Dilemma

amberraysofdawn

Okay, I need an unbiased opinion from someone who doesn't know me or my groom...would appreciate any help.I'm getting married next year, and so far the planning has been pretty smooth. My fiance and I made an agreement that I'd handle all the wedding details, and he'd handle all the honeymoon details. This works out pretty well, because my parents are covering the wedding, and we are covering the honeymoon ourselves. The fiance's a better budgeter than I am anyways, and he's already been to our chosen destination, whereas I have not, and therefore can plan the honeymoon better.Anyways, the wedding is very formal - while I don't expect all of our guests to dress the part, the theme is black tie. The maids will be in black floor length gowns, and the groomsmen (and the groom) will be in tuxedos. The dinner is served sitting down, etc. I'm sure you get the point of the formality of the occasion.A couple of months ago, the best man (my future brother-in-law), asked me if I wanted him to wear his dress blues (he's in the army). I wasn't thrilled by the idea, since it would be wildly different than the tuxedos, but I agreed to at least see it first before making any decisions.Well, I've seen it, and it is very obviously different from a tuxedo. While I've never been one to be matchy-matchy - the bridesmaids do get to pick their own necklines, although the material and length of the dresses are the same - I'm not loving the idea of a completely different colored outfit. I personally think the dress blues will stick out like a sore thumb. No offense to anyone in the military out there, its just that I'd like things to look a certain way at the wedding.Anyways, my fiance got wind of the idea, and now refuses to let go of it. He insisted that we should honor his brother's military status by letting him wear his uniform. Then he remembered that one of his groomsmen is a fireman, and decided that guy should wear his dress uniform, too. That makes for two different outfits next to a couple of other guys in tuxedos.Personally, I think that 1: it takes away from the other groomsmen, and two: it takes away from us. While I'm trying really hard to not be in everyone's face about how the wedding is our day, I do think that the uniforms kind of detract from it.Our families are divided on this as well. The inlaws are of course on his side, and my family (who are the ones paying for the whole thing), are very firmly on my side.Can anyone give me an honest opinion about this? I'm open to any ideas you guys might have, whether for or against my personal vote on the isssue. I'd really appreciate any help you guys can give me. Thanks!-A-

Leah&Christian09

Their dress uniforms are as formal as a tux and will be fine. People are going to look at the woman in the white dress. Dress uniforms are not going to take away from you. Normally, the groom and the GM choose their outfits and the bride and BMs choose theirs. It sounds like this is important to your FI, and you should just let him have it.

MOBinFL2008

It is totally appropriate for a service member to wear his dress blues to a wedding when others will be wearing a tuxedo.  You should invite both your FBIL and the fireman to wear their dress uniforms.If you insist that they wear the tuxedo, you will come off as being a bridezilla in that you feel the "look" of your wedding in more important than their service to their country/community.

bablingbrooke

Dress uniform is the military equivalent of a tux. Let him wear it. Let it go. You're creating stress where there doesn't need to be any.

sjnsjnsjn

It's your wedding.  If they're going to be in it, they should wear what you want them to wear.  I have plenty of service members in my family, and at weddings, everyone wears the usual type of stuff - suits and whatnot - that the bride wants.  If the groom wants to honor his brother's service, he should throw him a party.  This is YOUR day and your party. 

MOBinFL2008

Ditto Retread!!!!!!

bablingbrooke

Just because you're a bride doesn't give you a pass to put style (all the GM must, repeat, must match!) over substance (your FI and his friends want to dress in such a way that honors their military experience). You wouldn't act like that in any other facet of your life, so why start now?

kmmssg

It is SEVERELY disrespectful to ask military personal to wear a tux just because you don't think their dress uniform is formal enoughStage - I luv ya hun, but couldn't disagree more with this.  I'm on my 23rd year of active duty and when any of us are in a wedding, we are in a wedding and should wear what is asked of us.  Personally, I hate it when a servicemember ASKS is they could/should wear their dress blues in a wedding.  I'm a firm believer that you should be INVITED to wear it.  The greater majority of people I work with feel the same,  but there are also some serious AW people who would wear their dress unform to get their oil changed just for the attention.  Minority yes, but it ticks me off.OP - as far as the formality of the dress blues - they are the equivalent of a tux.  They match everything so don't worry about it.Here's my bottom line cut to the chase advice - drop it and let it go.  This is important to your FI and his family.  Everyone will know who the groom is and it really won't make any difference or take anything away from you guys.  Since this has turned into your family wants one thing and his wants another, let it go.The 2 service uniforms ARE formal and are appropriate for a black tie affair.  If you press this forward, his family will see you as a bridezilla.  Just let it go.Personally, I completely understand your vision of everyone wearing a tux, but this has gone too far to try to win.  At the end of the day, no one will care, your pictures will be lovely, and you will be married.This is not worth falling on your sword.

amberraysofdawn

For the record - I haven't spoken to anyone about my personal opinion on the subject outside of my fiance, just yet. What I'm honestly more worried about, than the mismatching outfits, is the fight I'll have to go through with my parents over the issue, just to let the guys wear their uniforms. They are footing the entire wedding bill, and I wouldn't put it past them to completely withdraw everything, even over an issue like this. My parents eloped, so I think in a way this is their "do-over" or something.My fiance and I are both college students. We've been engaged for a couple of years now, so we've been saving up for our honeymoon for some time. The thing is, now that it's closer, we've already put most of that money towards train tickets and a hotel stay, and more. We simply don't have the money to cover our own wedding. Yes, we could go to the JP, all that jazz. But fiance and I both agree that we want an actual wedding with the people we care about there.As far as the issue about the uniform detracting from the main point of the occasion - which is our wedding - I do realize that it won't detract that much, but it is my mother's biggest issue with the whole thing. I was discussing it in the car with her a few days ago after meeting with a florist, and she got very vocal about it. She's also the parent who's signing the checks.The thing is, mom was in the military for a very long time, before she was finally discharged due to an injury. So when she was the first person to object to the idea, I really didn't think it was that big of a deal to have the guy not wear his uniform.Honestly, at this point, I don't really think my personal opinion matters. I'm more interested in finding a way to make the peace. Neither my family nor my in-laws, including my fiance himself, is willing to back down. Does anyone here have a solution that works? Any ideas to sway a determined mind from one side to another, or a middle ground? Because I'm fresh out of any.

kmmssg

That being said, I also know service men and women (especially women) who HATE wearing their dress uniforms,THIS IS ME!!!!!If I ever find the man who designed our uniforms (NO woman would do that!), he's dead meat.  I had a function last month where I had to wear my dress uniform.  You have to hem that skirt to your calves to keep it from riding up when you sit down!  Mine is hemmed knee length and when I sit down it is half way up my things.  Thank God for linen napkins on the lap.Stage - I get where you are coming from.  I just think when it comes to a civilian function, the uniform should be invited, as it does attract a decent amount of attention from very well intended people.  I know when I am out in public in uniform, people approach me all the time, very kindly.If I'm attending someone's civilian function I would feel less than gracious to decide to wear something that I know will call attention to myself.  I just want to be a guest.

kmmssg

Wow!  That cast some new light. I'm a MOB and my advice is this:  if your parents would withdraw paying for your wedding over the guys dressing in uniforms, you need to tell them to keep their money!  That is inexcusable on all counts.  Sorry, but your parents have no leg to stand on there.  If their money is contingent upon them choosing what the guys will wear, your FI is right to be angry. I might add, you should talk to your parents and get this ironed out.  My suggestion is to just tell your parents the guys will make the decision on what they will wear.  If your parents throw a fit and take back their money, YOU need to defend your FI and pay for the wedding yourself. Do you realize how your last post really sounds?  You seem to care more about your parents checkbook than your FI and how he feels about how his guys are dressed.  He is your first priority here, not mom and dad.  

kmmssg

Stage - did someone delete a post here?

caraanddj

I did, because I realized I missed one of the OPs post. Therefore, my post would have made no sense. However, someone still managed to have an almost instant response to it, which is why there now seems to be a response 'floating' around.

kmmssg

Gotcha!  Thanks.

amberraysofdawn

If you'd read my last post, you'll notice that it's not just me who cares about the parents' checkbook. My fiance has agreed that we both want the wedding to happen. He has made it very clear to me that he wants the big to-do (he just doesn't want to deal with the planning details). Believe it or not, not all guys just want to go to a JP and get it over with. He wants the show, too. Especially because we both have a lot of extended family that we never get to see, and this would be a rare occasion to get them all together. But without my parents' help, we can't have it. We don't have our own home, or even one to rent that's big enough to have the event at. We don't make enough money to cover the event; certainly not in time for the date we set over two years ago, when we first got engaged. If this had come up in the beginning, money would not be the problem it is now.Neither of us foresaw this big thing come up when we went ahead and spent the money we'd put towards the honeymoon on the actual honeymoon. Not to mention the fact that the ballroom we booked would require us to pay half the full price if we canceled (because we certainly can't afford it ourselves)...and considering that the cost of the ballroom includes catering, linens, waitservice, decor, and reserved hotel rooms, it's not exactly cheap. Money doesn't grow on trees.So, if I go with the uniform, and my parents drop us: neither of us get what we want. My mom's been threatening it, and my dad usually goes along with what she wants. My in-laws will hate my family because their son won't be getting the wedding they can't afford to sponsor (not to mention how bad it looks to drop over that reason anyway). On the other hand, if I don't go with the uniform, then I'm a bridezilla and my in-laws hate me. There's a rock to my left and a hard place to my right. Seriously: any ideas to please both sides? Anyone have the right words for either way? As the only one who hasn't officially said anything either way to anyone other than my fiance, they are all waiting for me to say something. Both sides are getting antsy and they keep asking about it, and I need to figure out what to say and say it soon.

bablingbrooke

Do you think she'll really pull the funding over something like this, or do you think it's an idle threat?

amberraysofdawn

And let me follow that up and apologize if I seem rude or anything to any of y'all. Its just that things had been going so well, and this thing is just really starting to freak me out. One of the reasons I was so excited to be getting married to my fiance is because I get along so well with his family. It's not just that we make a great couple, and the fact that I truly believe that he is "The One" for me. His family is like my own family, in the sense that we all automatically connected and they are all so wonderful to me and included me from day one of our relationship (which was over five years ago).My mother does not have a good relationship with her in-laws. They are not on speaking terms at all. When I go to visit them, I am not allowed to bring her up in front of them. She doesn't like for anyone to discuss them in front of her, too. So it means a LOT to me that I have found a wonderful man with a wonderful family whom I would be happy to be a part of and who wants me to be a part of just as much. It is just freaking me out that there is this huge rift going on.

kmmssg

Tagging on to Stage's last response: You say you both want this big wedding.  OK.  If your fi truly wants this big shindig and knows your parents will pull the checkbook if the guys don't dress the way your parents want them to, why is he continuing to pursue this? He is your problem here.  Talk to him and tell him this is the bottom line:  do you want the wedding on my parents terms or are we going to do what we can afford?  If all this money is on the line and he is insisting on going against your parents, he is the problem. You need to tell him it won't go both ways.  He either chooses this big wedding, or he chooses the uniforms.  In the end, I still feel your parents are the problem.  That said - if he truly wants this big shin dig, he has to do it their way.

caraanddj

This could potentially seem like a really silly idea, but what if you have the brother wear the tux for the actual ceremony and then change into his uniform for the reception? That way he will be dressed the same as the other GMs for the actual wedding, which seems to be very important to your parents, but at the same time he gets to be honored by wearing his uniform at the reception, which is important to your FI and in-laws. It seems a little wrong to make your FBIL have to buy and wear a tux just for the ceremony and pictures, but it he is willing to do it, then maybe that would be a way to please everyone.Good luck

amberraysofdawn

BablingBrooke - You never know with her. It could honestly go either way. When my mom gets an idea in her head, it can be really hard to get her to let it go. Sometimes she can be talked down from it, and sometimes she'll just get mad and do what she wants.

aerinpegadrak

Chiming in: is it just mom who's hung up on the dress uniforms, or both your parents?  If your dad doesn't really care either way, perhaps you could try to get him on board with the uniform thing and see if he can bring your mom around.But definitely talk with your FI and make sure he knows what's at stake here.  He may not realize that your parents might actually pull their funding.

amberraysofdawn

Stage - I could try that, although I don't know that it would work. My mom does not regret the distance between herself and them - she was the one to break things off with her in-laws. Although, to be honest, I have heard the whole story, and if my in-laws pulled what hers did, I probably would have done the same thing. Basically, my maternal grandmother was dying, and my paternal grandmother got it into her head that my mom wasn't doing enough to take care of us kids during that time, and that my dad shouldn't have to be doing any extra work to help out at home...and one day my mom reached her breaking point, and grandma said the wrong thing. At that point, my mom said she was done with them, and to this day she has stuck with it. So, entirely different situation. I don't know.

caraanddj

I agree with ReTread. You may need to call their bluff. Hopefully, they will realize that whether or not someone wears a uniform to the wedding is not a reason to refuse to help pay anymore. Are they more concerned about how the uniform will look in pictures? Or about it 'stealing' attention from the bride and groom?

amberraysofdawn

I appreciate everyone's input, by the way. You've all given me a lot to think about.

amberraysofdawn

In response to a couple of posts - yes, it's more my mom, so I have spoken to my dad about it, but he's trying to stay out of it. In an earlier post response, when I mentioned the discord between my mother and her mother-in-law, it was the same situation. My dad just does not get involved when it comes to taking sides, especially when it comes to family arguments.Canaan - It's more about the "distraction" thing than the wedding pictures. Mom got very upset when I tried to bring it up on Thursday, and went on about how it was "our day" and not a military occasion, yada yada.

bablingbrooke

So if she agrees it's YOUR day, why is she so hung up on something YOU want? Couldn't you just say "Mom, you're right it is our day. We have decided that FI and his friend will wear uniforms. We believe it will make our day complete."

caraanddj

Would she be opposed to him wearing the uniform at the reception?

caraanddj

Ditto Brooke. Maybe try telling Mom you feel like it will take away from it being 'your' day if you know that people are judging you for not allowing those GMs to wear their uniforms.  Not sure if that would cause more problems, but I do agree with approaching it from the angle of 'This is something we really want."

amberraysofdawn

BablingBrooke - I think she just wants us to be the center of attention, period. Like I said in an earlier post, I think this is a sort of a "do-over" wedding for her, because she didn't really get to have one of her own. At least, I think that's the reason she's so obsessed over it.Caraan - I'm not sure if she would be, but I don't like the uniform switching idea too much. I don't think the guys would like it, and would probably be offended by it. I think you guys are right in that I am just going to have to call her bluff...

caraanddj

Good luck! I hope it works out for you the way you want it to, as this seems such an unnecessary thing to make you stress over.

bablingbrooke

Good luck! Let us know how it turns out.