My friend got upset

ncole30 · August 2010

Nash - You are very right about how some people and please note I DID NOT INCLUDE EVERYONE... before people start jumping on me are very rude and just mean. I was looking for a way to deal with my future mother in law and her bad behavior and felt like people attacked me. Some of the advice is AWESOME but I think some people get on here to make others feel bad.

Now as far as the BM thing No I wouldnt explain. I mean its not going to make the situation ANY better and in fact sounds like it could make it worse. Its hard picking your party - someone is always going to feel left out. I had to ask a friend of mine to come in because another BM wanted me to pay for her dress ( WTF) and when I didnt backed out of the wedding and are not longer friends. Now my friend who stepped up could have been snotty and been Like No you should have asked me first BUT like a good and honest friend she did it with grace and class. She will get over it and if not then............. she wasnt a friend worth having.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

One thing that I also think bears pointing out is that people on here are not mind-readers. If you post that you want to kill your FMIL because she's not giving your money, or wearing a color that clashes with the wedding colors, or you want to boot a BM because she isn't interested in hearing your wedding plans, what are people supposed to think? If there are deeper, more serious issues, say so! But if that's all you post, that's all people can reply to. While I'd love to think everyone is just venting, sometimes people aren't. It's sad but true. So it's not fair to post that you want to boot a GM for scheduling his wedding a month before yours and then get mad that people respond only to that when you're actually more mad about the fact that he's rude to you and cheated your FI out of some money--how are people here supposed to know any of that?

weepster · August 2010

MY friend who I haven't talked to in a year called me when she heard I got engaged and asked me what she could do as my moh. I was like what? Sorry but I already got a moh! How dare her even think she gets that role since we haven't even talked in a year. So like you I felt that she needed an explanation. Then I decided no I don't have to tell her anything and she isn't even part of my wedding party at all.

heather.wheeler07 · August 2010

There's no need to give her an explanation. She honestly needs to grow up. If you haven't seen her in over a year, and she didn't seem genuine when you told her you were getting married, she just isn't a true friend.

Can you imagine what she will act like if she attends the wedding?! She could cause problems.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

Clearly I shouldn't have slept in this morning?

As I cannot see your face, hear your voice, or watch your body language I can only base my obviously misguided opinions on your text. If you write something insane like, real example, "Where has my best friend gone??!!" and proceed to tell me that because your BM isn't gushing over your wedding, she has ceased to be your friend...then you are going to get a good web smack from some people wondering what the hell your problem is and why you base your friendship on your wedding. This person really was completely offended and thought she was being bullied when all anyone was trying to tell her was that she needed to take a step back and get some perspective. Yes there were some rude posters. And THEY were also shut down immediately by everyone else.

And...no matter what special situation you find yourself in, some things are just rude all the time. No matter your circumstances. If you want to go ahead with your plan, then no one here can stop you, but if you get a less than desirable outcome, you can't come crying back saying anybody told you anything otherwise.

P.S. It really does help to be around here longer than a week. When I first started posting, I was actually really ridiculous and some ladies shot me down. At first I was like "WTF??" and then I started to think about the tone of my posts. It's helpful to learn the language before you start posting.

kdlangfan · August 2010

Hello everyone, this is my first post but I've been a lurker for a long time. I just wanted to add a different perspective to the conversation.

I was on the other end of this situation several years ago.....an old friend of mine since childhood did not ask me to be in her wedding party and I was very, very disappointed and hurt. Sure we had drifted apart but our families were close and every time we saw each other, it was like no time had passed at all and I knew we would always be friends even if we didn't keep in touch daily anymore.

I didn't confront her before the wedding. I knew no good could come of that and I really didn't want her to give me a pity position.

But at the wedding, I realized how upset I was and several months after the wedding, I did tell my friend how I felt. Sure, maybe she didn't owe me an explanation, as others here have said, but this was my friend and my feelings were hurt and I did have the right to talk about it with her - so I did, rather than let the feelings fester.

We had a good conversation out of that and our friendship did recover. So in retrospect, I don't think it was rude of me to ask her why she didn't include me and I'm glad I asked her. geez, we had been friends since childhood and talked about every single personal thing you could imagine....we grew up together! So why should talking about this be any different?

I also had another friend who asked me to be a bridesmaid and then told me later that she had to ask another friend to be a bridemaid so there was no space left for me. She asked me to do a reading instead. I said no because she and her fiance are very strict Catholic and I am atheist and I didn't think I could stand up and read what they wanted me to read.

In retrospect, none of this matters anymore. Both friends are invited to my wedding. I still love them both. And I am not having a wedding party!

Like I said, just a different perspective.

klbenne · August 2010

I am very relieved to read posts about this because it is something I anticipate happening. After weeks of thinking, I decided against asking one of my oldest friends to join the wedding party. When we were much younger, we always thought we would be each other's maid of honor, but it is now years later and the relationship has strained. While I am inviting her to attend the wedding, I just did not feel she offered the support I needed from a bridesmaid. She has been out of my life for some time, and when I called to tell her about my engagement she did not seem very enthusiastic.

When it comes down to it, a friend will support your marriage whether they are a guest to the wedding or the guest book monitor or whatever. This is a day for the Bride and Groom, and not a day to tip-toe around feelings stemming from strained friendships.

I do not believe that not asking a girl to be a bridesmaid is an indication that you are no longer friends. Unless you are willing to have a huge party of 12-20 ladies (which I have seen) you just can't have them all! Surround yourself with supportive women who will help you in the process and share in your joy, not the people who somehow make your wedding about them.

Best of luck to you and everyone put in this terrible, awkward situation!

MeganJune11 · August 2010

I was acutally put in the same situation as you are! My friend that I have known forever and a day is not in my wedding party because she has not tried to meet my fiance and actually talk to him, and yes I could have tried harder but I didn't. To be Honest, you don't owe her an explantion. And if you think there is going to be unwanted drama at the wedding over it then I would count her out of the wedding, that's what I'm considering right now on my end because she has been making drama over the entire thing.
Or you could explain to her why you didn't choose her but I think that would cause more drama then needed.

obieangel21 · August 2010

I have never posted here before, but I agree. I would afraid to because people sometimes just are really rude. I respect OP for asking people to be kind and whoever laid it out there that some people get rude on this message board. obviously not everyone, but in almost every thread.

liv1082 · August 2010

"Angrytomato" i was cracking up reading your post!!! I didn't realize that seniority on the knot made your advice so much more important than other peoples or that it even mattered how long you have been on here.

andgrrea · August 2010

there's a lot of good advice on here already, and I agree that someone who takes your wedding personally doesn't realize it's not about them, so you obviously made the right choice.

Because I've moved a lot and formed close bonds with a variety of people I don't see on a daily or even monthly basis, I'm trying to avoid the whole situtaion by including close family members (my future sister in law, my cousins, my brother, etc.) rather than friends in the wedding party, and hope my close friends will support me in other ways. Doesn't work for everyone, but for me it's easier than having a to weigh the closeness of my oldest friend, be close friend from after college, from undregrad, my grad shcool friends, and my professional friends. Not worth the stress.

DDNicole · August 2010

Helly everyone! I have been on the knot for a little while but have never posted before. I just wanted to say that I think this question was a really great one and I appreciate that many people have not only responded with with their solutions but that they also had similar problems. I did not realize this was a common issue.

I HAD a friend like this, and I won't go into detail about this situation because it pretty much just says what everyone else has said previously, but she pretty much expected for me to be a great friend to her but did not want to return the favor, ie remembering b-days, then she expected to be in the wedding party. Long story short, I tried to explain to her one day that I greatly valued her friendship and did think that she was a good friend but that we were not as super close as she had maybe thought (I only reached this point after being pushed, but I remained calm and explained everything very nicely) she continued to think what she wanted to and ended up not calling me when she got engaged herself.

Basically, a good friend is a good friend and they will understand. But a friend as the one that I used to have, I find that she is how she is and I cannot change her. Also, I realized that I probably do not want someone in my life who is going to treat me as such, and as much as it may suck it is probably for the best.

Shorty4eva84 · August 2010

I agree with most of the people here you're not obligated to give her an answer. I have a friend that keeps emailing me asking if she's going to be in my bridal party and I keep dodging it. I've known her for most of our lives but just recently got back in touch with her after 12 years. Times and people change, while I know this isn't the same thing as yours I feel where you're coming from.

Angrytomato · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-got-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f2e9a2d-5569-4af7-a0cb-187edfe30df8Post:bc10e7e0-8e5a-4292-89f6-3e54642450e6">Re: My friend got upset</a>:
[QUOTE]"Angrytomato" i was cracking up reading your post!!! I didn't realize that seniority on the knot made your advice so much more important than other peoples or that it even mattered how long you have been on here.
Posted by liv1082[/QUOTE]

I have found in my forum perusing to be 3 different categories of Knot Posters.
1. The giggly newly-engaged. These girls will tell you anything and everything. They are not even getting married for another 4 years, but already they have a venue, a dress, and colors picked out....including the shade of toilet paper they have picked out for their reception bathroom (omg it clashes with MOB's dress must make frantic trip to costco!!!!)

2. The Veterans. These women are the sharks of the community. They travel in packs, much like the hungry lionesses of the serangeti. They shake their canes at us and tell us to get off their boards. They tell us when THEY got married, Sinatra sang live for them. Uphill in the snow. Barefoot.

3. The artsy "off beat brides" scenesters. These are the girls that sew their own flowers, use fishing nets for veils, and have the officiant say "you may now fist-bump the bride". All their ideas are so so original and like, totally creative that unless you are wearing toe-less rainbow socks down the aisle instead of shoes then don't even talk to them because you're just like, not on the same wavelength, maaaaan.

MandyAbel · August 2010

When choosing my WP, I made it very clear to all of my friends that we were paying for the wedding ourselves and that our WP was going to be very small. Everyone seemed to be very understanding about the budget.

nmagneti · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-got-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f2e9a2d-5569-4af7-a0cb-187edfe30df8Post:d21df108-76f9-4c68-afc4-a41133cbbcbc">Re: My friend got upset</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My friend got upset : Could not agree more. I actually have a BM that fully expected to be my MOH, and for several reasons I chose someone else. At first I felt like I needed to explain those reasons to her to help soften the blow-- but like Licia said, it'll only hurt her more to explain in depth why she isn't good enough.
Posted by nikiandchris[/QUOTE]
Thank you so much for posting this!! I have a long term friend who I have chosen to be a BM instead of my MOH and I was definitely dreading telling her (I was already preparing the "why you're not my MOH speech"). She already knows she's in my WP, do I let her know she's just a BM or let it go? Sorry to make this about me guys!

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Did you ask her to be in the WP or did you ask her to be a BM? If the former, only mention she's a BM if she says something about being MOH. If the latter, she already knows.

I'll never understand why girls get upset over titles that are, in the grand scheme of things, meaningless.

fribbs88 · August 2010

I think that ignoring it will probably be the best. Honestly, I have 3 girls who were expecting to be bridesmaids and 2 were going to be before a huge fight broke out were I was told that I was self obsorbed because I was happy about my wedding and because I had not seen her in a year but was expected to show up for her 21 birthday party when she did not even tell me happy birthday on mine this year or show up the the dozen things I invited her to. One of the girls was expecting to be a BM and we haven't ever been close we were friends because we had a mutual friend. When this problem arose I just stated that, "Robbie and I have not picked our wedding party yet" while this wouldn't apply to you I would just avoid it and if she pushes just tell her that you do not owe her an explanation and that as a friend you feel she should respect your wishes, this includes who is in the WP and who is not. Personally I am just stering clear of other's opinions and comments about everything to do with my wedding. I tell them very few things about it, mainly just about the ceremony and where the reception is taking place. I do not tell them about the fun things were going to do or how things will be decorated. 1. They will see when they show up. 2. It is my wedding, it will be done how I want it to be and I do not need your opinions. Avoiding sticking situations would be best for you, and every bride who gets into one, which is bound to happen!

moxylady · August 2010

Although the advice seems quite universal, I have to say fabulousmsmoxie nailed it for me.. I am anticipating a similar situation myself, and I know that for the talk that might come of it, or if the situation were somehow reversed, that's the kind of talk / reasoning I would like to give / hear.

Loving your name is bonus sauce

kmwingluvr · August 2010

I was worried this might happen to me...I have a couple of friends who a few yrs ago, I presumed would be in my WP. However, things have changed, and I didn't include them. I have never mentioned it, and neither have they, but I feel like there is a strain with one of the friendships. I haven't seen the other girl since the engagement. The girl who it is strained with chatted with me on facebook about a month or two ago, and she asked how many people were in the WP. We kind of talked about the wedding a little, and that was it. I think she's disappointed, even though she knows as well as I do that we've grown apart. I definitely don't think it would have been better discussing it with her though. It would have been like rubbing salt in the wound.

I guess the way I see it is, you're still invited to the wedding, and you're going to be invited to all the pre-wedding stuff, so I hope that shows that I still value your friendship.

jennykenney · August 2010

Angrytomato is full of win!

As far as the situation goes....be honest in the nicest way possible. I wouldn't blow it off. It won't be a fun conversation, but in the end I think you'll both feel better. It might take her some time to feel better, but she will. If she gets married one day, she'll realize that sometimes these decisions aren't so easy to make. If she's truly your friend it will all work out.

Angrytomato · August 2010

To actually stay on topic, I have 2 sisters. If I asked one to be MOH I knew the other would be hurt. So I simply took out the title of MOH and I'm just having 4 BMs. That way no one gets upset. Fiance is also just having 4 GMs and no Best Man.

bada bing.

banana468 · August 2010

Angrytomato, you have a PM.

ekdoxa · August 2010

She is in the wrong, completely. It is your day, and she is trying to make it about her. Give her an explanation if you feel you have one, but you don't owe her one.

I had a friend tell me it was ok if I didn't have her in my wedding party...which was good because she wasn't on the list...but knew she was just saying that so I would tell her, "No, of course you're in the wedding". I simply told her, "I have 3 best friends that have been my girls for years and my sis, cousin and sis-in-law...I can't justify having more people. I am sorry, but that those are who I have." If she is really your friend she will understand. Weddings are fun, but they are also expensive and can get out of hand if you accommodate everyone else. In the end, it is your day. She should understand that.

beth.erwin · August 2010

OP,
I actaully had that happen to me. The bride and I were best friends in H.S., but then she moved about 10 hours away. I went to visit her multiple times and we called a lot, but as the years went by we stopped calling as frequently. She started dating, got engaged and married all in one year (to a wonderful guy BTW), so it happened pretty fast and I didn't get to meet the now hubby.
I was hurt at first that I wasn't in the WP, especially compared to another girl that was in it, but I had to realize that the people in the WP are supposed to be those who have been in the bride AND groom's lives. The new marriage has two lives to combine, and it was wrong of me to think that I should have been in the party when I hadn't even met the groom.
However, I never brought that up to her. It was only a thought that I kept to myself, and my bf (now fiance)

, I knew it would have been rude to bring it up to her, and I didn't want any more added pressure on her wedding planning.
So, I would have to agree with the previous advice: sorry you feel that way, but i look forward to seeing you at the wedding.

Good luck, and God Bless!

bethgor · August 2010

I had a similar situation-

I am having my two sisters, and my best friend (that I have been friends with for 8 years). I have two other freinds, one which I like much more, that I would like to add, but my FI does not want more than 3, and he doesnt want to add people on his side- just to add them. So I told my two friends, which were both expecting to be bridesmaids, that if I had 5, they would be in it, but we wanted to keep it small, and I asked if they would like to participate in the wedding still, I jsut hadn't figured out the details yet. So my #5 girl, the one that I could deal without, sent me an email the next day, suggesting guys that we could add to the wedding party so that she could be a bridesmaid. I didn't know what to say, other than to laugh. It was rude, but she doesn't quite think things through all the way. So I told her that my FI wasn't budging on the number and I asked if she would be interested in doing a reading at the ceremony.

She has talked to me once, through a text message since, and that was two and a half months ago.

I guess, if she is genuinely upset enough not to talk to me, then she wasn't one of my best, true friends either....

reason00 · August 2010

Hahhaahahah I just love the 3 bride types...how awesome. @ Angrytomato

hcontreras3 · August 2010

I recently had a similar situation, but it didn't end with an upset email by my friend. She asked me if she was invited to the wedding (sarcastically, no big deal) and then asked if she was in it. I think it's incredibly tacky for someone to ask if they are in your wedding, if they are you will let them know, otherwise just be happy for your friend and enjoy the party. Sometimes there are just too many to include everyone. If she doesn't want to be your friend anymore of this she is being immature and if she is really your friend she will be happy for you and not press the matter. I agree with, though, if you respond it will not be a win-win situation. Good luck!

Angrytomato · August 2010

A very good friend of mine through high school/college ended up getting married. We talked every day, hung out every weekend, went on vacations, etc. We were close.

While I was like "ok your decision" when I found out I was not in her bridal party, I was floored when I wasn't even invited to her wedding!

Never spoke to her again after that.

Mego1685 · August 2010

Thanks girls for all the advice. I simply wrote her back and said "I was sorry she felt that way and I looked forward to seeing her at the wedding. Please send me your address." (yep, she moved and didn't even tell me, I heard it from another friend)

That was a couple of days ago, and no response. Soooo, I guess she doesn't want to come to the wedding. But we don't speak or see each other anyway, so I figure it's no love lost. (I know that's kinda mean, but I don't know any other way to go about it)

My friend got upset

Re: My friend got upset

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