Bridesmaid Help!!

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4c7d1e85-39f8-4e87-9c28-8a454d726c86Post:b3cced45-8b8a-46c6-85bf-f36ddba6edd3">Re: Bridesmaid Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Noodle_oo.. I kept reading all the responses and I felt pretty beat up.. I am not going to let this ruin my relationship with my sister.
Posted by tricialb02[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, but the crazy thing is, you probably won't get to make that decision.  You've already made the mistake.  Now, it will be up to your sister to decide if she even wants to continue to have a relationship with you.</div><div>
</div><div>And, in all fairness to your sister, your mom offered to pay for her ticket without any restrictions on when she would be traveling.  I don't think your sister is behaving well either and I'd probably just suck it up and travel when the price was right.  But, two wrongs don't make a right and in this case, two wrongs will probably ruin the relationship or at least make things difficult for a long time.</div>

AdeleDazeem

For the record, I do not think money grows on trees.  In fact, I'm well aware that it doesn't.

The sister is being a brat and the OP responded equally poor.  That's all we are trying to point out.

Most of us are suggesting calling her, talking to her and working it out.  Perhaps it wasn't said with sugar on top, but it was said. 

Honestly, OP - if you show up at your wedding and your sister isn't there because you both behaved badly, how would you feel?  You're still angry now... but ask yourself in a few days.  Be the bigger person - it will be worth it.

tricialb02

To Duckie1905- Don't you think it is totally ridicoulous to put limitations on a gift.. because that is exactly what my mom is giving my sister. She is gifting her with a flight and hotel. I don't think it is polite when someone gives you a gift to say oh sorry this sweater isn't the color I like so please take it back. I think that obviously half the people on here that responded obviously have been raised to think it is ok to be completely rude and self-centered.  When someone gifts you with a free vacation- you either accept or not. It wasn't I will pay for your trip chose your flight and hotel.. it was you will be taking a family vacation to see your sister get married and I am gifting it to you.

On the relationship with my sister- we have worked out tougher things in life then this.. and we have already spoken. I don't think she understands where I am coming from.. but that is ok. She is going to try to be more greatful and move her schedule around to be at the wedding.

mlhelmke1

First off, if more than one person is answering the same way then I would go with the flow....as in your in the wrong here.

I know fighting with a sister isn't always about whats going on right now, and that there is a lot of history that the rest of us don't know about. That being said, she is your sister. This is your wedding. Do you really want everyone at the reception gossiping about how horrible it was that you kicked your own sister out of the wedding (not knowing the whole story) or commenting on how beautiful you are or how wonderful the food is or what a cute couple you and your new hubby make?

I am sure you have enough other things to stress about right now. I think calming down, apologizing, and then staying out of it is the way to go. The travel accomodations are between your mother and sister. Your not spending the money for her flight.

I agree with you that she is being a little bit of a pain, but I am sure her reasons are just as important to her as yours are to you. The wedding will only last a day, the fight could last years and ruin other important days in both of your lives (Christmas, birthdays, first born babies, her wedding ect). You can't just stack this fight up against your wedding, it has to be weighed against all the other things this fight could and will affect.

All the best!

aerinpegadrak

But if someone gifts you with a free vacation and you're unable to go for whatever reason, then yes, you turn it down.  If I won a free trip to Europe, but in order to go I'd have to leave tomorrow, I'd have to turn it down, because I have obligations with my job that I can't change.  If someone is giving a gift that requires something of you (like, say, leaving the country for two weeks), then yes, you absolutely get some sort of say in it.  There's a difference between being grateful for something and being a doormat who lets other people run your life.

I'm paying for my brother and his wife to fly out to my DW, and he'll pay me back when and if he's able, because it's important to me that he be there.  But I'm not just going to book the tickets and say, "Here's when you're leaving," I'm going to find out his schedule and book something that works with that.

Being considerate works both ways.  I don't think anyone's saying that she's completely innocent in this, but neither are you.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4c7d1e85-39f8-4e87-9c28-8a454d726c86Post:b3cced45-8b8a-46c6-85bf-f36ddba6edd3">Re: Bridesmaid Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Noodle_oo.. I kept reading all the responses and I felt pretty beat up.. I am not going to let this ruin my relationship with my sister..
Posted by tricialb02[/QUOTE]

WTF do you think kicking her out of your wedding is? 

If you want to rescue your relaitonship with her, you need to do some serious apologizing for kicking her out.  That's a terribly nasty thing to do to a person, and usually ruins relationships. 

She may have behaved selfishly, but the flight situation is none of your business.  You completely over reacted and behaved terribly to her.

noodle_oo

If the sister told the OP that she wouldn't come to the wedding because the parent's won't pay for the VERY expensive flight she wants, didn't the sister effectively remove herself from the wedding party anyway?

i'm sorry, I just can't get past the selfish, ungrateful behavior of the sister.  Yes, it was wrong to "kick" her out of the WP (although, she's sending her the dress, I think the idea is if you show up you are in it, but if you don't you aren't), but the sister is bringing this upon herself by being selfish.  If you continue to cater to her demands, she will just continue to act selfishly and never grow up.

duckie1905

Your sister must be a bigger person that I am because if I my sister had kicked me to the curb for something that had zero to do with her, at best our relationship would be strained and at worst it would be over.  That was a horrible and ugly thing you did and I'd honestly be surprised if she even attended the wedding.

And yes, I think that if you are being given a gift that requires something of you, you do get to a say in it.

This was between your mom and your sister.  You stuck your nose in it and made it worse.  Start apologizing, put your sister back in the WP, and hope that it doesn't cause lasting repercussions.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4c7d1e85-39f8-4e87-9c28-8a454d726c86Post:8514f3c7-7907-41f3-b3b1-5a5b38bb97ba">Re: Bridesmaid Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]If the sister told the OP that she wouldn't come to the wedding because the parent's won't pay for the VERY expensive flight she wants, didn't the sister effectively remove herself from the wedding party anyway?
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

No, because the wedding is not for another 6 months.  That still gives mom and sister plenty of time to talk to a travel agent/do more research and work something out.

But the flight situation remains none of the OPs business. 

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4c7d1e85-39f8-4e87-9c28-8a454d726c86Post:8514f3c7-7907-41f3-b3b1-5a5b38bb97ba">Re: Bridesmaid Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]If the sister told the OP that she wouldn't come to the wedding because the parent's won't pay for the VERY expensive flight she wants, didn't the sister effectively remove herself from the wedding party anyway?
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

Noodle, that's not what I read. I read that Mom initially said "Sister, I will pay for your flight so you can come for the wedding and stay two weeks after for the AHR." Then it became "that flight is too expensive, I'd like you to come two weeks before instead." And the sister has, up til now, said "no Mom, I want to fly on the original dates." That, at this stage with 6 months to go and plenty of time to book a flight, is NOT the same as "fine, I'm not coming to the wedding."

It's not actually OP's problem at all. It's for the mom and the sister to work out how they will compromise on price and date. Mom needs to explain to her daughter that the original dates are too expensive - not OP. And the sister needs to either contribute by finding a cheaper flight on the dates she wants or changing her schedule or contributing some of the cost - not OP. It's only because it seems like OP has gone and stuck her nose in something that was between her mom and her sister - and as a result was saying she was going to kick her sister out of her wedding - that we're all saying OP's wrong. That's not the same as saying that the sister might not need to compromise with the mom.

tricialb02

In response to all the feedback I am getting I wanted to say that I appreciate all of your thoughts, I may not agree with most of you but you did take time to respond to me and I appreciate it.  

But I am offended that many of you believe "its not the OP's problem"..here is the thing this is my problem. I have lost my father and my mother is currently going thru cancer treatments- so the only family I have is my mother and my two sisters. My family is a big believer in communication and transparency- hence the only reason my mother asked for help to get my sister to the wedding. If she wouldn't have asked for help yes I would have stayed completely out of it.  One, I think it is completely disrespectful for me to tell my mom it isn't my problem when the whole issue is around my wedding and two she is being so generous to pay for my family to be there for me on my special day. My mom doesn't need the extra stress of having to deal with this when she is ill,  but she has agreed to pay for the trip.  I think my sister is being completely irreasonable to suggest my mom pay $1800-2700 to get her here for a week regardless of anything.. my mom has agreed to pay for her whole trip she should just be grateful instead of putting sitpulations on everything. Even when we asked her to come only 4 days before that was too much to ask of her.

My sister did communicate that she wasnt coming to the wedding for a week before I made the choice to remove her from the bridal party. So I feel like I wasn't being irrational or hasty. I do see the point that she is my sister, so I have decided to send her the dress for the wedding but I am not going to make any more fiancial efforts to keep her involved in the wedding unless she decides she wants to support me.  I feel that by mailing her the dress I am giving her the oppurtunity to still decide if she would like to be part of the wedding party. I also see that the wedding is still 5 mths out, but I am not going to get my emotions caught up in the matter that she will be there to come and find out she isnt there.

Thanks for your help and advice..