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My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out?

I have been engaged for 6 months. My wedding is next July. My bridesmaid got engaged over Christmas and her wedding is 2 weeks before mine. I'm the MOH. 

Normally, this wouldn't bother me, however I am in law school and she knows that next June (when her wedding is) I am studying my butt off for 4 weeks for the bar exam (to PASS law school). 
She never asked me if it was ok that she picked a date 2 weeks before mine, nor did she ask me if I was ok being her MOH and studying for the biggest exams of my life, and finishing up the planning for my own wedding. 
I told her that I could not guarantee my attendance at pre-wedding events like the rehearsal dinner, last minute appointments etc. She didn't seem too impressed with that.

WWYD? It kind of irks me because I already know she is going to be a high-maintenance, and I feel like she is taking advantage of my non-care attitude about weddings. My other friends have admitted that if I was ever to plan MY wedding 2 weeks before hers, she would have a stroke.
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Re: My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out?

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I would be annoyed  mostly because of everything going on in your life combined.  Not necessary only because of your wedding being 2 weeks early.

    If it's going to be too much, just back out.  I would use the law school as the excuse not your wedding.   Just say that you are just going to be too busy to fully commit to the 'job' of MOH.(not that I really think MOH is a job, but this bride might think so)






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-plans-married-2-weeks-before-would-weirded-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4841b71e-f8ba-438a-8b44-f382aa01df91Post:c0c02a17-68d2-43de-81da-953646e68e36">My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have been engaged for 6 months. My wedding is next July. My bridesmaid got engaged over Christmas and her wedding is 2 weeks before mine. I'm the MOH.  Normally, this wouldn't bother me, however I am in law school and she knows that next June (when her wedding is) I am studying my butt off for 4 weeks for the bar exam (to PASS law school).  She never asked me if it was ok that she picked a date 2 weeks before mine, nor did she ask me if I was ok being her MOH and studying for the biggest exams of my life, and finishing up the planning for my own wedding.  I told her that I could not guarantee my attendance at pre-wedding events like the rehearsal dinner, last minute appointments etc. She didn't seem too impressed with that. WWYD? It kind of irks me because I already know she is going to be a high-maintenance, and I feel like she is taking advantage of my non-care attitude about weddings. My other friends have admitted that if I was ever to plan MY wedding 2 weeks before hers, she would have a stroke.
    Posted by meegz85[/QUOTE]

    You didn't <u>have </u>to accept the MOH offer and you could still step down if you choose.  As far as the crowding goes, yeah, it would irk me if I was busy with my own planning and studying but the bottom line is, every bride gets one day and it's not up to her BP to make the decision as to when that day is.
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  • Nope.  You get a day for your wedding, and she gets a day for hers.  You don't get to block off a two week period around your wedding that's off limits for your friends and/or fmaily to plan their wedding.

    The law school thing is a different story.  But if your friend isn't in law school, she may honestly not realize how much goes into preparing for the bar exam.  She may be thinking "She can take a day off for my wedding." 

    After all, she may be thinking that you've planned your own wedding in that same "studying for the bar" time frame. 

    If you don't think you can plan your own wedding, be in her wedding, and study for the bar, tell her that you're going to have to decline the honor of being in her wedding, but you're so looking forward to being there as a guest.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Since it's only been a couple of days since her engagement, I'd say the sooner the better.  Tell her something along the lines of "You're my best friend you know I love you yadayada.  I want to be there for you every step of the way but with your wedding, my own wedding planning and exams to study for all within a couple of weeks of each other, I just don't see how I can be the MOH that you deserve.  I will definitely be at the wedding but as a guest."   If she gets all pissy, that's her problem but I hope she'll be mature and gracious about it.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
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  • Well, she does get to pick the date that works best for her.

    But in that, I think you can say, "I love you dearly but I HAVE to let you know now that there are going to be a ton of things going on for me at that time of the year.  I'll be the best MOH that I can but please understand that I'm going to have to focus on that exam and my wedding."

    And see how the bride reacts.  Ideally, a good friend will know that when you plan an event during a time that your dear friend is busy, making it YOUR event does not mean that suddenly your friends have free time.
  • I don't think she needed to consult you about a wedding 2 weeks before yours, but she should have considered your schedule since it sounds like she wants you to be at those pre-wedding events.   It's okay to decline those events and hopefully she will be more understanding as it gets closer.  If it's still too much on your plate, decline due to the bar exam.

    We made compromises with our date because during our preferred dates FBIL would be in the midst of studying for or taking a med school board of some sort.  The one we ended up with isn't the most ideal for any of us, but doable for all of us and hopefully he will be able to spend some time with OOT close family members this way.

    I do realize that sometimes only one date will work for a couple, but I don't think you can expect full attendance at non-obligatory events - particularly if you don't take the WP schedules into account when choosing a date.
  • Honestly, I would be annoyed at something like that, but I would also recognize that everyone gets to choose their own wedding date. You said you told her that the end of July or August would work better for you - but her wedding date doesn't have to work for you, it just has to work for her and her IF

    And in terms of her not asking if you were ok with MOH and your other responsibilities...she did ask. When she asked if you'd be her MOH and you said yes. I think you should have a chat with her and just say that you want to be really clear with her about the kind of time commitment you'll be able to make. If she asks you to "step down" as a result of that conversation, then she's a bridezilla, and you'll have saved yourself drama down the road. But hopefully she'll understand that you have a life outside her wedding (just like she has a life outside yours, which is why she gets to have her wedding whenever she wants) and realize that MOH is about your closest friend, not your best slave.
  • i had a friend who was engaged over a year before i was but never picked a date.  Once FI and i selected ours, she wanted it to be the day before.  I recruited a mutual friend of mine to knick that idea immediately.  It still irks me that she even thought it would be okay with me.  Friends do weired things but its how we react to them that makes all the difference sometimes.  You def need to talk with her in a calm manner and like the PPs said above, keep the focus on law school. 

    Another question - she just got engaged, so did she put deposits down to secure her date?
  • next july as in 2010 or 2011? if it's 2010 i wouldn't worry about it too much as she probably won't even get her day as most venues are booked at this point.

    i can totally see how this would annoy you but there's not much that you can do about it. i would probably step down from the MOH position. not out of spite, but because it's really just too much to do all at one time. be nice about it, but be clear.

    and yes, friends do very weird things when it comes to weddings. some simply have to be married before everyone else, and will completely inconvenience others just to do it. it's silly and childish, and yet more of a reason why women are bitches.
  • If she's O.K. with you just showing up in the dress and walking down the aisle (as most considerate people would be, knowing that their friends have a lot on their plate in that timeframe), then it's not a big deal. Like a PP said, she gets one day and you get one day, and neither of you automatically has a month or even a week or two all to yourselves. And like another PP said, nobody was holding a gun to your head to make you accept the role.

    But if she's expecting you to be super-involved and is going to get pissy with you for studying rather than focusing your attention on her wedding ... then, yes, it's inconsiderate of her. Not so much choosing a date that's near your own wedding date (because it seems like the problem here is the proximity to your exams, not your wedding, so your wedding really doesn't have anything to do with this problem), but that she's expecting you to drop everything and devote yourself to her wedding. 

    I would sit down with her and kindly ask her to elaborate on what she's expecting from you, and I would calmly let her know what you think you are capable of. Then decide from there if you should remain in the wedding or not.  A GOOD friend would want you there even if all you could do was stand up in the wedding and not do anything else whatsoever ... so if she wants you out of her wedding because you can't do enough stuff for her beforehand, then honestly I think that's a sign that she's not that good of a friend after all.

    But ditto PP - if she hasn't put down any deposits yet, this may all be a moot point. Many people "set a date" and then wind up with something difference once they see what venues and vendors are available.
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  • edited December 2009
    I can see where you'd be annoyed, but she can choose to get married any day she wants as long as it's not the same as you, so that's not really a point I would argue with her on.  Maybe she picked two weeks before so that she could take a honeymoon after her wedding for a week and be back for yous, so there's a chance she actually put some thought into it.

    However, as someone who has taken two bar exams, I can't imagine planning my own wedding, being in a friend's wedding (much less MOH) and studying for the bar.  Studying for the bar is like a full-time job plus some.  I literally studied from 9am-11pm every day for 2 months for the first test (second was much easier because all the preliminary studying was done).  A good friend of mine got engaged and was looking at dates and wanted me to be MOH, and I flat out told her that if it was between May-July of 2008 I wouldn't be able to be in her wedding.  That may have been rude of me, but my priority was to pass the bar.  I paid A LOT of money for my education and to take that damn test, and I DID NOT want it to go to waste.

    For the record, if you've done all your planning before you graduate and it's really just making sure people show up where they're supposed to the week before the wedding, it's probably not all that difficult to plan your own wedding for a week or so after the bar exam.  However, if she's already miffed at the idea of you not being able to participate in pre-wedding parties, etc., I'd just step down and blame law school/the bar exam to avoid her guilting you into giving up study time to go to things for her wedding.  If you do it now, maybe she'll understand and have enough time to ask someone else to take over the MOH role. 

    That being said, good luck on the bar!  It's a beast.  Just out of curiousity, where are you that the bar exam won't conflict with an early July wedding?  In GA and SC both, the bar is the last week in July.  The entire month of July is spent cramming as much in as possible (though I did take a weekend off on the 4th of July to unwind a little before the final push set in).
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  • meegz85meegz85 member
    10 Comments
    edited February 2010
    thanks for the advice and well wishes Acros. I'm from WS, but writing the bar in British Columbia (where FH lives). We write the 2 exams in June, and I start my articling in August. 
  • See, I know everybody says "you get 1 day, not 2 weeks" and that's true, but I also do think that everybody here can agree that usually when a couple selects a date, they are supposed to ask the "key players" for at least input on the matter (Which, some people say parents and siblings ... but I do think that most people know who they want for the MOH and BM prior to setting a date, so they should be asked).

    But you said she did ask and you gave her an answer, maybe this date was what worked the absolute best for everybody else that she checked with?

    While it's incredibly annoying and inconvenient, she didn't do anything wrong.

    Also, a PP made a good point: she's already booked a July wedding for this year and has on been engaged a few days? Most couples take at least a few weeks just to pick a venue (And as you know, the venue also has a say in your date).

    If her date isn't set in stone (It's just maybe a day she wants?) then I'd wait until you know for sure that this will be a problem before you take any action.

    If it's a done deal, then only you can decide if you can do everything and not have regrets about it. If she's a bride that expects her BP to be her staff, then it'll probably be in your best interest to step down. If she understands that you really might not be able to just get the dress and show up, then it'll be tough, but you might be able to pull it off.

    Best of luck!

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  • Congrats on almost being done law school! (I am halfway through my articling year in Alberta - no bar exam here but we do have the dreaded CPLED program...ick).

    Anyway, unless she is IN law school, she just might not quite be able to relate to the whole law school and bar exam process (i.e. that it ends up consuming you for certain periods of time!). I would not get too upset about, she does have the right to pick after all whatever date she and her FI want in the end - even if perhaps her motives are to one-up you ;)

    Anyway, you don't HAVE to be her MOH - and you certainly don't have any "duties" other than to buy the dress and show up and that includes pre-wedding parties. She may be disappointed, but it sounds like you DID share this with her previously and she still chose that date.

    Other than that, taking a day off from studying to go to a wedding as a guest (or even still as a MOH still) would be a fantastic break!
  • I understand brides who have to get married before you, etc. I sort of have one of those friends. It sucks but oh well.

    I am the MOH in my friend's 5/2011 wedding, she has everything booked and everything but I had to tell her that I am 'going into exile' effective this September. Right now I am going to school at a community college but in September, I am going back to school at my private college and graduating in December. Then I start graduate school in January of 2011. In the midst of that, I will be interning and I also have a bunch of medical problems. I think she understands and hopefully, your friend will too.

    If she doesn't, then she can step down but if she does, I would remain the MOH so as to not hurt yur friendship. But ditto pp and talk to her ASAP.
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  •  She really honestly does not have to consult you about her wedding date anymore than you would consult her with yours.

    It is alot going on for you with your own wedding process plus studying for your bars I would go along with what this pp said

    "You're my best friend you know I love you yadayada.  I want to be there for you every step of the way but with your wedding, my own wedding planning and exams to study for all within a couple of weeks of each other, I just don't see how I can be the MOH that you deserve.  I will definitely be at the wedding but as a guest." 
  • Well, unless she's booked it, she doesn't really have a date yet...  A friend of mine was planning on having her wedding one month after mine, she ended up booking it for two weeks before. 

    Personally, we decided on a date really early in the engagement, but we weren't able to set it in stone until the local convention schedules came out, about 11 months out.  (Vegas hosts a lot of conventions in the spring, we weren't so attached to our date that we were going to do it in a peak week when prices were higher.)  It ended up being the same date, but we were willing to change it if necessary.  So it may end up being a non-issue.

    I would use the bar rather than your own wedding as the excuse to skip any pre-wedding stuff, or to bail out altogether.  The bar is a totally reasonable excuse, but citing your own wedding as the reason looks kind of 'zilla-ish.
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  • I think it's kinda bridezilla of you to be responding like this. Yes it may be kind of inconvenient for you since you will be studying (i'm a student as well I understand the process) but like many have pointed out, you get one day not any more than that. She's entitled to her day. Just because you will have to attend a wedding as the MOH during one of your "study days" isnt a reason to be upset with her. If you really think it will affect your bar exam results maybe you should start being proactive and start studying a week before you had planned. Also as far as showers go and bachelorette parties, if you are stressed about being able to attend so close to your bar exam, why not throw them a month or two before the wedding as to not interfere with your studying. You need to tone down your anger and start being supportive. It might be a tad frustrating to have your "thunder" brought back down to size but it's the reality and if she's really your friend you shouldnt have any issues with this.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    As long as she understands (as all brides should) that the MOH isn't required to do anything besides show up for the wedding day, I don't see it being that big of a deal.  Yes, the bar is a PITA.  I've taken it.  But if she understands that you may not make pre-wedding parties or run around and help her plan, it should be fine.  You can order your dress online during a study break, and you'll presumably be going to the wedding either way, so why not show up in the dress?

    FWIW, I think you're nuts to take the bar in June and get married in July.  The reason we had such a long engagement was that I refused to start planning until after taking the bar.  You're a braver soul than I am. 
  • I would not be weirded out at all. she gets married when she gets married. she asked you to be the MOH, great, how sweet. can you actually BE a MOH for her? if school and wedding planning is too in the way (and I completely understand your side, I'll be graduating nursing school and trying to study for my licensing exam surrounding my wedding too), then say no, I can't be your MOH. if she gets butt-hurt about that, that's her problem.
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  • meegz85meegz85 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2009
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-plans-married-2-weeks-before-would-weirded-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4841b71e-f8ba-438a-8b44-f382aa01df91Post:cb501b04-b113-460f-93a2-21b398b3724c">Re: My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]FWIW, I think you're nuts to take the bar in June and get married in July.  The reason we had such a long engagement was that I refused to start planning until after taking the bar.  You're a braver soul than I am. 
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    <div>LOL you articulated why lawyers have a bad rep. While I'm very appreciative for the thoughts and comments from the women here, I didn't ask for your opinions on the choice of my day, yet you felt I needed to hear yours. </div><div>I'm having a very small wedding and a 2 year engagement to boot, so there will be nothing major left to do by the time I'm studying. Further, there is 6 weeks from the end of the bar to my wedding day. Thanks for the nuts comment though.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-plans-married-2-weeks-before-would-weirded-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4841b71e-f8ba-438a-8b44-f382aa01df91Post:d94c08a2-ecd1-4649-aae7-c6ddad5f0615">Re: My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out? : LOL you articulated why lawyers have a bad rep. While I'm very appreciative for the thoughts and comments from the women here, I didn't ask for your opinions on the choice of my day, yet you felt I needed to hear yours.  I'm having a very small wedding and a 2 year engagement to boot, so there will be nothing major left to do by the time I'm studying. Further, there is 6 weeks from the end of the bar to my wedding day. Thanks for the nuts comment though.
    Posted by meegz85[/QUOTE]

    Meegz, chill. That was not a personal attack - I read it more as a jokey "wow, better you than me!" Has nothing to do with PP being a lawyer or not. It's great that you're so on top of things, but having had two friends who just studied for the bar (NY and CA), I couldn't imagine either of them getting married a few weeks after that either with how crazy busy they were, so I can see how a fellow lawyer would be amazed that you were planning to do that.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-plans-married-2-weeks-before-would-weirded-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4841b71e-f8ba-438a-8b44-f382aa01df91Post:0424a545-d01d-444f-896b-b1b435b61080">Re: My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the responses. As a secondary question, how would I even go about broaching the subject that maybe I shouldn't be the MOH or BM, while at the same time saving our friendship. My mom think it's crazy she did this, and she is a genuinely sweet girl, I just think a little bridezillish in that she needs to get married before me.<strong> I specifically said that end of July, August or later would be better for me and clearly that thought was not given any weight.</strong>
    Posted by meegz85[/QUOTE]

    That's crazy.  Why would what time of year works best for you play a part in when she decides to have her wedding?  She and her fiance choose their wedding date based on what works best for them (and probably their family), just like how you probably chose yours.



  • I'm going to go back to what I said in the first place: If she's going to be "okay" with you just getting the dress and showing up, then it'll be tough, but you can probably make this work.

    However, if she's pretty much excpecting you to be her unpaid staff (And it's sounding like she is), then only you can make the decsion of whether or not you can do everything and not have law school suffer for it. If you're going to step down though, it's better to do it sooner than later, because if you wind up backing out in, say, April, she's likely to 1) Never forgive you and say you're ruining her spashul day-now that she has to "replace you" last minute, and 2) Come to the WP board b!tching that her MOH had the nerve to step down after not pulling her weight ... which will lead to 3) The regs telling her she needs a Come to Jesus talk.


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  • If you know your friend is going to be high maintenance, and you're going to need the time to be studying, then just say no.  Passing law school is much, much more important than planning parties and helping stuff invites- one day vs your career. 

    Be honest with your friend.  She will probably be upset at first, but if she's really a good enough friend to be your MOH (and you hers), then she will understand. 
  • You're going to have get the backbone to tell her "sorry" and do it now before it becomes even more dramatic.  Based on what you said about her expectations, it sounds like even someone not studying for the bar is going to be chained to her dining room table addressing invitations, making her centerpieces, and wrapping favors. That's not fair to her WP and she's being a BZ.
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  • i would decline her invite to be moh at her wedding...your bar exam is waay more important...too bad if she doesn't understand that.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2009
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-plans-married-2-weeks-before-would-weirded-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4841b71e-f8ba-438a-8b44-f382aa01df91Post:d94c08a2-ecd1-4649-aae7-c6ddad5f0615">Re: My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out? : LOL you articulated why lawyers have a bad rep. While I'm very appreciative for the thoughts and comments from the women here, I didn't ask for your opinions on the choice of my day, yet you felt I needed to hear yours.  I'm having a very small wedding and a 2 year engagement to boot, so there will be nothing major left to do by the time I'm studying. Further, there is 6 weeks from the end of the bar to my wedding day. Thanks for the nuts comment though.
    Posted by meegz85[/QUOTE]

    Wow.  You are a piece of work. 

    Last I checked, female lawyers got a bad rep for being nasty and jumping down people's throats for nothing. 

    Go take a chill pill or something. 
  • I would just tell her that you are unable to meet her expecations of her BP.
    Come on seriously your bar exam is the first thing on your agenda. Thats what you have been working for the past *** # of years. Personally I would just tell her that you are going to have to decline this offer has you are in the middle of studying for the bar.

    Hello she needs to have a wake up call that a career and income trump a wedding. Go has a guest. By the way GL with your studying and hitting the bar exam.
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