How do I fire my maid of honor?

v1v10121

So I got engaged more than a year ago and as soon as I got engaged I asked one of my closest friend (or I thought) to be my maid of honor. She seemed excited to be a part of the wedding but ever since I asked her I haven't heard from her since. A year has passed, my birthday and nothing. So how do I fire her if she decides to call 3 months before the wedding? HELP?

Meredith5683

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:b1d29de9-4937-490c-9a76-cba945fa672a">How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I got engaged more than a year ago and as soon as I got engaged I asked one of my closest friend (or I thought) to be my maid of honor. She seemed excited to be a part of the wedding but ever since I asked her I haven't heard from her since. A year has passed, my birthday and nothing. So how do I fire her if she decides to call 3 months before the wedding? HELP?
Posted by v1v10121[/QUOTE]


Oh jeez get ready for an earful. This isn't a wedding related problem, this is about friendship. It sounds like you haven't tried to call or visit her either. Why don't you try to salvage the relationship instead of worrying about your wedding, which is probably the reason that she hasn't called. If every time you speak to her you make it about your "big day" she's going to get tired of it real fast. No one's going to be as excited about your wedding as you and your FI are, so remember she's got her own life to live. Call her up, invite her out to lunch, and without anything wedding related, ask her how she's been. Go from there. Also, this is the biggest reason not to ask your BP further than 6 or so months out, relationships change.

lauraalanna

Here is my advice; ask her if she still even wants to be a party of the wedding since she hasn't been in contact with you for so long. Tell her you just wanted to make sure since it is almost crunch time and you'll need her more than ever.

If she says yes, then maybe try to communicate to her what you expect from a MOH. For instance, some MOHs go everywhere with their bride-flower shopping,dress shopping,accessory shopping,everything. However,some MOHs aren't even needed until like a week or two before the wedding so it really depends on what you are needing and expecting.

Instead of "firing" her all together, maybe demote her to a bridesmaid if she isn't up to the MOH challenge.

As long as you put the ball in her court about staying in or leaving,then everything will come out alright. Good luck!

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:ad8eaabc-50ff-4fe2-9a46-125d9d570334">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is my advice; ask her if she still even wants to be a party of the wedding since she hasn't been in contact with you for so long. Tell her you just wanted to make sure since it is almost crunch time and you'll need her more than ever. If she says yes, then maybe try to communicate to her what you expect from a MOH. For instance, some MOHs go everywhere with their bride-flower shopping,dress shopping,accessory shopping,everything. However,some MOHs aren't even needed until like a week or two before the wedding so it really depends on what you are needing and expecting. Instead of "firing" her all together, maybe demote her to a bridesmaid if she isn't up to the MOH challenge. As long as you put the ball in her court about staying in or leaving,then everything will come out alright. Good luck!
Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]

<div>No.  Just no to all of this.  Please lurk before posting and giving horrible advice.</div>

sister2groom

Have you tried contacting HER?

SSaltzman87

I'd like to add that 'demoting' a MOH is NEVER a good idea no matter what the circumstances.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:ad8eaabc-50ff-4fe2-9a46-125d9d570334">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is my advice; ask her if she still even wants to be a party of the wedding since she hasn't been in contact with you for so long. Tell her you just wanted to make sure since it is almost crunch time and you'll need her more than ever. If she says yes, then maybe try to communicate to her what you expect from a MOH. For instance, some MOHs go everywhere with their bride-flower shopping,dress shopping,accessory shopping,everything. However,some MOHs aren't even needed until like a week or two before the wedding so it really depends on what you are needing and expecting. Instead of "firing" her all together, maybe demote her to a bridesmaid if she isn't up to the MOH challenge. As long as you put the ball in her court about staying in or leaving,then everything will come out alright. Good luck!
Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]

Ew.

misslauraalanna

You girls really need some manners.

This is a forum for people to give their own advice. If you don't like what I said,don't read it. I could care less what any of you think or say.

Have some class,please.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:34a22d28-baed-4191-93b2-9e6684475d75">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]You girls really need some manners. This is a forum for people to give their own advice. If you don't like what I said,don't read it. I could care less what any of you think or say. Have some class,please.
Posted by misslauraalanna[/QUOTE]

You're giving advice that will end up making things worse for the bride.  "Demoting" a MOH to a BM will make the bride look like a spectacular zilla and will promote hard feelings for years to come.  The MOH does not have any special duties or responsibilities.  It's an honour bestowed upon a special person in the bride's life.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:34a22d28-baed-4191-93b2-9e6684475d75">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]You girls really need some manners. This is a forum for people to give their own advice. If you don't like what I said,don't read it. I could care less what any of you think or say.<strong> Have some class,please.
</strong>Posted by misslauraalanna[/QUOTE]

This coming from someone who'd gladly "demote" a friend, and/or give her a lundry list of tasks for her wedding?

Pot, meet kettle.

Also, if you supposedly don't care what anyone else has to say, why would you respond?

lauraalanna

I would NEVER demote a friend unless they didn't WANT to be maid of honor.

You girls really do assume SO much for a message board.

And I respond because I feel like some of the comments that are made on here are unjust and a little inappropriate and need to clarified.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:34a22d28-baed-4191-93b2-9e6684475d75">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]You girls really need some manners. This is a forum for people to give their own advice. If you don't like what I said,don't read it. I could care less what any of you think or say. <strong>Have some class,please.</strong>
Posted by misslauraalanna[/QUOTE]

Speak for yourself, chica.

This is the Internet.  Anything that is said in a public forum is fair game.  No one has to like what you have to say, and if you choose to advise people wrongly, people will have something to say about it.

So yes, you gave bad advice, and this is why.  The OP hasn't spoken to one of her closest friends in a<em> year</em>.  There's no expressed concern about why her friend has been AWOL...she could be having major life problems of some sort, she could be in a bad way, the OP doesn't even mention any concern as to if said friend is <em>alive</em>.  Her chief concern is that she's supposed to be her MOH, and she doesn't know what to do if she happens to resurface.  At a minimum, someone's priorities are out of whack, and it's not the MOH.  

My two closest friends I don't talk to often, but we have that kind of relationship to where we can call each other once every few months and our friendships don't miss a beat.  However, if I haven't heard from them in a year, and they skipped contacting me on my birthday, etc., I would be worried about them, not about what to do about their roles (they're my BMs) in my wedding.  To focus on my wedding when I don't hear from my friends in an inordinate amount of time would make me a crappy friend. 

Now your response focuses on the OP's same wedding-centric singular focus on the position of MOH rather than her friend's well-being or the OP's ability to take some initiative to contact her.  What's worse, you're making the position of MOH out to be one with "responsibilities," of which there are none, except to get the required dress, participate in the ceremony, and pose for pictures.  MOH is an honor given to someone closest to you, not a job title (which is why you CANNOT "fire" a MOH).   The MOH (or BMs) may go dress shopping or help the bride in other ways if the MOH so chooses, but they should not be required nor expected to do so, and if they don't do those things, it doesn't make them a bad MOH.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:3da4f209-fa27-4589-99ef-367e290cc5ff">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would NEVER demote a friend unless they didn't WANT to be maid of honor. You girls really do assume SO much for a message board. And I respond because I feel like some of the comments that are made on here are unjust and a little inappropriate and need to clarified.
Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]

JIC

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:3da4f209-fa27-4589-99ef-367e290cc5ff">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would NEVER demote a friend unless they didn't WANT to be maid of honor.

Yet that's what you advised OP to do, in I'm not mistaken.  That's where posters here are questioning your advice.

You said to OP that she should demote her MOH if she "isn't up to the challenge".  I'm assuming you meant that?

ETA:  If that's not what you meant, then your post was unclear.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:ad8eaabc-50ff-4fe2-9a46-125d9d570334">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]Instead of "firing" her all together, maybe demote her to a bridesmaid if she isn't up to the MOH challenge.
Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]

Seriously, re-read this.

Can you HONESTLY tell me that this does not sound like a super-shiitty thing to do to a friend? Knock her down a few pegs because, for whatever reason, she's not devoting enough of her time and attention to your precious wedding? You'd <em>really</em> treat a friend like garbage over a one-day party ... "I'm going to take this title away from you because you're not doing enough for me"?

WOW.

mbcdefg

And even if the bridesmaid DID say, "I don't want to be MOH anymore because I can't fulfill all of your expectations of me" ...

I still cannot fathom saying to a friend, "O.K., that's fine, I'll demote you and then promote someone who CAN fulfill these tasks for me!" Instead of, "I asked you to be MOH because you're my closest friend, not because of what you can do for me and my wedding, and honestly it only matters to me that you're there with me at my wedding."

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:b37d496e-e61d-491e-8fdd-da69a60a9469">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]And even if the bridesmaid DID say, "I don't want to be MOH anymore because I can't fulfill all of your expectations of me" ... I still cannot fathom saying to a friend, "O.K., that's fine, I'll demote you and then promote someone who CAN fulfill these tasks for me!" Instead of, "I asked you to be MOH because you're my closest friend, not because of what you can do for me and my wedding, and honestly it only matters to me that you're there with me at my wedding."
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

And this too!  Exactly.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:b37d496e-e61d-491e-8fdd-da69a60a9469">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]And even if the bridesmaid DID say, "I don't want to be MOH anymore because I can't fulfill all of your expectations of me" ... I still cannot fathom saying to a friend, "O.K., that's fine, I'll demote you and then promote someone who CAN fulfill these tasks for me!" Instead of, "I asked you to be MOH because you're my closest friend, not because of what you can do for me and my wedding, and honestly it only matters to me that you're there with me at my wedding."
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

ah.....reason.

FWIW, my MOH literally showed up and put on her dress, walked down the aisle, held my bouquet and smiled for pictures.  DH and I did everything else ourselves.

Oh, she did take my cell away from me as we were about to walk down the aisle because I was texting a friend I was worrying about who couldn't make it because she was in a hospital bed.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:34a22d28-baed-4191-93b2-9e6684475d75">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]You girls really need some manners. This is a forum for people to give their own advice. If you don't like what I said,don't read it. I could care less what any of you think or say. Have some class,please.
Posted by misslauraalanna[/QUOTE]
Maybe you should follow your own advice - if you don't like it when we say things about your posts, don't read it.

Or maybe you missed the part where this is a public forum and people can post if they want to, and you don't get to tell them they can't?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:3da4f209-fa27-4589-99ef-367e290cc5ff">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would NEVER demote a friend unless they didn't WANT to be maid of honor. You girls really do assume SO much for a message board. And I respond because I feel like some of the comments that are made on here are unjust and a little inappropriate and need to clarified.
Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]
Why are you posting under two different screennames?

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:908d4f07-d69f-43ad-bf1f-07a599c704c0">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I fire my maid of honor? : Why are you posting under two different screennames?
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
Okay wow, I didn't even notice that. WTF.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:908d4f07-d69f-43ad-bf1f-07a599c704c0">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I fire my maid of honor? : Why are you posting under two different screennames?
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Good call, Aerin.  I didn't notice that either.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:34a22d28-baed-4191-93b2-9e6684475d75">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]You girls really need some manners. This is a forum for people to give their own advice. If you don't like what I said,don't read it. I could care less what any of you think or say. Have some class,please.
Posted by misslauraalanna[/QUOTE]

You're so totally right!  I'll find a mod right away to set everyone straight!

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:74c612b5-2295-4faa-9672-271a5721da68">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]OOT, you need to be a mod yourself!
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

haha

If I'm really bored while recovering from this next surgery, I may just give it a try.

Which board do you think I would be best on?

v1v10121

OK so maybe I should have been more specific. I tried several times contacting the girl but she's always too busy or something. Now the wedding is coming up and I really need help since I have no idea on what Im doing. Another one of my closest friends has been there for me wedding or not. So I was thinking I wanted her next to me instead. 

Im not a bride that talks about nothing but the wedding hints its less than six months away and I have yet to do anything. so she cant possibly be annoyed by me and wedding talk because that never happens. She has just been ignoring me for a while now. Wouldn't it be weird to have a girl standing next to me on my wedding day when I haven't been able to get talk to  for more than 10 min. What if she doesn't show up or something. 

deepcovejackie

If she doesn't show up, everyone can move down a space.  It's still wrong to fire her from MOH, just because you don't know what you're doing.  She's not responsible for your wedding planning.  She's done nothing worthy of being "fired".

Still wrong.

v1v10121

then what is the point of the MOH? if its not to help you with the wedding stuff and wedding day. Look it up people why would I want to pay for a whole bunch of girls bouquets  and gifts just to stand next to me and watch me get married. They can do that minus the 100 dollar bouquet and gift from the audience like the rest of my family. This MOH crap has gotten out of hand and people have forgotten what their duties as an MOH are. Research. 

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:ea142f01-2225-474a-a843-62f2d4f9995e">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]then what is the point of the MOH? if its not to help you with the wedding stuff and wedding day. Look it up people why would I want to pay for a whole bunch of girls bouquets  and gifts just to stand next to me and watch me get married. They can do that minus the 100 dollar bouquet and gift from the audience like the rest of my family. This MOH crap has gotten out of hand and people have forgotten what their duties as an MOH are. Research. 
Posted by v1v10121[/QUOTE]

I think you probably need to lurk more.  The lists of duties of MOH that you're asking me to research are driven by the wedding industry, and their job is to make money.  Therefore, the lists of "responsiblities" are contrived to make people think that they have to spend $$$ on showers, bachelorette parties, etc. etc.

It isn't an "audience" at your wedding.  It's not a show.  Those people are your loved ones.

And yes, the job of the MOH is to watch you get married.  Hopefully along the way she will be gracious enough to be excited and supportive of your marriage too.  The point of the MOH is to honour someone who is close to you and deserving of the honour.

Wrap your head around all of that and maybe things will go better with your MOH.

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fire-maid-of-honor-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3733bbb5-46f2-4b36-bddf-128e3f06ee0dPost:ea142f01-2225-474a-a843-62f2d4f9995e">Re: How do I fire my maid of honor?</a>:
[QUOTE]then what is the point of the MOH? if its not to help you with the wedding stuff and wedding day. Look it up people why would I want to pay for a whole bunch of girls bouquets  and gifts just to stand next to me and watch me get married. They can do that minus the 100 dollar bouquet and gift from the audience like the rest of my family. This MOH crap has gotten out of hand and people have forgotten what their duties as an MOH are. Research. 
Posted by v1v10121[/QUOTE]

<div>The 'duties' that are listed on TK as well as other sites, books etc. basically comprise those lists so their sponsors will get money from you taking advantage of stuff/services those lists suggest you do and making you buy into the hype of wedding planning (i.e. sending your prospective BMs 'will you be my bridesmaid' cards, suggesting they all wear matching jewelry, making your MOH throw a Bachelorette Party and buying the BP party gear that exists, and having the MOH 'delegate' tasks to other BMs).</div><div>
</div><div>That's why these forums are here, so you can see what real life brides have done/will do, because the lists that exist for the most part are pretty unrealistic.</div><div>
</div><div>The point of having BMs is to have the people closest to you that love and care for you stand with you on your wedding day. They're not supposed to be your workhorses, all they're supposed to do is stand with you and witness the lifelong commitment you're making.</div>

sister2groom

ditto ssaltzman

The bridesmaids and maid of honor are just like the groomsmen. They are your closest friends/family members who are standing up with you to support you as a friend and support you in this life changing step. I never understood why it would be assumed the female half of the BP have to help plan but the male half doesn't? (I mean I don't think either half does, but I'm just sayin).

Gifts and bouquets (which, by the way, are usually more about your decor than gifts for the BMs, most BMs would be fine without bouquets) are to thank them for being your friends during your transition to the next step.

I agree that as your friend (forget the fact that she's your MOH for a sec), it is odd she hasn't talked to you in a while, but you should worry about your friendship before you worry about MOH "duties." Maybe there's something wrong, or maybe the stress of the holidays got to her.

Replacing a member of the BP is never a good idea, you can hurt both the one being replaced (and potentially end the friendship) and the "replacer" (why wasn't I in this position in the first place? why am I second choice?).

Finally, although she doesn't HAVE to help you with the wedding, six months is TONS of time for her to do so. If you haven't done as much planning as you need to by now, that's on you, not her.

orangecrush32

Wow. This thread is just amazing.

You can't "fire" your MOH. First, it's hurtful to her. Second, it's hurtful to the replacement. Third, you look like a Bridezilla. Fourth, no one but you and your FI should be planning your wedding and be expected to be excited about it. Fifth, your BP has no duty but to stand there and look pretty. Sixth, please stop reading the magazines and believing that everything they say is the truth; their goal is to get as much money out of you as possible, which is why the average wedding budget is around $25,000.

And finally...please someone hit me if I ever do a weird list-like post again. Thx. haha