Wedding Party

Bridesmaid Help!!

First let me give you some background insight.. my wedding is in Hawaii this July 2010.. I have been planning it for a year and half. So when I finally picked the destination I asked my two younger (college aged) sisters to be my bridesmaids. At that point my mother agreed to pay for thier flights and hotel so that the whole family could be at my wedding. My youngest sister 'Chelle' moved to Germany to go to college there about 6 mths after we started planning the wedding. Because my sisters are in college and they really don't have any income I have purchased both of their bridesmaids dress, accessories and have paid for everything for the wedding. All they really have to do is show up, I felt that since they werent in a fiancial postion to pay for these items I would to make it easier for them to be part of my big day.

Well my mother already booked the hotel accomodations for my sisters and she was trying to book the flights last week. She was able to find flights from Houston To Hawaii for $400 a person- so that was a good deal for her, my stepdad and my other sister that resides in Texas. Well then she went to go book my sisters flight from Germany to Hawaii which was $3000, so she tried to book it from Germany to Houston then Houston to Hawaii.. that was $2700. My mom was a little over whelmed with the cost of the flight when the tickets for her, my stepdad and sister plus the hotel didn't end up that much. So she sent an email out to my sisters and me saying she needed help finding a cheaper flight.. because she didnt budget for that $.   My sister and I start looking for flights that were cheaper.. after spending a couple hours looking we found one for $800 if she came  two weeks before the wedding in Hawaii and then she could fly with us to Hawaii.

Well we thought that would work out great because the original plan was she was gonna stay after Hawaii two weeks for the reception back home.   So when my mom proposed this plan to her she shot it down.   After multiple calls and emails she told me there is no way she is coming early for the wedding and that she thinks mom should just schedule her flight the week of the wedding regardless of the price. I was FURIOUS!! I mean first I pay for everything for them to be in the wedding, then my mom goes out of her way for them to get there by paying for the flight and hotel and she can't even move her schedule around. 

After 4 days of her telling me she wasn't going to be coming on the flight that we found at the cheapest price.. and much crying I just decided to demote her as a bridesmaid. I mean she shouldn't be so selfish as to not come when she isn't even paying for anything. On top of that she hasn't helped me with anything that pertains to the wedding and she can't even show up to support me. So I called the planner, the florist , the spa..etc and removed her as the other bridesmaid (I still have my other sister as a bridesmaid).  My mom thinks I am making hasty descion, but I feel like she is being selfish.  I told her and my mom that if she comes great she can be at the wedding.. but if she doesn't I am not going to feel one way or another. I feel this is the best stance for me since for the past year she has said she will be there and then all of sudden she has changed her mind. I can't keep spending money on her thinking she will be part of the bridal party to come and find out she isn't coming. Plus, it is emotionally taxing to have it up in the air and if I don't expect her to come I won't be let down if she comes or doesn't.

I have talked to some of my closests friends about the situation and they agree that my sister is being unreasonable and that I should stand my ground.  But then there is my mom who thinks I should still have her in the wedding party regardless of her selfish child like behavior- my mom just wants to make everyone happy.  My mom even asked that I call her this week and talk to her.. after last week she already told me that she isn't coming early to be here for the wedding and to Piss off.   I feel like I dont need to call her and she owes me an apology and that I should keep her out of the bridal party.

Any advice?
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Re: Bridesmaid Help!!

  • This was a hasty decision and you will probably regret it. Are you going to let one argument with your sister over one day in your life set the mood for your relationship with her for the rest of your life?

    Your mom is right. Let it go. Let your mom deal with her and the money, as its really none of your business. If your mom wants to let her bully her into payoing $3K, then that's your mom's choice.. its how she is raising her daughter.
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  • oh boy...

    You shouldn't have demoted your sister.  Now she won't come out of spite.

    I agree with your mom - you were hasty and angry (not without reason) but I'm willing to bet money (your sister's plane ticket, in fact) that you've caused far more trouble than her having a tantrum about a flight. 

    Fix it.  Call your sister ASAP and get to the bottom of all of it. 
  • TO SarahPhilz

    I get what you are saying that she is my sister.. but I feel like if she can't be there to support me when she already commited to be my bridesmaid and there is no reason she can't be there then she is just being selfish.  I mean she isn't even paying for the trip or the dress. She hasn't been held responsible for any of it. And if she doesn't show up I am at a loss for alot of $$- So I felt I better just cut my losses and if she shows up then ok.. and if she doesn't ok too.

    Because it isn't just one day.. it is my wedding and it is only happening once.  We chose to share it with our closest family members and friends so I would hope she would be there to support our union.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4c7d1e85-39f8-4e87-9c28-8a454d726c86Post:00f1f7ed-0eea-4e05-8579-0548e6f42592">Re: Bridesmaid Help!!</a>:
    [QUOTE] Because it isn't just one day.. it is my wedding and it is only happening once.  We chose to share it with our closest family members and friends so I would hope she would be there to support our union.
    Posted by tricialb02[/QUOTE]
     Um, I don't know what weddings you have attended that lasted all weekend, but YES, weddings are ONE day.....it's the marriage that lasts a lifetime. I really hope you can call up your sister and fix this. 
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  • It's easy to get caught up in the whole "it's my wedding!  They need to show more support" attitude.  But, your sister is in Germany and experiencing a whole different way of life.  That's really important to her, as well.  You guys are at two different stages of life and yes, both stages need to be respected, but in all fairness, when I was an undergraduate my sights did not go further than myself and my experiences.  It was a selfish, self-learning time period.

    She may have no concept of money, prices, weddings, etc...  I certainly didn't in college.  Give her the benefit of the doubt here.  Call her up, both of you vent it out, and work out a compromise.  You'll regret it if you don't.
  • You were wrong to demote her. As long as she shows up to the wedding in the appointed dress, then she's fulfilled her obligations to you. Demoting her because she hasn't helped out was incredibly wrong of you.

    As for wasting the money for her to get there ... that's between her and your mother. Not you. You still have a lot of time to cancel her bouquet order and her dinner if need be ... that doesn't need to be done five months in advance. Canceling all her stuff after a fight was incredibly hasty of you.

    When you decide to have a destination wedding, part of the risk you take is that some people might not be able to come. Or that some people might have a problem getting there. So it's not really fair of you to complain that she's giving you a hard time when she's halfway around the world right now. Having a Hawaiian wedding isn't exactly easy on your guests.


    I think she could certainly be more agreeable in all of this, especially considering that your mother is paying her way, but I also think that you were wrong to kick her out of the wedding. I would call her and apologize for booting her, but I would also stay out of the arrangements from now on and let her and your mother handle it. Just take things as they come. Becoming estranged from your sister over ONE DAY is NOT worth it.

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  • Cliffs notes?
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  • This isn't about your BM, this is about your SISTER. Surely the bigger issue is that your sister might be missing your wedding, not that your BM hasn't helped you from thousands of miles away??? She doesn't need to help you, get over that part of it.

    There is a difference between her staying two weeks before and two weeks after. She's in college - maybe she has things going on that she can't or doesn't want to miss before your wedding. The cost issue is between your mom and her, not something for you to get all angry about and kick her out of the wedding.

    Talk to a travel agent. I just looked on Kayak and am seeing Frankfurt to Houston from $1300 roundtrip, which plus the $400 tickets your mom found is well under the numbers you're saying (and, honestly, you're not going to find cheap prices on transalantic flights in July!). I'm sure a TA could find you a better deal, since I'm guessing your mom isn't a very experienced traveler if she's finding such high numbers.
  • Here is where I am at now.. if she doesn't show up which is a large possibility- I have already purchased over $500 of what was needed for her to be in the wedding. Also her dress is at my house right now and to get it to Hawaii will cost me another 100 to mail it to her..plus alterations. Which I feel like I shouldn't be putting more out there if she isn't even interested in showing up..

    I suggested to my mother that she can mail the dress and they can work out the alterations.. but I feel like I am done playing wishy washy on wether she will be there.

    I know it is a destination wedding so some people can't show up- but when my mother promised her a ticket and all she has to do is get on the plane.. it is kinda selfish to turn down.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4c7d1e85-39f8-4e87-9c28-8a454d726c86Post:7d4f1405-dba6-492b-a403-f6510d8035db">Re: Bridesmaid Help!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Cliffs notes?
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    OP is having a DW in Hawaii in July, with two sisters as BMs. One sister is studying abroad in Germany. OP is paying for the dresses and MOB is paying for the sisters' travel expenses. MOB wants to put the Germany sister on an earlier flight to save money, Germany sister refuses, OP kicks her out of the wedding and cancels her bouquet/spa treatments.
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  • Brooke, CN as follows:

    OP's family is from TX, and she's getting married in HI. Her sister (a BM) goes to school in Germany. OP has paid for the BMs' dresses, etc. and MOB was going to pay for flights. Flights from Germany to HI are more expensive than expected, MOB wanted BM to change her schedule around to come 2 weeks beforehand, and BM said she wouldn't. So OP kicked her sister/BM out of the wedding.
  • OP, you're being ridiculous.  And since when is it selfish to turn down something free?  You didn't have to respond by kicking her out, you could have chosen to be, you know, mature about the situation.  How do you act mature?  Say "Sis, I hope we see you there" and NOT kick her out.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4c7d1e85-39f8-4e87-9c28-8a454d726c86Post:bcda67f5-bff1-42e2-b447-c056c79d75ec">Re: Bridesmaid Help!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here is where I am at now.. if she doesn't show up which is a large possibility- I have already purchased over $500 of what was needed for her to be in the wedding. Also her dress is at my house right now and to get it to Hawaii will cost me another 100 to mail it to her..plus alterations. Which I feel like I shouldn't be putting more out there if she isn't even interested in showing up.. I suggested to my mother that she can mail the dress and they can work out the alterations.. but I feel like I am done playing wishy washy on wether she will be there. I know it is a destination wedding so some people can't show up- but when my mother promised her a ticket and all she has to do is get on the plane.. it is kinda selfish to turn down.
    Posted by tricialb02[/QUOTE]

    OP, mail your sister her dress. Not FedEx, USPS. It's slower but gets there, and one of my BMs just paid $18 to send a dress to another BM here in Chile.

    I don't see how not wanting to come 2 weeks before originally planned (and then leave 2 weeks earlier) means she doesn't want to show up. It also doesn't mean she's selfish. If it were a couple days I'd agree with you, but 2 weeks is a big change. Honestly, this isn't about you. This is about your mom and your sister figuring out price and schedule. Let them do that.
  • What  on earth did you spend $500 on? All she needs is a dress and maybe a bouquet - and then a meal at the rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding reception. She can wear her own shoes and jewelry in a neutral color, like silver. Mail the dress to her in Germany (or let her get it altered when she comes to Texas), get reimbursed for it if you want, and let her get it altered on her own dime. How much were the dresses? What else are you paying for?

    I agree that it's not right for her to expect your mother to just pay the higher price, but what is her schedule like? Maybe she just cannot take the extra time to leave Germany, especially if she's studying or has a job there.

    And even if she does not, this is not between you and her. This is between her and your mother. If your mother gives in and pays for the more expensive flight, problem solved. If not, then your mother has left it up to your sister to pay her own way or stay in Germany, and your hands are clean.
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  • At this point, I have paid for the dresses, the shoes, the jewlrey, the bridesmaids presents.. etc. We also paid for a dinner cruise, spa day and bouquet and leis for each in our party.

    She is in college- but in July college will be out. So really she doesn't have any obligations in Germany. She is really being selfish I feel to ask my mom to shell out the extra cash instead of her flying in a week or two weeks earlier (she did agree to it earlier).. but now all of sudden this is too much of a burden on her and she isn't coming. 

    If this was her wedding, I would do whatever I could to be there for her. SO I am having a REALLY HARD TIME dealing with the fact that she doesn't seem to find the importance or significance of her presence on that day.

    I think I am going to mail the dress, but I am not paying for alterations- she can chose to do that.. and if she shows up great! But I am not relaying on it after all this.
  • As someone who spent a year in college studying abroad in Europe (UK) I can tell you that it's HARD to leave.  I sobbed the whole 11 hours back to the US.  For me it was the most incredible year of my life and had someone told me "leave two weeks early" I too would have said "I'm not going."  She's built up a life there and it's hard to walk away from it.  She'll get over it, but it's hard at first.

    She's being selfish about this but, frankly, your wedding shouldn't shortchange her of this life-changing experience.  It's hard to explain, but just take my word for it.  When you first got engaged she probably thought it wouldn't be a big deal.  Now she realizes that she'll never have this life again, may never see her friends there again, and it's a tough transition.  Try to be sensitive.
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  • A wedding is one day.  A sister is in your life forever.  You are putting your wedding ahead of your relationship with your sister.  You need to get your priorities in check. 

    One day you are actually going to need your sister to be there for you, and you're going to be really sorry you behaved this way over a wedding. 
  • Babbling Brooke..
    She has lived in Germany for the past year and it isn't like we are asking her to move home.. I am asking her to be part of the wedding. She will be going straight back to Germany after the wedding to finish college there.. so she has plenty of time to relish her German Life there.
  • <p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4c7d1e85-39f8-4e87-9c28-8a454d726c86Post:cb999d85-3486-4b26-8397-c86823dede99">Re: Bridesmaid Help!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]If this was her wedding, I would do whatever I could to be there for her. SO I am having a REALLY HARD TIME dealing with the fact that she doesn't seem to find the importance or significance of her presence on that day.
    Posted by tricialb02[/QUOTE]


    Please realize that weddings are not a tit-for-tat thing. Just because you would do something for someone, does not mean that they should automatically do it in turn for you. The sooner you realize this, the calmer the whole wedding planning process will be. People always let you down during the planning process, but you also need to realize that people will always stay who they are. If she was never the type to pay her own way or to go out of her way for you/your family, she WILL NOT CHANGE.

    Also, the two weeks before your wedding is NOT your wedding. The wedding DAY is your wedding. She didn't originally say that she didn't want to come to the wedding, she said that she didn't want to come in two weeks earlier. So now she's probably saying, "Well, I just won't come at all then!" just because you and/or your mother are telling her that it's two weeks prior or nothing. Probably not because she doesn't want to be there. She's probably about age 18-21, right? Girls that age usually do what they want and don't want to listen to anyone else. They're also often full of empty threats and moodiness.

    And it's nice for you to pay for her stuff. But don't decide to do all of these extra things - shoes, jewelry, spa day, dinner cruise (unless that's your reception) - and then complain that she's wasting your money. No, it's not right to say she'll be there and then bail out, but you also didn't *need* to do all of this. That was your decision to do all of this extra stuff. All a bridesmaid really "needs" is the dress, flowers and a reception/rehearsal dinner meal.

    You're right to mail her the dress and then let her take care of it on her own. The less you nag her about all this, the less she'll complain in return. As far as her flight, let your mother handle it and stay out of it entirely. </p>
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  • Have you ever studied abroad?  It's not just exploring and drinking and culture and finding yourself.  It's also STUDYING.  I had plenty of friends go abroad and not see a damn thing because they were holed up in a library for the entire semester.  If she were going to school locally, would you really ask her to miss two weeks of school for your wedding?  For most college students I've known, that would mean failing or retaking those classes. 

    If she's made a sudden change, then call her and find out what's going on with her life.  But YOU behaved badly and it is on YOU to fix this, or you face the very real possibility of your sister wanting nothing to do with you for the rest of your lives.  Your wedding is one freaking day, she's your sister for life.  Stop thinking like a "bride" and start thinking like a sister.  Frankly, you sound like you're being a lot more selfish than she is, with a lot less excuse.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Alright, I clearly misunderstood the situation.
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  • aerin: Very little studying goes on when you study abroad :P
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  • In some programs.  My friends who studied at Oxford will strenuously disagree.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Even if school's out, your sister's life is in Germany now. It's a big change of plans to ask her to come two weeks earlier. And would this mean that she didn't stay for your party in TX? Maybe she wants to be there for that.

    Regardless of the reasoning or how bratty she's being, I really think you're missing the point: THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It doesn't sound like she's saying she won't come to the wedding - it doesn't sound like your mom has said that if she doesn't take the earlier flight then she can't come, so right now (as you've explained it), it's a situation where they're trying to come to a compromise. If your mom put her foot down and your sister said "well fine then, I'm not coming," that would be another thing.

    And the other point is that I REALLY do not think your mom is getting the best prices. Please talk to a TA (most don't charge commission) before continuing to freak out about this.
  • I was at Oxford too.  The whole system of making the final 100% of your grade --> very little incentive to study during the school year :)
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  • Hmm.  I guess my friends just did it wrong, then.  (Though I know one of them was doing thesis prep as well, so his studying and research was separate from his classwork.)
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • OP--lets put it this way, would YOU leave 2 weeks early to fly to Florida for a (example) DW when you only need to be there for a weekend max?  That's asking her to put her life on hold for 2 weeks!  Secondly, it's between her and your mom.

    I think you're making a mistake in reacting the way you have.  Fix it with your sister and stay out of the debate on the travel plans.

  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited February 2010
    Why did you come on here and ask advice if you were going to just tell everyone why you are right and they are wrong?  You are obviously okay with what you've done.

    I agree with the other ladies.  You've made a mistake, and a big one at that.  Your wedding is one day.  Your MARRIAGE is forever and has very little to with your sister, if anything at all.  You've ruin or severely damaged a lifelong relationship with your sister over one day.

    Even your mother is telling you what you've done is wrong.  Actually, I can't even figure out why you are involved in this at all.  This is between your mom and your sister so regardless of whether she comes in two weeks or two minutes before, why is it your business as long as she is there?

    Let her come in when she wants.  Keep an eye on ticket prices or enlist the price of a travel agent to help find deals.  I think it was wrong of anyone to expect her to change her plans for your wedding, especially by two weeks.  It wasn't a day or two, it was two weeks and that is signficant!

    You keep calling her selfish, but I see that street going both ways.


  • tricialb02:  I agree with you. 

    I'm a bit shocked that everyone is telling you that you are wrong.  Your sister is being completely selfish and immature in thinking that your parents shoudl have to pay $3K for her to come to the wedding when they can get it for so much less if she would be flexible.  If I were your mom, I would tell her I'll pay $800, you pay the rest if you want to do it on your schedule.  She's taking advantage of your parent's generosity.  This is a family event, and she should be there.

    People who think money grows on trees annoy me.  Someday when she actually has to pay her own way, she'll understand.  How old is she anyway?
  • Thanks Noodle_oo.. I kept reading all the responses and I felt pretty beat up.. I am not going to let this ruin my relationship with my sister..

    BUT I do feel like she is being selfish and acting like we should all accomodate her needs. I decided to send her the dress I purchased, and am leaving the alterations and her showing up as her responsibility.  I just feel like I can't get emotionally involved in her coming when she was so easy to come to the conclusion she wont be there if we can't make the flight when she wants regardless of the price.
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