MOH NOT allowing best man to attend bachelor party- where is my place?

jeremys_jacqueline

My husband to be and I have been friends since high school, and are lucky enough to have our best friends married as well. His best man (best friend of over 15 years) and my MOH are married, which you would think makes things simple, but really, shes being insane.

My fiance is having a boys only cruise for  2 nights an hour away from their house. The cruise is cheaper than most dinners in SF so money isnt the issue, its that she doesnt want him to go complaining that she needs help at home. I volunteered to fly out there in place of him and help her take care of stuff at home, but she declined. Now shes saying she doesnt want him to go because he would cheat on her if he did, COME ON! This is stupid. So now- everyone in the grooms party is all set to go and she isnt allowing his best  man to attend. My fiance wants me to tell her shes out of the wedding if she doesnt "allow" her husband to be part of it.

These are respectable guys here, not crazy party boys, they are just looking for some time to bond and hang out. 

What do you think, now they hate each other and I am stuck in the middle. I agree with my fiance, that shes being stupid, and I feel so bad for her husband who is bossed around like that all day.

Whats my place? Ive already dropped subtle hints.... not working.

aerinpegadrak

I think the best man needs to grow a pair and deal with his wife himself.  This really isn't your problem, and your FI shouldn't be trying to put you in the middle.  I might possibly see if FI could appeal to the MOH directly, but that's a really delicate situation and has the potential to create more problems than it would solve.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-not-allowing-man-attend-bachelor-party-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:582aec96-fd5a-467a-ac06-a3f9b38c7ad9Post:3cd224fe-7bf5-4536-9412-6839536ff0b8">MOH NOT allowing best man to attend bachelor party- where is my place?</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband to be and I have been friends since high school, and are lucky enough to have our best friends married as well. His best man (best friend of over 15 years) and my MOH are married, which you would think makes things simple, but really, shes being insane. My fiance is having a boys only cruise for  2 nights an hour away from their house. The cruise is cheaper than most dinners in SF so money isnt the issue, its that she doesnt want him to go complaining that she needs help at home. I volunteered to fly out there in place of him and help her take care of stuff at home, but she declined. Now shes saying she doesnt want him to go because he would cheat on her if he did, COME ON! This is stupid. So now- everyone in the grooms party is all set to go and she isnt allowing his best  man to attend. My fiance wants me to tell her shes out of the wedding if she doesnt "allow" her husband to be part of it. These are respectable guys here, not crazy party boys, they are just looking for some time to bond and hang out.  What do you think, now they hate each other and I am stuck in the middle. I agree with my fiance, that shes being stupid, and I feel so bad for her husband who is bossed around like that all day. Whats my place? Ive already dropped subtle hints.... not working.
Posted by jeremys_jacqueline@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

Yes, the Best Man needs to address any issues he's having with his wife. It is not you or your FI's place to have any part in it.

september's bride

I think you should focus on your own relationship and stay out of theirs. Your FI will simply have to say, "I'm sorry to hear that you won't be able to make it. We'll miss you." and leave it at that.

bablingbrooke

While I agree that she's being silly, I also agree that there's nothing you can do and that it would be best for your friendship to stay out of it.  

For all you know, there's backstory here that you don't know about.  Maybe BM cheated on her (or came very close to doing so) and that's why she doesn't want to let him out of the house.  

SarahPLiz

This is definitley a situation where your intusion could have you both end up friendless. MOH needs to address this with her H. If he is fine with her demands, then it si not your place to tell them how to run their relationship. If he's not ok with it, and he wants you to intervene, then you need to refuse and make him face his own issues.

I repeat, do not intervene. Don't even mention it to her anymore. The decisions they make in their relationship are their business, and if the BM is choosing his wife over his best friend, then that's his perogative.

mbcdefg

She sounds like a wacko (unless, like babling said, there's a backstory here), but it's ultimately none of your business. FI and his pals can enjoy the cruise without him.

As for your FI wanting to kick the MOH out, he needs to realize that this will destory your friendship with her, her husband, and perhaps any mutual friends you four might have. He also needs to realize that this isn't his concern. Of course he feels bad for his friend, but he needs to butt out. Remind him of this.

Mrs.B6302007

Stay out of it.


She sounds like she's being overly dramatic about thinking he'll cheat but you know what?  Maybe there's some basis to her thoughts; only they really know.

jeremys_jacqueline

Update- there is no backstory, we are all best friends, have known each other for 10 years now- she claims feels "fat" because she was just pregnant and feels insecure which is stupid, shes gorgouse andher husband loves her and tells her constantly. its BS.

 There is no reason other than that she wants to be controlling, and honestly, it really really bugs me. 

Her husband, the best man, really wants to go and has asked me several times to "talk with her" Ive dropped hints (seen the ad for the hangover when the bitchy wife is just nagging her husband about going on a "stupid bachelor trip- posted that to her facebook to remind her how she sounds) and well- she didnt take that well. Her husband is ball-less, Ill give you that, over the years shes just worn him down- he officially has no say in anything anymore whatsoever, its sad really. and my FI is going to take this as a big deal, as he feels his wife is doing it to show dominance.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-not-allowing-man-attend-bachelor-party-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:582aec96-fd5a-467a-ac06-a3f9b38c7ad9Post:e3363207-0918-4bdb-99db-891aa0b56df9">Re: MOH NOT allowing best man to attend bachelor party- where is my place?</a>:
[QUOTE]Update- there is no backstory, we are all best friends, have known each other for 10 years now- she claims feels "fat" because she was just pregnant and feels insecure which is stupid, shes gorgouse andher husband loves her and tells her constantly. its BS.  There is no reason other than that she wants to be controlling, and honestly, it really really bugs me.  Her husband, the best man, really wants to go and has asked me several times to "talk with her" Ive dropped hints (seen the ad for the hangover when the bitchy wife is just nagging her husband about going on a "stupid bachelor trip- posted that to her facebook to remind her how she sounds) and well- she didnt take that well. <strong>Her husband is ball-less, Ill give you that, over the years shes just worn him down- he officially has no say in anything anymore whatsoever, its sad really. and my FI is going to take this as a big deal, as he feels his wife is doing it to show dominance.
</strong>Posted by jeremys_jacqueline@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

If this is true, then the BM let this happen. You need to tell him to stand up for himself in his marriage, because he married her, not you. Marriage takes precedence over friendship anyday. Let your FI deal with him, and make sure you extract yourself from the situation pronto. If the BM comes to you again, you tell him that he needs to deal with his own marriage. Cowboy up, buddy!

bablingbrooke

Well, in that case, to talk to her would be meddling in a marriage.  If he can't even go out with his friends without her permission, to the point that he's got to go to her BFF and say "Please talk to my wife so she'll let me go to the party!" then he's created his own pathetic situation.  I mean he sounds like a 12 year old asking his older brother to intervene on his behalf with his mother to let him do something.  Sounds like the marriage has a lot of issues.

SarahPLiz

Oh, and if she is feeling depressed about weight gain, etc, it is HIS approval she is seeking, not yours. HE needs to address his wife's issues with her. Yes, she is your friend and you can be the listening ear, but if its his approval she wants for her new shape, then its only his heartfelt approval that will help her. Either that, or she can change her new shape as a way to feel better about herself. But you can't do anything about it but sympathize and suggest that they talk to each other rather than you. Your FI can be upset, that's his right, but neither of you have the right to interfere with the BM and MOH's relationship.

pooh8402

this is between a husband and wife. stay out of it, not your problem or business.

emilyinchile

I think right now you need to be talking to a different friend - the BM. As his friend, help him realize that HE needs to deal with this situation not just for the bach party but for the long-term happiness of his marriage. You won't change your MOH's mind (if that was going to happen, it would have happened with the hints), you'll only manage to get her angry at you and probably angry enough that she "forbids" her husband from being friends with you and your FI.

jeremys_jacqueline

Its so sad. 

SarahPLiz

Yes it is sad, but its not in your power to fix.

aerinpegadrak

I think it's the BM who needs the "come to Jesus" talk, not the MOH.  If he comes to you again about it, just tell him flat-out that if he wants to be able to go out with his friends without needing a signed permission slip from his wife, then he needs to stand up for himself.  But you need to flat-out refuse to get involved any further, or you'll damage your relationship with the MOH.  Perhaps being told, "Sorry, we'll miss you, but we're not going to fight your battles," will wake him up.

banana468

This is VERY sad but the person who should be encouraging discussion is your FI talking to his BM encouraging him to talk to his wife.

It's not your place to get involved unless she asks you...and right now they need to work on what sounds like a not so solid marriage.

lyndausvi

Stay out of it. This is a husband-wife problem.

Besides, if she does wear the pants in the family the only thing kicking her out of the wedding would do is lose your FI a BM.  Because do you really think if she will not let him attend a B-party, she is really going to allow him to be a BM in a wedding she was just kicked out of?  Think about it?

banana468

Yeah, Lynda brings up another excellent point.  Getting involved will only make her punish him more. 

christieandalex10

Wow. It seems that your MOH is going through a lot at the moment that no one here can really understand. You mentioned that she was recently pregnant? Did she have her baby? miscarry? A good friend of mine recently had a baby and is going through post partum. It sounds to me that your friend has a lot of insecurities building up that may very well be due to the pregnancy. I wouldn't judge her too quickly. She may really need her husband right now. You're going to have to step back and let this couple make the best decision for themselves. Do not try to influence the BM in any way. Even if you do not agree with the outcome of this situation, look at this as a learning experience for you and your FI. How would you guys handle a situation like this down the road? Learn from them and support them throughout.

MyNameIsNot

Stay out of it.  BM is an adult and a parent.  He needs to grow up and learn how to communicate with his wife without dragging his friends into it.  Tell him that it's between them and you won't be having anything to do with it.

aerinpegadrak

Even if the MOH is having her own issues now, that's no excuse for treating her husband like shiit.

kmm2150

I agree with pp that you should stay out of it - this is their issue in their relationship, but if your FI can encourage BM to talk to her in a supportive way - he loves her, he'd never cheat, etc., without "meddling" that would be good.  Also, if you do get a chance to talk to her about it again - she brings it up - be supportive not critical - telling her she's being a nag is not helpful...tell her what you told us: they are good guys, she is loved and beautiful and has nothing to worry about.  I hope this situation works out, and that you'd don't let it overwhelm you and enjoying your own wedding!

jeremys_jacqueline

Well- I emailed her on thursday asking her to call me when she had time to talk about this, as she knows the entire groomsmen party is awaiting HER response... and she has yet to contact me, this is someone I usually talk to everyday too-

She is a few months pregnant, with her second healthy baby, so no on the postpartum, shes just looking for control over someone. Its infuriating that she is behaving like this, because now her husband is the butt of every groomsmen joke, "watch out, once you get married, youll turn into him!!!" is the nicest Ive heard so far, so now hes going to feel super awkward throughout the entire process and everyone of my bridesmaids and groomsmen cannot stand her. It might be best to have her step out, if she is going to be so selfish right away,  shes not the type to put anyone ahead of her, I just felt that because I was her MOH and her husbands the BM I would make her mine in return although I knew getting into it that all the other bridesmaids would be doing all the work.She has some issues, none of which are validated by any past history, this is her way of holding control over someone other than her three year old- makes her feel important, but in reality, makes everyone despise her. 

LarissaAnn

I feel like a suck up since I just said it in the other thread, but yet again, I agree with everything Sarah said (and much of what others have said, she just said it the way I would have).

This is not a reason to kick out your MOH.  This is not your FI's business, it's not your business.  It's MOH's business and BM's business and has to do with their relationship and NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR WEDDING.  Stay out of it.

banana468

Ditto Larissa.

EVERYONE said this wasnt' your business but now you think it's grounds to kick her out?

That's  you not being a good friend to her.

The only possible thing you might be able to get away with as a "good" friend is to say, "Is there anything going on that you want to talk about?  You may already know this but the guys are really hoping that the hubby can go to the bachelor party."

However even that is treading down a slippery slope.  And if you think you're going to be able to lecture her that's not smart.

Asking her to "step out" will only mean that your FI doesn't have a BM and possibly no friend either.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-not-allowing-man-attend-bachelor-party-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:582aec96-fd5a-467a-ac06-a3f9b38c7ad9Post:5574322a-c7c7-4f9a-8813-5e86581ffdc9">Re: MOH NOT allowing best man to attend bachelor party- where is my place?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well- I emailed her on thursday asking her to call me when she had time to talk about this, as she knows the entire groomsmen party is awaiting HER response... and she has yet to contact me, this is someone I usually talk to everyday too- She is a few months pregnant, with her second healthy baby, so no on the postpartum, shes just looking for control over someone. Its infuriating that she is behaving like this, because now her husband is the butt of every groomsmen joke, "watch out, once you get married, youll turn into him!!!" is the nicest Ive heard so far, so now hes going to feel super awkward throughout the entire process and everyone of my bridesmaids and groomsmen cannot stand her. It might be best to have her step out, if she is going to be so selfish right away,  shes not the type to put anyone ahead of her, I just felt that because I was her MOH and her husbands the BM I would make her mine in return although I knew getting into it that all the other bridesmaids would be doing all the work.She has some issues, none of which are validated by any past history, this is her way of holding control over someone other than her three year old- makes her feel important, but in reality, makes everyone despise her. 
Posted by jeremys_jacqueline@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

Oh god.  Fine kick her out.

Now you will be out of a MOH, the BM still will not be attending the b-party and I bet your FI will be out of a BM because he will have to support his wife.

Leaving it alone and letting the couple figure this out on their own is far less drama than just the BM not attending the b-party.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-not-allowing-man-attend-bachelor-party-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:582aec96-fd5a-467a-ac06-a3f9b38c7ad9Post:5574322a-c7c7-4f9a-8813-5e86581ffdc9">Re: MOH NOT allowing best man to attend bachelor party- where is my place?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well- I emailed her on thursday asking her to call me when she had time to talk about this, as she knows the entire groomsmen party is awaiting HER response... and she has yet to contact me, this is someone I usually talk to everyday too-
Posted by jeremys_jacqueline@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

She probably hasn't called back because she knows you're going to bug her about this again, and she doesn't feel like talking about it when it's none of your business.

[QUOTE]She is a few months pregnant, with her second healthy baby, so no on the postpartum, shes just looking for control over someone. Its infuriating that she is behaving like this, because now her husband is the butt of every groomsmen joke, "watch out, once you get married, youll turn into him!!!" is the nicest Ive heard so far, so now hes going to feel super awkward throughout the entire process and everyone of my bridesmaids and groomsmen cannot stand her.
Posted by jeremys_jacqueline@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

Pregnancy can be a pretty hormonal time and/or she might be overwhelmed with pregnancy plus a small child. It is her husband's job to support her, and it is also his job to stand up for himself if he wants to. If he wants the jokes to stop, he can be a big boy and tell people to stop teasing him - not your problem. Ditto other people not liking the MOH - you chose her because you like her, not as part of a play group with the other WP members, they can deal.

[QUOTE]It might be best to have her step out, if she is going to be so selfish right away,  shes not the type to put anyone ahead of her, I just felt that because I was her MOH and her husbands the BM I would make her mine in return although I knew getting into it that all the other bridesmaids would be doing all the work.
Posted by jeremys_jacqueline@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

Oh. So you didn't choose her because you like her. That was your mistake, and it's one you need to live with. She doesn't need to put your wedding or you ahead of anything else except during your wedding ceremony, and she doesn't need to do "all the work" (neither do other BMs).

We are internet strangers giving you objective opinions - we have no reason to lie or be mean. If you kick her out, you will lose her as a friend, and you and your FI will also lose her husband if she's really this controlling. Please just let the two of them figure out their own problems, don't bring drama upon yourself, and if the BM misses a party then that's not the end of the world.

duckie1905

I don't really understand why you see it as your job to protect the BM from his wife or protect his feelings when the other guys tease him.  He is  a big boy and if he wants to either stand up to his wife or stand up to his friends he needs to do it on his own.  You getting involved is only going to continue to complicate things and you asking her to step down over something as trivial as a bachelor party will only serve to destroy your relationship with her and probably your FI's relationship with the BM.

This was before and remains none of your business and completely unrelated to your wedding.

gottahavashorti

I'm not seeing any reason to end your friendship and potentially jeopardize your FI's friendship over a bachelor party. 

Your MOH and BMs shoudln't need to do any "work" so I'm not sure what you're getting at there either.