Maids driving me MAD!

DevMar88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maids-driving-me-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672f2e81-b877-4bf3-9564-67f9f511f9c0Post:69a9f8a9-7603-4bac-8892-d16db220e726">Re: Maids driving me MAD!</a>:
[QUOTE]I just read your edited post. Your problem is that you've asked all of them to get together and agree on stuff, and without you, the bride, to defer to, everyone thinks their opinion is the best. Here is your solution. Give everyone a color, length, and fabric for the dress, and then let everyone pick their own. This way they don't all need to agree on a dress. Tell them to wear whatever shoes they want, or whatever black, silver, etc. shoes they want. Now all your attire problems are taken care of. Then get MOH on the phone and tell her that her requests for money from the other BMs is upsetting them, and to plan what she can afford. Reiterate that you would be very happy with a casual shower, or no shower at all.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Thank you! I was afraid I would have to talk to my MOH. It seems like a lot of posters agree that my MOH is stirring things up. I know she is currently stressed out about other things too. She did tell me that doing it all on her own was easier for her. However, she is asking the other girls for money. I think they should be invovled if they are going to pay. I'm not one to read into etiquette, so I thought it would be ok for my MOH to ask the girls to become invovled and contribute (contrary to some posters responses).

DevMar88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maids-driving-me-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672f2e81-b877-4bf3-9564-67f9f511f9c0Post:1b8a43d2-8fac-4bbf-b93b-6195422a0e44">Re: Maids driving me MAD!</a>:
[QUOTE]I will never understand why being a bride causes an otherwise (presumably) sane woman to micromanage her friends and care about things like matching dyed shoes and making sure each bridesmaid pays her share for a catered bridal shower. I would assume this phenomenon existed prior to the actual Bridezillas TV show...but my gosh the sense of entitlement is exhausting. OP, please PLEASE just focus on your love for FI and stay out of anything having to do with bridesmaids or their opinions.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

Thanks Itz. I'm trying to become invovled only because I don't want them to hate eachother come my wedding. I've read so many sad stories. My girls are all close friends too. I don't want to see them grow apart because they can't decide on a stupid shoe, shower, or catered or home cooked food.

DevMar88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maids-driving-me-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672f2e81-b877-4bf3-9564-67f9f511f9c0Post:881b718e-68c8-47f9-8184-99ed924e7673">Re: Maids driving me MAD!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maids driving me MAD! : She went about it the wrong way. The correct way is, "I am planning a shower for Bride, would you like to be involved, and if so, how?" And then someone can offer to pitch in an amount they feel comfortable with, offer to do invites, decorations, favors, etc.  It is rude to plan a party, divide the costs among the BMs and then inform them they each "owe" $.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

I hate to say that I agree with you. I am the "pioneer" within my group of friends. I am the first to marry. Some of my girls have been in weddings before, some never. I think this might be the issue in regard to how things should be managed.

DevMar88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maids-driving-me-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672f2e81-b877-4bf3-9564-67f9f511f9c0Post:2697a614-402d-4fcb-84bd-37abce07b6b1">Re:Maids driving me MAD!</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I reading this right? 25 year old MOH is bossy about showers another BM is bossy about shoes? Tell MOH to chill the eff out regarding the showers other women. If she takes on the responsibility of hosting it, she does so assuming all costs. If someone else offers to help her out, super. Shoe girl has one pair of feet to worry about hers. They do not need to bully your friends.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

You're right. I do have a few dictators in my bridal party. Thank you for the advice.

Peledreamsofrain

I am SO glad that I came back to read the follow-up.  I was going to cry over the idea of someone out there willing to take away a thank you gift over shoes.  And not even Jimmy Choos either.

OP, tell your MOH to stop overlording your friends, because it's important to you that they make thier own decisions.  If she resists you, then pull the "It's MY day!" card (that is the only time I'd recommend this, since she thinks it's some kind of holy day or something).  Tell her if she wants matched dyed shoes at her wedding, have at it, but not at yours.

And then distance yourself from their squabbling.  If they wanna fight like alleycats, whatevs.  Just don't involve yourself, don't listen to their complaining, and always 'oh gosh, my oven's on" when they try to.

fperez7542

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maids-driving-me-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672f2e81-b877-4bf3-9564-67f9f511f9c0Post:00d6d2da-da10-4ff5-86d6-545f5bfa7290">Maids driving me MAD!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi All! I'm writing in this topic because I'm sure I'm not the only bride who has experienced this. To clear things up before you read on-- **My MOH has asked to host a shower for me, as well as plan a bachelorette party with the rest of my girls. Both of which I was told are to be a surprise. ***I in no way have dictated what the girls are to wear at my wedding. I have given them free reign of all attire and looks. All have agreed to choose what they wear together. They have a text messaging chat going where they talk about wedding details together. I am not invovled with that imessage. I am getting married in 3 1/2 months and the drama and complaining amongst my bridesmaids had already begun. Here are some examples of what they have been arguing about amongst eachother:  "I can't wear those kinds of shoes." "I'm not spending $50 on a pair of shoes I'll never wear again." "Why should I have to dye my shoes?" "If your shoes are covered most of the time why can't I wear the ones you picked out?" "I don't want to walk down the aisle with him!" "I'm broke." "I can't afford catering for the shower" (which would be $25 a maid, where all other maids are on board with catering) "We shouldn't go there for your bachelorette, so-and-so wouldn't like it." "We all need to agree on *insert wedding detail here* before we choose." These are just a touch of what I am hearing, as most do not come directly to me PHEW! No matter how many times I ask my girls to keep me out of their bickering and complaining I still get phone calls. I don't want to hear that someone doesn't have the money for something (especially when I know they go out and spend $$ on the weekends), or someone doesn't like what I picked out for MY wedding (*decor/bouquet, etc). I am feeling very hurt over the words and wedding ideals some of my maids have. I had always envisioned that my bridesmaids would just be happy for me, proud to be in my wedding and support the choices I make.  I truly feel that I have been so kind and generous to my girls and I am not recieving the same treatment. I had them pick a dress they all liked at an affordable price ($70-which can be worn again and again elsewhere), the shoe bickering left me with the decision to have them all pick their own shoes from David's Bridal (they have full choice of price and style that suits them), I also persuaded my MOH to host an affordable shower at the local Elks club. I have 6 atendants alltogether; four are in school and working part time, the other two are working professionals. Each woman accepted back in August-living in the same situation they are all in now. The money complaints are bogus and I feel that some other complaints should have been left unsaid. I can't imagine what else could happen as we are still 100 days out. I have some pretty strong-minded friends. I am timid and always try my best to avoid confrontation. I don't want to argue or fight with my ladies so close to my special day. I don't know what I could possibly do or say to stop all of this. I wish they could all go with the flow, like me, but I feel like I've chosen a bunch of complainers. I feel that they are not focused on me at all, rather on themselves and their own accomodations. :( HELP! Any advice? Thanks for reading :)
Posted by DevMar88[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Wow...I am not siding with you BUT I think I read a different post as the girls above.  You did say you let the girls handle everything on their own.  So I got that these petty conversations are between the bridesmaids and the MOH, nothing to do with you.  First off, let them handle it on their own as you stated in your post.  Tell whoever is calling you to tell you every complaint to stop calling you.  Then call your MOH and tell her why is someone dictating what shoes  the BMs need to wear and whether they need to be colored, if you are letting them be comfortable why is someone stressing.  They are all adults.</div><div>
</div><div>Maybe I misread, but I let my BM and MOH do as they please with shoes, hair etc, but I have one of the BMs demanding everything to be uniform and its causing conflict with the other BMs and MOH.  These conflicts are being emailed and texted to me.  I was even called crazy by that BM because I said they should wear their hair as they like not as she wanted them. </div><div>
</div><div>Ok, now the gift comment was uncalled for.</div>

KerisaHarman21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maids-driving-me-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:672f2e81-b877-4bf3-9564-67f9f511f9c0Post:00d6d2da-da10-4ff5-86d6-545f5bfa7290">Maids driving me MAD!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi All! I'm writing in this topic because I'm sure I'm not the only bride who has experienced this. To clear things up before you read on-- **My MOH has asked to host a shower for me, as well as plan a bachelorette party with the rest of my girls. Both of which I was told are to be a surprise. ***I in no way have dictated what the girls are to wear at my wedding. I have given them free reign of all attire and looks. All have agreed to choose what they wear together. They have a text messaging chat going where they talk about wedding details together. I am not invovled with that imessage. I am getting married in 3 1/2 months and the drama and complaining amongst my bridesmaids had already begun. Here are some examples of what they have been arguing about amongst eachother:  "I can't wear those kinds of shoes." "I'm not spending $50 on a pair of shoes I'll never wear again." "Why should I have to dye my shoes?" "If your shoes are covered most of the time why can't I wear the ones you picked out?" "I don't want to walk down the aisle with him!" "I'm broke." "I can't afford catering for the shower" (which would be $25 a maid, where all other maids are on board with catering) "We shouldn't go there for your bachelorette, so-and-so wouldn't like it." "We all need to agree on *insert wedding detail here* before we choose." These are just a touch of what I am hearing, as most do not come directly to me PHEW! No matter how many times I ask my girls to keep me out of their bickering and complaining I still get phone calls. I don't want to hear that someone doesn't have the money for something (especially when I know they go out and spend $$ on the weekends), or someone doesn't like what I picked out for MY wedding (*decor/bouquet, etc). I am feeling very hurt over the words and wedding ideals some of my maids have. I had always envisioned that my bridesmaids would just be happy for me, proud to be in my wedding and support the choices I make.  I truly feel that I have been so kind and generous to my girls and I am not recieving the same treatment. I had them pick a dress they all liked at an affordable price ($70-which can be worn again and again elsewhere), the shoe bickering left me with the decision to have them all pick their own shoes from David's Bridal (they have full choice of price and style that suits them), I also persuaded my MOH to host an affordable shower at the local Elks club. I have 6 atendants alltogether; four are in school and working part time, the other two are working professionals. Each woman accepted back in August-living in the same situation they are all in now. The money complaints are bogus and I feel that some other complaints should have been left unsaid. I can't imagine what else could happen as we are still 100 days out. I have some pretty strong-minded friends. I am timid and always try my best to avoid confrontation. I don't want to argue or fight with my ladies so close to my special day. I don't know what I could possibly do or say to stop all of this. I wish they could all go with the flow, like me, but I feel like I've chosen a bunch of complainers. I feel that they are not focused on me at all, rather on themselves and their own accomodations. :( HELP! Any advice? Thanks for reading :)
Posted by DevMar88[/QUOTE]

Apparently some people did not fully see the post and read that you said your maids can pick out their own dresses and shoes and that they OFFERED to through your shower, i'm sorry some people on here don't fully read the posts before they throw out RUDE comments, I am sorry your bridesmaids are running the complaints to you when you already gave them full reign over everything if I were you I would reiderate that you have given up control of your bridesmaids and they need to figure out a solution themselves. It's never fun when bridesmaids are given their own free reign and they are still not happy!!! I hope everyone can come to a solution, especially since you told them from the beginning you are fine with whatever they choose to wear!

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maids-driving-me-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672f2e81-b877-4bf3-9564-67f9f511f9c0Post:6d73c379-c887-4093-9ea6-83e34e61e09a">Re: Maids driving me MAD!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Maids driving me MAD! : <strong>Apparently some people did not fully see the post and read that you said your maids can pick out their own dresses and shoes and that they OFFERED to through your shower, i'm sorry some people on here don't fully read the posts before they throw out RUDE comments,</strong> I am sorry your bridesmaids are running the complaints to you when you already gave them full reign over everything if I were you I would reiderate that you have given up control of your bridesmaids and they need to figure out a solution themselves. It's never fun when bridesmaids are given their own free reign and they are still not happy!!! I hope everyone can come to a solution, especially since you told them from the beginning you are fine with whatever they choose to wear!
Posted by KerisaHarman21[/QUOTE]

<div>If you had bothered to read through the entire thread you would have seen that OP changed her original post about halfway through. It was also pointed out that she did this a few posts up.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: it was actually pointed out literally two posts above yours; just FYI.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>People can only comment on what they have read. Apparently you can't even do that.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maids-driving-me-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672f2e81-b877-4bf3-9564-67f9f511f9c0Post:c3af826a-edab-4ba8-8dfd-939a19ef1ffb">Re: Maids driving me MAD!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maids driving me MAD! : Looks like you need to take your own advice.
Posted by missax[/QUOTE]

<div>This. </div>

DevMar88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maids-driving-me-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:672f2e81-b877-4bf3-9564-67f9f511f9c0Post:d73f05aa-142a-4b2a-94e5-61925baf17ed">Re: Maids driving me MAD!</a>:
[QUOTE]mcda04 x 1000. I agree with the ladies above.  I suspect your MOH didn't know what she was supposed to do, and read one of those horrible websites that informed her that the MOH is supposed to take charge of the bridesmaids and see that they get their attire and don't bother the bride. Those are Bovine Excrement, published by the wedding industry to get wedding parties to believe they're supposed to spend, spend, spend on matching dresses, shoes, jewelry, evening purses, evening wraps, hosting showers, buying a shower gift, buying a group shower gift, hosting a bachelorette party, buying a bachelorette party gift, buying a wedding gift AND chip in together for a group wedding gift...... See where I'm going with this? They need someone to bully the bridesmaids into doing this, so they make your MOH think it's her job to do it, or she's a bad friend to the bride. Step in NOW.  Send everyone and email and tell them you appreciate their concern for your happiness, and their eagerness to ensure that you have a beautiful wedding, but it's turned into bickering.  You don't care what shoes they wear.  Everyone can pick a (insert color here), and you don't care about the style so long as it's (insert color here).  None of the guests will grab Jill and drag her over to Sue to see if their shoes match.  The MOH didn't have a right to plan a party and then tell everyone "this is your share, so give me x amount of money."  It isn't necessary to say that, though.  Tell her to cut the menu if she must.  Caterers will negotiate on items.  She can cut a dish, or negotiate for something cheaper if she has to.  I'd say to scale back the shower, but I assume that she's already signed the contract by now, so negotiate for what she can.  Can you offer to make up the difference if one of the maids can't/won't pay?  This was a bad deal all around, so make the best of it. About your wedding details - STOP SHARING YOUR PLANS WITH THEM.  Then you won't get unwanted commentary.  They don't need to know every little detail. About the bachelorette......they should decide what everyone wants to spend, then plan an activity around the available funds.  Turn down the party if it gets out of hand. Tell the "uniform" bridesmaid that this is a WEDDING, not Parade of the Clones.  Knock it off. There......problem solved.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Thanks Retread :) I wish I could be as straight forward as you!!! LOL The mending is in the works ladies! Again, thank you for all of the advice.

aquari0216

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maids-driving-me-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:672f2e81-b877-4bf3-9564-67f9f511f9c0Post:1f7f1b31-a754-41d8-9823-a149923636d9">Re: Maids driving me MAD!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maids driving me MAD! : Omg Addie do you have no life? Quit busting this girl's chops, she's already been slammed enough. Get over yourself!
Posted by lindseymon[/QUOTE]


LOL!! And CONGRATS on your impending nuptials!

Knottie_22381998

Maybe have a sit down conversation with each girl seperatly, so they all can vent privately, then have a group gathering, maybe over food, so there is something to do other than bicker. Or stay completely out of it and ignore everything that is brought to your attend remind they everytime you want to be left out of it. Hopefully they can set aside their differences to be able to come together to support you. Good luck!