Wedding Party

best friend for 10 yrs, my maid of honor, but no longer friends! what to do?

so recently my best friend of 10 years, who is my maid of honor and i had a falling out. she of course took herself out of the wedding. i asked my cousin to be my new maid of honor, for several reasons. 1: she wants to help with my wedding, as the other didnt. 2: she is planning my bridal party and my bachlorette party, as my old moh didnt have the time to do so.... was it bad of me to ask my cousin, who i should have clearly asked in the first place, to be my new maid of honor? its hard, cuz every since we were kids, my friend and i always said we would be each others maid of honors, but as the time actually came it wasnt the right choice.
and if this friend does come back into my life before the wedding, should i allow her to be in the wedding, even if its just as a bridesmaid?

Re: best friend for 10 yrs, my maid of honor, but no longer friends! what to do?

  • I'd have to say you committed a HUGE faux pas here. You simply don't replace ANY member of your wedding party, regardless if they took themselves out or not. By doing that, I think you've ruined any chance of reconciliation with your former best friend.

    I was actually booted from a former friend's bridal party and was replaced by a friend she had barely known for 3 months. Trust me, it hurts! You don't EVER replace someone regardless of the situation.
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  • Well, this is messy.

    I think what's done is done here.  Yeah, maybe it wasn't the best idea to rename your cousin MOH.  To your face, she may be happy about the new situation, but inside she could be feeling a little jilted.  That is something you may never know and why it's best not to "promote" people within a wedding party. 

    Since you've done it, my advice would be to leave it.  If you do make up with your other friend before the wedding, I think I'd leave her as a guest. 

    No more changes to your wedding party now regardless of what happens next.
  • hmm... yep, what's done is done.

    You asked about the previous MOH - what if she wants back in the WP?  I say no.  Not even as a bridesmaid.  Leave the decisions where you have them now.  If you are comfortable inviting her to the wedding, then do that... but I wouldn't make any more changes to the WP. 
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  • This is why your closest friend should be MOH, not the person who does the most work for your wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-10-yrs-maid-of-honor-but-longer-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6663a287-8f99-4327-b308-a23366049ed2Post:0e2469f1-a2cd-4ec0-92dd-67a62a99dd5f">Re: best friend for 10 yrs, my maid of honor, but no longer friends! what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]but see what i dnt understand is that she left the wedding, said she didnt want to be in ay part of it, then told me to pick a new moh.... i<strong>ts my wedding, why shouldnt i beable to do what i want?</strong> shes the one that broke our friendship and left the wedding. i just dont understand y im the bad guy here...
    Posted by oneluv1007[/QUOTE]
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  • First, please don't use text speak.  It is difficult to follow and it makes you sound as though you are about 12 years old.  Second, if you want advice, then listen to the advice you are given.

    She may have told you to pick a new MOH, but when you do so, you're basically telling the new person that they weren't good enough to be MOH in the first place, but that they ARE good enough to be your replacement or runner-up.  It's just tacky, and there's really not a classy way to go about doing it.  What's done is done and I wouldn't undo it because that's really easy way to hurt further feelings, but that's why we say not to replace a MOH who drops out.

    It ceases to be "your wedding" when you involve other people in it.  Yes, at the end of the day, it's you and your FI who are getting married and the goal is to be happy with your decisions, but it's generally not a good idea to hurt people's feelings along the way.  That's how brides end up losing all of their friends in the process.  Put yourself in the other person's shoes.  If you wouldn't want a bride to treat you the way you are treating the people in your life, then you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your words, actions, and choices.
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    edited November 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-10-yrs-maid-of-honor-but-longer-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6663a287-8f99-4327-b308-a23366049ed2Post:0e2469f1-a2cd-4ec0-92dd-67a62a99dd5f">Re: best friend for 10 yrs, my maid of honor, but no longer friends! what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]but see what i dnt understand is that she left the wedding, said she didnt want to be in ay part of it, then told me to pick a new moh.... its my wedding, why shouldnt i beable to do what i want? shes the one that broke our friendship and left the wedding. i just dont understand y im the bad guy here...
    Posted by oneluv1007[/QUOTE]

    A fight between friends takes two to tango, so to speak.  You were part of that fight, too.

    She removed herself from the wedding; fine.

    The problem lies in the fact that you replaced her.  It's a slight to the girl you replaced her with and, I think, to a lesser extent, to the girl you replaced.  The new MOH knows she wasn't first choice.  That sucks.  Your friend now sees she's replacable.  That sucks. 

    Your best bet would have been to just leave things as they were.  But, you replaced her and now must move on.

    And saying "your day" is NEVER a reason to hurt people's feelings.  If it is your birthday, does that mean that you get to cut in front of people in line, ignore red lights, and generally be crappy to everyone else?  Nope.  Weddings are no different.
  • An engagement ring isn't a license to do whatever you want to whomever you want.  Actions have consequences here, just like they do in any other part of your life, and I would argue that you have to be extra-careful about what you do with your wedding because you have such a spotlight on you.  Rightly or wrongly, people hold grudges about this sort of thing for years and end friendships.  Bear that in mind before you make any more blunders.

    You need to realize what a WP is and what a WP isn't.  It is a way of honoring your nearest and dearest by asking them to stand up with you while you get married.  It is not your troop of cheerleaders, your party-planning committee, sycophants who will say yes to everything, or a way of rewarding people for helping you plan and punishing those who don't.  This isn't a "bride giveth and taketh away" type of thing.  
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-10-yrs-maid-of-honor-but-longer-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6663a287-8f99-4327-b308-a23366049ed2Post:04b49aaa-fdca-4adb-bc44-f75e1856a0c4">Re: best friend for 10 yrs, my maid of honor, but no longer friends! what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]i really worded this wrong when i wrote it... what i meant to say is, she wants to help with the wedding. i love all of my wedding party dearly and would never do anything to hurt them. my cousin cares about this wedding as my best friend didnt. i sent an email out to all my bridesmaids telling them to please pick out their dresses for the wedding. two of my bridesmaids found the perfect dress for everyone and they all agreed to wear it. now when asking my moh if that dress was ok she totally ignored everyone and refused to talk to them. i asked her if she wanted to pick out her own dress, which was fine if she did (which was the whole point of the email), she said the dress was fine but would never talk to the rest of the bridesmaids about it. now the email was addressed to all of them and yet she refused to say her opinion which is what they wanted. when i asked her if she could afford it, knowing that she was having some financial problems, and that i would be willing to help her pay for it, she blew up in my face and said that if i cant afford to pay for a wedding then i shouldnt have one, which would make all these problems go away. where that came from i dnt knw. we are not rich but we can afford a wedding.
    Posted by oneluv1007[/QUOTE]
    Again, PLEASE don't write in text speak--capitalization, punctuation, etc. exist to help your reader understand what you say, and when you are writing on a message board and writing is the ONLY way you can communicate, it's especially important.<div>
    </div><div>I appreciate your frustration with her, but I still don't think that 1) you should have replaced her, and 2) you should give up on fixing the friendship.  Rather than writing off 10 years of your life over something silly like a wedding, you should talk to her about what problems she's having.  But since you replaced her, you've basically closed that door.  Hopefully you can salvage it, but I'll be honest with you, you've basically sent the message "Good riddance, I didn't want you in my life anyway" by replacing her.</div>
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-10-yrs-maid-of-honor-but-longer-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6663a287-8f99-4327-b308-a23366049ed2Post:04b49aaa-fdca-4adb-bc44-f75e1856a0c4">Re: best friend for 10 yrs, my maid of honor, but no longer friends! what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]i really worded this wrong when i wrote it... what i meant to say is, she wants to help with the wedding. i love all of my wedding party dearly and would never do anything to hurt them. my cousin cares about this wedding as my best friend didnt. i sent an email out to all my bridesmaids telling them to please pick out their dresses for the wedding. two of my bridesmaids found the perfect dress for everyone and they all agreed to wear it. now when asking my moh if that dress was ok she totally ignored everyone and refused to talk to them. i asked her if she wanted to pick out her own dress, which was fine if she did (which was the whole point of the email), she said the dress was fine but would never talk to the rest of the bridesmaids about it. now the email was addressed to all of them and yet she refused to say her opinion which is what they wanted. when i asked her if she could afford it, knowing that she was having some financial problems, and that i would be willing to help her pay for it, she blew up in my face and said that if i cant afford to pay for a wedding then i shouldnt have one, which would make all these problems go away. where that came from i dnt knw. we are not rich but we can afford a wedding.
    Posted by oneluv1007[/QUOTE]

    This was all over a dress?  You guys has a huge fight and she removed herself from your wedding (and possibly your life) over a dress?  That is so crazy.  I really thought the fight was about something else entirely.

    Take a few days, let everyone cool off, and try to have a rational conversation with her.  Not about weddings, not about dresses, but about the two of you and friendship.  Ask her if something is going on that she wants to talk about.  Ask her about her and don't even bring up the wedding.  You have a friendship problem, not a MOH problem.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-10-yrs-maid-of-honor-but-longer-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6663a287-8f99-4327-b308-a23366049ed2Post:04b49aaa-fdca-4adb-bc44-f75e1856a0c4">Re: best friend for 10 yrs, my maid of honor, but no longer friends! what to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]i really worded this wrong when i wrote it... what i meant to say is, she wants to help with the wedding. i love all of my wedding party dearly and would never do anything to hurt them.<strong> my cousin cares about this wedding as my best friend didnt. </strong>
    Posted by oneluv1007[/QUOTE]

    <div>It doesn't matter if your cousin cares more about your wedding than your best friend does.  They're not your party planners, they're not your staff or your unpaid labor.  They are your FRIENDS, and they don't have to care about your wedding.  Would it be nice if they did?  Sure it would.  Does it suck when you feel you can't talk to your best friends because they're not engaged or married and clearly, the wedding talk is bothering them?  Yeah, it does.  But the only one who has to care about your wedding as much as you do is your fiance.</div><div>
    </div><div>And seriously, if this is over a dress or over finances, you don't have a wedding party problem.  You have a friendship problem, and you should be addressing the friendship issues at hand.  Take the wedding out of it, and find out why your FRIEND of ten years is flaking.  And work with her from HER starting point and agenda, not yours.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
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  • [QUOTE]so recently my best friend of 10 years, who is my maid of honor and i had a falling out. she of course took herself out of the wedding. i asked my cousin to be my new maid of honor, for several reasons. 1: she wants to help with my wedding, as the other didnt. 2: she is planning my bridal party and my bachlorette party, as my old moh didnt have the time to do so.... was it bad of me to ask my cousin, who i should have clearly asked in the first place, to be my new maid of honor? its hard, cuz every since we were kids, my friend and i always said we would be each others maid of honors, but as the time actually came it wasnt the right choice. and if this friend does come back into my life before the wedding, should i allow her to be in the wedding, even if its just as a bridesmaid?
    Posted by oneluv1007[/QUOTE]
    Have you had fights like this before?  Is it a new thing due to the wedding?  Basically, is it likely that you will make up?  If so, then she should be co-MOH.

    No, it wasn't okay to replace her.  And your reasons for choosing your cousin to be MOH were poor ones.  But what's done is done.
  • I can't believe you're letting your wedding end a TEN YEAR friendship.  You need to get some perspective.
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  • You're ending a 10 year friendship over that one argument?

    I have to echo a lot of the PPs.  It doesn't sound like the MOH handled herself well but I think you also owe her a huge apology for how you handled things too.
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