Wedding Party

Should his sister be my bridesmaid?

Okay, this is a question that keeps coming up.  I met my finace through his sister, who was one of my best friends at the time.  His sister and I had a falling out and didn't talk for almost five years.  When he and I started talking and then dating, she and I started to be friends again, but we're not as close as we used to be.

He doesn't care if she is or isn't a bridesmaid.  He just wants us to work things out so we're okay friend wise.  I'm back and forth about her being a bridesmaid because I don't want to cause any hard feelings.  My mom and my maid of honor don't really like her.  As a friend, she was there for some really tough times in my life.   

I just need some ideas from people who aren't in my family :)  Thanks!

Re: Should his sister be my bridesmaid?

  • If you guys have recommenced your friendship, then maybe this would be a really good thing that would allow you to put the past behind you, move on with the future. If she's a part of the wedding, you'd sure have a chance to hang out more again, have her share in your special day with you.

    But don't let your mom or MOH's feelings on her influence your choice. It's your wedding,  and you select the people you want to stand up there with you, not them.

    If you have your hesitancies though and it doesn't bother your FI too much about not having her, maybe you could ask her to do a reading, something along those lines to still include her since you guys were close friends and it is her brother.

    Good luck!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-his-sister-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:31ceeecd-861a-4edb-9d9a-868ff2e1eed7Post:58f85951-7ebd-4b4e-bff7-f25b2fb208a2">Re: Should his sister be my bridesmaid?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you guys have recommenced your friendship, then maybe this would be a really good thing that would allow you to put the past behind you, move on with the future. If she's a part of the wedding, you'd sure have a chance to hang out more again, have her share in your special day with you.

    But don't let your mom or MOH's feelings on her influence your choice. It's your wedding,  and you select the people you want to stand up there with you, not them. Posted by phillychica85[/QUOTE]

    What phillychica said.

  • edited November 2010
    I'm a proponent of if it keeps the peace, it might be a good idea to include her, although not necessarily on your side. She could stand with her brother as a groomswoman.

    If it isn't an issue with anyone in the family to include his sister, then don't feel like you're obligated to have her there. Like Philly said, maybe just have her do a reading. It doesn't sound like you're too keen on having her there - although, once again like Philly said, don't base your decisions on her not being well-liked by other members of the WP.

    In the end, the ball is in your court. Only you know if you want her in the WP. Just keep in mind that family is forever, and if it's going to cause issues with the ILs, it might be a good idea to include her either on your side or your fiance's.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-his-sister-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:31ceeecd-861a-4edb-9d9a-868ff2e1eed7Post:92ddc3e8-adba-40a0-b3d1-2b91619a4081">Should his sister be my bridesmaid?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, this is a question that keeps coming up.  I met my finace through his sister, who was one of my best friends at the time.  His sister and I had a falling out and didn't talk for almost five years.  When he and I started talking and then dating, she and I started to be friends again, but we're not as close as we used to be. He doesn't care if she is or isn't a bridesmaid.  He just wants us to work things out so we're okay friend wise.  I'm back and forth about her being a bridesmaid because I don't want to cause any hard feelings.  My mom and my maid of honor don't really like her.  As a friend, she was there for some really tough times in my life.    I just need some ideas from people who aren't in my family :)  Thanks!
    Posted by ClaireDeslandes[/QUOTE]

    The answer depends somewhat on what she/his family are expecting. In some families, it would be hugely rude of you not to include her. In others, it would be no big deal. Just because he doesn't care doesn't necessarily mean that his sister and her parents won't care, so if it's going to be a big deal to him, I would definitely include her - either as a bridesmaid or groomswoman - to avoid family drama.

    If they don't care, then I think it just comes down to how you feel. If your friendship goes south in the future, will you regret having had her up there with you as your SIL? If you get closer, will you regret not having included her?

    You can also include her by asking her to do a reading if that would make more sense for you guys.
  • Your wedding's in over a year, don't ask anyone (else) to be in your BP for now).
  • Kate504Kate504 member
    100 Comments
    edited November 2010
    I am not really close with my FI sister, but I think it is going to be expected of me to ask her to be in my wedding. FI's family is one that will start drama before you can count to 3, so instead of dealing with that I am just going to ask her.

    I mean I heardly hold a conversation with the girl, but sometimes it is better to keep the peace.

    I was just in my FI's cousin's wedding and I don't even know why, but I didn't feel like it would be nice to say no to her. It has been almost a month and I haven't spoken to her since nor did I speak to her at the rehersal or the day of the wedding hardly. I don't get that. It was very weird. I went with her to pick out her dress, planned her shower and everything!(for 8 hours at Davids, it was a long day) I spoke mostly to the groom and the other groomsmen. It was just awkward and I'm not looking forward to seeing her again. I agree with the person who said don't ask her if you think your relationship will not last and you will regret having her there and she wont be really supporting you fully.
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  • Which scenario is most likely to occur if you don't ask her?

    1) She says nothing, doesn't feel hurt, attends as a guest and enjoys herself.

    2) She (and other family members) make a big deal out of it and guilt trip you over it.

    If scenario 1 is most likely to occur, don't ask her if you don't have an independent relationship with her. 

    If scenario 2 is most likely to occur, ask her and buy yourself some family peace.  This isn't usually a hill worth dying on.  Plus, FSIL will likely be at most pre-wedding events (or at least invited) plus the wedding itself and will be in all the family photos--it isn't that big a deal to have her wear the dress and stand up with the other BMs.  I had my sister as my obligatory family member in the WP and have no regrets, though we weren't close.  Just some food for thought.
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  • If you've patched things up with her and she's been there for you through some hard times, why not ask her?  She's going to be part of your family now and it sounds like you're close.  From the sounds of your post, the only reason you don't want to ask her is because your mom and MOH don't like her and that's a stupid reason.  It's your WP, not theirs.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-his-sister-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:31ceeecd-861a-4edb-9d9a-868ff2e1eed7Post:3e71f5e7-da9b-4af3-b6d1-939b3ecc38c1">Re: Should his sister be my bridesmaid?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you've patched things up with her and she's been there for you through some hard times, why not ask her?  She's going to be part of your family now and it sounds like you're close.  From the sounds of your post, the only reason you don't want to ask her is because your mom and MOH don't like her and that's a stupid reason.  It's your WP, not theirs.
    Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]
    Read all of this and pretend I said it :)
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  • No, I can't read it either.  I think it's the complete absence of punctuation - that is one run-on sentence - combined with the inability to spell or type.
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  • I'd wait a bit longer to decide for sure. You honestly never know what could happen.

    I agree with the PPs that said this is could be a great opportunity to move your friendship back to where it was, it sounds like your friendship with her is definitely progressing. For now, I don't see why you wouldn't include her- doesn't sound like she's inciting any drama.
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  • Thanks for the feedback.  It was helpful.  She is the kind to cause drama.  Originally, because he's military and we're out in Hawaii, we were going to have the wedding, just me and him and our parents, out here.  Then, when he got back from deployment, we were just going to have a party to celebrate back home.  We weren't including my brothers or his siblings because they couldn't all make it out here, and we were trying to be fair about it.  Once she found out, she called him crying, saying how unfair it was that she couldn't be there.  So we scrapped that idea, and we're waiting until he gets back.   I understood where she was coming from, but the way she handled it was ridiculous.  Which is partiallywhy I'm on the fence about asking her.   

    I like the reading idea. I think I will wait to talk to her and make sure we've got everything worked out before making my final decision.  (The only reason I'm planning so far ahead is that the only time I'll be home before the wedding is this December and I wanted to ask all my bridesmaids in person) 


    Blerg.  I should have listend to all my friends when they said how much planning a wedding and trying to consider everyone's feelings sucked Tongue out  It's really nice to be able to have a place to get out all the frustration and hear other's thoughts. 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-his-sister-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:31ceeecd-861a-4edb-9d9a-868ff2e1eed7Post:e3e0ae0e-fd62-42bf-9a33-6d3807aab187">Re: Should his sister be my bridesmaid?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback.  It was helpful.  She is the kind to cause drama.  Originally, because he's military and we're out in Hawaii, we were going to have the wedding, just me and him and our parents, out here.  Then, when he got back from deployment, we were just going to have a party to celebrate back home.  We weren't including my brothers or his siblings because they couldn't all make it out here, and we were trying to be fair about it.  Once she found out, she called him crying, saying how unfair it was that she couldn't be there.  So we scrapped that idea, and we're waiting until he gets back.   I understood where she was coming from, but the way she handled it was ridiculous.  Which is partiallywhy I'm on the fence about asking her.    I like the reading idea. I think I will wait to talk to her and make sure we've got everything worked out before making my final decision.  (The only reason I'm planning so far ahead is that the only time I'll be home before the wedding is this December and I wanted to ask all my bridesmaids in person)  Blerg.  I should have listend to all my friends when they said how much planning a wedding and trying to consider everyone's feelings sucked   It's really nice to be able to have a place to get out all the frustration and hear other's thoughts. 
    Posted by ClaireDeslandes[/QUOTE]
    Really?  She was upset about being excluded from her brother's wedding, called him to tell him so, and that's creating drama?  Can't you understand how devastating that exclusion probably was for her?  I can't say I would react any differently if it was my brother's wedding.

    If some of your siblings couldn't make the original date, that sucks, but the solution wasn't to exclude everyone.

    I really hope that's not the main reason you don't want to ask her because I think that's even worse than not doing it just because your mom and MOH don't like her.
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  • I would say include her if YOU feel like it is the right thing to do.  I had a falling out with a best friend of almost 10 years for a one and a half year period.  During that time is when I met my FI and got engaged.. and then we started to become friends again.  I asked her to be in the wedding even though we had not talked in a long time because I knew that if we were as close as we had been in the past then I would completely regret NOT asking her.  We are closer than ever now and I couldn't be happier with my decision.  My family was not very happy and neither was my FI at first because of the reasons for our falling out but now everyone is completely fine with it because it is what I FELT was the best decision.  Don't leave it to anyone else but you.. and because it is family.. no matter what.. she will ALWAYS be around.  Good luck :)

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