help!!???

clsangel34

My sister was my MOH and we had gotten into a huge blowout...she ended up kicking me out of the house which I was paying rent at. Long story short she moved me in 3 months ago because her fiance moved out...now wanted back in so she kicked me our....yes drama drama I hate it. Anyways I don't have a MOH now and don't know what to do. I want to ask one of my bm but don't want her to feel like she's second best....help

mbcdefg

Don't ask a replacement. You don't need a MOH.

Summer2011Bride

They would feel second best if you asked them now. Just don't have an MOH.

aerinpegadrak

Just don't have an MOH.  If you were to replace your sister, she'd be justified in never wanting to speak to you again.

mabrown5

You have over a year until your wedding. Don't relace your MOH with someone else. You asked her for a reason. Yes you got into a fight but a lot can change within a year. More than likely you two will make up at some point (you are family) and how rotten would you feel to have to tell her you acted rashly and out of hurt/anger and replaced her. That could cause a lot more drama. Even if you do not make up/forgive each other, you do not need a MOH.

clsangel34

I asked her because I thought she was the right person....its not just a fight....I refuse to talk to her after all of this and after she put down and degraded my fiance...I wouldn't want her near us

pkontk

I agree with PPs, do not replace her.  You still have time before your wedding, perhaps you will patch things up.

mbcdefg

In Response to Re:help!!???:I asked her because I thought she was the right person....its not just a fight....I refuse to talk to her after all of this and after she put down and degraded my fiance...I wouldn't want her near us Posted by clsangel34 Ok, so then tell her that you're cutting off contact with her and she is no longer invited to your wedding or welcome in your life. If you aren't willing to do that, then do not tell her that she is demoted from MOH to bridesmaid, or from bridal party to regular guest. There's no way to kick her out of the bridal party but invite her as a guest. Either your fight was so awful that it's destroyed your relationship with her, or it wasn't awful enough for you to cut ties with her and so you're just going to have to move past it somehow. There's no inbetween area where it's ok to say "You're not good enough up be MOH/bridesmaid but I don't hate you enough to cut ties with you." Either go allout or get over it. Really, though, chill out a while and let things cool down before you make any rash decisions. I am willing to bet that this can eventually be hashed out. How old are the two of you? Whatever you do, though, don't name a new MOH or bring in another bridesmaid to even up the sides. Just go on with whoever you have left. A backstory will never change that answer.

clsangel34

mbcdefg...u have it wrong...no one was demoted from anything...I'm not speaking to my sister....she tore up my pictures of my fiance and I...she tore up my save the dates...she is no longer family to me. She is a child and I choose not to talk to her at all...so there was no demoting of any kind..she just wont be there....my sides are uneven and I do not want that. Thanks for the advice but I will choose another moh

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-24?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddb6769-a687-48c7-bd92-12ba063680e6Post:41ab532b-069a-48dd-b3f1-85c1ce2e68ea">Re:help!!???</a>:
[QUOTE]mbcdefg...u have it wrong...no one was demoted from anything...I'm not speaking to my sister....she tore up my pictures of my fiance and I...she tore up my save the dates...she is no longer family to me. She is a child and I choose not to talk to her at all...so there was no demoting of any kind..she just wont be there....my sides are uneven and I do not want that. Thanks for the advice but I will choose another moh
Posted by clsangel34[/QUOTE]
How sad that numbers are more important to you than people, then, and how sad for whomever you ask to fill in that they'll know that you didn't really want them up there, you just needed a warm body.

clsangel34

Seems like you're very selfish...she tore up my save the dates...she disrespected us.....what's it going to look like to everyone if I'm missing a bm. Or I don't have a maid of honor...

clsangel34

I made the mistake of picking her to begin with....never should have

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-24?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddb6769-a687-48c7-bd92-12ba063680e6Post:41ab532b-069a-48dd-b3f1-85c1ce2e68ea">Re:help!!???</a>:
[QUOTE]mbcdefg...u have it wrong...no one was demoted from anything...I'm not speaking to my sister....she tore up my pictures of my fiance and I...she tore up my save the dates...she is no longer family to me. She is a child and I choose not to talk to her at all...so there was no demoting of any kind..she just wont be there....<strong>my sides are uneven and I do not want that.</strong> Thanks for the advice but I will choose another moh
Posted by clsangel34[/QUOTE]

People are not props. You are supposed to choose your nearest and dearest to be in your wedding. Not someone to stand up there like a statue.   Your sides don't need to be even.    This whole thing sounds like high school crap. 

Summer2011Bride

I don't think anyone is judging that you don't want to speak to your  sister right now, but it is definitely rude to put even numbers above people's feelings. OK so you may not care if you piss off or hurt your sister's feelings. What about the person you "promote"? In your OP you said you didn't want them to feel second best. Everyone here told you they would, but you plan to disregard everyone's advice and do what you want so your pictures look pretty and even. That's pathetic. Just have uneven sides and move on. My H was once "promoted" from usher to GM after there was a falling out between the groom and one of his GMs. My H felt really crappy about it and agreed to it just to not make a big stink, but he definitely felt very "runner-up" and it wasn't cool.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-24?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddb6769-a687-48c7-bd92-12ba063680e6Post:9a97a2f6-8b3a-4e8e-8f14-e7c81af9d83a">Re:help!!???</a>:
[QUOTE]Seems like you're very selfish...she tore up my save the dates...she disrespected us.....what's it going to look like to everyone if I'm missing a bm. Or I don't have a maid of honor...
Posted by clsangel34[/QUOTE]

I had 5 BMs and 3 GM in my WP and no one talked about us behind our backs!  Uneven sides are fine!  I was a BM once where I got escorted by 2 GM and it was awesome! 

Do not replace anyone!

aerinpegadrak

You're not getting it.  It doesn't matter how justified you are in not having her in the wedding.  She could have tried to murder you in your sleep, and it would still not be okay to replace her.  If you thought that this might be a problem, you should have considered that before asking her.  Adults live with the consequences of their decisions and don't shuffle people around like mannequins to make themselves feel better and cover up for their bad judgment.

Uneven sides are becoming the norm.  It's not worth hurting your friends to cling to a dying tradition that never really had a point anyway.  

GoodLuckBear14

OP - everyone's responses to replacing your sister in the WP has nothing to do with her.  We are talking about the feelings of the person you would be "promoting."  Nobody likes to feel like the only reason they were asked to do something is because for some reason the asker's first choice cannot.  Nobody likes to feel like the only reason they were asked to be in a WP is so that there are even sides (this happened to me - it sucks). 

I understand being angry with your sister.  Really I do.  I have a BSC cousin who yelled at DH "It's about time you married her you asshole" seconds after we were married.  That was almost two years ago and I only speak to her when taking Christmas presents to her son/my Godson.  She is someone whom I have no problem cutting out of my life.  I don't have sisters but I can tell you that no matter how angry I've ever been with my brothers, I've never wanted to permanently end my sibling relationship with him.  I would think long and hard about this before you do anything drastic.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-24?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddb6769-a687-48c7-bd92-12ba063680e6Post:41ab532b-069a-48dd-b3f1-85c1ce2e68ea">Re:help!!???</a>:
[QUOTE]mbcdefg...u have it wrong...no one was demoted from anything...I'm not speaking to my sister....she tore up my pictures of my fiance and I...she tore up my save the dates...she is no longer family to me. She is a child and I choose not to talk to her at all...so there was no demoting of any kind..she just wont be there....my sides are uneven and I do not want that. <strong>Thanks for the advice but I will choose another moh</strong>
Posted by clsangel34[/QUOTE]
Why did you bother asking for advice if you already had your mind made up?

Legu

There are many many ladies on here, who already had their wedding with their uneven sides, more BMs, more GMs, no MoH, 2 MoH... No bridal party at all... I'm pretty sure they're just as happily married now as those that had even sides... I think... I dunno, perhaps I'm wrong. When my xFI and I were talking wedding, he had a list of seven people he was desperately trying to narrow down to equal my four. The look on his face when I told him he could have 27 if he wanted... I just don't understand why everything needs to be even and matching... Drives me nuts.

willywally5

Nobody will die if you have uneven sides. 

You asked if you should move up one of your BM to MOH but stated in your OP you didn't 'want her to feel bad like she was second best'

Yet further down the thread, after everyone has told you NOT to promote a BM to MOH you change your story. 

WTH did you even ask? You're wasting everyone's time.

BrittneyRN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-24?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ddb6769-a687-48c7-bd92-12ba063680e6Post:9a97a2f6-8b3a-4e8e-8f14-e7c81af9d83a">Re:help!!???</a>:
[QUOTE]Seems like you're very selfish...she tore up my save the dates...she disrespected us.....what's it going to look like to everyone if I'm missing a bm. Or I don't have a maid of honor...
Posted by clsangel34[/QUOTE]



Um it won't look bad at all. Who cares if you have uneven sides? I am going to. Do you really think people will judge you if you don't have a MOH? Or have uneven sides? That's seriously ridiculous. It's sad you care more about numbers than you do your friends' feelings.

mbcdefg

In Response to Re:help!!???:[QUOTE]Seems like you're very selfish...she tore up my save the dates...she disrespected us.....[/quote]

Who's selfish?

Look, cut ties with your sister if you want. Nobody is telling you that you're forbidden from doing that. But bringing in a replacement MOH/bridesmaid is just rude as hell.


[quote]what's it going to look like to everyone if I'm missing a bm. Or I don't have a maid of honor... Posted by clsangel34[/QUOTE]

It's not going to look like anything because nobody gives a flying fuucck how many people are standing there. Guests are there to witness your marriage and then eat/drink/party afterward, not criticize you based on an equal or unequal number of people.

aerinpegadrak

Anyone who thinks less of a wedding that has uneven sides is a sad, shallow person whose opinion does not need to be considered.

springfling2012

I have to agree with what everyone has already said. Although I'm sure you are very hurt by this blowout with your sister, please do not replace her. Right before I got married my youngest sister was being very flaky, getting in trouble, and didn't even show up to my shower. My older sister MOH made a joke saying my FSIL would have to "fill in" because she was the same size, when word of that got to my two best friends that were not in the WP they were very hurt. I dosen't make ANYONE feel good to be second best. Just enjoy having the other BMs standing up with you and your FI. Good Luck.

springfling2012

I have to agree with what everyone has already said. Although I'm sure you are very hurt by this blowout with your sister, please do not replace her. Right before I got married my youngest sister was being very flaky, getting in trouble, and didn't even show up to my shower. My older sisterMOH made a joke saying my FSIL would have to "fill in" because she was the same size, when word of that got to my two best friends that were not in the WP they were very hurt. Point being, when you start making 2nd choice additions someone is bound the get their feelings hurt. I dosen't make ANYONE feel good to be second best. Just be glad you have the other people in your WP standing up with you and your FI. Good Luck.

runpipparun

I get the feeling you are, in part, choosing another MOH in order to passive aggressively hurt your sister. As if to reinforce whatever you said to her when you fought. That she isn't your sister anymore, that you are done with her, that you are moving on without her, that she is no longer your family.

Personally, I would not choose another MOH, at all, and I certainly would not do it right away. Give yourself a few months to calm down. Whatever you do, do not react out of anger or hurt, which is what you are doing right now. Even if she said the same things to you, just give yourself time to calm down.

ETA: I feel like if you calm down, you will see things differently and understand your motivations for wanting to making this decision NOW. And if you understand that it's really NOT to have "even numbers," and more to inflict hurt upon your sister the way she has hurt you, then you will choose not to replace her.