After reading tons of posts

ButtonsPepper

I get the whole "there are no duity's of a BM or a MOH". HOWEVER.... I think when most people agree to be a BM in a wedding, they expect to chip in/help plan a bridal shower, the bach party, the dress, etc. I know when I agree to be a BM those are things that the bride is probably expecting me to do. Why is it any different if I'm the bride?

My MOH didn't plan the bach party, a few of my BM are, and I know my MOH can't come, and that's fine... but I was a little disappointed at first, because I thought she would be there...

I get demanding things from friends/relatives is not the way to do things, but lets be honest here, if all my BM's (friends) were like we aren't doing any of this stuff, tough... when I did it for a few of them already, I would be hurt and disappointed. Would I demand it of them, no... but I think generally, it is expected.

When girls come on here upset that their BM's or MOH is basically blowing off everything, they have every right to be hurt by it. I'm not saying demand things, but it's upsetting when you yourself do things, and it isn't returned.

I'm lucky to have friends/family who respond to e mails, and are happy to pick out their BM dresses... but if I didn't, I gotta say, I'd be disappointed that they were doing nothing.

Mrs.B6302007

I don't think anyone says a bride shouldn't have hurt feelings regarding BMs.  I think the general consensus is to remember that the BMs are people with their own lives, just like the bride, and that it's a two-way street.  BMs can have their feelings hurt by demanding brides just like brides can have their feelings hurt by unexcited BMs.    The point that most posters try to make is that nothing changes just because a bride is getting married.   Brides still need to remember that the BMs were their friends and family first and BMs second.

AdeleDazeem

Honestly, I felt the way you did, Buttons... until life got in the way.

I was a MOH in my best friend's wedding several years ago.  I was in NO financial position to pay for her shower.  I couldn't plan it, I couldn't organize it, I just couldn't.  There was no way.  It didn't make me a bad friend and I am extremely grateful that my friend in no way made me feel guilty about it.  She picked me because she loves me, not because I could pay for and plan her shower.

If your friends are happy that you are getting married and that you are so happy with the way your life is going, that is what matters.

I feel like most friends would try to be there and be excited for you, but extenuating circumstances will always be there for some of them.  Honestly, some of the stories around here about "bad bridesmaids" and how they are acting, I wonder why these girls are even friends with each other.

Mrs.B6302007

Honestly, some of the stories around here about "bad bridesmaids" and how they are acting, I wonder why these girls are even friends with each other.

:nodding along:
I think that many brides make "obligatory" BM choices and don't realize that in reality, that's what they're doing. 

ButtonsPepper

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_after-reading-tons-of-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:25c03ad1-3db3-4938-8cc7-513ad46a7ea5Post:093acb97-939d-4605-8474-779526e212e0">Re: After reading tons of posts</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I felt the way you did, Buttons... until life got in the way. I was a MOH in my best friend's wedding several years ago.  I was in NO financial position to pay for her shower.  I couldn't plan it, I couldn't organize it, I just couldn't.  There was no way.  It didn't make me a bad friend and I am extremely grateful that my friend in no way made me feel guilty about it.  She picked me because she loves me, not because I could pay for and plan her shower. If your friends are happy that you are getting married and that you are so happy with the way your life is going, that is what matters. I feel like most friends would try to be there and be excited for you, but extenuating circumstances will always be there for some of them.  Honestly, some of the stories around here about "bad bridesmaids" and how they are acting, I wonder why these girls are even friends with each other.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I get when you CAN'T do something... but my problem I think is that girls on here give those girls so much crap for being disappointed, or expecting certain things... and to be honest, to a degree they should expect just a little bit. I know my sister can't do all that much, so I'm not mad at all that she can't come/help plan the bach party, whatever. But would it upset me if none of the girls cared to do anything? You betcha. I know their lives aren't going crazy because it's my wedding, but if they are my super awesome close BFF's.... I would think... THINK, that they would want to make it nice for me, and not be a bitch about it. And I'd be upset with them, not as a BM, but as a friend, for basically just saying whatever it's your life not mine... because that's not how friends are supposed to work. If someone really couldn't afford to do/plan anything... you should be close enough to your BM/MOH to get that certain story.. .as opposed to people just not caring.

banana468

I think the important thing to realize here is that it's fine to feel a certain way.

However as adults, we're in control of our BEHAVIOR.

That means that while yes, it's tradition to do things for the bride, it's never appropriate to demand or get passive-aggressive when your dearest friends don't do what you want.

If someone came on here as a BM, I'd advise her to see what she can do to help the bride and that she should help to co-plan a shower and bachelorette within her means.

However if a bride came on here and said, "The BMs didn't plan a shower or bachelorette so now how do I demote them?" the answer is YOU DON'T.

Good friends don't make demands of each other and they don't ask their friends do do things inappropriately. 

Friendship exists every day of there year.  The bride doesn't get a one-sided friendship in honor of her wedding.

ButtonsPepper

I get what you are saying about demanding things/demoting, that is never right.... I just dont' get how everyone says BM's don't have unwritten duties. because in a sense, they do. It doesn't make them a horrible friend if they don't do what you think they should... but it's disappointing if they don't. I don't think a bride should be made to feel like a horrible friend for begin disappointed that their BFF is basically being a horrible friend by blowing off everything they have to say. Example...

When a friend gets dumped by a BF, you sometimes are there for weeks, months, trying to cheer that friend up. You are consistently there for phone calls, for pep talks, for nights when they just cry, etc. I don't say well it's not my break up so deal with it yourself. I think good friends, should be there for other friends (when they can) through any major life change... and when you are blown off, it sucks.. and it doesn't make you a crappy BM/MOH/Bride, it makes you a crappy friend.

duckie1905

Very rarely have I done anything as a BM.  I've never planned a shower.  I've planned one bach party.  I don't like making favors, going to vendor meetings, picking out menus, or designing printing programs.

Why is it so hard for brides to understand that some women are just not that into weddings?  Now, I had a shower and I had a bach party and I love my MOH as my friend, not my MOH.  If she wouldn't have been able to plan these things I would've been fine.  I wouldn't have died if I had to go to BBB and buy my kitchen utensils myself.  I also would not have been upset had I not had a night of druken craziness with the girls two weeks before my wedding.

I just don't get what brides don't understand.  No one is entitled to a shower or a party.  No one is entitled to help from the BMs or anyone but your FI.

aerinpegadrak

I think what most people are trying to get across is that brides need to deal with their wedding party as friends primarily, rather than focusing on their role and the trappings that are supposed to go along with it.  Most bridesmaids will do what they can to help the bride, but if someone isn't, there's not necessarily anything wrong with that.  Maybe they're just not wedding people, maybe they're really busy, or maybe they're going through a tough time.  None of these make them bad friends, or bad bridesmaids.

A lot of brides seem to be using the title of "Bridesmaid" or "MOH" as a reward for being helpful during the planning process, that should be taken away if the person isn't performing to expectations.  It's an outlook we try to discourage.

Mrs.B6302007

What you say makes sense, buttons.  You're right...your friends should want to step up to the wedding plate just like they should want to help out during hard times or just like they should want to celebrate the good times. The problem with most of the BM complaints on here is the friendships to begin with.  Some of the brides haven't found those true life-long, for-richer-for-poorer, for-better-or-worse friends yet.  Sometimes those friendships are made in highschool and college and sometimes they don't come along until later. It's a maturity thing and it seems to be a bigger problem among the younger brides. I'm not bashing younger brides....just stating some things that I've observed on the boards.

banana468

Here's the difference though, when your friend is recently dumped, does she TELL you that you need to come over and do things?  Or do you do those things on your own because you want to?


The same holds here when wedding planning.  The friends and family should do things because they want to and NEVER because the bride has told them what to do.


And doesn't that make it better?  Something from my husband just isn't as fun for either one of us if I have to pester and berate him into doing something for me.  And the same holds here with your friends.  Ideally they'll do these things but sometimes that just isn't possible.

If your BMs just don't want to do nice things for you the bride then there are bigger issues with the friendship.

However if your BMs CAN'T do things then that doesn't mean that they're bad.  It just means that sometimes there are things that get in the way...and good friends should understand that.

caymans_christy

I think that feeling disappointed is justified.  But like pps stated, you control your reaction.  I am disappointed my best friend is pregnant and due 5 days before my wedding.  But, I'm not going to make her feel bad about not coming, or make her feel bad because when we talk it is about more than just my wedding. 

I think that the point that the other ladies are trying to make here and in other posts is that your focus should be on your friendships, and not the duties of your WP.  If one of your BMs is doing everything in her power to crap on your wedding, you need to figure out why...  isn't she one of your closest friends?  You can be ticked off or disappointed, but then you need to figure out what is going on with your friend.  Piling more expectations or dumping your frustrations onto her is not going to fix the problem.

If you nurture the friendships, the excitement and helpfulness will come.

caymans_christy

I should probably clarify, I am not disappointed that my best friend is pregnant, just that she is unable to come to my wedding...  I am excited for the little baby that I will get to spoil...

AdeleDazeem

My point was more subtle, Buttons.

I felt very guilty about not being involved the way I thought (at the time) a MOH should be.  She got it long before I did - that the position has nothing to do with my ability to plan a shower, show up at a shower, plan a b-party or anything else other than showing up in the dress and supporting her marriage and her life.  That the was the point.  It all clicked then.

I can see being dissappointed if your bridesmaids are showing NO interest in your wedding.  But, I think those problems are more severe and different.  And usually, they are friendship problems, not bridesmaid problems.

rainedrop6

Buttons, I think you make a great point and it's very well said.

SarahPLiz

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice...

rainedrop6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_after-reading-tons-of-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:25c03ad1-3db3-4938-8cc7-513ad46a7ea5Post:9c737296-596c-4a69-89f8-1bb59b960ef6">Re: After reading tons of posts</a>:
[QUOTE]Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice...
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

Sorry to disappoint! Those of you who think I've been MIA due to something you've said are pretty pathetic. I have a hectic life outside of TK and have been too busy recently will real life things like the holidays, work, being out of town, planning my wedding, parties, and the sudden death of one of my participants. Posting just hasn't been a top priority with all the other stuff going on. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_after-reading-tons-of-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:25c03ad1-3db3-4938-8cc7-513ad46a7ea5Post:9c737296-596c-4a69-89f8-1bb59b960ef6">Re: After reading tons of posts</a>:
[QUOTE]Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice...
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]
Dammit, I warned Meg...

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_after-reading-tons-of-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:25c03ad1-3db3-4938-8cc7-513ad46a7ea5Post:664090a2-f998-4c09-bf03-8ac1593a63d1">Re: After reading tons of posts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: After reading tons of posts : Sorry to disappoint! Those of you who think I've been MIA due to something you've said are pretty pathetic. I have a hectic life outside of TK and have been too busy recently will real life things like the holidays, work, being out of town, planning my wedding, parties, and the sudden death of one of my participants. Posting just hasn't been a top priority with all the other stuff going on. 
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]


????Guess I'm missing a backstory.

jeannigirl

Being in a WP is not a duty it is an honor. I am a strong believer in the fact that being in a WP does not come with a list of duties or responsebilities. Has brides we did not hire them to perform duties. Obsiously their are many very young brides who think this way that these girls owe you things that pertain to your wedding.

Now this may tick off some but this is a board that anyone can voice their opinions advice etc. Your wedding is for you and FI to plan and coordinate. If you need help then maybe you may think about hiring a planner if its to much or if both you and FI have busy lifes. I do understand that their are people who do more for others and it sounds like you are one has well ( I am the very same way) It is hard to grasp when we have done so much for a friend that we believe they will do the same for us. That is not always the way it goes. If they aren't has giving has you in a friendship it isn't going to be any different when it comes to your wedding.

If we expect people to do the same thing that we do we will most certaintly be disappointed. In life their are those lessons to be learned has we become adults and know that people just may not operate on the same wave length has us. So if your expectations are high then you may face many more times of being discoraged and upset. Being any of those is a choice we make.

The best way to handle this is to ask if they can assist you with things you may need.They will help with what they feel comfortable with. Noone but you wants to hear wedding talk or be doing wedding things with you for a whole year or more. Its to over whelming and they will become burned out and will withdraw.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_after-reading-tons-of-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:25c03ad1-3db3-4938-8cc7-513ad46a7ea5Post:32659180-f365-4e6d-9fb7-fa0d41e3ec93">Re: After reading tons of posts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: After reading tons of posts : Dammit, I warned Meg...
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]


But I only said it <strong>once</strong> ... clearly, I can't be held responsible.

megk8oz

Regarding the actual topic:

I'm not saying being dissapointed is the bad thing. I think, though, that expecting your BMs to make your wedding the center of their universe is completely unreasonable. While not every girl that's come here to complain about their WP is doing just that, there is a lot of "Well, I picked them over somebody else because I knew the other person couldn't throw me a party or help plan" ... which, kinda screams "entitlement issues" to me.

I'm sure a giant amount of my disgust for these girls that say they feel entitled to parties and planning sessions and booting people for not giving up everything in the name of her pretty princess day is, I have way bigger problems than what my BP is doing for me and I guess it's given me some perspective on what's really important.

For anybody who hasn't been following my story, my older sister (And BM) is essentially one meltdown away from being institutionalized (And no, that's not an exageration). All 4 of my siblings (3 of which are in my BP) still live at home (I live about 5 minutes away), so this is a very real situation to all of us that no amount of denial is going to get rid of. My 1 brother is a GM, since he's not "my" side of the BP, does that mean my sisters are supposed to treat me like a queen while he gets "let off the hook" to go deal with that reality?

On top of that, my parents recently found out that their house is being foreclosed on (You know, the one that my 4 siblings and infant neice all live in). So they are all staring down the barrell of not having place to live in a few months.

With all of this going on, it's hard to make my wedding one of my priorities. Call me crazy, but a pretty princess day seems rather trivial in the midst of all this.

So yeah, I'm sorry, but them bending over backwards to kiss my tiara, because "that's what BMs are supposed to do" just seems absolutely ridiculous. Yeah, on my actual wedding day, I'm not going to lie, I'm expecting it to be all about FI and I. But anything before that, I don't think so. My family (and I) have got bigger things to worry about than "Roses or Tulips?" and "Pool or Mermaid?" and whether or not I was thrown a kick-ass bach party.

ButtonsPepper

megk - If ANY of my bridesmaids even had anything remotely close to what you are going through, to have ANYONE focus on a wedding would be an impossible thing IMO. This is not what I am talking about though. :-( I hate when I read situations like yours, not for wedding purposes, but for anyone to go through what your family is going through during any time period is tough, I wish you ton's of luck and prayer through it all.

MyNameIsNot

Personally, as a bride, when I was sure my friends knew that I wasn't expecting them to do anything, but they offered to anyway, I was a thousand times more honored that they'd offer than if I thought they were checking off some list of duties.

My friends mean more to me than what they can do for me.

megk8oz

Buttons, I appreciate that. It's hard, but at the same time, my older sister's problem have been something that I've grown up with, so it's not like it's "new" ... it just never stops being a painful experience. And with my parents, I've known for a while they aren't in the best shape financially, but this is the house I grew up in, so the though of them losing it just kills me. I keep thinking that I should've just given them the money FI and I spent on the wedding to try and help, but they never would have accepted our help anyway.

But because of all this going on, I tend to get very, very, very irritated when I see girls whining about what their BP is and isn't doing for them, because I just want to say "Dude, you think you've got problems because you're thinking your shower won't be 'nice enough'?"(Which, we've seen this question quite a few times).

ButtonsPepper

I get that. I think when you feel entitled/let it affect your relationship with your friends you have big problems, and are a bit of a zilla. But when people say "all a BM MOH needs to do is stand there with a dress" I tend to disagree. Yes, that's all they NEED to do, but if they are close enough to you where you asked, and they don't have some crazy situation going on.... they should want to do the normal things MOST people have during the wedding. It would be crazy for my friends to blow everything off...

Note: I have not asked BM's MOH to do anything, they have done it all on their own, and I have been extremely grateful. Just sayign for girls to be a little upset because suzy refuses to even try on dresses... you've got a problem with the friendship, or suzy is just being a bitch... If it's the first, x out the wedding talk and see what's up, if she's just being a bitch, I feel like you have the room to be disappointed, not in your BM, but in your friend...

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I would totally chip in with planning and parties if I was a BM... because I love planning and I have the means to throw a party.

But my BMs are not necessarily like that. I love them, but I don't love them because they throw kick-ass bridal showers. I'm paying for their dresses because I want their financial obligations for a party I'm throwing for myself (my wedding) to be very minimal.

One like to do planning and is actually really excited about going dress shopping. The second doesn't bring up the topic of the wedding much because we talk about a ton of other things when we see each other.

Basically, knowing my BMs as well as I do, I know its NOT a slight or an insult when they "forget" to do something wedding-related. Also, neither have planned weddings or been involved in weddings much before at all. At this point I do know a lot more about wedding planning than they do.

banana468

I think that's the point though Buttons.

There are the things that a BM NEEDS to do and then there are the the things that she traditionally does.

But for the bride to refer to the traditional things a BM does as her duties is where the bride goes wrong.

That's the point that many knotties including myself are trying to make.  

Think of it as Office Space and the pieces of flair.  Sure, you don't want to do "Just the minimum" but you shouldn't penalize for it either.

LarissaAnn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_after-reading-tons-of-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:25c03ad1-3db3-4938-8cc7-513ad46a7ea5Post:0526f178-d62e-448c-869e-1bb83a91fec4">Re: After reading tons of posts</a>:
[QUOTE]Think of it as Office Space and the pieces of flair.  Sure, you don't want to do "Just the minimum" but you shouldn't penalize for it either.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
Best movie ever, and works as a reference for SO many situations!

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_after-reading-tons-of-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:25c03ad1-3db3-4938-8cc7-513ad46a7ea5Post:0526f178-d62e-448c-869e-1bb83a91fec4">Re: After reading tons of posts</a>:
[QUOTE]Think of it as Office Space and the pieces of flair.  Sure, you don't want to do "Just the minimum" but you shouldn't penalize for it either.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

This. A million times over, this.

Your BMs only <em>need</em> to wear 15 pieces of flair. If they voluntarily wear 35, then YAY! But if you go around making them feel like crap because they didn't choose to wear 35 (For whatever reason), then eventually Jennifer Anniston is going to flip you off and go work at Friday's instead.

banana468

And if she's working at Friday's after she quit Flingers, you know she won't go back to eat at the place where she ultimately decided she was too abused to return.