Groom doesn't want bride's brother as groomsman

abbasangel35

My brother and I are 22 months apart.  I've already asked his girlfriend (now fiance) and son to be a part of the wedding.  My fiance said he has no problem with my brother, but refuses to have him as a groomsman.  He even told me to have my 24 year old brother be a ring bearer.  Family is very important to me, but not important to him.

My brother and his fiance have both expressed that if he is not in the wedding, she will not be a bridesmaid.  I've already asked my fiance's sister, and his brother will be the best man.  I'm planning on asking my sister who I'm not too close to, but is finally getting herself in better shape to hopefully be a part of my wedding.  If my brother is not a groomsman, he will be the only sibling in both our families to not be in the wedding.
My fiance is very stubborn and is now saying that if my brother is in the wedding, he will not marry me.  I don't know what to do.  What can I do or say to change his mind.  I've already had to compromise (give him his way) on the date, location, time, and to not invite my ex-boyfriend, who is now a really good friend of mine.  Is this even fair?  My parents are paying for the entire wedding.

Trinired

I'm sorry...but honestly...this doesn't sound as if this should be a person you should be marrying in the first place...YOUR parents are paying...YOU compromised on EVERYTHING...date, location etc? How is any of this fair...this is already NOT a partnership and you haven't even made it down the aisle yet. He sounds controlling to me...which will not lead to happiness for you in the end....and I am confused...a 24 year old ring bearer?? Why is he not a groomsman...or even an usher? You don't have any young nephews etc to take on the role of ring bearer? Why is he so adamant NOT to have your brother be a groomsman? To the point he WONT marry you if your BROTHER...your FAMILY is part of the wedding?! what if your brother was an usher? This sounds like a fail on many levels! How does your brother feel about the situation?

itzMS

Bizzare. Ask your brother to stand on your side as a "bridesman". Sides don't have to be guys on one, girls on the other. FWIW, the way you describe your FI makes him sound like a selfish a sshat. I hope he has some redeeming qualities

AddieCake

Let your brother stand on your side. 

What is your fiance's problem with your brother?  Honestly, if he wouldn't marry  you over this,it sounds like you have bigger problems than your wedding party. Is this what he is going to do every time he doesn't get his way? Threaten divorce?

kmmssg

I wouldn't continue wedding planning with someone who told me he wouldn't marry me if my brother was in the wedding (unless that brother assaulted FI or was a drug addict or something like that.  Your post doesn't make your brother sound like a bad guy.

As I mentioned in your other thread on this, what do you mean by, "  I'm planning on asking my sister who I'm not too close to, but is finally getting herself in better shape to hopefully be a part of my wedding."

christibarsalou

hate to say it but if he cant bend you may want to think about some things. id be upset. me and my fi dont agree with alot so we compromise on most everything. he chooses his i choose mine but if your brother is the only one not allowed because he says  he wont marry you, thats rediculous. and as far as you sister goes. you should taker her as your sister. if my sister would have made it a point for me to be in shape to be in her wedding i prob wouldnt have gone at all. thats disrespectful. shes your sister and you fi needs to understand hes your brother. id tell him either all siblings are in or non. end of story

jessicabessica

You guys should agree to have your own siblings on your own sides.  It is really disturbing that he says he won't marry you if your brother is in the wedding party, though.  I think you guys might consider some couples counseling.  

AJuliaNJ

Have your FI and brother ever had a falling out? You said your FI has no problem with him, but does that literally mean he has no problem with him, or is it more like he can't stand him, but will tolerate being in the same room as him?

Unless he has a bad history with your bro, I'm confused about why he wouldn't just have him as a GM. Has he given you a reason? I realize that GM are his choice, but this really seems extreme and like a red flag to me, especially given his threat to not marry you.

I think of the bridal party as supporting both of us, not as two separate groups: my bridesmaids and his groomsmen. My brother is standing on his side, his sister is on my side, and a female friend of his is on my side. I've seen it this way in most weddings I've been to. I've been to one where there was a groomswoman, and that's fine, too. Does he have a problem with bro standing on your side?

What makes him feel so strongly about not including your brother that he would risk putting you on bad terms with your family and even not marrying you?

kmmssg

I will throw OP a bone here.  This is what she posted about my questions regarding her sister in the other post.  She's off the hook:

'My sister and I have never been close.  We are 11 years apart in age and when I was younger she did a lot of things that hurt me.  We've only recently gotten to the point where we actually talk.  I had never thought of her as being in my wedding because of that.  But when my mom told me she went on a diet because she would like to be a part of my big day.  It surprised me because I didn't think she'd ever want to be a bridesmaid because she hates dresses to the point she cut one up when she was younger.  It's her way of telling me she's sorry about the past and she wants to finally move on and be a sister.  I hope that explains what I meant.'

OP - thanks for clarifying things regarding your sister.  I still think there are huge issues  here with your FI refusing to marry you if your brother is in the wedding.  Especially when he has told you he has no problem with your brother.

Jen4948

If you want your brother in your wedding, he should stand on your side as a bridesman.  You can't make your FI make him a groomsman. 

But if your FI gets hung up over your brother as a bridesman, I think you have a big problem to handle before you consider marrying him.  He's coming off like a jerk.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_groom-doesnt-want-brides-brother-as-groomsman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:ee28d492-58a0-48eb-89d1-7b04fa9f8fc3Post:8f8bbff1-45f7-46f0-98ce-dade4f8a3af4">Groom doesn't want bride's brother as groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]My brother and I are 22 months apart.  I've already asked his girlfriend (now fiance) and son to be a part of the wedding.  My fiance said he has no problem with my brother, but refuses to have him as a groomsman.  He even told me to have my 24 year old brother be a ring bearer.  Family is very important to me, but not important to him. My brother and his fiance have both expressed that if he is not in the wedding, she will not be a bridesmaid.  I've already asked my fiance's sister, and his brother will be the best man.  I'm planning on asking my sister who I'm not too close to, but is finally getting herself in better shape to hopefully be a part of my wedding.  If my brother is not a groomsman, he will be the only sibling in both our families to not be in the wedding.<strong> My fiance is very stubborn and is now saying that if my brother is in the wedding, he will not marry me.  I </strong>don't know what to do.  What can I do or say to change his mind.  I've already had to compromise (give him his way) on the date, location, time, and to not invite my ex-boyfriend, who is now a really good friend of mine.  Is this even fair?  My parents are paying for the entire wedding.
Posted by abbasangel35[/QUOTE]

I was going to suggest that you have your siblings on your side and let fi's siblings stand on his, but that bolded line really concerns me. I'd tell him the wedding is off.

lyndausvi

You can't make him have your brother on his side.  However, sh!t would hit the fan if my DH had told me he would not marry me if my brother was in the wedding  (or course, this baring any physical abuse or known conflict between the 2).

Have him on your side.

rach1200

My first thought was your brother was being a bit unreasonable.  Your FI can chose his own groomsman and shouldn't be under pressure to include your brother.  Yes, it would be nice if he  included him, but my opinion is it is unreasonable and manipulative (not to mention self asborbed) for your brother to give you an ultimatum that if he isn't included in wedding his FI can't be a bridesmaid.

However after reading the rest of your post I agree that the your brother being in the wedding is not the issue.  I can only speak to what you have stated in your post, but your FI saying he would not marry you over this speaks very badly to his views of commitment to you and marriage as a whole.  If he truly means this and isn't speaking out of anger, I would suggest you evaluate if this is a man you can imagine growing old with and sharing a life with.  If you guys can't coordinally agree on the wedding party without him threatening to break things off with you- well imagine how the next 50 years or so will be.  Maybe at the least consider pre-martial counseling.

I'm sorry you are going through this as it sounds like you are stuck between your brother and your FI who are both trying to manipulate you on what should be a happy time of wedding planning.  Please keep us posted.

MuppetOverlord

What does he have against your brother? What does he have against you?

Will he let you have him to your side? If it's a no across the board and truly doesn't want to marry you if your brother is in the wedding, you need to get out of this relationship now.

You don't want to start your marriage with someone who threatens that about something so petty.... he sounds very controlling. Is this what you want?

It's okay to break off the wedding if you aren't happy.

mrsbobfilson

Before you plan another step of the wedding you need to sit down with the clergy and get some counselling you are not even married yet and he is threatening not to walk down the aisel!! Over a "petty"issue because believe me honey life is going to get a whole lot tougher.You need to know if your husband is in this til death do u part or until things get rocky.seek counselling NOW..

MsYeck

Regardless of the your side his side representation I would NOT marry a guy that has a tantrum and uses manipulation/ultimatums to get their way. I see that kind of personality resulting in either abuse or divorce. Lots of wife beaters don't hit until after the wedding.

aantus

I would not be marrying this guy. (JIMO) Sounds like it's okay for his sibling to be in the wedding but not yours. That's entirely not fair at all. Your parents are paying. 

I would tell him, either my brother and his fiancee are in the wedding your your sister and her fiance' are not and we won't have any groomsmen or bridesmaids. It can't be tit for tat.

I'm not having my brother in the wedding but that's because we're not close at all. I have my nephews as my ring bearers though. I'll have my brother as an usher but that's it. 

gpeeples

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_groom-doesnt-want-brides-brother-as-groomsman-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:ee28d492-58a0-48eb-89d1-7b04fa9f8fc3Post:fe82b464-9202-42f9-921d-c1b9e25db25d">Re: Groom doesn't want bride's brother as groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to be a bit different here. My brother was a groomsman and my husband was welcoming and wonderful about it. To me the wedding party is a joint thing - not a her side, his side thing. I figure if we can join the rest of our lives - families, bank accounts etc - then it shouldn't be a big deal for a request either way on the wedding party. If my husband had been this rigid on a simple request I would have had to rethink my decision to marry him.
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

Agreed.  I don't think there's anything wrong with groomswomen and bridesmen, but the women in our wedding party will be bridesmaids and the men will be groomsmen, no matter whose friends/family they are.  By getting married, we are combining our families, so it shouldn't matter whose "side" they are from.  And like PP have said, if your FI is refusing to compromise with something like this, you might want to reevaluate your engagement.