Am I the ONLY one...

JillyBean_May2009

I haven't been on the Knot in quite a while--my wedding was last May.  But I popped back on today... bored at work... you know how it goes. 

Anyway, I saw the typical "Your bridesmaids do NOT have duties" post... and I started wondering...

Am I the only person in the world who thinks this is NOT true?! 

I had bridesmaids who helped, and bridesmaids who didn't.  It was fine.  I didn't get mad, but I certainly appreciated the ones who did help.  I understand why some couldn't--far away, no money, etc.  But I'm standing up as a maid of honor in two of my friends' weddings later this year, and never would I think that "all I have to do is wear a dress, walk down the aisle, and smile," like what seems to be the common opinion on here.  I plan to help plan both of their showers, bachelorette parties, and help with anything else I can.

I feel like that's a pretty crappy think to do to your friend--not care enough to help out or be involved when she's asked you to stand up in her wedding. 

Just my own humble opinion though.  Wondering if anyone else was with me.

trix1223

The other ladies have said it all beautifully.  It all comes down to whether the bride in question is demanding help, or accepting help.  It's really that simple.

aerinpegadrak

I actually haven't asked anything of my bridesmaids.  Pretty much all of them have offered to help in some capacity, and by and large I've taken them up on the offer.  But I've let them offer first.  It means more to me to know that they genuinely want to help than to think that they're just helping out to be nice.

But our point is that not wanting to help doesn't make someone a bad friend, and it certainly doesn't make them a bad bridesmaid.  Maybe they're crazy busy, maybe they're disorganized, or maybe they just don't like weddings.  Yes, a good bridesmaid will offer to help out, but a good bride will understand if they don't.

MollySm

I always find it a little strange that people react so strongly on here to the idea of bridesmaid duties myself.  Esp as the knot has a whole section that lays out the duties of the MOH and bridesmaids.  The people that I chose to be in my wedding party are people I am extremely close to, and as such I feel I can talk to them about anything, including my bachelorette party, or other ways in which they can help out. They are my friends too, so I would of course not be mad if they weren't helping out, and I definitely agree with whoever posted that their bridesmaids help matches their personalities and things that they are good at.  But it drives me a bit nuts that everyone on here seems so rigid about what you can/can't talk to your wedding party about.  

bablingbrooke

1.  Ignore the knot's list.  The knot's list involves things for you or your BMs to spend money on, preferably on their advertisers/vendors.

2.  No one is saying you can't talk to them.  But there's no way to "talk" to them about things like parties or gifts as if they are entitlements that does NOT reflect poorly on you.  People who follow the advice given here are actually pretty impressed with how well it works out.  I was, that's why I continue to propagate it.  But people who had the "Why didn't you plan me parties" talk with the BM usually can't say it was worth it.

MollySm

I didn't actually read the knot's list.   Just meant that it wasn't completely out of the blue that some people come onto the site thinking that their bridesmaids will help them out.  

I assumed mine would, and they have been.  I didn't have to ask, they asked me.  So maybe that's why my opinion on the matter is different.  I will be MOH for one of my bridesmaids, so of course I'll do the same for her (as I have in the past).  But I do still feel that I have duties as her MOH.  That doesn't mean she can be pushy and obnoxious about it, but I do feel like I have them.  

So maybe we really do agree, just not on the wording.  I totally buy that going to your BMs with a list of duties isn't going to help things run smoothly.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-only-one-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a0cef06d-66b4-46ee-9daa-31cff6bac0e8Post:bb9f4904-8d8f-4ff0-b83b-db0305c7985f">Re: Am I the ONLY one...</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally buy that going to your BMs with a list of duties isn't going to help things run smoothly.
Posted by MollySm[/QUOTE]
The thing is, people frequently come here who do <em>exactly this</em>, and can't understand why it blows up in their faces.  Hence why most girls here take the ultra laid back approach, because it's foolproof.

aerinpegadrak

The other thing to keep in mind is, I don't think anyone here is saying that bridesmaids SHOULD have the "All I do is show up and smile" attitude.  When bridesmaids post here asking what they're supposed to be doing, they usually get given the standard list of their traditional "duties": lend an ear, offer to help however you're able, look into throwing a bachelorette and/or shower.  But if any bridesmaids DO have that attitude, it's best for the bride just to roll with it than to try to drag someone kicking and screaming into something they don't want to do.

bablingbrooke

<beats head on desk>

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-only-one-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a0cef06d-66b4-46ee-9daa-31cff6bac0e8Post:a62aab4f-aa90-479e-be8d-0fd536426c3c">Re: Am I the ONLY one...</a>:
[QUOTE]"I always find it a little strange that people react so strongly on here to the idea of bridesmaid duties myself.  Esp as the knot has a whole section that lays out the duties of the MOH and bridesmaids. " Couldn't agree more. I took my roll of bridesmaid very seriously. The bride actually asked me to throw her the bridal shower and I wasn't upset, I was honored. For my cousin's wedding which I was a bridesmaid in I sent money for both the bridal shower and the bachelorette party even though I couldn't attend either. <strong>I agree that the brides shouldn't assume that bridesmaids will automatically help out or choose people based on who would throw the best party or kick out one who didn't, but to say they just need to get a dress is an insult to those bridesmaids who work hard on helping the bride out.</strong>
Posted by jms1019[/QUOTE]

<div>*Joins Brooke in headdesking. Then takes deep breath, and explains calmly*</div><div>
</div><div>WE TELL <strong>BRIDES </strong>THAT ALL BRIDESMAIDS NEED TO DO IS SHOW UP IN THE DRESS BECAUSE THAT IS <strong>ALL </strong>THE <strong>BRIDE</strong> SHOULD EXPECT. IF A <strong>BRIDESMAID </strong>WANTS TO DO MORE, THAN SHE CAN AND SHOULD. BUT THEN, IN THAT CASE THE BRIDE DIDN'T <strong>EXPECT</strong> ANYTHING AND WILL BE <strong>MORE </strong>EXCITED ABOUT ALL THE WONDERFUL FRIENDS SHE HAS. IF THE BRIDE THINKS SHE IS ENTITLED TO HELPERS, PEOPLE WILL WANT TO HELP LESS AND IT WILL MEAN LESS WHEN THEY <strong>DO </strong>HELP. GET THE PICTURE?</div>

emilyinchile

Jms, how is that insulting? It doesn't mean that doing more is somehow not valuable or a nice gesture. If we're saying the only thing a BM absolutely HAS to do is buy a dress and show up, and you choose to go above and beyond, that just means that you've done even MORE to be a good friend. It's actually the opposite of insulting, since it means that if you do more, you can give yourself a pat on the back for exceeding the minimum requirements.

MollySm

Yes, I guess it makes more sense to stop with the thread, if there's going to be so much head-banging.  I'm not sure personally I agree with your points, but I at least get where you're coming from now.  So that's a step int he right direction.

mbcdefg

Everyone's basically saying the same exact thing, so I don't see what the problem is here.

banana468

I think almost everyone is in agreement.

The point is that your friends should NEVER be asked by you to the things that are a gift to you like throwing a party.

If you do want help, it's fine to ask for it from anyone.

However there are only certain absolute requirements of the BM and those are the dress and being there on the big day.

If that's ALL the BM does and she isn't even a good friend then it's an "under 15 pieces of flair" situation.

stina93446

When I was a bride, I didn't EXPECT anything and people ended up doing things...like showers, b parties, etc. 

When I was a bridesmaid, I offered a ton. It was MY choice to help.

banana468

Exactly Stina.

I think you  need to see if from the same type of way that you see your husband/FI.  Are you marrying him saying, "I expect you to do this."??

If you didn't want babies, would you take kindly to a statement like, "Your job is to have my children!"?

I think the same holds here on a much smaller scale.