Need some advice - MOH and BM help

RedJess31

I have four in my wedding party.  

SarahPLiz

Bottom line, if your wedding is a year away, don't worry if your WP is not excited about it yet. Wedding gowns generally do not take a year to come in, so I doubt you will have a problim finding BM dresses in time. Just chill. Give it some time. Maybe they are all just so tired of doing wedding stuff when its a whole year away. I smell WP burnout. Plus, you have a whole year to work on your relationship with your sister..

SarahPLiz

problem, not problim.. where is that edit button when you need it?

mbcdefg

Let things cool off with the sister for a while. She only needs about 4-6 months to get a dress, and even less time if you go the off-the-rack route, so you could even wait until about that point to ask her if she's still interested in being in the wedding. (If it were a friend, I'd say to cut ties with her if she's a racist, but with a sister it's not always that easy.)With the friend ... yes, you're overreacting a bit. If you've already e-mailed her multiple times about a wedding that's a year away, it's very possible that she's thinking, "Geez, this is annoying. What's the big rush?" There's no need to talk to her about this because she's done nothing wrong. Touch base with her again to see how things are going, but do not mention the wedding at all, and see if she's more apt to respond to you that way. There's no need to discuss dresses or wedding plans a year out. Again, salon BM dresses only take about 4-6 months, tops. So if she's far away, you have several ways that you can handle this when the time comes:* e-mail her some of your ideas for color and length, invite her to go to a local salon to try things on, then e-mail you back by a certain date with some of her favorites. Ask the other BMs to do the same, and then let them vote amongst those. They can order from their local salons or from a wholesaler like Pearl's Place or Netbride.* pick a designer that they can all afford, plus a fabric and color and skirt length. Then let them get any style they want from within those guidelines. Ditto above for ordering. * pick out a few options that you like and you know the girls can afford and will flatter them. Let them vote on their favorite, or pick a few similar styles and let them pick whatever they want from those. * pick a store like J. Crew or Ann Taylor, pick the color and length you want, then let them pick from those styles. They can order online or look on eBay for their sizes. * just specify a color, length and overall formality and guidelines (no sparkles, etc.) and let them pick any dress from any place they want. For example, "Find a knee-length navy blue cocktail dress" or "Wear a long black dress of your choice" and leave it at that. Then they can find a dress at their leisure and pay whatever they want.

ffmaid

First sister issue is not about being MOH it is a sister issue. Your wedding is a year away. Figure out where the two of you stand and if she appoliogizes but this is a family issue not a wedding related issue. If you kick her out you are likely causing a family estrangement so before you do so decide if things have gotten to that point and then deal with it as what it is a fight with your sister. I might in your case mention what she said to your folks I know in my family that woudl cause Mom to talk her into appologizing and being a civil human being BM- your wedding is 1 year away there is nothing for her to be responsive abouty you do not pick dressed for 4-6 months even. Seriously step back and realize that your wedding is a great day a year away in your friends minds there is nothing to be responsive about. She was never relaiable why woudl she be reliable now

jeannigirl

I want to add from the pp do not include your mother in what took place between you and your sister. You two need to work this out between yourselves. One of my sisters did the same thing and got my mother involved with the drama and it only made it worse. I caution you not to take that advice. Mature adults do not go running and get other family members involved. Take care of your own business on stuff like this. Give it some time for things to cool down and then maybe in a couple of weeks give her a call and tell her you would like to see her has you miss her and then you can talk with her to let her know how her comment made you feel. Has far has the other BM with the dress emails. just let it go for a little bit, because you really do have some time on that. Others will get burned out quickly with the wedding planning and such. So just come on here and talk to us and we will help you with any ideas or give you assistance has needed.

RedJess31

Waiting 

RedJess31

jeannigirl, I should clarify -

mbcdefg

Waiting a year to see if my sister stops being a racist jerk is out of the question. She does things like this all the time.When you asked her to be in the wedding, I assume you knew about her attitude, right? So I don't really see why you even asked her to be a bridesmaid (let alone co-MOH) in the first place, if you would later think of kicking her out over her behavior. I agree that that is NOT acceptable, but why did you even involve her in the first place, then?When you know in advance that someone behaves this way, you can either ask them to be in the wedding and then accept them for who they are; or not ask them to be in the wedding at all. It's not right of you to ask her to be a BM and then get mad when she just acts like herself. (I'm not saying that you don't have the right to be mad that she treats your FI poorly, because you certainly DO have the right to be mad ... I'm saying that you don't have the right to expect her to change her ways.)So, two options:1. Leave the door open for her to be a BM. Send her the info for what dress to get and when to get it, and don't involve her in the wedding otherwise. If she doesn't get the dress, then she's taken herself out of the wedding and your hands are clean. 2. Kick her out and be prepared to possibly be estranged from a family member for the rest of your life. If this were a friend acting this way, I'd say kick her out and don't look back and you're better off without her. But for a sister, you may not want to cut her off like that. As for the friend BM - again, you're pushing things way too early here and you're possibly annoying her with talking about dresses a YEAR in advance. Deal with the dress when the time comes. For now, talk about non-wedding things. If she doesn't respond, then go back to option 1 (give her the dress info when the time comes to order, and let her decide from there what she wants to do).

swans alive

As far as your sister goes, I completely agree that the "half breed" comment is completely unacceptable. But I also agree with PP that since she's your sister and I assume you've been dating FI for longer than two days, this probably isn't the first time she's said something like this (or shown racist tendencies). Correct me if I'm wrong, though. If she's said/acted like this before, why DID you ask her to be co-MOH? It's not your fault that she acts this way, but it is your fault for tacitly allowing it by asking her to be in your wedding. Of course, if this behavior is coming out of left field, there may be something else deeper going on. People don't suddenly become racist. In your friend's case, I think it's just an example of "too much, too soon." If your wedding is a year away now, that means you've been emailing her about BM dresses since the 15 month out date, which is FAR too early. If I were here, I'd have put that on the backburner too. You never know, she may have seen your emails, meant to respond then got busy with something else. You have PLENTY of time to order these dresses. Half of my BMs are OOT, and two of them didn't order their dress until two months ago. My wedding is nine days out now and all of their dresses are tailored and ready to go. It will be fine. Just give her a call, as a friend, and don't mention a thing about the wedding. Catch up with her. She probably needs to feel like there's still her friend underneath the bride. "No one cares about my wedding as much as I do." -- remember that phrase, and repeat it as needed.

swans alive

If I were her* -- not "If I were here"

jeannigirl

redjesse: I meant that I was responding to one of the other comments concerning the not getting mom involved. Sorry that you thought I was saying that you got mom involved. Your sister is totally wrong and she is very racist. It is totally unacceptable and I would not tolerate that either. I also can totally relate has I do have some racist family that make comments about my FI (about his ethniticty) they think it won't get back to me or that I didn't get it. I personally would not want anyone to be in my WP that made such a blanant remark has she has, and on top of that she won't even apolize which is her choice if she does or doesn't. She's rotten and I would tell her that was a rotten thing to say and if she isn''t willing to make ammends to you and to FI then I would say I cannot go along with you has part of my WP has you are not in support of my FI and I.

RedJess31

Becuase while I knew she wasn't 

jeannigirl

I wouldn't ignore someone who asked me my opinion. Its really not that time consuming to answer yes it works or no it doesn't. I do want to say that your the one wearing the dress if you like it then just go ahead and order the dress, I do understand that you wanted her feed back but for what ever reason she's not. So if she doesn't like it then that means you will not get the dress? I guess I am on the mind set that if I like something then I will get it. Did you have your moment in the dress, to mean it sounds like your not to sure about the dress?

mbcdefg

No, I would not ignore a friend's request for an opinion on my dress. But maybe the e-mail went to her Spam folder, or maybe she doesn't check that e-mail account anymore. Maybe she doesn't like it but is afraid to tell you that because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe she got tired of other wedding-related e-mails and just ignored this one, or maybe she's upset that you're e-mailing her instead of calling her. Don't just assume that she's being a bad friend ... maybe something happened where she didn't get the message. I would call her up, spend some time asking her how she's doing, and then mention that you have a dress in mind and would really value her honest opinion about it and ask if she can get back to you soon with her comments. You can order a wedding gown about 8 months out, so relax because you still have time. But if she doesn't answer ... I can totally understand being depressed about it, but don't blame her for holding up your dress order. Ultimately it needs to be YOUR decision, not hers. It's awesome if she can offer constructive criticism about it, but you're the one making the decision and placing the order at the end of the day. If she won't offer an opinion, then seek someone else's opinion (other friends, maybe Knot people) and/or go with your own gut.

RedJess31

jeannigirl - Yeah, I did have a moment with that dress.  

mbcdefg

I can understand being disappointed, sure.

FutureMrsAugusta

I tried to read all those replies to your post and my head started spinning... I am going to chime in, and people can think I'm nuts, or not, I really don't care. My wedding is a little more than 11 months aways, so, we're both in the same sort of boat. First, I understand the idea of your sister being a co-MOH simply because she's your sister, or at least that was the idea I got from your post... I assume that she may have made it known she wasn't thrilled about your FI to begin with, but I personally say if she's making a racist comment to you, I would personally not find it unacceptable to unask her to be a MOH. If she's making the comment to you about your FI and future family, that is inappropriate, and disrespectful. Don't feel bad about letting your mother know what happened because your mom came to you about it, not the other way around. If your sister is going to shut your family out because she was wrong, that is very childish of her, and you do not want a person like that to dampen the spirit of your wedding day and bridal party. As your your BM, I do not think it is too early to be asking your FRIEND her opinion about your dress. At this point, if she does not want to give you feedback, go on and decide for yourself. You know what your style is, and you know what your "dream dress" looks like. Trust your other 2 bridesmaids to give your there opinions and everything will be fine. As far as BM dresses go, I always recommend Davids Bridal, because despite the "commercialism" of DB, they always have great styles for a reasonable price, and you can always mix and match styles that work well together and can gaurentee each girl gets the same color and it's not a "ok, go get Hot Pink" and each girl buys a dress that she considers "hot pink" but they wont all match, you can easily say "go buy a Watermelon dress" and they go to davids bridal and say "I need a dress in watermelon" and everyone gets the same color. just my opinion.

AmyLaurel89

 I have a really tight relationship with my sister. but if she EVER said things like that I'd kick her out of my wedding so fast. She may need to apologize but it doesn't mean she gets to be in your wedding. This is a bigger issue.As for the BP not being apathetic, its just the timing. you are all excited and worried about planning but its just not on their mind. You may try getting together with them all individually if you have to and talk with them about your plans to get them on board. Since they are so far away you should start now. call them about this stuff, don't email!

RedJess31

Thanks for the responses all!