is that we're getting married, and my middle name really doesn't matter to anyone.

tamires90

I will be dropping my middle name and keeping my maiden name as middle name and taking his name as my last name.

Lylad

I won't be changing my name.  I already have 4 names (first, middle, mom's maiden, dad's last).  To change it would require removing one of my names, which I'm not interested in doing.

kdrott

I'm glad you and your fiance came to a resolution on this.  No extra stress needed during the planning right?  )  I'm taking my fiance's last name and dropping my maiden name, but he expressed right from the beginning that it was my choice and he would respect my decision whatever it may be.  I have friends who have done every permutation you listed in your poll and I think they all had good reasons.  Good luck to you and your fiance! 

marcstacey

I am keeping my maiden name and not changing anything.  Fiancee is fine with this and if he would have made an issue out of it, he would not be the progressive, wonderful man he is. People in metropolitan areas tend not to change their name at all....it is looked at as very old school in more progressive areas.  Just my two cents -- every woman should do what she thinks is right.  And every fiancee should be able to tolerate it....our opinion matters.

aerinpegadrak

"Jane Doe Smith", as you've presented it, is extremely traditional, borderline old-fashioned.  Personally, I thought my maiden name sounded strange as a middle name, so I legally dropped it.  (If I'm ever rattling off my substantial list of middle names, it's at the end, but that's it.)  I don't feel like I'm losing part of my heritage or anything, I don't need to see my maiden name on my driver's license in order to remember where I've come from.

lilusa

FH didn't care about the whole name thing.  I don't have a middle name so I decided to take his as my middle and keep my last name.  My last name is awesome and all my law school networking is tied to my current name.

Heckulia

I've struggled with this quite a bit since getting engaged - there *is* a feminist part of me that thinks it's silly to change my name.  I especially don't like being asked to do something that my man is not willing to do... but as it turns out, my man is willing to change his.  He thinks the name change is important - so that from just hearing our names, someone will know that we're a unit, a family. I can respect that.  

His situation is a little unusual - he's completely estranged from his father, so once we're married, he is going to change his name to his mother's maiden name and carry on her name. I will take that, along with my maiden name as my middle name.

I have heard from other recently married that keeping your maiden name as your middle name is essential - what if there is somewhere where you forget to notify them of your name change?  They ask for id and you show off the "Jane Smith" driver's license and you have no proof that you are the Jane Doe on the account.  Better to have your id read Jane Doe Smith.

kakvanau

I am changing my middle name to what my last name is now and then take his last name. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_changing-name-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:dc857b47-a8d5-4c9c-aa0f-8f2d77541aa9Post:b6eda31f-e896-42ad-93c2-ee11990dc13c">Re: What are you changing your name to?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've struggled with this quite a bit since getting engaged - there *is* a feminist part of me that thinks it's silly to change my name.  I especially don't like being asked to do something that my man is not willing to do... but as it turns out, my man is willing to change his.  He thinks the name change is important - so that from just hearing our names, someone will know that we're a unit, a family. I can respect that.   His situation is a little unusual - he's completely estranged from his father, so once we're married, he is going to change his name to his mother's maiden name and carry on her name. I will take that, along with my maiden name as my middle name.<strong> I have heard from other recently married that keeping your maiden name as your middle name is essential - what if there is somewhere where you forget to notify them of your name change?  They ask for id and you show off the "Jane Smith" driver's license and you have no proof that you are the Jane Doe on the account.  Better to have your id read Jane Doe Smith.</strong>
Posted by Heckulia[/QUOTE]
I still have my driver's license with my maiden name, and for now, I keep both on me.  If it's really an issue and you don't have any of the Jane Doe ID, you can show a copy of your marriage license, or (I think) go to the SSA and request a record of the name change.  There are still plenty of ways of proving what used to be your name without somehow legally retaining your maiden name.

fianceekathryn

We just got engaged and haven't set a date yet, but I'm 90% sure I'm going to go with FirstName MiddleName HisLast. My first name and middle name are my paternal and maternal grandmother's middle names, respectively, and I'd hate to lose that connection to my maternal grandmother. I've considered not changing at all- my mother has always kept her maiden name (my parents are now divorced), and I don't want to imply that she did something "wrong" in not changing, and I'm almost 30 and I'm afraid it will be a hassle to get people to recognize me by my new name (especially professionally). But I'd really like everyone in my future family to have the same name, and it's important to my fiance (he respects that it's my decision, but he has a strong preference that I change it). It's also a big factor in my decisionmaking that my dad actually thinks I should change it, so I don't feel like i'm "rejecting" his name at all.

AriMatt789

My FI already has two middle names so I thought I should join the 4 name club. I will have my first name, current middle name, maiden name, and his last name )

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm not changing anything. I didn't ask for FI's approval and he didn't mind. I'm curious as to why YOUR name is such a big deal to your FI, but I'm glad you worked it out.

Meagan78

My mother and I both did the maiden name as middle name thing.  Your FI sounds like he is being awfully harsh!

Tessy87

My mother who is now in her sixtys turned her maiden name to her middle name, its a southern thing i think.  And traditional as far as im concerned.  You should ask him to just take your last name and neither of you will have to worry about what your middle name is.  If I didnt have a brother who has a son, i would be keeping my last name, and there would be fights over our kids last names, keeping the family going is important, whether you are the husband or the wife to be, i say go with changing it to your middle name

desert*bride

I'm curious as to why your FI takes such issue with "independent feminists." Sounds a little controlling to me. But of course I would never marry someone who doesn't believe in feminism, which of course is the "radical belief that women are people."

If you couldn't tell, I'm an independent feminist, and yes, I will be keeping my name because uh, it's my name.

becgrose

My mom also dropped her middle name and her maiden name became her middle name. I won't do that because my maiden name and new last name will sound funny together. But the older I have gotten the more I have considered it; also the older I have gotten the more I have considered not changing it at all. 

I could understand if you weren't changing it at all, some guys get really macho about that sort of thing. Your middle name (whether it be given or maiden) isn't used in the every day anyway, so I wonder if he would be upset if you wanted to change it to something random like, Trump. 

just a thought... 

Adrini76

I would have slapped him.  But I'm glad you made it work. 

I was two steps away from calling off the wedding when my FMIL assumed I would be Mrs. hislastname. I am very strongly connected to my family and never liked the tradition in the first place. In any case it's my call no make - no one else needs to even have an opinion far as I can see. The FI decided he wanted to hyphenate, his idea. He knew me well enough to know it would be an issue. Solved everything. 

I'm with the poster above. I am proud beyond measure to be a feminist. My Grand Mother was an officer in WAC. My Great Grand Mother marched with Susan B, Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Women are awesome and have every reason to be PROUD. If he has a problem with that that's all him.  

slr31

Honestly, I wish I could have hyphenated my current last name with my future one. I am fascinated with names, and being someone with a reasonably short name my whole life, I would have loved the opportunity to have a lengthy one. The only reason I'm simply changing my last name is because the two words would just sound very silly together, haha.