Dilemma

Leah&Christian09

if your parents would withdraw paying for your wedding over the guys dressing in uniforms, you need to tell them to keep their money! This. Exactly. If you let your mom control this issue, even though it's something your FI wants over money, you are setting a presedent. Your mother is going to think that she can waive money in your face and get you to do everything her way, whether it's who you spend holidays with to how you raise your children. And you are already setting yourself for this. If your mother would really drop the funding over GM attire, she is a terrible person and you should get her out of your life at all costs. Call her bluff. If she pulls the funding, postpone the wedding until you can afford to pay for it. Your hall will probably allow you to postpone the date without a big cancellation fee.

sohappyforthem369

Is it too late to get your money back from the hm? If you mom pulls funding and the both of you want a lavish wedding then you could use the hm money to pay for the wedding and do a delayed hm.If you had to plan to pay for the wedding of your dream how long would it take for you and your FI to save up this amount.In order to keep control of your life I'd postpone the wedding if my mom tried to do something like this. Then my fi and I would be writing the checks.

angnron0529

Boy do you have a problem here, and no offense but its your MOM.  Just because she controls the checkbook does NOT mean she controls the day.  Do you want YOUR wedding with YOUR vision and what you and FI want or what your MOM wants?  Cause in 10 years when you are looking at those pictures and your GM is not in his uniform because of a fit your mom threw and your husband is STILL holding a grudge, that's going to be a real problem.  Im sorry but the way I see it they are wanting to honor YOU by wearing their uniforms to your wedding.  And it should be seen that way.  Your BM get a choice in what they wear (choosing their necklines) why dont the guys?  Seriously, I know you want the big shin dig, but if mom is going to be THIS controlling over an issue like this, you have more problems in the future.  Tell her to keep her money and do what you can afford.  You will appreciate it more if you pay for it as well.   

wellthen

OP, are we sisters? LOL. I know exactly what its like to have a crazy mom. The other posters have provided some good ideas and I think if I were you I might go ahead and threaten to pay for the wedding yourselves. Chances are she will find the idea of a cheaper wedding even more horrifying than the GMs wearing their uniforms and will not pull out her funding. Also, if you do end up having to pay for it yourselves, most places will not forfeit your deposit if postpone your date until a time you can afford it. Good luck!

Alko726

I'm obviously coming in very late, but FWIW, FI is Air Force and he's choosing to leave everyone in tuxes. BUT... he's been to weddings with some GM in their dress blues and others in tuxes and says that honestly, people may notice them as they're up at the alter for a few moments before the bride comes walking down the aisle, but after that, no one notices and their attire won't take anything away from all the attention you both will receive as the bride and groom. If it were me, and I bet other guests are the much the same way, people will glance, maybe pay their respects at the reception, but otherwise won't pay any more attention to what any of the WP is wearing or doing because they're there for you. GL with your parents, I hope they don't try to pull the money card on you again when you ask them seriously about it. It sounds important to your FI and I think that's what matters most here.

lyndausvi

I would call her bluff.  If she does take away the checkbook I would have tell EVERYONE the reason why the wedding was cancelled.  Mom would not only look like an a$$ to everyone but she would have one less daughter.Seriously, paying for the wedding mean picking  out the venue, the food and the bar.  Not what the GM's are wearing.

trix1223

I know I'm coming in late to this, but I just have to comment on something OP wrote.We simply don't have the money to cover our own wedding. Yes, we could go to the JP, all that jazz. But fiance and I both agree that we want an actual wedding with the people we care about there.A JOP wedding IS an "actual wedding" and you can have people you care about at a JOP wedding.  What you wrote is just pretty insulting to those who have had a JOP wedding.They are every bit as married as those who have a big princess party.

TheFutureMrsM-LoungingBeachside

I'm late to this too but I also think you need to call your mom's bluff on this because, like PP said, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of her thinking she can control your lifetime choices with her checkbook. Marriages- as well as wedding planning- require compromises. You might not get the dream wedding you always wanted but only you and your FI can decide if that wedding is worth it if your mom is going to act like this.

4ever Young

Although, I'm coming in a little late, I couldn't help telling my family about your situation. I have 8 people in the room with me. 3 women and 5 men. One of the men went to The Citadel and the others are involved in other services. The unanimous decision we have made was that the groomsmen should all wear tuxes. They are standing up for the groom on that day, so they should represent that they are there for him (and the bride).If it is important for them to be recognized, then maybe make a short speech thanking all of the service men and specifically mention them.

AshleyLS

Hi there, I don't post to this board often (in fact, I haven't posted at all in quite a while!), but I wanted to add my 2 cents even though I'm a little late here.I get where you're coming from and I know that right now you're probably super stressed about it and I bet that other people are MAKING you stressed about it, but I SWEAR TO YOU that when you're wedding is all said and done, it's SO not going to matter. If I could give you any advice at all, it would be to do what YOU want. If you decide that you really want them to wear tuxes, then so be it. If you decide that you don't really care, then have a talk w/ your parents (because honestly - you could never NOT be the center of attention). But if there was one single thing I could change about my wedding planning/wedding day it would be that I didn't worry so much about the little things. I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times, but it goes by SO fast - faster than anyone ever told me. And the day after your wedding you're going to wake up and it's all going to be over.. and you're really not going to care who wore what. And a year later, you're going to regret putting so much energy into this decision because this is THE most exciting time of your life and, let's face it.. you've got bigger fish to fry! Good luck with whatever you decide.. and just remember - it is YOUR wedding. Do what you want (not what you think will please the most people - do what will make YOU -- and your hubby -- happy).

ootmother2

"It is SEVERELY disrespectful to ask military personal to wear a tux just because you don't think their dress uniform is formal enough."check an etiquette before making such a statement

ootmother2

Wow!  Very interesting post.I do think it's horrible that any parent would choose to pull financing over something like this.  IMO, the tux are more suitable but quite often personal feelings override the concept of "correct attire"Hope this works out for you!GL

dsouldiva

I read about halfway through all the responses and my opinion is this:When you agree to be in a wedding party you agree to wear (within reason) what the bride and groom ask of you.  Weddings are a celebration of the union of 2 people, without wanting to be disrespectful (because this is not how I mean it to come across) I'm not sure where it becomes compulsory that they also have to "honor" the work of military personnel or any other occupation?I think you need to speak to your FI and try and explain your (and your parents) point of view and come to some agreement, but equally I would consider whether this is really worth fighting about and try and talk to your parents and explain that this is very important to your FI and that should come before matching tuxes.Just a thought but could the issue be rental charges? i.e. Why would you rent a tux when you have a perfectly good dress uniform in your wardrobe?  If this is the issue I would offer to pay the charges, if money is not the issue, back to previous advice!

dsouldiva

I've just ploughed through the rest of the responses, do you think your Mum has threatened to pull the funding because she thinks this subject is important to you and it is a (slightly misguided) way of making sure you get what you want? Perhaps if you reason with her about how unimportant this is in the general scheme of things she will see sense?Otherwise I think compromise is the answer here, Tuxes for the ceremony (bill footed by mother who won't budge), Uniforms for the reception.

ffmaid

Dress uniforms for military is great and is the correct item for him to wear. However that is not true of firemen. The firemans dress uniform is not the same thing . Military shoudl be dress uniform fireman in tux in my opinion

kmmssg

ffmaid - is is not the correct attire for the service member to wear, it is an appropriate choice if the couple chooses.  It is always correct for us to wear civilian attire to a civilian event.  There is no regulatory or implied guidance that we should take it upon ourselves to wear the uniform as a guest at a civilian function.

clevelandcutie

Wow.... Some ladies on here are extremely harsh and rude. They are accusing you of being a bridezilla and yet they have a nasty and rude vibe to their words! For most of us ladies on this site it is our first time getting married and we have a vision of our fairytale wedding....However things are not going to go perfect. This is a delicate subject - you and you fiance's wedding day. My fiance will have 1 police officer and 1 army soldier in his groomsmen. In this situation we must respect the wishes of the groom and his friends. Our fiance's are not telling us what color or style to pick for the bridesmaids or our dress .... It is something that will not be a big deal once the big day is here (: If you act like it is okay with you ~ your family will also brush it off Hope you have an amazing day and don't let negative mean comments hurt you!