bridesmaid - bring a date/guest?

melissa2ca

This is my best friend of 15+ years, who lives in San Diego and I live in South Dakota. 
I 
 have been helping plan her DESTINATION bachelorette party, of which will cost upwards of $1,000. 

I will be purchasing my plane ticket for the wedding ($400), hotel accomodations for the wedding weekend ($400), and my dress for the wedding ($300) plus she wants to do hair, makeup and spa day for her wedding ($300)...not to mention misc food & drinks for the weekend ($200). The wedding weekend $1,600.

In addition, I flew out to attend her engagement party and also contributed to the cost of the party. $700

Total I will have spent to be in her wedding: $3,300.

Now, when I took on the role to be her bridesmaid, I was FULLY aware that it would be a lavish affair. I know she is high-maintenance and will want nothing but the best. SO, I have been saving for this every month since she asked me to be in her wedding. "Technically" the money is not a problem. Do I have a mound of credit card debt that I COULD be putting that money towards, absolutely!! But this is her day and I want to be there for her. No qualms.

She sent out an email to all of the bridesmaids and among other details and questions, asked to let her know if we would be bringing our honey's to rehersal dinner. Also went on to say that while we do our girly thing, the guys would be playing golf, etc.

So, I responded to the email to let her know I would be bringing Keith, my boyfriend, and that he would be flying in Friday so he would not be at rehersal.

Fast forward one week, and I received a text from her saying she did not plan on me bringing a guest (I recently got divorced, however, she is fully aware that I'm dating). She continued to say that the reception costs $200 a plate and only planned on so many tables.

Am I in the wrong for "assuming" that because it's 1) an out of town weddng and 2) I am in the wedding and 3) I am one of 3 bridesmaids (out of 8) that are actually going to have attended and contributed to her engagement party, bachelorette party AND wedding, that I could bring a guest?

Manwaithiel

Just send her here. Tell her you heard about this great Wedding Party board on the Knot where she can complain about you. We'll set her straight.

Sapphire1002

I don't think you are in the wrong for thinking you would be bringing your boyfriend.  It is a significant other and not a guy you've been out with twice.  It sounds as if she's only thinking about herself and the budget (which is unfortunate).  All of the weddings I've attended (and my own in Oct), significant others were inclued.  Could it make the reception more costly? Sure.. but, what was potentially 3 more ppl? When it came to the WP, we were lenient.. these people had spent a lot of $ on parties, clothing etc to be in our wedding and we thought it was right to include a guest for them. 

I like the PP's comments though... you should send her this way!

Summer2011Bride

I think it's pretty crappy that 1) she is this "high maintenance" and has ridiculously high expectations for what BM's should shell out for wedding activities and 2) she ASKED who was bringing a guest and then told you you can't....???? Why would she ask if she wasn't planning on including them?

It definitely is rude what she's doing. I guess at this point, you have so much money invested in this, your option is really to either go without him or pay for his plate (is she at least OK with that?) He could always come along for the "vacation" and not go to the wedding (which is crappy, I know). Destination wedding or not, WP members SHOULD be allowed a +1. Sorry you're dealing with this.

banana468

It's tough.  She doesn't "have" to let you bring a date but based on what she wants, she absolutely should based on all things being in good taste.

I'd just tell her, "Oh, if he's not welcome, I may not be able to do X,Y, and Z."

After all, if she expects you to treat the wedding like a vacation then she needs to understand that couples vacation together.

MTooms

I would respond with- "oh okay, I don't know if I can make it then".

BMs should be invited with a date, just like other guests. And it has nothing to do with how much money you are spending to be a BM- although since you are doing so much you would expect her to be considerate of her friends.

Maybe there is a reason the other BMs are not so involved?

orangecrush32

Your BF should definitely have been invited. I'd do what a pp said and be like "Ohh..well then I don't think I can come to x, y, or z."

saisongbird

I agree with the pps.  Throw it back at her.  See how she responds.  My guess is that if she really wants you there, she'll find a way to make it happen.  But, be prepared to hold up your end of the bluff.

SD3194

Will you be my bridesmaid? haha. You sound like a great friend, hopefully she comes around.

bablingbrooke

She should absolutely let you bring your BF!  $200 will not make or break her budget, and she's being incredibly selfish.  I'd skip as many of the non-mandatory events as possible as a result (i.e. everything but the wedding and rehearsal).  

I hate it when brides throw themselves lavish weddings and demand their BMs spend gobs of money on them then claim poverty when the BMs want to bring their SOs.  

stina93446

I agree with banana. You're not necessarily guilting the bride, but you're letting her know that if you can't bring someone you may not go. Not that you would WANT that to happen, but it's not really fair for you to travel all that way and spend all this money and then not have proper etiquette extended to you. Best of luck to you.

melissa2ca

Thank you everyone for your input on the matter. I do value our friendship SO much, now it's just a matter of HOW to approach her on the matter. In the last message she sent me, she said "I'm not arguing with you about this, it's my decision." Soooo.... (sigh) I hate this feeling I have right now, I shouldn't be scared to talk to my "best friend" about something like this, but I am petrified.

banana468

Well, she IS being a bad friend with a snotty message like that. You can always respond back, "Sweetie I love you and totally respect your decision but unfortunately that means that I have to do X." She gets to say she won't negotiate but she has to accept the consequences that come with being so obstinate. And ask yourself this, "Would *I* treat my friend this way??". Is it worth it to walk on eggshells so as not to offend her when YOU clearly are offended? Friendship is a two-way street after all.

MyNameIsNot

She sucks.  You are a better person than I, as I could not stand to be friends with someone this selfish.  

Anyway, I would respond with "Ok, it's your wedding and that is fine.  But Keith and I have limited budget/time off for travel and vacations, so since this will be a solo trip for me, I simply cannot justify spending the time and vacation to come out for 3 days.  I'll be flying in Saturday afternoon, and unfortunately, will have to skip the spa day and rehearsal.  I'll take care of my own hair and primping, and I'll meet you at the church.  What time do you need me to arrive for pictures?"  

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bring-dateguest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a1d989e8-6f1f-4f6f-9605-0e769a176fe7Post:916ec5fc-cda0-4584-b482-1269c5b53236">Re: bridesmaid - bring a date/guest?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your input on the matter. I do value our friendship SO much, now it's just a matter of HOW to approach her on the matter. In the last message she sent me, she said "I'm not arguing with you about this, it's my decision." Soooo.... (sigh) I hate this feeling I have right now, I shouldn't be scared to talk to my "best friend" about something like this, but I am petrified.
Posted by melissa2ca[/QUOTE]
Yowza.  What a piece of work.  Just do what banana told you--"If that's the case, then I cannot attend X, Y, or Z.  I'll see you at the wedding."  If she wants to be intransigent, that's her business, but you also don't have to act like a doormat.  This is no longer about a date, this is about her not respecting you as a friend, and that's a much deeper issue.<div>
</div><div>ETA: I also like MyName's wording.  I would copy and paste it into your reply email word for word.</div>

aerinpegadrak

It sucks that someone who is supposed to be your friend is treating you like this.  I'd respond verbatim with MNIN's wording, it's very good.

mkrupar

Wow she sucks! I would tell her that you're going to take the $300 you're going to spend on Hair/makeup/spa (that she's requiring - which she should be paying for) and use that to cover his plate at the reception and have an additional $100 to spend on your vacation.

Or, make the trip with BF and only go to the Ceremony and part of the reception. Since she doesn't feel the need to include your SO, you shouldn't feel the need to spend your entire vacation fawning all over here and her "lavish" wedding.

lalap69

She included you on an email where she asked who was bringing dates.  As far as I'm concerned, that's inviting you with a guest.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.  I'd follow PP's advice and tell her that you'll only be able to do the bare minimum then.  I think MNIN put it best.