BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette

healyl99

...

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:0698e384-288d-46d9-8a2c-2eade5b0bc3d">BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH messaged all the BM's to make sure they were all on the same page in paying for me and my fiance's dinners in Atlantic City (which is around $60/8= 7.5 a person.)  Instead of telling my MOH "yes" she decided to take it as an opportunity to voice her opinion and say that she doesn't think her bf (who is a groomsmen) should pay for my fiance because not all the groomsmen will be there and that it won't be equal but she was told that two of the bm's are bringing a date and those guys will make up for the 2 groomsmen who won't be attending and those guys said they will chip in.  She also made other comments about not wanting to pay for any of our drinks.  Just dinner.  And she is just being really stingy.  Esp bc she had to pay for nothing so far in the whole wedding planning.  Our mothers planned the shower and we are paying for limo, etc on our own.  She is just ungrateful.  And for the rehearsal dinner the gifts that she and her bf (groomsmen) will get is more than $7 a person so I think that this bm is being unfair, cheap, and rude.  She has money and chooses to spend it on Versaci sunglasses, coach bags, dance classes, shoes, manicures, and more.  So she is just being all about herself and not all about the Bride.  She's been a BM before and should know how things work and what's expected.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

<div>You cannot tell her "pay x amount of dollars." She has the right to voice her opinion. It is her money after all. And just because she spends it on nice things does not mean that she HAS to spend it on you. You need to expect a lot less of your friends. And the fact that your bm gifts are "more than $7" really doesn't say much. It sounds like you don't even appreciate her as a friend. </div>

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:0698e384-288d-46d9-8a2c-2eade5b0bc3d">BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH messaged all the BM's to make sure they were all on the same page in paying for me and my fiance's dinners in Atlantic City (which is around $60/8= 7.5 a person.)  Instead of telling my MOH "yes" she decided to take it as an opportunity to voice her opinion and say that she doesn't think her bf (who is a groomsmen) should pay for my fiance because not all the groomsmen will be there and that it won't be equal but she was told that two of the bm's are bringing a date and those guys will make up for the 2 groomsmen who won't be attending and those guys said they will chip in.  She also made other comments about not wanting to pay for any of our drinks.  Just dinner.  And she is just being really stingy.  Esp bc she had to pay for nothing so far in the whole wedding planning.  Our mothers planned the shower and we are paying for limo, etc on our own.  She is just ungrateful.  And for the rehearsal dinner the gifts that she and her bf (groomsmen) will get is more than $7 a person so I think that this bm is being unfair, cheap, and rude.  She has money and chooses to spend it on Versaci sunglasses, coach bags, dance classes, shoes, manicures, and more.  <strong>So she is just being all about herself and not all about the Bride. </strong> She's been a BM before and should know how things work and what's expected.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]
Well, she should be willing to help out financially but agreeing to be a MOH isn't a subpoena.  No one can make her pay.  It's none of your business how she spends her money on personal items.  And the sentence I bolded - ick!  Being a bride isn't an entitlement.  Contrary to popular wedding-frenzied belief, the world does not revolve around brides. You need some perspective.

Mrs.B6302007

[QUOTE]She is just ungrateful.[/QUOTE]

Are you sure <u>she's</u> being the ungrateful one? 

Shouldn't you just be happy that she's coming to celebrate at all?

Friendship is much more important than money.

stina93446

Oh snap, MrsB. 

stina93446

BTW OP, Why are you the one telling the MOH this? Are you planning your own B party? I really hope not. It's really tacky.

AdeleDazeem

Your friend is being ungrateful?  Are you sure?

A few years ago, I planned a bacherlorette party for my good friend.  We all got our nails done at a spa before going out to dinner.  When it came time to pay, my friend walked herself up to the counter and paid for herself.  I was mortified!  But, when I tried to ask her about it and reimburse her, she said "I don't care if I pay.  I'm just glad everyone is here!"

Please find the moral in the story.

mbcdefg

There's no way to say, "I'm mad because this chick is not chipping in any money to pay for my dinner and drinks" without coming across as selfish, spoiled and bratty. Please repeat this to yourself and think about how awful it sounds.

So I would strongly advise you not to mention this to anyone else, lest they start whispering behind your back what a bridezilla you sound like. You've gotten your vent out here, now let it go. Pronto.

She's not obligated to chip in for your food and drinks, and you should not be involved with the planning of your bachelorette. Butt out. If the MOH feels that she's being unfair, let the MOH handle it.

Did the bridesmaid have any hand in planning this event? If not, then I can understand why she doesn't want to fork over the cash. How would YOU feel if someone planned something without your input and then approached you and said, "Here's your bill, now cough it up." Doesn't matter whether it's $7 or $700. People have the right to decide how they should spend their own money.

tidetravel

1)  How she spends her money is her own business. 
2)  MOH should have consulted the BMs to see what they were comfortable paying prior to making any arrangements for any pre-wedding party. 
3)  NO one is expected to participate in any pre-wedding party.  Perhaps she doesn't want to or can't participate and this is her way of trying to get out of it. 
4)  She is allowed to have her opinion.  Perhaps it isn't fair that her BF is expected to pay but other GM aren't.  Regardless, it's her opinion and had she been consulted in the first place (see #2) then she wouldn't be springing this on MOH now.
5)  Friendship isn't financially tit-for-tat.  You should spend however much money on a BM gift that you feel appropriate as a Thank you for participation in the WEDDING. (read: not pre-wedding day stuff)  Claiming that you spent more than $7 on her so she should spend that amount on you just makes you out to be a spiteful, immature brat.
6)  She may have been a BM before, but, I'm assuming you've never been a bride before.  It's your expectations that need to change, not the other way around.  

Remember:  Friends 1st, BMs 2nd. 

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:41cb38ac-6302-47ed-93e1-9d84a84c7471">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]More than $7 meaning that I am getting her jewerly and flip flops which is about $30 and the groomsmen will be about the same so for the 2 of them we would be spending about $50.  And all that was asked of them was to chip in for the dinner of the bride and groom.  <strong>A BM is supposed to do what she is asked and if not, then she should have never said yes to be a BM.</strong>  Most bridesmaids throw the shower and chip in for the limo or other expenses and this was the only expense that the MOH is planning and asking nicely for them to chip in and she is the only one to say no.<strong>  I guess she doesn't have to come to the bachelorette/bachelor dinner then.  That's fine. It's not fair for everyone else to chip in and not her.</strong>
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]


A BM is NOT an employee.   You have a very warped view of friendship.

Please don't tell her she can't come over this.  None of the other girls need to know that she can't/won't pay.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:ede36316-4e1a-4a63-b15b-e447694eb074">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]No I am not planning the bachelorette but my MOH fowarded me what the BM said about not willing to pay for our meals or drinks or anything.  This girl doesn't want to give a dime.  She should have known what she was signed up for.  She knew about the shower and the bachelorette from the begining and for the shower the mothers decided to make the BM's lives easier by taking care of the shower when the BM could have put in for the cake or the favors.  They did nothing and therefore thought to make their lives easier when they put in for the bachelorette.  She is just telling the MOH no bc she thinks she can get away with it.  I don't think she would tell the mothers "No" I am not chipping in for the cake.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

Isn't it possible that she's having some financial difficulties that she's not sharing with you?  Some difficulties that makes even $7 seem like $700 to her right now?

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:f969c281-2307-4f61-accf-de9573df339e">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]this bm is the one who chose Cuba Libre in Atlantic City.  The MOH did not choose it.  This BM chose it or suggested it, and the MOH agreed we all like that place, so MOH is now planning it and asking if people are willing to contribute.  It is a nice gesture to the bride and groom and would be nice to do.  My MOH just fowarded me the message because she didn't know what to do.   Which is why I came on here for friendly advice and what I got was not friendly at all.  Sorry I even posted it if I knew all the responses would be so typical and catty
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]
No one was catty.  We're trying to help you keep things in perspective.
However, if you're going to throw temper tantrums about your party and about the help you received here, then don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:cbd6f29d-9791-4190-8066-036a1536e6aa">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]The only reason why I mentioned what she spends her money on is because I was sure I'd here responses like, "Oh Maybe she doesn't have much money or has money issues and that is why she can't afford to chip in for the Bachelorette dinner".  So I wanted to clarify and be clear that yes she does has money, she just chooses to spend it on herself.  So she doesn't have to come to the Bachelorette dinner.  That is the answer I was looking for.  I didn't think it was right for everyone else to chip in and for her to not give a dime.  I always thought it was customary for the BM's to help out with the Bachelorette.  I<strong> didn't think that the bride had to pay for herself. </strong>Call me old fashioned, but everyone tells me that is tradition and customary for the bm's to throw the shower and bachelorette
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]
No, the bride doesn't have to pay for herself but isn't keeping a friendship with her more important than who pays for your dinner?  If it were me, I'd pay for myself so that I could have all of my BP in attendance.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:264a8b84-b36f-4379-a6b8-3af4ded04eb4">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]You guys are all crazy.  Everyone tells me that the bridesmaids are responsible for the bachelorette.  The bride and groom are spending enough on the wedding.. we can't do it all and pay for the bachelorette too.  <strong>And yes you are being very immature and catty</strong>.  I've told co-workers and friends about the situation and they all agreed with me that if the MOH was asking nicely, t<strong>hen the BM can politely decline and choose not to come to the Bachelorette.</strong>  But this BM wants to come and have everyone else pay and not her.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

Honey, you haven't <em><u>seen </u></em>catty on these boards.

She can decline but you made it sound as if she were going to be told she couldn't come if she didn't chip in.

tidetravel

Do your BM a favor and just kick her out.  Ending the friendship sounds like it would be in her best interest.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:47740932-1084-4d11-ba9d-053ce1bb38d9">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is she didn't say it in a nice way.  My other friends if they couldn't pay would say , I'm Sorry I don't have the money right now.. but this bm was being rude and flat out refusing, and didn't even show any care or any hint that she would love to help out but simply can't.  All she said was that she is not paying and that is that
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]
I agree, it sounds like she certainly needs to work on her conversing skills but she's who she is.  Has she always been this way or is this something new for her?

mbcdefg

So she's supposed to be at your beck and call because you bought her jewelry and flip-flops?

I wouldn't want to pay for your dinner either.

lizstill13

Why are you in the middle of this at all?

healyl99

who said she is at my beck and call?  First of All I live near Philly, she lives at the shore.  She is certainly not at my beck and call.  We only seen her at the tux fitting with her bf groomsmen.. and the shower.. and soon to be at the bachelorette dinner.  She doesn't give me the time of day to come visit or hang out.  Throughout our whole friendship I was the one always driving across the state to go and visit her.  I don't ask for much at all.  So I don't know why you say she is at my beck and call.

healyl99

There haven't been any issues like this during our friendship.  We always went on double dates or group dates and never had the issue of money or splitting the bill.  This is a first, so now I see what kind of person she is.  It was just awkward bc the mothers took care of the shower and the favors and cake and invitations and food for the whole bridal shower and that was being very generous and kind on their part.. so in a ways it's the cue for the BM to do something nice for the bride and she doesn't want to.  I guess she just wants to pay her own way.  That is fine with me then.  that's all I wanted to hear.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:dbc28466-3cbd-41c5-b25a-7b26a85b223f">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]who said she is at my beck and call?  First of All I live near Philly, she lives at the shore.  She is certainly not at my beck and call.  We only seen her at the tux fitting with her bf groomsmen.. and the shower.. and soon to be at the bachelorette dinner.  She doesn't give me the time of day to come visit or hang out.  Throughout our whole friendship I was the one always driving across the state to go and visit her.  I don't ask for much at all.  So I don't know why you say she is at my beck and call.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

Healy - you're going to have to quit being so defensive so that you can accept the help that people are trying to give you.  It sounds like you've been on a one-way street for this friendship.  If you've always been taking the initiative of making plans and such, are you <u>really </u>surprised that she's acting this way?  Is this friendship worth saving TO YOU?

jaimed99

First of all, if it's a bachelorette party, why is your FI going? And who said that your WP was responsible for paying for YOUR food and drink? If I had friends who put a price on my friendship, they wouldn't be my friends anymore, that's for damn sure. You apparently chose your BM because she could "afford" to be your BM, NOT because she was a good friend and that you WANTED her standing with you at the altar...

And whoop-de-do...you bought her a cheap pair of shoes and some jewelry that she probably won't wear past the wedding...congratulations...

Oh, I'm sorry, I guess my snark must have slipped out...

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:41cb38ac-6302-47ed-93e1-9d84a84c7471">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>A BM is supposed to do what she is asked</strong> and if not, then she should have never said yes to be a BM. 
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

healyl99

What I am saying is that I realized this whole time all I've done in iniatting plans.  She never called me to hang out.  I mean, most of the time it was me setting a time and date to get together.  And I would make it convenient for her and say let's hang out at the local applebee's.. where she lives 10 minutes away and I live an hour or more away.  And you think all those times I've done things like that and now I see that maybe she's the one who isn't much of a friend.  Friends are supposed to be there for their friends and in my case, bend over backwards to hang out with their friend and she is far from bending over backwards from me.. so that is how she is and now that I see that I can determine if I want a friend like that.. I don't think she will be much of a friend after this wedding.  I just don't see it happening because I will stop bending over backwards and stop initating all the time..... and well see how often we hang out then.. I'm guessing we won' because she won't initiate unless it's once in a blue moon and she won't be willing to drive all the way to see me (to make it clear, where she lives is the same hometown as me so I didn't mind driving there to see her because I was familar with the area and all and I moved out to an area she has no connection with, as I have a connection with hers)

healyl99

..

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:b6b0c5ab-fa65-417e-8753-3b72ebb95f1c">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]and yes I am gonna defend myself if people are telling me I want her at my beck and call and that is not true.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

You're complaining that, as a bridesmaid, she ought to do whatever she's asked.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:b6b0c5ab-fa65-417e-8753-3b72ebb95f1c">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]No one forced her to pay or say she had to. 
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

You're complaining right now that she's not paying for you. You're arguing that she "has to" because she is a BM.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:b6b0c5ab-fa65-417e-8753-3b72ebb95f1c">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]
We only simply asked and that was it. 
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

And she said no. Deal with it.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:ad207b51-e34c-4ec0-9326-b62de9dd6b4a">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]What I am saying is that I realized this whole time all I've done in iniatting plans.  She never called me to hang out.  I mean, most of the time it was me setting a time and date to get together.  And I would make it convenient for her and say let's hang out at the local applebee's.. where she lives 10 minutes away and I live an hour or more away.  And you think all those times I've done things like that and now I see that maybe she's the one who isn't much of a friend.  Friends are supposed to be there for their friends and in my case, bend over backwards to hang out with their friend and she is far from bending over backwards from me.. so that is how she is and now that I see that I can determine if I want a friend like that.. I don't think she will be much of a friend after this wedding.  I just don't see it happening because I will stop bending over backwards and stop initating all the time..... and well see how often we hang out then.. I'm guessing we won' because she won't initiate unless it's once in a blue moon and she won't be willing to drive all the way to see me (to make it clear, where she lives is the same hometown as me so I didn't mind driving there to see her because I was familar with the area and all and I moved out to an area she has no connection with, as I have a connection with hers)
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

Well, the timing of cutting off the friendship is up to you.  If you're done done, then you can certainly kick her out of the WP and be done with it.  If you think there's a chance you'd like to work on your relationship, then you'll need to suck it up and deal with her through the wedding and work on your relationship as you can.

suz62984

1) You are the one being ungrateful

2) It is her money, not yours, you can't tell her what to do with it so shut up

3) BMs are required to show up slightly sober and in a dress. that is all.

4) Grow up and act like an adult and stop complaining about how people owe you something because you are the bride. You aren't special! There are millions of brides every year stop acting like you are the only pretty pretty princess.

xoxob

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:41cb38ac-6302-47ed-93e1-9d84a84c7471">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]More than $7 meaning that I am getting her jewerly and flip flops which is about $30 and the groomsmen will be about the same so for the 2 of them we would be spending about $50.  And all that was asked of them was to chip in for the dinner of the bride and groom. <strong> A BM is supposed to do what she is asked and if not, then she should have never said yes to be a BM.</strong>  Most bridesmaids throw the shower and chip in for the limo or other expenses and this was the only expense that the MOH is planning and asking nicely for them to chip in and she is the only one to say no.  I guess she doesn't have to come to the bachelorette/bachelor dinner then.  That's fine. It's not fair for everyone else to chip in and not her.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

...wow. I think you just trumped the groomzilla I am dealing with. Way to be an awesome, upstanding person. Mush, slave!

xoxob

Also, I would like to point out, if $7.50 isn't that much money, then you should have no problem paying for it yourself.

You're making yourself look horrible right now. Everyone knows that a bachelorette party and a shower aren't a given.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-doesnt-want-chip-bachelorette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:01bff517-fa84-4a68-94b2-5308049c7ad9Post:6708ad49-cfca-40fe-9ca3-5e1f91a3f119">Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM doesn't want to chip in for Bachelorette : ...wow. I think you just trumped the groomzilla I am dealing with. Way to be an awesome, upstanding person. <strong>Mush, slave!</strong>
Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]

I think I <3 you