Can I substitute a bridesmaid the week before my wedding?

juli86ana

Hi, I thought I would never be someone who would even THINK of this, and that I knew all of my friends so well that my bridesmaids would all be drama- free super women. Wrong! Ok, all but one have been amazing, so I guess I need to see the bigger picture.
The one that is far less than amazing, came on the bachlorette trip & b*tched the whole time, stiffed me for $ to split gas, no-showed to my shower without calling (she emailed the morning of saying she was "under the weather" and then didn't return calls when I called her), and now, just stood me up for drinks one week from my wedding! Furthermore, she has not lifted one FINGER on simple, fun things that I ask her to help with, even if I offer to cook her dinner and get a bottle of wine!
I have loads of other close friends who have been more supportive than she has and I am thinking that she needs to be replaced. I even have two extra bridesmaid dresses that didn't fit my sisters that the new girl could wear! I just don't want to look back at my bridal party photos and remember what a b*tch she was to me leading up to my wedding!
Help, please! Honest and harsh if it needs to be.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-i-substitute-a-bridesmaid-the-week-before-my-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b43696b-3bff-443a-a506-24e40af83d8fPost:2b938c53-cdba-48c9-a693-ff3c2f1fda69">Can I substitute a bridesmaid the week before my wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I thought I would never be someone who would even THINK of this, and that I knew all of my friends so well that my bridesmaids would all be drama- free super women. Wrong! Ok, all but one have been amazing, so I guess I need to see the bigger picture. The one that is far less than amazing, came on the bachlorette trip & b*tched the whole time, stiffed me for $ to split gas,<strong> no-showed to my shower without calling (she emailed the morning of saying she was "under the weather" and then didn't return calls when I called her)</strong>, and now, just stood me up for drinks one week from my wedding! Furthermore, she has not lifted one FINGER on simple, fun things that I ask her to help with, even if I offer to cook her dinner and get a bottle of wine! I have loads of other close friends who have been more supportive than she has and I am thinking that she needs to be replaced. I even have two extra bridesmaid dresses that didn't fit my sisters that the new girl could wear! I just don't want to look back at my bridal party photos and remember what a b*tch she was to me leading up to my wedding! Help, please! Honest and harsh if it needs to be.
Posted by juli86ana[/QUOTE]
She didn't call you, but she did e-mail you. I know it's not the exact same thing, but when I'm really sick I resort to texts and emails, then shut my phone off or put it on silent. She might have been faking it, but she did get in touch with you, so there's that.

Here's the thing... if you kick her out of your wedding, it could potentially be a friendship ending move. Do you want to take it that far? If so, go ahead and tell her not to bother showing up.
Keep in mind, you should definitely prepare to pay her back for anything she did pay for, like her bridesmaid dress.

Some people just aren't into doing wedding stuff, like organizing favors or licking envelopes. If you need help, the person you really should go to is your fiance. Or you can hire a co-ordinator to help you. If some other friends want to help you then great, but you shouldn't be picking your bridal party based on who helped you more. That's silly.

As far as replacing her goes... why does she need to be replaced?
Some people have been asked to be a replacement BM and were totally cool with it. Some people were offended to be asked. Why were they offended? It's like saying, "You didn't make the first cut, but now that I have an opening, can you fill in?" It's weird to have people be replacements, like seat fillers at award shows or something.

You have a decision to make. If you ask her to leave the bridal party, you could lose a friend for good. It doesn't sound like you care if you're friends with her anymore, though. What ever you choose to do, good luck!

Viczaesar

Absolutely none of those things are reasons to kick her out of your wedding. If you do so you will ruin the friendship for a BS reason and will look like a bridezilla.

juli86ana

I raised my concerns with examples in a well written email, one that also said that maybe I have been preoccupied and not as good of a friend as I could have been and asked her if she still wanted to be in the wedding- but that she needs to call me and talk to me! Radio silence is immature and not cool. Ball is in her court.
I don't think I have adequately communicated how many times I have called her to hang out- no answer, no texts back... and standing me up for drinks without so much as a phonecall? She also was posting on facebook the day of my shower so too sick to pick up the phone? I kind of doubt it.
My bridesmaids were not asked to plan a shower, my mom's friend hosted; my sister planned the entire bachelorette with no help and it was $300 total for food, housing, and entertainment. I picked a dress designer and fabric with styles that was under $150 and let them all pick their own style... Bridezilla I am not. I am honestly just crushed by her behavior and don't want that thorn in my side on my wedding day, in all the photos, etc. can you blame me?

Simply Fated

I don't think I have adequately communicated how many times I have called her to hang out- no answer, no texts back... and standing me up for drinks without so much as a phonecall?
It sounds like your problems go further than just your wedding.
When you do talk to her, I suggest not bringing up your wedding, at first. Get to the root of the problem and then deal with wedding issues.
If she doesn't contact you back, then I guess you got your answer.

She also was posting on facebook the day of my shower so too sick to pick up the phone? I kind of doubt it.
Well, she sent you an e-mail saying she's "under the weather." I'm not sure what else you expected to get out of a phone call.


No one said you're a Bridezilla, just that you shouldn't be choosing your bridal party members based on how much they've helped you with wedding stuff, which is something you brought up. That's all.

I'm trying to be helpful because I do understand that you don't want her to be in your wedding photos. You want to be surrounded by friends, not people who you might not be friends with the day after your wedding. I totes don't blame you.

The ball is in her court. If you both decide that it would be best if she isn't in your bridal party, that's fine but please take into account that it could potentially wreck your friendship for good.

missglinda14

I understand how you feel and it sounds like you may have a friendship problem more than anything. If you want to just end the friendship instead of working it out, by all means kick her out of the BP. But whatever you and her decide to do, don't replace her with someone else just for the sake of replacing her. The person you stick in a dress the week before your wedding will feel like a second rate friend and you shouldn't want anyone you care about to feel that way.

GoodLuckBear14

If I had to venture a guess, I would say she cannot afford what you think is inexpensive.  There was a time when I did not have ten dollars to spare and being a b*tch or faking sick were easier than admitting this to friends.

As for replacement, the others have covered this for the current BM.  What I haven't seen is anyone ask how you think the replacement would feel knowing that she wasn't close enough for you to ask in the first place but is close enough to act as a prop so that you have even numbers.

Maggie0829

I had a friend who was in my wedding that I and she went a month or more without talking to each other during the entire year prior to the wedding. She didn't help with anything wedding related except for picking up the cake for my bridal shower. Are we still friends? Yes. Did I care she didn't help with anything? Nope. I am now a BM in her wedding and have been helping her by giving suggestions for vendors and I can't wait to plan her bridal shore and Bach party, but I am way more into the wedding stuff then she is. I think you need to remove the wedding from the equation and ask yourself if how your friend is asking is how she normally acts or is this a recent change. If it is recent then maybe you should ask her if there is anything wrong...she may be going through something in her own life. If this is typical behavior then you can't expect her to change just because you are getting married.

catloverd

I have a couple bridesmaids who weren't able to attend any of my my parties. One was on vacation and the other lives a state away. I have only my maid of honor and one other bridesmaid throw the parties for me. However, NONE of them helped me with anything else. I did everything myself. Now I am very much a a planner and control freak when it comes to making sure everything is right, so I'm glad they didn't pester to help me out at all. 

I think you need to just seperate the wedding from your friend's behavior. Has she always been like this? Did she not call you up when you have other plans? A lot of people don't use phones these days, she e-mailed you, so she did contact you. It's a sad fact, but even when I'm sick for work, I just send in an e-mail. Calling is no longer seen as a necessity and can actually be bothersome. 

Bridesmaids aren't supposed to be your slaves and servants so she doesn't have to anything at all. If you wanted them to help you out, you should have made that clear in the beginning and then picked those who are willing to help.

I agree that maybe she just doesn't have money right now. However, I don't think bitching is a good way for her to deal with it. I think you just need to have a heart to heart. Tell her how you feel and find out why she's acting this way. Maybe she just isn't into weddings or maybe there's more to it. 

Summer2011Bride

You absolutely should not replace her. Not only will it make her feel like crap for reasons already listed, but her "replacement" won't feel great about being second-string either and only good enough to be in it when someone else is kicked out.

It sounds like there might be more friendship issues going on her. And I said friendship, not wedding. Leave your wedding out of it and focus on your relationship with her. I would truly get over the phone call bridal shower thing. She wasn't a no-show; she DID communicate with you. What else would you want out of a phone call that you didn't get from her e-mail? Did you want a chance to badger her or guilt her about it? I mean really.

She, nor any BM, is required to help with anything. You keep saying you are no bridezilla and are so accommodating, but you obviously had expectations of her helping with stuff since you brought up the fact she has NOT and are angry about it.

juli86ana

I think it is more of a friendship thing- and it's sad but the wedding has put it in the forefront. I have not required anoyone to help me- the opposite in fact, I have done everything but two projects myself. She is just close to my parents (she used to babysit my little sister in fact) and so I have invited her to join me and another bridesmaid at the house to do things that are fun over dinner & chatting and she has no interest. More to the point, all of the other girls have offered to help (most of them haven't actually pitched in, but it's the thought that counts!), asked how I am doing, etc. She has been on radio silence and a friendship can't be one ended. Especially standing me up for drinks, that was just unkind. And money is not the issue, she has a great job.
Again, I emailed her asking her if she wanted to continue to be in our wedding in light of these things, trying to keep the focus on how her actions made me feel as her friend- but shouldering a fair share of the blame myself for the slightly more self centered attitude that comes with the territory of planning "my" day. I honestly hope she emails back or calls and we can talk, but I am not optimistic

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-i-substitute-a-bridesmaid-the-week-before-my-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b43696b-3bff-443a-a506-24e40af83d8fPost:14282f67-22d9-4301-b269-43857ec59a7b">Re: Can I substitute a bridesmaid the week before my wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it is more of a friendship thing- and it's sad but the wedding has put it in the forefront. I have not required anoyone to help me- the opposite in fact, I have done everything but two projects myself. She is just close to my parents (she used to babysit my little sister in fact) and <strong>so I have invited her to join me and another bridesmaid at the house to do things that are fun over dinner & chatting and she has no interest.</strong> More to the point, all of the other girls have offered to help (most of them haven't actually pitched in, but it's the thought that counts!), asked how I am doing, etc. She has been on radio silence and a friendship can't be one ended. Especially standing me up for drinks, that was just unkind. <strong>And money is not the issue, she has a great job.</strong> Again, I emailed her asking her if she wanted to continue to be in our wedding in light of these things, trying to keep the focus on how her actions made me feel as her friend- but shouldering a fair share of the blame myself for the slightly more self centered attitude that comes with the territory of planning "my" day. <strong>I honestly hope she emails back or calls and we can talk, but I am not optimistic :(
</strong>Posted by juli86ana[/QUOTE]

Maybe the things you think are fun are things she doesn't think are fun. And just because you think she has a great job doesn't mean she manages her finances well. She may be struggling.

Here's a crazy thought -- pick up the phone and call her or *gasp* drive to her house and speak to her face-to-face.

So who is your backup choice? Do you have somebody in mind or are you just going to ask random women until somebody agrees to fill the slot? How is that conversation even going to go?

MyNameIsNot

Unless she got violent with you or tried to sleep with your FI, kicking her out of your wedding is wrong.  Kicking someone out is one of the nastiest things you can do to a person.  This is a girl that you considered one of your closest friends just a few short months ago.  Why would you suddenly think it was ok to treat her that way?  

She may be having problems you don't know about, or she may just not be being a very good friend right now.  Neither of those things would justify you kicking her out.  If you did, you would ruin your friendship with her and come off looking like a horrible person to everyone else.  

You also can't add another person now.  This is not a chorus line with a set number of spaces to fill.  If the replacement wasn't good enough to make the first string, she doesn't belong.  

You really need to get a grasp on what a bridal party is about.  It seems that you have unreasonable expectations and a misunderstanding of the purpose.  You don't ask them so that they can support and help you, or to shower you with attention, parties and gifts.  You ask them so that you can honor a special friendship.  It seems that you've lost signt of that.  

LondonLisa

Ditto CMGr!

I know it can be hard to get perspective in the middle of wedding planning, but you constantly asking her if she wants to be in the wedding makes her hear "I don't want you to be in the wedding" (like what stage manager said).

This isn't a job, it is a role on honour that you give to your friends because you care about them. Be a good friend, call her up and ask to come over or go over to her house. Do NOT talk about your wedding, instead try to ask what is going on in her life. You two are in desperate need of a heart to heart WITHOUT any wedding talk.

I think it is pretty mean to care more about your photos more than your friends (both the feelings of the one you would want to replace AND the feelings of the b-listed girl you are thinking of replacing her with).

stantokm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-i-substitute-a-bridesmaid-the-week-before-my-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b43696b-3bff-443a-a506-24e40af83d8fPost:0b94b331-85d0-4595-ac6e-33891904d6d1">Re: Can I substitute a bridesmaid the week before my wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]You want honesty?  OK!  Grow up, Bridezilla.  She doesn't have to do any of the things you are expecting her to do.  All she has to do is to show up at your wedding, wearing the dress, walk down the aisle and smile for the camera.  For you to even think about "replacing her" shows a great lack of feeling on your part.  If you were HER friend, you wouldn't think about this.  You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. How old are you?
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>The OP is upset.  Sure, she's misguided on what a BM's responsibilities are, but she's not a terrible person.  Name-calling doesn"t help.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, you"ve already heard from PPs--you should try to sit down with your friend and figure out how she"s feeling,  She might feel like you've been unkind and/or unfair to her.  This all probably stems from a lack of communication.  When you talk to her, apologize by saying something like, "I've been stressed out because of wedding stuff and I'm sorry if I've done anything to hurt you or aggravate you."  If she feels like you have done anything like that, she'll tell you then.  You might be surprised,</div><div>
</div><div>Or she might be a bad friend.  But you need to talk to her...and don't replace her in the wedding just because you resent her right now--it looks like you're punishing her and most girls won't like being a last resort.</div>