Help My BM just QUIT

maryashley1227

Tomorrow is the day all my BMs (3) are supposed to order their dresses. (The MOH ordered hers yesterday) I got out of the shower to find a 3page text message basicly saying "I will not have the money to pay for my dress tomorrow. & I think its best if I just dont be in the wedding. of course I will still be there but I didnt think I had to pay for my own dress, etc and cant afford it because I just took 2weeks vacation from work"I am very disappointed because she was my first BM after we set the date in MARCH and she is the one who we do all our scheduling around. She picked the first week of sept to order stating "that way I will be able to save up for the dress"I dont buy her excuses now especially about having to pay for the dress.But my question is Do we have to still invite her to the wedding? My FI is furious because he just had all our gifts for the WP engraved/personalized. He thinks that the money we have spent on her already justifys not having to invite her and spend MORE money.  One of the gifts is an expensive braclet that has thier name on the inside that FI picked out himself. 

sapphirebaby926

Do you still want to be friends with her after the wedding?

Alko726

I'm sorry about your situation and I understand your frustration right now, but I think if you didn't invite her, you're pretty much cutting her off as a friend because there's no doubt she'd be offended. If one of my BMs that I chose because I was close to her had to drop out of the WP because of financial reasons, there's no doubt I'd still invite her to the wedding. Isn't there a way to talk to her about it in person first to see what the real reasons are about not wanting to be in the WP before you make such a decision? If you don't buy her excuses, then maybe it would help to find out what the real reasons are.

bablingbrooke

I wouldn't make any decisions about inviting her or not right now when you just found out today and your emotions are still (understandably) raw. I don't blame you for being upset but you don't want to make a decision you'll regret, you know? She sounds pretty flaky. Was she always flaky? Is she a close enough friend that you'd be willing to pay for her dress so she can be in it? I know you don't buy the excuse (I'm not sure I do either) but give her the benefit of the doubt for a second. The fact that you asked her first and have scheduled around her tells me that she's a very important friend to you. So consider it. You certainly don't have to but all I'm saying is think about it. I'm really sorry. I want to believe that she feels bad and sent a flip text to you about it because she isn't sure how to break it to you and while this is a terrible way to do it, some people are completely inept at breaking bad news to others. It could also be that a long-time friend has finally shown her true colors. But at least she told you now and not the night before the wedding (or equally inappropriate time).

maryashley1227

Flaky-yes. My mother says she thought this BM would drop out sooner.Forgot to mention my shower is Saturday. So the other ladies are frustrated as well.Our wedding is actually very small. Only about 100 guests and that is only close family. Our way of having friends was by having them be in the WP. She knows this. So I feel by her dropping out shes also making it so that she doesnt have to attend. But I cold be wrong. I just needed some opinions.Thanks Ladies

bablingbrooke

Does she know that the only friends who are attending are the ones in the WP and that it's otherwise family only?

MsFlicka

Yes, she might be being flaky, but look at it this way; Bridesmaids are totally unnessary to a wedding. Its not as if your caterer or your officiant quit. No one else will care that she is not a bridesmaid. Perhaps her economic situation has worsened, or perhaps there is something else in her life that is frying her brain and she just can't take one more thing. It might be that she is just being flaky, but she might also have a good reason, and ultimately, it is her life and her money. Unless you totally want to cut off friendship with her, then yes, invite her to your wedding. If she was a good enough friend to have as a bridesmaid, she should be a good enough friend to forgive. Give her the gift anyway. A gift isn't a payment for services rendered. Give it to her as a "hey, really sorry you won't be able to be in the wedding, but you're still my friend" gift. Being a bridesmaid isn't like enlisting in the military. If you need to quit, you've got to quit. To be honest, I am always sympathetic with a woman who has the courage to scale back and say "No, I can't" when she feels like she is getting overwhelmed. We live in a society where women are pressured to always say yes yes yes, even (sometimes especially) in friendships. She should have told you sooner, but it is what it is.

maryashley1227

Yes, without a doubt. I guess it is something I will have to keep thinking about and see how this changes our relationship before the invites are sent out.

banana468

Rather than be upset, why not ask her what's wrong?  If you know you had a conversation that SHE was OK with the cost of the dress and was saving up for it, ask her if there's anything in her life that she wants to discuss.Beyond that, I think it would be extremely rude on your part to not invite her to the wedding.  Is it possible for you to pay for her dress even as a loan? If you're ready to never talk to her again then don't invite her to the wedding.  I have to say though that doing so would also seem very small on your part.

ffmaid

Calm down and then talk to her. Sounds liek something is up. What dress is it maybe you can find teh same dres in her size on ebay between now and your wedding. that way she can have it much cheaper like $40. Yes she is still invited to teh wedding unless you never want to be friends ever again.

trix1223

ditto the other ladies here, especially brooke.  Her advice to take a couple of weeks, take a couple of deep breaths, and address this after you've had some time to cool off is much better than flying off the handle right now.But to give her the benefit of the doubt, it's possible she said yes initially because people don't want to disappoint an excited and happy bride.  So they agree to be in the WP, even though there may be any number of reasons they don't want to/can't do it.Later, reality catches up with them and they have to withdraw.  I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to hear, but I'll also bet it wasn't easy for her to say.

LarissaAnn

Ditto everyone who said TALK TO HER. VOICE.

jeannigirl

To ME, this is indicative that she's not that devoted a friend. A bridesmaid dress costs what, around $200? I know times are tough, but she really should have been saving up for that since she found out about it. That cost isn't a make-it-or-break-it thing in my opinion. Personally I do not agree with this statement. You are making a broad statement about someone's financial business and assuming something that is illogially unbased. Times are tough and with not only buying a dress theres shoes and all the foofoo and maybe travel time and gas maybe also having to take a day off without pay, etc.I don't think that your devotion to a friend anything to do if you don't have the finances to cover the expenses of that.

trix1223

kirsten:To ME, this is indicative that she's not that devoted a friend. A bridesmaid dress costs what, around $200? I know times are tough, but she really should have been saving up for that since she found out about it. That cost isn't a make-it-or-break-it thing in my opinion. You sound like someone who has a job and financial stability, and that's wonderful.  However, that's simply not the case for everyone.My DD lost her teaching job at the end of last year's school year because of budget cutbacks.  She's working 2 part time jobs as she continues to hunt for anything full time, and her DH is working full time, plus another part time jobs.While last spring she would have said Yes to being in a wedding, things have dramatically changed for them.  A $200 dress, plus shoes, travel, showers, b-party, wedding gift just isn't at all possible for them right now.It would have nothing at all to do with how good a friend she was.  It's about being fiscally responsible and not living outside of her means.

bablingbrooke

kirsten, my DH just moved 3,000 mi away to take a job. Not how we wanted to start out married life, but when you've been unemployed for a year, you'll take anything. We had to say "no" to a lot of things during that time, and a big wedding would have been one of them had our very generous parents not insisted on paying for it. If not for my student loans (thank god the gov't is more generous with law students than undergrads), I'm not sure what we would have lived off of. A $200 BM dress + other things may not have been in the cards last year for me. Would that have made me a bad friend?

razdazzle_22377334

Honestly, I think you are upset and need to take some time before deciding not to invite this girl to your wedding.  Obviously she is important to you, or you wouldn't have asked her to be a BM.  If you want her as a friend, then YES, you do have to invite her to the wedding.

maryashley1227

I just wanted to update everyone and thank them for thier opinions.Alot went on today that I am both happy about and some disappointments. My other BM purchased her dress and is IN LOVE with it.  That was the JOY of my day.In responce to Kristen:To ME, this is indicative that she's not that devoted a friend. A bridesmaid dress costs what, around $200? I know times are tough, but she really should have been saving up for that since she found out about it. That cost isn't a make-it-or-break-it thing in my opinion.The total cost was $205.15 including dress, shoes, and shawl. She also could have applied for the in-store credit and if approved would be able to pay if off over 12 months.I also have a bridesman, my sons godfather, who steped forward and said he would take over this BMs responsibilties as far as the shower (which is saturday), bach, etc... He decided he would call her -on his own- and ask if there was anything she already purchased/paid for & he would pay her back on saturday before/during/after the shower. She did not answer so he left a message.  She then text messaged him and said she didnt pay for anything and she isnt coming to the shower.That to me says that she is choosing to end our 10 year friendship over a dress (possibly more but shes not saying)I am chosing not to let it get me down because as my mother said "better to have 2 smiling loyal friends than have 1 with a frown that doesnt want to be there" I know it seemed like I was being cold, but that is the downside to typing out your feelings.A PP said that I must not care much for our friendship if I were to not invite her and I should even go so far as to pay for her dress (which I think is unfair to the other 2 girls -both students- who paid for themselves)Just to give you an idea of our bond : We've been in school together since i was in 6th grade, she was in 5th. So close that we had our children 11 days apart. Im sure there may be something going on in her life but it is nothing I dont know about. She wanted an excuse to bow out...People change.I dont think that now given the way she is acting that it would be wrong to NOT invite her.again thank you for all your help ladies

banana468

I still don't understand.  She's not attending your shower and she's not going to be in the wedding - sure those may be signs that she's flaky.  Is it really worth ending that friendship though?

coxie

This happened to me 2 months before my wedding... except it was my own cousin who backed out and she did it through text too.  It's a long story, but to make a long story short she is a crazy Biatch.  I still invited her to my wedding, but she rsvp'd no and I haven't talked to her since. (I got married on May 16 09)  I did already have her gifts at the time too, but I knew another girl that had the same name so I gave the personalized canvas tote I had made to her and I kept the other things I got her.  I  think it's rude to just expect everything to be paid for when you're in someones wedding, like there isn't enough to pay for!  If you are asked to be in a wedding you should expect to spend money and if they are unable to afford it then they should just say no. 

banana468

The other unfortunate aspect of the reply is that it appears you're seeking validation for ending a friendship - and that's exactly what you'll do if you say to a friend who graciously steps down from being in the BP that she's no longer welcome to even attend your wedding.And frankly, if I stepped down from a wedidng party to find that the bride didn't want me at her wedding at all, I wouldn't want to be friends with her either.

banana468

And $205.15 most likely does not cover alterations as well.That's a very steep price for someone who may be scraping by trying to make ends meet.

mbcdefg

Do you look at the terms of those in-store credit cards? The interest rates are OUTRAGEOUS, usually ranging from 18-22 percent. Plus, if she's already got lousy credit (or maybe if she just paid off her debts or re-established good credit), opening up a new credit card is probably the LAST thing she needs right now. I wholeheartedly agree that the basic responsibility of a BM is to actually buy the dress ... but if it comes down to her opening up a store credit card to do so, then it's probably in her best interest to step down. She shouldn't be punished (by not receiving a wedding invite, and/or with scorn from you and your FI) for trying to be responisible and fess up to the fact that she just can't handle what you're asking of her. I'm not saying that you can't be disappointed or a bit hurt and mad, but to disinvite her from the wedding because of it is a pretty scummy thing to do. A friendship shouldn't be based on her purchasing an article of clothing.

smiley920

If it is important to you that she is in the wedding, suggest that she wear something other than the chosen BM dress. I know it is a hard pill to swallow, we spend alot of time planning our weddings so they look beautiful, and a lone different dress might look strange, but the point is to have your friends stand up with you and support you. I do think it sounds a little odd that she all of the sudden can't afford it. Something else may be going on. Try to be her friend first and the bride second on this issue. she may have a reason that you understand and want to work with her on. If she doesnt, still invite her and give her the bracelet for christmas or something:)

maryashley1227

My personal situation was not meant to cause any kind of arguement. At the time I needed a little bit of comfort from a group of women I thought could understand what I was going through.To a PP: The shawl is required by the church because this particular BM has her entire back tattooed. When I asked her if getting the shawl would be a problem she said NO and the other girls agreed they would also purchase one. I had offered to pay for them but she insisted. The shoes are not required to be purchased from the shop, but another PP said that in addition to the dress I had to think about all the other costs like shoes, transportation, alterations, etc. The wedding is down the street from our houses. The alterations are being done by my mother for free. and I am providing all day transportation for every WP member. Truely her only monetary needs would have been a $120 dress and a $20 shawl.Also I should mention that both our children will be 12mos old. She really wanted her daughter to be my flower girl, but FI and I opted not to have such young children be in the wedding. Even our own son. She seemed offended & thought we were not having children at the wedding. I hired 2 babysitters for the entire day of the wedding just so our children would be able to be there and still be taken care of.Thats not to say I have loads of money to toss around. We are a family of 3 surviving on about $200 a week due to lay-offs. Trust me I know how bad life can be in this economy which is why I have used every resource available to me. (Mom for alterations, cousin is a hair stylist, dads friend owns a bakery, etc...) If there is something going on in her life it would be better to communicate with voices than sending flip text messages to me and all other members of the BPApparently, according to how you all feel, I have not done enough and you expect me to help her also pay for her attire, but I stand by the reasoning why I will not do that. If you cater to one you must cater to all. She is not being "un-invited" as invitations havent been sent out and of course I am still mulling this whole situation over. But I would think that if any of you or I had to back out of a friends wedding we would still show support by being there at thier shower as a guest.

banana468

Exactly Retread.  OP, you have every right to be sad about this.  What I can't understand is why it's worth ending a friendship.

donnycornelius

You are too immature to get married.  You are considering un-inviting a friend to your wedding because she actually stepped up before the dress ordering deadline and bowed out because she couldn't afford the financial commitment?   Oh, and an additional nugget of information is that this friend is not just a broke college student or something, she's actually supporting a small child?  Well, here's my judgy moment of the day, but I think it's nice to see at least one of you has priorities straight.   You're 22 years old, trying to support your own little baby, living on approximately $200 a week....and you're throwing away money on a wedding????? 

ffmaid

$212 + shower hosting + shower gift + bachlorette attendance + bachlorette chip in for bride + wedding gift = probably $500 or more. If you think her inapplity to pay for this means that she can not be your friend well honestly you are saying that her friendship is worth less then a $500 gift. So yes you are a horrible friend. Let her just be a guest and just a friend or wear a dress she already owns but you are valuing her friendship as less valuable then your pretty princess party .She is better off without you if you do not care more about her as a person then the fact that she is broke.

rarnett29

Okay, maybe it's just me, ladies... but did no one else read the line in the original that said she couldn't afford it because she "just took 2 weeks vacation from work?" Personally, that shows me right there that it has nothing to do with the money. It has to do with prioritizing, and choosing a vacay over her longtime friend's wedding.

banana468

You never know what a "vacation from work" means.  It can mean that she's just not in the office, she can be on a vacation that she previously paid for that was not refundable or one that was free to her OR yes, she may have decided to take a vacation on her own. If it's the very last one I'll agree that it's poor planning on her part but that's still no reason to refuse to invite her to the wedding and to end the friendship.

maryashley1227

Alot to respond to so please bear with me.MBCDEFG-You are right, I shouldnt have expected her to step up. I felt our friendship would be enough motivation for her and I was wrong. BANANA468-what you said about feeling self-conscious or ashamed=valid. But it is not amusing that I cant not afford to pay for the attire for 4 people. I would love to be one of those brides, but Im not. RETREADBRIDE-I wasnt thinking of it as being punishment. If all my responses were read you would see that the wedding is small to begin with. Thank you for sympathizing, even the smallest bit.DONNYCORNELIUS-Outright rude, but right. Highly "judgy". Yes I am 22 (since when does age matter) Yes I have a child (a miracle truely) Yes my fiance is currently unemployed (since may). No, money is not being thrown away. I do not know how much some of your weddings have cost but ours is under $7,000. The money which we have been saving for this purpose for over 2.5 years. Also as tradition our familys are contributing where they can. We (as in my family and very close friends) always come together to help out when one is in need. My godmothers gift is our flowers because she is a florist. My mom is doing the alterations, etc... Before anyone makes any comment about me having a child before getting married: I had to have a hysterectomy and therefore my doctor gave me 3mos to get pregnant or else the surgery. My son is a miracle not a burden.FFMAID-Let her just be a guest and just a friend or wear a dress she already owns but you are valuing her friendship as less valuable then your pretty princess party .She is better off without you if you do not care more about her as a person then the fact that she is broke.The worst part of all of this is that she has not come to me to say what is really truley going on so that I may take any action as needed. I am not having a "pretty princess party" as you say. The girls planned a backyard bbq, which is more my style anyway.EMILYINCHILE-your entire post is exactly what I am thinking and feeling. thank you.EVERYONE-My original post was a rash-heat-of-the-moment plea for advice. I have yet to talk to her because I was letting my emotions settle. As immature as some of you have said I am, We are mostly all in agreement of quite a few things.-Backing down via text is not "honorable"-Everyone had thier reasons-Wait until the hurt is gone before making a decisionWithout going into every detail I tryed to solicite advice (from people who may have been in a situation similar to mine) which is what I got from 98%of you. Most said things I was thinking but was too stunned to actually process. 2% were judgemental and downright mean.Thank you for all of you opinions."Ultimately the bond of all companionship, Whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation"-OSCAR WILDE

SpanishMandi

I get that you're disappointed. Truly, I do. But I also think that you really need to get over yourself here. Sure, you would attend the shower. But your friend is not you. And just because you know your finances does not mean that you know hers. Withholding the gift is petty. Not inviting her to the wedding is petty. And like it or not, you're showing a bit of entitlement issue here. I know you're disappointed. Heck, DH and I had a cousin bow out three weeks before the wedding because he wasn't comfortable standing up in front of the church in a tux and was so much older than all the other GMs (no joke, and the man is 40). We still talk, and we're still close. I didn't pitch a fit over it, and he still got his GM gift. However, don't look to us to justify ending a friendship over something that is, ultimately, minor. You're not going to get it. Calm down, take a few days or at least a week to let the dust settle, and then act. Ultimately, you will be very happy you did.