What are you changing your name to?

mrscheetah

i will be Jane Doe Smith. I've never liked my middle name so i'm like, good riddance to that! tell your FI that the important thing is that you're taking his name at all, since you totally don't have to.

NHeupler

My grandmother did the same thing 50+ years ago when she got married. My mom did the same thing 27+ years ago and I wouldn't exactly call either her or my grandmother a "feminist." When I get married next year my plan is to go with my first name, middle name maiden name, FI's last name.... This is just because I like my middle name so I don't want to get rid of it... I'll still be Mrs. FI’s last name so what does it matter what my "middle names" are?

Do what makes you happiest in this situation. It shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Zamphiria

Wow.
I have never ever heard of dropping your middle name in order to keep your maiden name!
I would never give-up any of my names for my FH.
36 years and counting my mother just added my father's last after her last name. No hypen or anything just simply added.
Ex: Jane R. Doe Smith.

phut_action

Yea my mom is the farthest thing from what he means by "feminist" and she changed her maiden name to her middle and took my dad's as her last. Its not that uncommon at all. One of my good friends (a bit more feminist) also did it to save her family name. 

Its your name do what you want. He'll get used to it eventually  

Is your maiden name one you can pass on as a middle name to one of your kids? One of my friend's parents did that and its kinda neat, she has a very unusual but cool middle name. 

mrstfuture

I have every intention to changing my last name and dopping my maiden name.  When I told him, he said, "Why are you doing that?  My sister kept her last name.  Why aren't you?"  To which I replied, "She made a great choice but it was her's."  Then he said,"My sister-in-law hyphenated her name.  Are you going to do that?"  When I said no I again explained that was her choice.  I was very surprised that a man would be so surprised that I would want to take his last name even though we are both in our 30's. 

nychriss

Independent feminist here. I'm not changing my name at all, so you should tell your fiancé that's what some terrible independent feminists do, and he should count his lucky stars you're rearranging your name for him at all. That being said, it's all about choice. You can be a feminist and not change your name, or change it completely (an aunt and uncle of mine gave their kids their paternal grandmother's last name, rather than simply transfer my uncle's).

I say tell your fiancé that it's up to you, since you're the one that's going to have to use the name (and who really uses their middle name anyway? the likelihood is that no one will ever know).  If he persists, tell him if he gets to rearrange your name, you get to rearrange his. Obviously, this is more of a thought experiment than anything else: ask him to think about how he would feel if he were made to change his name - something he's been known by, possibly defined by, his whole life - against his will. He may see your point of view eventually.

sabatron

No offense, but your future husband sounds like a control freak.  If he's getting this worked up about your middle name, what the heck is next? 

tuff1june

I just had a conversation about this with someone last week who has been married for a very long time.  She told me when she got married it was customary to change your maiden name to your middle name and all her sisters did this as well.  I think it would be more traditional to use your maiden name as your middle name and not feminist or whatever is being suggested by your fiance being so upset by it.  At least you aren't suggesting for him to hyphenate to your name or making up a new name all together!!!

twilight.rose

I kept my full name (first middle last) and added his last name to the end, without hyphenation. So I used the Jane Rose Doe Smith model.

Ckirwin

i'm doing Jane Rose Doe Smith, only for the purpose of legally having the same last name as our future children. i will still professionally AND socially go by Jane Rose Doe, though. i'm very attached to my name and couldn't careless if someone thinks i'm being a feminist. i'm just donig what i'm most comfortable with, and my FI respects that. and that's really all that matters. do what makes you happy!

Beverly8

I know quite a few people who have moved their maiden name to their middle name.  I dont see anything wrong with that.  Your FH will eventually come around I think and see how important this is to you.  GL

mandi921vh

I plan to keep my last name, I understand many woman take their husbands last name, but I feel like if I change my last name to his last name I am losing my identity in a way. My FI and I have realized that although we have traditional ideas about the wedding and such we have a lot of nontraditional ideas. I was surprised when he told me that he really hoped I would take his last name. (Even though I told him MANY times I wouldn't change my name when I got married soon after we started dating three years before as it came up in conversation with friends). So as of now I am not changing my name, I thought I would wait it out and see how it sounded because since we got engaged less than two weeks ago people have been calling me Mrs. HisLastName, and it sounds incredibly weird. Also people have also been saying that I am a HisLastName now which is weird to me because I get married to him and become one of HisLastName but what makes him one of MyLastName? 

The compromise is that our children will have both of our last names, luckily they sound good together and are not too long. 

littlemisssara

IMO I think it's disrespectful to your husband to NOT take his last name,  BUT I don't see an issue with changing your name to:

First name, Maiden Name, His last name.

If it's important to you to keep your maiden name as part of your name, he should try to see it from your perspective. It's not like you're getting married and insisting on not changing any part of your name. My grandmother changed her middle name because there were no brothers to carry on her maiden name. That is completely reasonable and common.

I hope you two can come to a point where you are both happy with your name decision. Best wishes dear!

christine825_us

I agree with above...
Men who are anti-feminism tend to be anti-women.  I personally wouldn't marry a jerk who thinks like that but to the original poster - good luck with him, sounds like you got yourself a real winner.

a-bride-to-be!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_changing-name-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:dc857b47-a8d5-4c9c-aa0f-8f2d77541aa9Post:82d0839f-3cf5-4717-a360-3613e0b97894">Re: What are you changing your name to?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>IMO I think it's disrespectful to your husband to NOT take his last name</strong>,  BUT I don't see an issue with changing your name to: First name, Maiden Name, His last name. If it's important to you to keep your maiden name as part of your name, he should try to see it from your perspective. It's not like you're getting married and insisting on not changing any part of your name. My grandmother changed her middle name because there were no brothers to carry on her maiden name. That is completely reasonable and common. I hope you two can come to a point where you are both happy with your name decision. <3 Best wishes dear!
Posted by littlemisssara[/QUOTE]

I must ask why you would think it's disrespectful to not take the husband's last name? I feel if the man is insistent on the woman changing her name to his, then HE is the one being disrespectful to her. I understand that there are women who will gladly change their maiden to their married name and all power to them for it's their choice, but under no circumstances should the woman feel like she's being disrespectful to her future mate by choosing to keep her name. Would it be disrespectful to the woman if HE refused to change his last name to hers if she asked him to?

(Sorry, independent feminist roaring out :) )

JadeW24

My parents are SUPER traditional, and that is exactly what my mom did when she got married to my dad ... 33 years ago.  I don't think that's feminist.  In fact, MANY cultures, that is the norm.

First name, Maiden name, Married name.

I love my whole name and dropping either my middle or maiden name makes me super sad... so I plan to just tack one more name onto the end.  No one will care but me... but that's still what I plan to do.  I think one day (soon, hopefully), your FH will see your name as yours to do with what you want.

acrichie

I've always thought that changing your existing last name to your middle name and taking your husband's last name is traditional. It's what my mother did. I am in the interesting predicament of going by my middle name. Four names seems like too much for me, and I am definitely taking my fiance's name once we're married. For legal and convenience reasons, though, I'm actually dropping my first name, moving my primary (middle) name to first, and taking my last name as my new middle name. Do your children a favor and call them by their first names. You may not know the complications of being a middle-namer, but it should be avoided. For example, I will legally look like a completely different person after I marry. I will go from being First Maiden to being Middle Last. Completely separate names. What a confusing headache!

JCM10

My grandmothers and mother both changed their middle name to their maiden name. My middle name is a family name, so I don't want to get rid of that, and am actually more attached to it than my (soon to be) maiden name. I'll either do "Jane Rose Doe Smith" or "Jane Rose Smith." My middle name is staying!

budvar1012

I'm changing mine to his, no big deal. I'll keep my middle name and drop my other married name. It's just fun to me, really.

pdreher

My opinion is do what you want.  If he leaves you over it, then you can be relieved that you didn't marry someone who didn't allow you even that much independence.
I was originally going to keep my entire name, but my fiance really wanted us (and our children) to have a shared name.  That seemed reasonable, so I'm hyphenating.  But if I had really wanted to just keep my name, I would have done it whether or not he wanted me to.  I am all for compromise, but I don't compromise on things he wouldn't- and I KNOW he wouldn't take my last name if I asked HIM

What makes tradition correct?

2dBride

Keeping your maiden name as your middle name is being an "independent feminist"?  My 80-year-old mother, who is profoundly anti-feminist, did this when she got married in 1952!

I kept my own name at my first marriage in 1977, and again at my second marriage in 2009.  As far as I'm concerned, if you don't get a say in what his name is after the wedding, he doesn't get a say in what yours is.

joymccreary

I am taking my fiancee's name.  I had sort of thought about changing my maiden to my middle name, but he calls me by both, and even has them tattooed on his arm.  He is really the only one who calls me that, so it is special.  I do have a cultural attachment to my maiden nema, but take one look at me, and you would know I'm Scottish.

ekdoxa

I chose the Jane Rose Doe Smith option, not because I am a feminist, but I am going from a fairly uncommon last name to Jones...one of the most common last names in the country.  A friend of mine had a similar problem when she married, and when she went to change her name, the lady at the DMV told her to keep the extra last name to help with identity fraud etc.  I Googled my name as it is, and then what it would be if I chose the Jane Rose Smith option...it went from 3 people that had my name, to hundreds, and I don't even have a common first name either.  I explained my reasoning to my fiance and he's cool with it.  Being a Jones all his life, he understands the problems with too many people having your same last name.

rebesta86

I talked to my FI about this a long time ago (before we were even engaged). Even though my last name is a huge part of my life and who i am right now (nickname by all co-workers and friends). I know that later in life I will want to 'grow' up beyond this part of my life. I will be dropping my madine name altogether, my friends will still call me by my last name but all formal documents will be with his last name.

 I think that if you have a great attachement to your madine name than you should keep it.

summerrose1987

I am definitely taking my intended's name.  My last name is ridiculously long (took me til third grade to learn to spell it!) and his is simple, easy-peasy "Brown".  I always wanted to have a name so simple and now I will!

I completely understand though, your wanting to stay connected with your family.  My fiance and I, when we have children, are going to start our own tradition.  All the boys will have the same middle name (a family name) and so will all the girls (also a family name).

happygirl38

I'm very lucky in that my FI is ok with whatever I do with my name.  So I think I'll add his name to mine with no hyphen.  I've never been fond of my first name and love my middle name so maybe now's the time to change that up!!! 

I'm very glad he came around, that "independent feminist" thing really had me worried for you!!!

Good luck to everyone in your name change decision!

MrsVaughnes

Personally, I don't think that should be a problem. It wouldn't be weird at all; Jane Zelienevich Smith, for instance, would be quite interesting. I personally am not legally changing my name because when my parents adopted me, they let me keep my name as a link with my father. He died when I was a baby, so that's the only connection I have. I'll be known by his name socially, but legally, I'll have my maiden name.

wph961

I am in agreement with megk8oz......its your name, so your opinion counts the most. Of course, you are getting married and planning to share everything soon, so for the sake of marital bliss it would be nice for you two to come to some sort of agreement. Does your FI realize that agreement requires compromise?

Of course, if you can't resolve this issue together things will only get hairier. What about when you have kids? What will their names be?

And anyway, whats wrong with being an independent feminist? It sounds like your man's definition of a traditional woman is one who doesn't think for herself. Are you sure you want to marry this guy?

Jangelis

Ill be keeping my original surname and adding his own at the end. No hyphen.

Your FI should thank his lucky stars that you are agreeable to adding his name on at all. You could have just decided to keep your name as is, as more and more women are opting to do these days.

Beazilla

It really shouldn't matter because it's not his name that's being changed. I agree that he sounds controlling. What's wrong with being a feminist?

If you wanted to keep your own name or even change it to something completely new, it's your decision and he should accept that without a huge blowup. Being a little hurt is ok.